LIBRARY 

iUNIVERSITY  IFORNIA 

DA 


THE 


NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE 


ACCORDING    TO 


ST.    BENJAMIN 


"  Ignotus  omnibus •,  cognitus  egomet  miki.* 


NEW    YORK: 

THE    AMERICAN    NEWS    COMPANY, 

119  &  121  NASSAU  STREET. 

1866. 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1866,  by 

THE  AMERICAN   NEWS   COMPANY, 
in  the  office  of  the  Clerk  of  the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


DAKIW    AKD    METCALT. 


THIS  PAGE 

COULD  NOT  BE  BETTER  GRACED  THAN  WITH 
THE  NAME  OF 

ALFRED  PELL 

A  LOYAL   GENTLEMAN,    A   FAITHFUL   FRIEND,    AND   AN 

ENLIGHTENED   AND   UNFLINCHING 

ADVOCATE   OF 

FREE   SOIL  AND  FREE  TRADE. 


(3) 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 


T  T  7HOEVER  may  be  the  author  of  "  The 
*  *  New  Gospel  of  Peace,"  he  has  never 
owned  his  work  to  his  publishers.  Whatever 
opinions  they  may  hold  upon  the  subject  of  its 
authorship  are  only  inferential  —  mere  deduc 
tions  from  circumstantial  evidence.  Upon  their 
application  to  him,  through  their  usual  channel 
of  communication,  for  notes  and  a  preface  to 
this  edition,  they  were  informed  that  he  would 
add  a  few  notes,  "by  way  of  exegesis,  im 
provement,  and  edification,"  but  that,  in  his 
opinion,  a  preface  to  this  book  would  be  out 
of  place ;  and  that  in  any  case  he  had  nothing 
to  add  to  the  information  given  in  a  letter 
which  he  had  addressed  to  the  editors  of  the 
"  Evening  Post,"  and  which  was  published  in 
that  paper.  This  letter  is  therefore  reprinted 
here,  by  way  of  introduction. 

A*  (V) 


VI 

ALBANY,  November  22d,  1863. 
To  the  Editors  of  the  Evening  Post: 

When  I  brought  before  the  world,  "  The  New 
Gospel  of  Peace,"  I  thought  that  every  intelli 
gent  reader  would  see,  without  being  told,  that 
it  was  a  fragment  of  an  old  chronicle,  referring 
to  a  people  and  to  events  of  very  great  anti 
quity.  This  is  plain  upon  the  face  of  it ;  and 
so  I  said  nothing  about  the  origin  of  the  book. 
But  I  have  been  surprised  and  pained  at  ob 
serving  that  this  ancient  record  is  spoken  of  by 
many  persons,  and  even  in  the  columns  of  a 
well-informed  journal  like  the  "  Evening  Post," 
as  a  political  satire,  aimed  at  persons  and  par 
ties  of  our  own  day.  It  is  true  that  no  one  has 
been  bold  enough  to  point  out  a  counterpart  to 
the  principal  personage  in  the  narrative,  Pher- 
nandiwud ;  and  indeed  I  cannot  conceive  how 
his  name  or  his  character  could  be  supposed  to 
refer  to  any  man  at  all  known  to  the  public  of 
this  country.  But  I  have  heard  that  "Jeph, 
surnamed  the  Repudiator,"  is  supposed  to  mean 
the  Honorable  J-ff-rs-n  D-v-s,  late  United  States 
Senator  from  Mississippi;  that  " James  the 
scribe,  which  knew  nothing,  and  Erastus  his 
brother,"  are  taken  for  Messrs.  J-m-s  and  Er-s- 
t-s  Br-ks  of  the  -xfr-ss;  that  by  "  Samuel,  who 
was  rich  in  butter,"  Mr.  S-m-1  B-tt-rw-rth  is 
meant;  that  "  Hiram,  the  publican,"  means 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT.          vii 

H-r-m  Cr-nst-n,  Esq.,  proprietor  of  the  N-w 
Y-rk  H-t-1;  "Elijah,  who  smelled  the  battle 
afar  off,"  Mr.  El-j-h  P-rdy,  called  the  war-horse 
of  T-mm-ny ;  "  Cyrus,"  the  Reverend  C-yr-s 
M-s-n;  "  Primus,  the  scribe,"  Mr.  W-ll-m  C. 
Pr-m,  of  the  J-r-n-l  of  C-mm-rce;  "  Samuel, 
who  made  the  lightnings  of  heaven  his  messen 
gers,"  Mr.  S-ml  B.  F.  M-rs  ;  "  Ker  Tiss,  who 
wrote  concerning  the  Great  Covenant,"  Mr. 
G-rg  T-ckn-r  C-rt-is,  the  author  of  a  history 
of  the  Constitution  of  the  United  States ;  < « Isai 
ah,  who  was  a  captain  of  the  Hammerites," 
Mr.  Is-h  R-nd-rs,  late  United  States  Marshal 
for  the  Southern  District  of  New  York ; 
"  Samuel,  whose  surname  was  Brinnzmayd." 
Mr.  S.  L.  M.  B-rl-w;  and  "Augustus,  the 
money-changer,"  Mr.  A-g-st  B-lm-nt,  an  emi 
nent  Hebrew  banker,  who  once  bought  the 
honor  of  representing  this  republic  abroad,  and 
who  is  understood  to  be  ready  to  pay  a  large 
price  for  a  financial  place  in  a  cabinet  con 
structed  upon  the  principles  of  the  Ostend  cir 
cular.  I  have  even  heard  it  surmised  that 
"Peter  the  Barrel-maker"  means  Mr.  P-t-r 
C-p-r ;  and,  to  speak  of  minor  matters,  that 
"  Assohkald  Edditah,  the  scribe,  who,  to  gain 
the  world  had  lost  his  own  soul,"  represents  the 
so-called  editor  (name  unknown  and  hitherto 
undiscoverable)  of  the  World  newspaper  of 
your  city. 


viii         PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 

It  is  with  very  deep  concern  that  I  notice  this 
extraordinary  perversion  of  the  meaning  of ' '  The 
New  Gospel  of  Peace."  Concern,  not  only  for 
the  gentlemen  who  are  thus  placed  by  the  pub 
lic  in  so  very  false  a  position,  but  for  the  com 
munity  in  which  a  state  of  things  exists  which 
can  be  in  any  way  likened  to  that  which  is  por 
trayed  in  that  most  ancient,  but  I  am  per 
suaded,  most  truthful  record.  Is  it  possible 
that  there  is  such  a  man  as  Phernandiwud 
among  us?  I  cannot  believe  it.  I  know  of 
no  such  man.  Do  Pahdees,  and  Hittites,  and 
Hammerites,  and  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among 
the  Dimmichrats,  rule  any  city  in  our  land? 
Far  be  it  from  us  to  confess  it.  Can  there  be 
men  among  us,  like  those  in  the  remote  and 
long-forgotten  land  of  Unculpsalm,  who  would 
sacrifice  their  country  to  the  everlasting  Nig- 
gah?  Pray  devote  a  little  of  your  valuable 
time  and  space  to  disabusing  the  public  mind 
of  such  an  absurd  notion. 

It  would  be  quite  superfluous  and  uninterest 
ing  for  me  to  inform  the  public  how  I  became 
possessed  of  the  ancient,  faded,  torn,  and  much- 
defaced  manuscript,  which,  by  painfully  deci 
phering  it  and  supplying  conjecturally  many 
breaks  in  the  continuity  of  the  narrative,  I  at 
last  brought  into  a  connected  form  and  printed 
under  the  title  of  its  subject,  "  The  New  Gos 
pel  of  Peace."  But  that  it  is  no  modern  politi- 


IX 


cal  satire  will  be  plain  to  all  intelligent  people 
from  this  fact.  Its  declared  author,  Benjamin 
the  Scribe,  I  find  by  a  passage  which  I  am  un 
able  entirely  to  restore,  and  therefore  have  not 
heretofore  printed,  wrote,  or,  it  would  seem  from 
the  marginal  annotation  of  an  ancient  and  inim 
ical  commentator,  procured  to  be  written,  "  a 
book  called  Deighlinuze,  a  part  of  which  was 
made  public  every  morning.  Another  muti 
lated  passage  shows  that  this  Benjamin  "  lived 
nigh  unto  a  place  called  Pughtummug,  where 
the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmichrats 
poured  out  drink-offerings  unto  Tahmunee." 
You  will  see  at  once  that  no  such  publication 
or  locality  is  known  in  this  country. 

The  language  in  which  this  manuscript  is 
written  is  the  langkie,  a  tongue  of  which  lit 
tle  is  known,  but  which  I  suppose  to  be  a  more 
ancient  and  pure  form  of  the  language  of  Jon- 
bool.  Where  this  land  is  I  cannot  conjecture, 
but  as  the  langkies  appear  to  have  dwelt 
in  a  country  very  far  East,  I  am  inclined  to 
think  that  their  language  is  the  long-sought 
original  language  spoken  in  Paradise.  Your 
readers  cannot  but  have  observed  the  strong 
oriental  character  of  the  whole  narrative.  And 
indeed  I  have  sometimes  thought  that  the 
Abraham  of  the  New  Gospel  was  the  veritable 
Father  of  the  Faithful  himself.  But  opposed 
to  this  conjecture  are  the  manifest  hostility  be- 


X  PUBLISHERS    ADVERTISEMENT. 

tween  him  and  Augustus  the  money-changer, 
and  the  fact  that  Esther  and  Ahasuerus  and 
other  persons  who  lived  after  the  first  and 
even  second  captivity,  are  mentioned.  Perhaps 
some  of  the  "  Christian  young  men"  of  Balti 
more  or  of  New  York  can  elucidate  this  point. 
And,  judging  by  the  past,  "  a  paper"  on  the 
subject  might  very  appropriately  be  read  be 
fore  your  Historical  Society ;  or  questions 
might  be  addressed  to  the  head  of  Herodotus, 
which  stands  over  its  door,  and  which  contains 
so  much  of  the  wisdom  of  that  association  that 
it  can  hardly  be  less  vocal  or  sententious  than 
Friar  Bacon's.  Or  the  matter  could  be  very 
fitly  brought  before  a  body  which  I  have  heard 
of  as  the  Geographical  and  Egotistical  Society, 
from  some  member  of  which,  no  doubt,  there 
would  proceed  a  paper  so  luminous,  as  well 
as  so  geographical  and  egotistical,  as  to  elicit 
the  unanimous  thanks  of  all  who  remained 
awake  when  it  was  ended.  And  might  not 
Mr.  Verplanck  or  Mr.  Grant  White,  or  the 
Rev.  Mr.  Hudson  devote  to  this  doubtful 
and  interesting  point  some  of  that  rare  criti 
cal  ability  with  which  they  have  elucidated 
the  clear  passages  in  Shakespeare  ?  The 
notion  which  seems  to  have  taken  possession 
of  the  public  mind,  that  "  The  New  Gospel  of 
Peace "  is  a  narrative  of  recent  events  in  this 
country,  can  only  have  arisen  from  some 


PUBLISHERS    ADVERTISEMENT.  XI 

chance  similarity  of  sound  between  some  an 
cient  and  eastern  and  some  modern  and  west 
ern  names ;  and,  chiefly,  from  the  tendency  of 
historical  events  to  repeat  themselves,  owing  to 
the  excess  of  original  human  nature  which  still 
remains  in  man. 

Yours  very  respectfully, 

U.    DONOUGH     OUTIS. 

P.  S. — The  very  great  favor  with  which  this 
book  has  been  received,  and  which  I  attribute 
solely  to  the  solemn  truth  and  sober  wisdom  of 
the  ancient  and  unknown  sage  who  wrote  it, 
has  produced  imitations  of  it,  of  which  I  have 
seen  two.  Vain  and  childish  attempts  to  imi 
tate  the  inimitable  style  of  the  old  chronicler ! 
Let  no  man  hope  to  succeed  in  such  an  under 
taking,  unless  he  can  perform  the  impossible 
task  of  transporting  himself  back  for  indefinite 
cycles  of  time,  and  live  an  oriental  life  upon 
the  dim  verge  of  the  historic  period.  Some 
more  of  the  ancient  manuscript  still  remains  in 
my  hands,  yet  undeciphered  and  covered  with 
the  dust  of  ages.  I  hope  to  be  able  to  rescue 
enough  from  destruction  to  make  one,  and 
perhaps  two,  books  more. 

The  letter  to  "The  Evening  Post"  appeared 
soon  after  the  publication  of  Book  Second  of 


xii         PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 

this  volume,  the  Third  and  Fourth  Books  of 
which  are  doubtless  those  referred  to  in  the 
letter  as  likely  to  be  printed  in  the  future. 
Nearly  three  years,  however,  elapsed  between 
the  publication  of  the  First  Book  and  the  com 
pletion  of  the  work. 

The  curious  reader  can  find  a  further  dis 
cussion  of  the  authorship  and  purpose  of  the 
work  in  "  The  Nation,"  of  May,  July,  and 
August,  1866.  In  one  communication,  under 
the  signature  of  the  above  letter,  the  following 
passages  occur,  in  reference  to  the  comments 
of  that  paper  upon  Book  Fourth  : 

* « You  more  than  intimate  that  two  Irish  gen 
tlemen  named  Roberts  and  O'Mahony  are 
treated  with  unseemly  levity  in  the  last  book. 
Where  is  this  to  end  ?  We  shall  next  have 

C— rn— 1— s  V— nd— rb— It  and  D n  R— 

chm — nd  declaring  that  they  are  spoken  of 
disrespectfully  as  being  of  the  Durrektahs. 

"  Apropos  of  the  book  in  question,  you  men 
tion  a  Chaldee  manuscript  by  a  writer  named 
Hogg.  Now  here  is  something  truly  interest 
ing.  I  have  never  seen  this  MS.  But  I  do 
not  hesitate  to  say  that  I  very  much  doubt  the 
genuineness  of  a  MS.  professing  to  be  Chaldee 
which  yet  was  written  by  a  person  whose  name 


PUBLISHERS    ADVERTISEMENT.  XIII 

was  that  of  the  unclean  beast.  For  that  beast 
was  an  abomination  to  the  Chaldees  as  well 
as  to  the  Hebrews,  who  in  fact  were  but  an 
oftshoot  from  the  Ghaldee  stock.  I  shall  be 
much  pleased  if  you  will  inform  me  where  I 
can  get  a  sight  of  this  manuscript. 

"  You  seem  to  have  drawn  conclusions  differ 
ent  from  mine  as  to  the  opinions  of  the  un 
known  author  of  this  book The 

point  to  which  I  particularly  refer  is  your  con 
clusion  that  my  author  was  at  some  time  in  his 
life  ill-used  by  women,  and  treats  them  harshly 
in  revenge.  I,  on  the  contrary,  have  found  in 
him  as  gallant  and  devoted  an  admiration  of 
the  sex  as  could  be  looked  for  in  an  oriental 
writer,  and  one  who  lived  at  such  a  remote 
period.  Indeed,  your  aspersion  of  my  author 
forces  me  to  say  that  I  have  omitted  certain 
passages  of  his  manuscript  revealing  the  ten 
derness  of  many  women  for  him,  and  his  grate 
ful  devotion  in  return,  because,  beautiful  and 
touching  as  they  are,  I  should  blush  to  trans 
late,  much  more  to  print  them.  There  is 
hardly  anything  more  trying  in  this  respect  in 
the  <  Song  of  Solomon '  itself." 

One  of  the  remarkable  circumstances  con 
nected  with  the  first  publication  of  this  book  is 
the  attention  that  it  at  once  commanded,  and 
the  hold  which  it  took  upon  men  in  all  condi- 


XIV 

tions  of  life  without  any  aid  whatever  from  the 
press.  Its  appearance  was  announced  in  an 
advertisement  of  only  a  line  or  two,  and  of  the 
copies  of  the  First  Book  sent  to  the  public 
journals  it  is  believed  that  not  one  received 
any  attention.  Almost  alone  of  the  multitudi 
nous  pamphlets  published,  from  1863  to  1865, 
it  had  the  benefit  neither  of  praise,  nor  abuse, 
nor  of  any  of  the  arts  by  which  publishers 
bring  their  merchandise  into  notice.  And  yet 
the  first  edition  of  one  thousand  copies  was 
gradually  and  not  very  slowly  exhausted. 
One  of  three  thousand  followed  much  more 
rapidly ;  a  third  of  ten  thousand  was  taken  up 
as  soon  as  it  could  be  printed;  and  thencefor 
ward  a  similar  demand  for  it  went  on  steadily 
for  many  months.  The  following  paragraph, 
from  "  The  Round  Table"  of  May  i2th,  1866, 
tells  with  sufficient  accuracy  the  story  of  its 
production  and  publication,  as  far  as  they  are 
known  to  the  present  writer : 


"  Probably  the  greatest  literary  success  of  its  kind  ever 
achieved  was  that  of  'The  New  Gospel  of  Peace,'  the 
fourth  and  concluding  part  of  which  is  announced.  On 
an  average,  within  a  fraction  of  forty-five  thousand  copies 
of  each  book  have  been  sold,  making  the  sale  of  the  three 
books  nearly  one  hundred  and  thirty-five  thousand  copies ! 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT.          xv 

and  the  publishers  continue  to  receive  orders  for  it.  We 
are  informed  that  this  strange  political  satire,  which  made 
such  an  impression  on  the  public  mind  during  the  rebel 
lion,  and  which,  in  spite  of  its  local  character,  was  reprinted 
in  England,  was  begun  as  a  mere  squib  to  be  sent  to  some 
newspaper;  that  the  author  found  it  expand  under  his 
hand,  and,  on  the  completion  of  the  First  Book,  sought, 
through  a  friend,  a  publisher  for  his  bantling,  but  in  vain. 
He  then  published  it  himself,  and  placed  it  in  the 
hands  of  Mr.  Sinclair  Tousey,  now  of  the  American  News 
Company,  as  agent.  Hence  it  is  that  this  gentleman  has 
the  credit  of  being  its  publisher,  and  that  the  friend  in 
question  is  one  of  those  who  have  that  of  being  its  au 
thor." 

After  the  First  Book  had  become  thoroughly 
established  in  popular  favor,  and  was  recog 
nized  as  a  power  in  the  land,  it  did  receive 
notice  from  three  or  four  journals.  The  first 
of  them  was  the  following  paragraph,  which 
appeared  in  "  Harper's  Weekly,"  of  Septem 
ber  5th,  1863,  three  months  after  the  First  Book 
was  published : 

"  The  authorship  of  the  l  New  Gospel  of  Peace,'  one  of 
the  cleverest  political  squibs  of  the  war,  is  a  well-kept 
secret.  It  is  a  broad,  popular,  humorous  burlesque  upon 
the  Copperhead  faith  and  practice,  as  exemplified  in  the 
career  of  Phernandiwud  and  the  followers  of  that  Brum 
magem  Prince  of  Peace.  It  is  done  so  well  that  nobody 
can  escape  the  point ;  and  is  one  of  the  very  few  satires 
which  address  themselves  to  the  universal  public.  A  Pah- 
dee  can  enjoy  it  as  fully  as  a  cultivated  scholar,  and  it  is 
consequently  of  the  greatest  service  to  the  good  cause. 
The  authorship  is  attributed  to  many  well-known  literary 


xvi        PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 

gentlemen,  as  '  The  Lorgnette  '  was  at  the  time  of  its  ap 
pearance;  and  the  writer  must  take  care  that  his  laurels 
are  not  disputed  to  the  end.  The  amusing  controversy  as 
to  the  authorship  of  '  Nothing  to  Wear '  is  yet  freshly  re 
membered,  and  long  after  Mr.  Putnam,  the  publisher,  had 
negotiated  with  the  gentleman  whom  he  supposed  to  have 
written  '  The  Potiphar  Papers,'  he  received  a  very  urgent 
and  persistent  claim  from  the  literary  executor  of  a  gen 
tleman  in  Buffalo,  who  declared  that  he  had  found  the 
manuscript  among  the  papers  of  his  deceased  friend,  and 
insisted  that  the  reputed  author  must  be  an  impostor. 
Public  rumor  points  most  persistently  to  a  well-known  and 
accomplished  scholar,  whose  reputation  has  been  made  in 
quite  other  directions,  as  the  author  of  '  The  New  Gos 
pel  of  Peace.'  He  may  be  congratulated  upon  a  signal 
success,  and  the  public  upon  a  capital  and  timely  satire." 

The  Second  Book  was  received  with  the 
same  silent  indifference  by  the  press  in  gen 
eral,  but  was  made  the  occasion  of  the  following 
remarks  in  the  same  journal  from  which  the 
above  paragraph  is  quoted  : 

"The  Second  Book  of  this  most  universally  popular  and 
effective  political  pamphlet  of  the  war  has  just  appeared. 
Like  the  First  Book,  it  owes  nothing  to  elaborate  advertis 
ing  or  vigorous  puffing.  Indeed,  it  is  a  remarkable  fact  in 
the  history  of  our  literature,  that  the  first  part  was  quietly 
issued,  and  apparently  quietly  ignored  by  the  press,  but 
gradually  making  itself  known  and  felt,  appeared  upon 
every  newspaper  stand,  and  was  intimately  known  to  every 
circle  in  the  country.  The  actual  service  it  has  wrought 
for  the  good  cause  is  very  great.  Like  the  pamphlets  of 
Defoe,  it  is  not  above  the  easy  comprehension  and  delight 
of  plainest  people,  while  by  its  trenchant  blows  it  com 
mands  the  admiration  of  the  most  intelligent  public.  Our 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT.       xvn 

political  satires  hitherto  have  been  generally  beneath  con 
tempt  or  above  general  comprehension.  The  true  wit  and 
power  of  some  of  them  have  commended  them  indeed  to 
the  purely  literary  classes,  but  they  have  not  commanded 
the  interest  and  laughing  assent  of  the  great  busy  crowd 
of  the  country.  The  sale  of  the  First  Book  of  the  New 
Gospel  is  already  prodigious,  and  that  of  the  Second  will 
doubtless  be  like  unto  it.  It  treats  of  events  of  the  last 
summer.  It  even  alludes  to  the  practice  of  the  doctrines 
of  the  New  Gospel  as  seen  in  the  streets  of  New  York  in 
July.  The  charm  of  novelty  is  naturally  wanting,  but  it 
seems  to  us  not  less  racy  than  the  earlier  part. 

"The  authorship  remains  a  secret.  Claims  are  now 
asserted  for  some  source  beyond  Albany,  possibly  among 
the  fountains  of  the  Hudson.  The  work  has  been  attrib 
uted  to  a  score  of  literary  gentlemen  in  the  city.  But  the 
author  and  the  publisher  guard  their  secret  well ;  and  who 
ever  he  may  be,  the  writer  of  the  '  New  Gospel  of  Peace ' 
has  secured  his  place  in  the  memorabilia  of  the  war." 

In  spite  of  the  local  character  which  its  au 
thor  so  whimsically  persists  in  denying,  the 
book  was  reprinted  in  London  ;  and  Mr. 
George  Augustus  Sala,  making  it  the  subject 
of  a  letter  in  the  London  "  Telegraph,"  and 
of  a  chapter  in  his  book  upon  this  country,  said 
of  it: 

"  On  almost  every  book-stall  in  the  United  States  there 
is  to  be  found  exposed  for  sale  a  thin  pamphlet  in  a  crim 
son  cover,  entitled  '  The  New  Gospel  of  Peace  according 
to  St.  Benjamin.'  This  pamphlet  contains  but  forty-two 
pages,  and  is  full  of  shrewd  satire,  not  unmixed  with 
humour.  .  .  .  Very  many  thousand  copies  of  the  '  New 
Gospel  of  Peace'  have  been  sold.  The  success  of  the 
B* 


xvin      PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 

work  has  raised  a  cloud  of  imitations,  most  of  them  as 
trashy  as  they  are  vile.  There  is  a  second  part  to  the 
gospel  itself.  There  is  a  '  Book  of  the  Prophet  Stephen ; ' 
there  are  'Revelations'  —  and  a  most  scandalous  apoca 
lypse  those  revelations  are ;  but  the  crimson-bound  pam 
phlet,  atrocious  as  it  is  [Mr.  Sala  was  Copperheadish  even 
unto  Secesh-ism],  will  take  rank  with  the  most  salient  pro 
ductions  of  American  humour." 

The  work  was  in  the  hands  of  the  whole 
people.  The  gravest  and  the  most  jovial,  the 
most  cultivated  and  those  who  could  barely 
read,  were  brought  together  in  laughter  over  its 
pages ;  and  as  its  various  parts  appeared,  it  was 
doing  a  work  which  long  afterwards  was  thus 
recognized  by  the  distinguished  literary  editor 
of  the  "  Boston  Transcript"  : 

"  « The  New  Gospel  of  Peace  '  did  Copperheadism  more 
harm  than  even  its  own  folly  and  malignity  could  do.  . 
.  .  Thousands  of  the  'President's  Opposition,'  unaf 
fected  by  fact,  argument,  and  appeal,  were  overpowered  by 
this  most  searching  and  humorous  of  political  satires." 

And  yet  all  this  while,  that  is,  during  the 
time  in  which  the  first  three  books  appeared, 
there  was  no  attempt  at  an  appreciation  of  the 
work  by  any  critic,  no  endeavor  to  discover 
the  secret  of  its  power,  and,  with  the  two  or 
three  notable  exceptions  above  pointed  out, 
journalists  continued  to  pass  it  by  unnoticed. 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT.         xix 

The  attainment  of  so  singular  and  so  truly 
popular  a  success,  without  the  aid  of  any  news 
paper  publicity  whatever,  is  a  noteworthy  fact 
in  publishing  annals,  and  one  which,  even  if 
the  author  were  not  the  cynic  which  he  has 
been  pronounced  by  some  of  those  whose  plans 
he  interfered  with,  might  well  have  been  to 
him  a  source  of  secret  gratification.  But  on 
the  other  hand  he  might  also  have  been  per 
plexed  himself  at  his  own  doing,  and  impressed 
with  a  sense  of  responsibility  when  he  found 
what  bow  it  was  that  he  had  drawn  at  a  ven 
ture.  At  the  only  subsequent  attempt  to  ac 
count  for  the  impression  which  his  work  made 
upon  the  public  mind,  —  the  critic  having  at 
tributed  its  success  to  its  phraseology,  —  the 
author  must  have  laughed  in  his  turn,  for  that 
phraseology  has  been  in  use  for  so  many  years 
among  lads  at  school  and  college,  for  burlesque 
records  of  public  affairs,  and  even  for  their  own 
adventures,  as  to  have  become  in  itself  stale 
and  tame  even  to  the  boyish  appetite  for  the 
ludicrous.  The  present  writer  has  only  under 
taken  to  set  forth  such  facts  as  are  known  to 
the  publishers  concerning  the  production  and 
publication  of  the  following  pages ;  but  if  he 


xx         PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 

were  to  venture  an  opinion  upon  the  subject 
just  referred  to,  it  would  be  that  the  secret 
of  the  success  of  this  book  is  to  be  found  in 
the  fact  that  while  it  gives,  under  a  thin  dis 
guise,  a  faithful  history  of  our  late  struggle  in 
all  its  important  political  phases,  and  in  every 
marked  military  stage  of  its  progress,  present 
ing  it  generally  with  grotesque  humor,  but 
sometimes  with  sobriety  and  even  tenderness 
of  feeling,  as,  for  instance,  the  battle  of  Gettys 
burg,  it  is  also  a  general  satire,  and,  ranging 
from  the  heresy  of  secession,  the  wrong  of 
slavery,  and  the  question  of  manhood  suffrage 
and  wholesale  naturalization,  to  the  impositions 
of  incorporated  monopolies,  the  pretensions  and 
little  arts  of  social  cliques,  and  the  extrava 
gance  of  women's  dresses,  touches  humorously, 
but  always  with  serious  purpose,  every  weak, 
sore  spot,  as  well  in  our  society  as  our  poli 
tics.  Of  all  these  subjects,  even  of  the  latter, 
it  aims  at  the  core,  and  pierces  the  outside  only 
in  reaching  that. 

Amid  all  the  discussion  mentioned  in  the 
paragraphs  quoted  above,  and  resisting  the 
temptation  offered  by  a  success  of  which  they 
are  the  records,  the  author  refrained  from  the 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT.        xxi 

public  acknowledgement  of  his  work.  The 
question  as  to  its  origin  was  thus  left  open  to 
conjecture  ;  but  at  last,  for  reasons  which 
seem  very  vague,  general  opinion  upon  this 
subject  settled  so  firmly  upon  one  gentleman, 
that  it  is  proper  to  give  here  a  letter  from  him 
upon  the  subject,  which  appeared  in  "  The  Na 
tion." 

"To  THE  EDITOR  OF  THE  NATION: 

"  In  '  The  Nation '  of  last  week  you  published  a  letter 
from  the  author  of  the  '  New  Gospel  of  Peace,'  containing 
a  not  perfectly  good-natured  allusion  to  myself;  as  to 
which  I  will  only  say,  that,  considering  the  service  I  have 
rendered  to  the  person  in  question,  I  think  it  might  have 
been  gracefully,  at  least,  if  not  generously,  forborne.  On 
the  other  hand,  I  was  surprised  to  find  that  Mr.  Bartlett, 
in  his  copious  and  serviceable  Bibliography  of  the  War, 
attributes  the  *  New  Gospel  of  Peace '  to  me,  without  the 
least  authority  for  so  doing,  while  he  does  not  mention  me 
as  the  author  of  other  pamphlets  which  I  did  write.  Of 
course,  I  will  not  affect  ignorance  of  the  fact  that  I  am 
among  those  to  whom  this  anonymous  work  has  been  as 
signed  by  rumor — I  cannot  conjecture  why,  unless  it  be 
because  of  the  friendly  offices  in  regard  to  business  matters 
which  I  have  performed  for  its  author.  And,  indeed,  it  has 
not  been  without  a  peculiar  interest  that  I  have  received 
the  positive  assurance  of  evidently  well-informed  strangers, 
whom  I  have  accidentally  met  in  the  book-stores  of  other 
cities,  that  this  yet  unclaimed  bantling  was  the  offspring 
of  such  or  such  a  gentleman  of  repute  in  the  world  of  let 
ters,  and  that  the  report  that  it  was  by  Mr.  Grant  White 
was  quite  preposterous ;  it  was  entirely  out  of  his  style. 
My  vanity,  which  is  naturally  great,  could  not  but  be  grati 
fied  at  finding  myself  so  well  understood  by  persons  whom 


xxii      PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT. 

I  had  never  before  had  the  pleasure  of  meeting.  Perhaps  I 
should  also  feel  more  flattered  than  I  do,  that  others  have 
given  me  such  credit  as  attaches  to  a  series  of  pamphlets 
the  popularity  of  which  I  cannot  deny ;  but  I  may  be  par 
doned  if  I  do  not  find  the  bitter  satire  and  broad  humor  of 
St.  Benjamin  quite  so  much  to  my  taste  as  some  persons 
seem  to  find  it  to  theirs. 

"'The  Nation,'  in  its  notice  of  the  Fourth  Book,  com 
pared  the  series  with  '  The  Scottish  Chaldee  Manuscript,' 
published  in  '  Blackwood's  Magazine '  fifty  years  ago ;  re 
marking  that  '  it  is  hardly  doubtful  that  we  should  not  have 
had  it  if  Hogg  had  not  previously  produced  "The  Chal 
dee,"  '  and  adding  that  '  that  famous  parody  is  superior  to 
this  in  other  respects  than  priority  in  time.  Its  biblical 
style  is  better  preserved,  fewer  of  its  expressions  being 
modern.' 

"  The  *  New  Gospel  of  Peace '  having  interested  me  some 
what  as  a  reproduction  of  what  may  be  called  the  sacred 
style  of  Elizabethan  English,  this  criticism  of  '  The  Nation ' 
led  me  to  seek  for  the  '  Chaldee  Manuscript,'  which,  until 
about  three  weeks  ago,  I  had  heard  of  but  never  seen.  I 
sought  it  in  vain  for  a  while,  but  finally  found  it,  not  in 
*  Blackwood '  or  Hogg,  but  in  Dr.  Shelton  Mackenzie's  edi 
tion  of  the  '  Noctes  Ambrosianae.'  And  I  there  found  why 
I  had  never  met  with  it.  It  was  suppressed ;  and  to  obtain 
a  sight  of  it,  even  on  the  other  side  of  the  Atlantic,  has 
been  so  difficult,  as  Dr.  Mackenzie  tells  us,  that  he  *  searched 
all  the  national  and  public  libraries  in  England  and  Scot 
land  where  sets  of  "Blackwood"  are  kept,  and  never  suc 
ceeded  in  meeting  one.  .  .  .  containing  the  "Chaldee.'" 
He  finally  found  the  only  copy  he  ever  saw  at  a  bookseller's 
in  this  city.  Thus,  although  the  '  Chaldee  Manuscript '  is 
half  a  century  older  than  the  '  New  Gospel  of  Peace,'  it  is, 
I  think,  quite  improbable  that  the  latter  should  have  been 
written  in  imitation  of  the  former,  or  even  because  of  its 
precedence.  It  was  the  successor  of  the  '  Chaldee  Manu 
script,'  but  not  its  consequent.  Nor  can  I  agree  with  you 
as  to  the  comparative  faithfulness  of  the  two  in  style  to 
their  common  model.  The  positive  merits  of  either,  in  this 


PUBLISHERS   ADVERTISEMENT.          XXIII 

regard  or  in  any  other,  I  do  not  propose  to  discuss,  but  some 
remark  upon  their  phraseology  and  cast  of  thought  may 
not  be  without  interest. 

"The  author  of  the  'Chaldee  Manuscript' seems  not  to 
have  been  able  to  think  in  the  dialect  (so  to  speak)  in  which 
he  undertook  to  write,  but  to  have  assumed  it  as  a  person  as 
sumes  a  foreign  language  the  vocabulary  of  which  he  has 
acquired  but  has  not  assimilated,  thinking  in  his  mother 
tongue,  and  translating  the  words  in  his  mind  into  the  lan 
guage  which  he  speaks.  This  always  produces  awkwardness 
of  expression  and  strangeness  of  effect,  even  when  there  is  not 
absolute  verbal  incorrectness  or  false  construction.  In  the 
very  first  chapter  of  the  'Manuscript'  are  these  phrases, 
which  I  do  not  hesitate  to  say  are  quite  out  of  keeping : 
'Whereunto  I  may  employ  you,' '  and  enrich  themselves  with 
the  wool,'  '  all  things  that  relate  to  learning,' '  and  they  prof 
fered  unto  him  a  book,'  '  that  had  put  such  amazing  words 
into  the  book,'  '  put  your  trust  under  the  shadow  of  my 
wings,'  '  and  by  these  means  you  shall  wax  very  great,' 
1  who  dwelleth  in  the  old  fastness,'  '  and  he  framed  songs,' 

*  and  they  heard  a  voice  of  one  screeching  at  the  gate.' 
Now  each  one  of  these  phrases  contains  either  a  word,  as 

*  fastness,'  '  screeching,'  or  a  construction,  as  '  these '  ap 
plied  to  '  means,'  and  '  framed '  to  '  songs,'  which  is  foreign 
to  the  dialect  in  question.     And  this  not  a  strangeness  re 
sulting  from  the  novelty  of  the  objects  introduced,  which 
would  be  permissible  if  it  could  not  be  avoided ;  it  appears 
in  the  use  of  words  common  to  our  language  in  all  styles 
and  all  ages.      For  instance,  again,  the  Chaldee  writer, 
wishing  to  describe  taking  snuff,  says,  '  And  he  took  from 
under  his  girdle  a  gem  of  curious  workmanship  of  silver    . 
.     .     .     and  he  took  from  thence  something  in  color  like 
unto  the  dust  of  the  earth.'     Here  the  use  of  '  gem,'  *  from 
thence,'  and  '  something '  is  incongruous  with  the  style. 
A  translator  from  the  Chaldee  two  hundred  and  fifty  years 
ago  would  have  been  much  homelier  and  more  direct  in  his 
phrase.     He  would,  I  venture  to  say,  have  simply  written, 
'  And  he  took  from  under  his  girdle  a  box  curiously  made 
.     .     .     .     and  he  took  from  it  dust  in  color  like  unto  the 


XXIV 

dust  of  the  earth.'  He  would  not  have  shrunk  from  the 
repetition  of  '  dust; '  and  certainly  would  not  have  avoided 
it  by  writing  *  took  something,'  which  is  very  colloquial 
and  modern.  It  may  be  worthy  of  remark  that  the  invita 
tion  to  take  something  is  not  now-a-days  supposed  to  indi 
cate  snuff.  Errors  like  this  are  not  uncommon  in  the 
'  Chaldee  Manuscript,'  brief  as  it  is ;  but,  although  the 
*  New  Gospel  of  Peace '  is  ten  times  as  long,  I  have  been 
able  to  discover  in  it  no  important  defects  of  this  kind. 
The  '  Chaldee  Manuscript '  also  commits  the  fault  of  ap 
plying  Oriental  names  arbitrarily  to  Scotch  places,  calling, 
for  example,  one  river — the  Tweed — 'the  Jordan,'  and 
another  '  the  brook  Kedron.'  This  means  nothing,  and  ef 
fects  nothing  but  confusion.  One  might  as  well  have  been 
called  Abarnar  and  the  other  Parphar.  The  subject  of  the 
'Manuscript'  is,  besides,  so  obscure  —  the  mere  personal 
affairs  of  some  men  of  letters  and  their  publishers  —  that 
it  is  not  only  quite  incomprehensible  now,  but  must  have 
been  so  when  it  was  written,  except  within  the  compara 
tively  narrow  circle  of  the  friends  and  acquaintances  of  the 
personages  who  figure  in  the  story. 

"  Although  the  '  New  Gospel  of  Peace,'  whatever  may 
be  its  peculiar  faults,  is,  as  far  as  I  am  capable  of  judging, 
almost  entirely  free  from  such  as  are  above  mentioned, 
upon  close  examination  I  find  two  or  three  passages  ob 
noxious  to  criticism  in  this  respect.  Compelled  by  the 
exigencies  of  a  speech  made  by  the  individual  whom  he 
calls  '  Phernandiwud,'  the  author  has  used  the  phrase  '  a 
splendid  despotism.'  It  need  hardly  be  said  that  not  only 
the  language  but  the  cast  of  thought  in  this  phrase  is  pecu 
liarly  modern  and  quite  inadmissible.  He  also  speaks  of 
the  'government'  of  Unculpsalm,  and  of  'slavery.'  Now 
government,  meaning  the  capacity  of  the  act  of  governing, 
was,  as  an  idea  or  a  word,  familiar  enough  to  Elizabethan 
writers;  but  government,  as  an  institution,  admitting  the 
indefinite  article,  —  a  government,  for  which  the  idea  or 
the  word  'governing'  cannot  be  substituted,  —  is,  I  think, 
a  conception  but  little  older,  if  at  all,  than  the  middle  of 
the  seventeenth  century.  Even  in  the  phrase  '  the  govern- 


PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT.       xxv 

ment  shall  be  upon  his  shoulder,'  the  word  'government' 
has  quite  a  different  sense  from  that  which  it  has  in  '  the 
government  of  such  or  such  a  country.'  So,  although  we 
read  in  Shakespeare  and  his  contemporaries  of  slavery  as  a 
condition  of  the  individual,  it  is  not,  I  believe,  until  Mil 
ton's  time  that  we  meet  with  the  word  representing  the  ab 
stract  idea —  the  institution  of  slavery.  This  author  also 
makes  «  Phernandiwud '  prophesy  that,  under  certain  con 
ditions,  '  the  lion  of  the  South  and  the  lamb  of  the  North 
shall  lie  down  together.'  He  should  have  known  better 
than  to  fall  into  this  almost  universal  misrepresentation  of 
a  well-known  passage  of  Isaiah's  writing.  The  Hebrew 
prophet  says  nothing  about  lions  and  lambs.  He  knew 
the  terror  of  the  shepherd  better.  He  wrote  *  the  -wolf  shall 
dwell  with  the  lamb,'  '  the  •wolf  and  the  lamb  shall  feed  to 
gether,'  and  I  doubt  much  whether,  if  *  lion  '  and  '  lamb ' 
began  with  the  same  letter  in  Hebrew,  he  would  have  been 
tempted  by  alliteration  into  inaccuracy. 

"  One  fault  is  common  to  both  the  *  Chaldee  Manuscript ' 
and  the  '  New  Gospel  of  Peace.'  Both  use  the  neuter  pos 
sessive  pronoun* its;  the  latter  in  a  single  passage  (Book 
I.,  chap.  IV.,  v.  27),  the  former  in  several.  This  word  is 
unknown  in  the  sacred  dialect  of  the  Elizabethan  period ; 
and  in  the  first  quarter  of  the  seventeenth  century  was  but 
just  struggling  into  use  among  secular  writers.  This  I  re 
marked  in  my  notes  to  *  The  Winter's  Tale,'  published  six 
years  before,  and  in  those  to  'Hamlet  and  Cymbeline,' 
published  the  year  before  the  first  appearance  of  the  '  New 
Gospel  of  Peace.'  The  author  of  that  book  will,  I  hope, 
pardon  me  for  pointing  out  these  defects  in  it,  and  may  be 
sure  that  no  one  less  than  I  would  willingly  deprive  him 
of  any  well-earned  approbation.  His  incognito,  since  he 
chooses  to  preserve  it,  I  shall  certainly  respect,  although 
at  the  cost  of  some  annoyance  to  myself;  and  so,  I  cannot 
doubt,  will  the  few  friends  who,  I  have  reason  to  believe, 
have  shared  his  confidence  with  me  from  the  beginning. 
"Your  obedient  servant, 

"RICHARD  GRANT  WHITE. 

"July  30,  1866." 

c 


*•  xxvi      PUBLISHER'S  ADVERTISEMENT.* 

The  publishers  have  nothing  to  add  to  this 
preliminary  matter,  except  to  say  that  the  gen 
tleman  who  has  superintended  this  book  in  its 
progress  through  the  press,  has  availed  him 
self,  to  a  certain  extent,  of  the  criticisms  of 
Mr.  Grant  White's  letter. 

119  &  121  NASSAU  STREET, 
NEW  YORK,  Oct.  2,  1866. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


BOOK  FIRST. 
[Published  July  27th,  1863.] 

(xxvii) 


THE 


NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE, 

ACCORDING  TO  ST.  BENJAMIN. 


BOOK    I. 


CHAPTER    I. 

I.  The  Mystery.  2.  War  in  the  Land  of  Unculpsalm.  5. 
Phernanditvud.  10.  Seeketh  a  partner.  17.  Searcheth 
the  Scripture.  19.  Findeth  something  to  his  advantage. 
24.  And  walketh  slantindicularly .  25.  Is  brought  before 
the  Judge.  27.  Shoiveth  his  Innocence. 

THE  mystery  of  the  new  gospel  of  peace. 
2.  In  the  days  of  Abraham,  when  there 
was  war  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  all 

VER.  i.  The  author  with  striking  brevity  announces  his 
great  theme.  This  teaches  us  how  much  can  be  said  in  a 
few  words.  Compare  the  ancient  writer  in  this  respect 
with  the  moderns, — with  Milton  for  instance;  much  to 
Milton's  disadvantage.  Milton's  intentions  were  good, 
however.  The  author  tells  us  that  his  book  is  a  mystery; 
by  which  he  means  that  it  is  not  easy  to  be  understood ; 
perhaps  that  he  did  not  understand  it  himself.  His  candor 
might  well  be  imitated  by  some  later  writers. 

VER.  2.  Investigation  and  conjecture  are  equally  baffled 
in  the  attempt  to  discover  the  situation  of  the  land  of 
1 


2       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

the  people  fought  with  weapons  of  iron,  and 
with  ships  of  iron 

3.  (For  there  came  a  man  out  of  the  coun 
try  beyond  the   North   Sea,  a   son   of  Tubal 
Cain,  and  joined  himself  unto  the  people  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  made  unto  them  ships  of  iron, 
with  towers  upon  the  decks  thereof,  and  beaks 
upon  the  prows  thereof,  very  mighty  and  mar 
vellous)  , 

4.  There  went  out  one  who  preached  a  new 
gospel  of  peace.     And  it  was  in  this  wise. 

5.  It  came  to  pass  in  those  days  that  in  the 
country  of  Mannatton,    in   the   city  which   is 

Unculpsalm,  in  which  the  events  related  in  this  book  took 
place.  The  scholiast  suggests  that  as  the  langkies  are 
said  to  have  worshipped  an  idol  called  the  almighty  Dahl 
Lar,  they  probably  dwelt  upon  the  plains  of  Shinar.  The 
conjecture  is  ingenious  and  plausible,  but  hardly  sound. 

VER.  3.  A  son  of  Tubal  Cain.  More  properly  a  disciple 
of  Tubal  Cain,  who,  we  are  told,  was  the  instructor  of 
every  artificer  in  brass  and  iron.  But  the  word  son  used 
in  this  sense  is  one  of  the  traits  of  the  Eastern  origin  of 
this  book.  Thus,  Tubal  Cain's  half-brother  was  Jubal, 
who,  we  are  told,  was  the  father  of  all  such  as  handle  the 
harp  and  organ,  by  which  we  are  not  to  understand  that 
all  those  whom  we  see  daily  handling  the  organ  are  the 
actual  progeny  of  Jubal.  For  he  lived  before  the  flood, 
when  the  original  race  of  organ-grinders  seems  to  have 
been  happily  drowned. 

VER.  5.  Phernandiivud.  The  persistent  but  futile  at 
tempts  of  various  purblind  critics  to  show  that  this  book 
is  a  political  satire  upon  events  of  the  present  day  are 
brought  to  naught  in  the  case  of  this  the  most  prominent 
if  not  the  most  important  character  in  the  book.  No  such 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.       3 

called  Gotham,  that  is  over  against  Jahrzee,' as 
thou  goest  down  by  the  great  river,  the  River 
Hutzoon,  to  Communipah,  there  was  a  man 
whose  name  was  Phernandiwud. 

6.  And  he  was  a  just  man,  and  a  righteous ; 
and  he  walked  uprightly  before  the  world. 

7.  But  when  he  was  not  before  the  world  his 
walk  was  slantindicular. 

8.  And  he  loved  the  people. 

9.  And  Phernandiwud  said  within  himself, 
Of  a  truth  I  love  the  people ;  but  am  I  not  one 
of  the  people ;   yea,  verily,  am  I  not  number 
one  of  the  people?   and  shall  I  not  therefore 
first  love  myself  ? 

10.  So  Phernandiwud   first   loved   himself, 
and  the  rest  of  the  people  after  himself. 

1 1 .  Now  in  the  days  when  Phranclinn  ruled 
the  land  (he  that  was  captain  of  a  thousand  in 
the    armies   of   Unculpsalm   when   they  went 
down  to  Mecsicho) ,  Phernandiwud  sought  unto 
himself  a  partner,  even  a  partner  with  shekels ; 
and  he  found  a  man  whose  name  was  Marah- 
vine. 

person  as  Phernandiwud  is  known  in  this  or  any  other 
country.  The  desperate  shifts  to  which  the  maintainers 
of  the  theory  in  question  are  put,  appear  in  their  attempt 
to  connect  this  personage  with  a  Mayor  of  New  York,  and 
Member  of  Congress,  who  was  sued  for  falsifying  his  ac 
counts,  and  who  escaped  criminal  process  because  it  was 
commenced  one  day  too  late  according  to  law.  How  flimsy 
the  theory  which  depends  upon  such  evidence  for  its  support ! 


4       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

12.  And  Phernandiwud   said  unto   Marah- 
vine :   Lo,  there  is  gold  in  the  land  of  Kala- 
phorni ; 

13.  And  the  gold  of  that  land  is  good. 

14.  Now  behold,  thou  art  rich,  and  thy  ser 
vant  is  poor;    but  thy  servant  is  cunning  in 
merchandise,  diligent  and  crafty  in  business. 
Let,  therefore,  my  lord  furnish  me  of  his  gold 
and  his  silver,  and  I  will  buy  merchandise  and 
ships,  and  trade  with  the  men  of  Kalaphorni 
and  get  great  gain,  a  hundred,  yea  even  two 
hundred  fold,  and  we  shall  divide  the  spoil. 

15.  So  they  traded  with  the  men  of  Kala 
phorni,  and  got  great  gain,  a  hundred  and  two 
hundred  fold.     But  Phernandiwud  divided  not 
the  spoil ;  for  he  was  not  before  the  world. 

16.  So  his  walk  was  slantindicular. 

17.  And  he  communed  within  himself,  and 

VER.  12.  The  Land  of  Kalaphorni.  Where  this  land 
was  is  no  less  uncertain  than  the  locality  of  the  land  of  Un- 
culpsalm.  It  appears,  however,  to  have  had  a  strange  in 
fluence  upon  the  social  state  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  For 
there  are  traces  of  an  order  of  women  in  the  latter  known 
as  Kalaphorni  widows.  Whether  they  were  regarded  as 
widows  because  their  husbands  had  gone  before  them  into 
the  land  of  promise,  but  not  of  performance,  is  now  beyond 
the  reach  of  conjecture. 

VER.  14.  Divide  the  spoil.  Not  a  felicitous  rendering; 
for  spoil  refers  rather  to  warlike  than  to  mercantile  affairs. 
Yet  the  Hebrews,  we  are  told  in  their  sacred  writings, 
spoiled  the  Egyptians  by  purely  business  transactions.  In 
the  langkie  tongue  the  word  means  strictly  plunder. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.        5 

said :  Is  it  not  written  in  the  Scripture  (for  he 
was  a  just  man  and  a  righteous,  and  searched 
the  Scripture  daily, 

1 8.  Saying,  peradventure  I  shall  find  therein 
something  to  my  advantage) , 

19.  That  a  certain  steward  made  unto  him 
self  friends  of  the  mammon  of  unrighteous 
ness,  by  saying  to   one   man,  who  owed  his 
lord  an  hundred  measures  of  oil,  Take  thy  bill 
and  sit  down  quickly  and  write  fifty ;  and  to 
another  who   owed   an  hundred  measures  of 
wheat,  Take  thy  bill  and  sit  down  quickly  and 
write  fourscore? 

20.  And  did  not  the  lord  of  that   steward 
commend  him  because   he  had  done  wisely ; 
because  the  children  of  this  world  are  wiser  in 
their  generation  than  the  children  of  light? 

21.  And  am  not  I,  even  I,  Phernandiwud,  a 
child  of  this  world,  and  wise  in  my  generation  ? 
Yea,  verily.     And  I  will  take  my  bill  and  sit 
down  quickly ;   and  where   Marahvine  oweth 
me  fourscore  shekels,  I  will  write  an  hundred; 
and  where  I  owe  him  an  hundred,  I  will  write 
fifty. 

22.  And  is  it  not  written  that  we  shall  be  as 
wise  as  serpents  and   as   harmless  as  doves? 
Therefore  will  I  be  as  wise  as  a  serpent  unto 
Marahvine,  and  as  harmless   as  a  dove  unto 

myself. 

l* 


O       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

23.  Then  Phernandiwud  took   his  bill  and 
sat  down  quickly,  and  where  Marahvine  owed 
him  fourscore  shekels  he  wrote  an  hundred, 
and  where  he  owed  Marahvine  an  hundred  he 
wrote  fifty. 

24.  So  his  walk  was  slantindicular. 

25 .  But  it  came  to  pass  after  many  days  that 
Marahvine  discovered  how  Phernandiwud  had 
searched  the  Scripture  to  his  advantage.     And 
he  brought  him  before  the  judge,  and  would 
have  convicted  him  at  the  mouth  of  two  wit 
nesses ;    and,    moreover,    the    writings    were 
against  him. 

26.  But  there  was  a  statute  in  Gotham  that 
no  man  should  be  held  guilty  before  the  law 
save  for  that  which  he  had  done  within  six 
years,  but  that  after  six  years  he  should  go 
free. 

27.  So  Phernandiwud  said  unto  the  judge  : 
Lo,  what  Marahvine  saith  that  thy  servant  hath 

VER.  23.  He  wrote  fifty.  The  great  wisdom  of  Pher 
nandiwud  and  his  readiness  to  profit  by  scriptural  example 
are  strikingly  manifest  in  this  transaction.  The  axiom  in 
morals,  that  there  is  a  great  deal  of  human  nature  in  man, 
and  that  history  therefore  repeats  itself,  is  illustrated  by  a 
comparison  of  these  events,  which  occurred  centuries  ago, 
with  those  recorded  in  the  recent  well-known  case  of  Henry 
Sheldon,  George  E.  Byxbie,  William  H.  Sheldon,  and  Levi 
Chestnutwood,  assignees  of  Edward  E.  Marvine,  against 
Fernando  Wood,  which  will  be  found  reported  at  some 
length  and  commented  upon  in  the  New  York  newspapers 
of  November,  1854. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.        7 

done  was  done,  by  his  own  showing,  six  years 
and  three  hours  ago.  Therefore  thy  servant  is 
guiltless.  I  pray  thee,  therefore,  declare  thy 
servant  guiltless,  and  let  him  go. 

28.  And  he  did  so.  And  Phernandiwud 
went  out  from  before  him  justified  in  his  wis 
dom  and  his  innocence. 


8       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


CHAPTER  II. 

i.  The  Pahdees.  2.  They  govern  Gotham.  6.  Phernandi- 
ivud  maketh  friends  of  the  Pahdees.  9.  Who  make  him 
Chief  Ruler  of  the  City.  n.  And  together  they  devour 
the  substance  of  the  Men  of  Gotham.  15.  The  Watchmen 
of  Gotham  removed  from  the  rule  of  Phernandiivud. 
16.  Who  gathereth  together  the  Hittites  and  the  Ham- 
merites.  19.  And  conceiveth  with  the  Mystery  of  the 
New  Gospel  of  Peace. 

NOW,  it  came  to  pass  that  in  the  City  of 
Gotham  were  many  Pahdees,  like  unto 
locusts  for  multitude.  And  they  were  not  of  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm,  but  came  from  an  island 
beyond  the  great  sea ;  a  land  of  famine  and 
oppression.  And  they  knew  nothing.  They 

VER.  i.  Many  Pahdees.  These  people,  in  whose  hands 
the  Gothamites  seem  to  have  entirely  placed  the  govern 
ment  of  their  city,  appear  to  have  been  of  an  entirely  differ 
ent  race  from  the  langkies  and  the  Phiretahs  and  the  other 
people  of  Unculpsalm.  There  is  no  record  of  such  another 
transfer  of  power  in  all  history.  As  to  the  island  whence 
they  came,  see  Book  IV.  Chap.  ix.  A  slight  clue  is  given 
to  the  origin  of  this  story  by  the  name  Gotham  and  the 
course  of  the  people  in  regard  to  the  Pahdees.  This  shows 
that  these  men  of  Gotham  were  evidently  of  the  same  race 
as  the  three  wise  men  of  Gotham  who  went  to  sea  in  a  bowl. 
As  that  bowl  must  have  been  a  punch-bowl,  it  plainly  pre 
figures  the  rule  of  the  Pahdees  in  Gotham. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.        9 

read  not,  neither  did  they  write,  and  like  the 
multitudes  of  Nineveh,  many  of  them  did  not 
know  their  right  hand  from  their  left. 

2.  Therefore  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  who 
dwelt  in  Gotham  troubled  themselves  little  to 
govern  the  city,  and  paid  the  Pahdees  richly  to 
govern  it  for  them. 

3.  For  the  men  of  Gotham  were  great  mer 
chants  and  artificers,  trading  to  the  ends  of 
the  earth ;  diligent  and  cunning  in  their  busi 
ness,   wise   and  orderly  in   their  households ; 
and  they  got  great  gain,  and  the  fame  of  their 
wisdom  and  their  diligence  was  spread  abroad. 
Wherefore  they  said,  why  shall  we  leave  our 
crafts  and  our  merchandise,  and  our  ships,  and 
our  feasts,  and  the  gathering  together  of  our 
wives  and  our  daughters,  and  our  men-singers 
and  our  women-singers,   to  give  our  time  to 
ruling  the  city  ? 

4.  Behold,  here  are  the  Pahdees  who  know 
nothing,  who  read  not,  neither  do  they  write, 
and  who  know  not  their  right  hand  from  their 
left,  and  who  have  never  governed  even  them 
selves,  and  who  will  be  glad  to  govern  the  city 
in  our  stead. 

5.  Wherefore  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  who 
dwelt  in  Gotham  went,  the  one  to  his  craft,  the 
other  to  his  ships,  and  the  other  to  his  mer 
chandise  ;  and  the  Pahdees  governed  Gotham. 


IO      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE, 

6.  Now  Phernandiwud   saw  that  the   men 
whom  the  Pahdees  appointed  to  be  officers  in 
Gotham  fed  at  the  public  crib,  and  waxed  fat, 
and  increased   in    substance.      Moreover,    so 
great  and  mighty  was  the  city  of  Gotham  that 
they  who  ruled  it  were  powerful  in  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm ;   stretching  out  their  hands  from 
the  North  even  unto  the  South,  and  from  the 
East  even  unto  the  West ;  but  most  of  all  were 
they  powerful  with  the  men  of  the  South. 

7.  And  Phernandiwud  said  within  himself, 
Shall  I  not  feed  at  the  public  crib,  and  wax  fat, 
and  increase  in  substance,  and  become  a  man 
of  power  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  ? 

8.  So  he  made  friends  unto  himself  among 
the  Pahdees,  and  of  certain  men  of  Unculpsalm 
who  had  joined  themselves  unto  the  Pahdees, 
and  who  called  themselves  Dimmichrats. 

9.  And  he  became  a  great  man  among  them. 
And  they  made  him  chief  ruler  of  the  city. 
And  it  was  of  the  Pahdees  that  he  was  first 
called  Phernandiwud. 

10.  Now,  when   Phernandiwud  was   chief 
ruler  of  Gotham,  the  Pahdees,  and  the  men  of 

VER.  6.  The  officers  appointed  by  the  Pahdees  fed  at  the 
public  crib.  A  striking  example  of  the  wisdom  of  Solo 
mon's  saying :  "  The  ox  knoweth  his  owner  and  the  ass 
his  master's  crib." 

VER.  10.  The  Watchmen  of  the  City.  The  tendency  of 
history  to  repeat  itself,  which  has  been  already  mentioned, 
and  which  this  book  so  often  illustrates,  is  shown  in  the 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      II 

Unculpsalm  which  were  also  Dimmichrats,  did 
what  was  right  in  their  own  eyes;  and  they 
worked  confusion  in  the  city,  and  devoured  the 
substance  of  the  men  of  Gotham.  And  the 
watchmen  of  the  city  were  as  clay  in  the  hands 
of  Phernandiwud. 

11.  For  he   said,  I  will  have   a  one  man 
power ;  and  the  one  man  shall  be  me,  even  me 
Phernandiwud;    and    the    Pahdees,    and   the 
Dimmichrats,  and  the  watchmen  of  Gotham, 
shall  do  my  will ;  and  after  they  have  done  my 
will,  they  may  do  what  is  right  in  their  own 
eyes,  and  work  confusion,  and  devour  the  peo 
ple's  substance. 

12.  And  the  men  of  Gotham  were  amazed 
and  confounded ;  and  they  said  one  to  another, 

13.  Behold,  we  are  held  as  naught  by  Pher 
nandiwud  and  them  that  are  under  him,  and 
he  will  destroy  us  and  our  city. 

14.  But  they  could  not  cast  him  out,  because 
of  the  Pahdees,  and  the  men  of  Unculpsalm 
which  also  were  Dimmichrats. 


course  of  events  which  attended  the  establishment  of  the 
Metropolitan  Police  Department  in  New  York,  only  a  few 
years  before  the  first  publication  of  The  New  Gospel  of 
Peace.  The  two  stories  are  such  perfect  counterparts, 
although  they  refer  to  different  countries  and  to  periods  so 
far  separated,  that  it  has  even  been  supposed,  by  those  who 
mistake  the  character  of  this  book,  that  it  was  written  after 
the  occurrence  of  the  events  just  referred  to.  A  warning  to 
all  shallow  critics. 


12  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

15.  Wherefore  they  said,  we  will  pray  the 
governor  and  rulers  of  the  province  to  take  the 
watchmen  of  the   city  from  under  his  hand, 
and  put  in  other  watchmen  who  shall    guard 
the  city,  and  the  country  round  about  the  same  ; 
and  he  shall  no  longer  work  confusion,  and 
devour  our  substance,  and  destroy  our  city. 

1 6.  Wherefore    the   watchmen   were    taken 
from  under  his  rule,  and  there  were  appointed 
other  watchmen,  whose  captains  were  not  Pah- 
dees  and  followers  of  Phernandiwud. 

17.  But   Phernandiwud,    because   he   loved 
the  people,  and  himself  first,  as  number  one 
of  the  people,  withstood  the  watchmen  which 
the  governor  and  the  rulers  of  the  province 
had  appointed.     And  he  gathered  together  his 
watchmen  and  much  people  of  the  Pahdees, 
and  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  which  also  were 
Dirnmichrats, 

18.  Hittites,  so  called,  because  they  hit  from 

VER.  18.  The  scholiast  would  have  it  that  this  passage  is 
corrupt,  and  that  Hammerites  is  but  another  form  of 
Amorites,  due  to  the  fact  that  the  ancient  manuscript  was 
copied  by  a  scribe  of  the  men  of  Jonbool,  who  spelled 
phonographically.  This  conjecture  is  plausible  and  ingen 
ious,  but  somewhat  too  fanciful.  Its  author  was  probably 
led  by  the  presence  of  the  name  of  the  other  tribe,  the  Hit 
tites,  into  supposing  that  these  people  were  those  whom  the 
Jews  drove  out  of  Palestine.  This  supposition,  however, 
somewhat  antedates  the  probable  period  when  the  events 
recorded  in  this  book  took  place.  It  is  proper  to  record, 
however,  a  tradition  that  its  author  was  an  High  Vite. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  13 

the  shoulder,  and  Hammerites,  because  they 
brake  the  heads  of  all  them  that  set  themselves 
up  against  them. 

19.  And  the   watchmen  of  Phernandiwud, 
and   the   Pahdees,   and   the   Hittites   and   the 
Hammerites,   fought  with   the   watchmen    ap 
pointed  by  the  governor  and  the  chief  rulers  of 
the  province,  doing  in  this  the  will  of  Pher 
nandiwud.     And  they  fought  many  times,  and 
they  brake  each  the  heads  of  the  other :   yet 
was  neither  vanquished. 

20.  And  when  the  judges  of  the  province 
saw  this,  they  declared  unto  the  governor,  that 
by  the  great  law   of  the  province,  he  could 
march  an  army  upon  Phernandiwud,  and  his 
watchmen,  and  his  Pahdees,  and  his  Hittites, 
and   his   Hammerites,    and    put   them   to   the 
sword. 

21.  And  when  Phernandiwud  read  this  dec 
laration  of  the  judges,  he  saw  that  there  was  an 
end  of  his  rule  over  the  watchmen,  and  of  his 
one  man  power  in  Gotham ;  and  he  said  unto 
the  watchmen,   and  to  the  Pahdees,  and  the 
Hittites,  and  the  Hammerites,  Get  you  to  your 
houses,  I  have  nothing  more  to  give  unto  you. 

22.  But   he  charged  the  cost  thereof  unto 
the  city. 

VER.  2.   Phernandiwud    charged  the  cost  thereof  unto 
the  city.     Here  we  have  an  example  of  great  constancy,  of 
singleness  of  purpose,  and  of  faithfulness  unto  the  end, 
2 


14  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

23.  And  this  was  the  first  time  that  Pher- 
nandiwud  conceived  in  his  mind  the  mystery 
of  the  new  gospel  of  peace. 

which  is  truly  edifying.  But  the  same  virtues,  which  were 
followed  by  blessings  in  patriarchal  days,  are  equally  sure 
of  recompense  of  one  kind  or  another  now.  Let  us,  there 
fore,  all  emulate  the  righteousness  of  Phernandiwud,  that, 
like  him,  we  may  all  have  our  reward. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      15 


CHAPTER  III. 

I.  The  War  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  3.  The  Great 
Covenant.  5.  The  greatness  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 
7.  Provoketh  the  hatred  of  Kings  and  Oppressors.  8. 
The  Niggahs.  n.  And  the  Covenant  concerning  them. 
14.  The  Niggahs.  16.  There  arise  men  of  Belial.  19. 
The  Tshivulree.  22.  And  what  the  Tshivulree  did  to 
the  men  of  Belial.  24.  The  Dimmichratsjoin  themselves 
unto  the  Tshivulree.  26.  The  Everlasting  Niggah.  27. 
Philip  of  Athens,  a  Priest  of  Beelzebub.  29.  Isaiah 
thrusteth  him  out  of  the  Tabernacle.  31.  But  the  Men 
of  Belial  prevail.  35.  And  the  spirit  Bak  Bohn  pos- 
sesseth  their  disciples.  39.  The  Phiretahs  and  Presten- 
bruux. 

NOW  the  war  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm 
was  in  this  wise. 

2.  The  people  were  of  one  blood,  but  the 
land  was  in  many  provinces.  And  the  people 
of  the  provinces  joined  themselves  together 
and  cast  off  the  yoke  of  a  stiff-necked  king 
who  oppressed  them  beyond  the  great  sea. 
And  they  said,  let  us  have  no  king,  but  let  us 
choose  from  ourselves  a  man  to  rule  over  us ; 
and  let  us  no  longer  be  many  provinces,  but 
one  nation  ;  only  in  those  things  which  concern 
not  the  nation  let  the  people  in  each  province 
do  what  is  right  in  their  own  eyes. 


l6      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

3.  And  let  it  be  written  upon  parchment  and 
be  for  a  covenant  between  us  and  our  children, 
and  our  children's  children  forever — like  unto 
a  law  of  the  Medes  and  Persians  which  alter- 
eth  not. 

4.  And  they  did  so.     And  the  Great  Cove 
nant  became  the  beginning  and  the  end  of  all 
things  unto  the  men  of  Unculpsalm. 

5.  And  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  waxed  great 
and  mighty  and  rich  :  and  the  earth  was  filled 
with  the  fame  of  their  power  and  their  riches ; 
and  their  ships  covered  the  sea.     And  all  na 
tions  feared  them.      But  they  were  men   of 
peace,  and  went  not  to  war  of  their  own  ac 
cord;  neither  did  they  trouble  or  oppress  the 
men  of  other  nations ;  but  sought  each  man  to 
sit  under  his  own  vine  and  his  own   fig-tree. 
And  there  were  no  poor  men  and  few  that  did 
evil  born  in  that  land :    except  thou  go  south 
ward  of  the  border  of  Masunandicsun. 

VER.  5.  There  ivere  no  poor  men  and  feiv  that  did  evil 
born  in  that  land.  This  land  of  Unculpsalm  seems  to  have 
been  a  most  singular  place.  Almost  the  whole  of  the  poverty, 
the  ignorance,  and  the  crime  to  be  found  in  it,  except  south 
of  the  border  of  Masunandicsun,  seems  to  have  come  to  it 
from  other  countries.  This  is  strange  enough ;  but  what  is 
most  extraordinary  is  that  the  people  of  that  land,  the  vir 
tue  and  the  intelligence  of  whose  fathers  had  made  it  great 
and  happy  and  powerful,  gave  to  this  foreign  element  of  its 
population,  ignorant,  criminal,  and  without  substantial  in 
terest  in  the  country,  an  equal  share  of  political  power, 
which  these  foreigners,  herding  together  in  clans  or  tribes, 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      17 

6.  And  this  was  noised  abroad  ;  and  it  came 
to  pass  that  the  poor  and  the  down-trodden,  and 
the  oppressed  of  other  lands  left  the  lands  in 
which  they  were  born,  and  went  and  dwelt  in 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  prospered  therein, 
and  no  man  molested  them.     And  they  loved 
that  land. 

7.  Wherefore,  the  kings  and  the  oppressors 
of  other  lands,  and  they  that  devoured  the  sub 
stance  of  the  people,  hated  the  men  of  Uncul 
psalm.    Yet,  although  they  were  men  of  peace, 
they  made  not  war  upon  them ;  for  they  were 
many  and  mighty.     Moreover  they  were  rich 
and  bought  merchandise  of  other  nations,  and 
sent  them  corn  and  gold. 

8.  Now  there  were  in  the   land  of  Uncul 
psalm  Ethiopians,  which  the  men  of  Uncul 
psalm  called  Niggahs.     And  their  skins  were 
black,  and  for  hair  they  had  wool,  and  their 
shins  bent  out  forward  and  their  heels  thrust 
out  backward ;  and  their  ill  savor  went  up. 

9.  Wherefore  the  forefathers  of  the  men  of 
Unculpsalm  had  made  slaves  of  the  Niggahs, 
and  bought  them  and  sold  them  like  cattle. 

10.  But  so  it  was  that  when  the  people  of 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm  made  themselves  into 
one  nation,  the  men  of  the  North  said,  We  will 

used  in  a  solid  body  under  the  direction  of  demagogues,  so 
that  they  held  the  balance  of  power  in  the  land.  So  foolish 
a  scheme  of  politics  is  not  elsewhere  recorded  in  history. 


l8      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

no  longer  buy  and  sell  the  Niggahs,  but  will 
set  them  free ;  neither  shall  more  be  brought 
from  Ethiopia  for  slaves  unto  this  land. 

11.  And  the  men  of  the  South  answered  and 
said,  We  will  buy  and  sell  our  Niggahs ;  and 
moreover  we  will  beat  them  with  stripes,  and 
they  shall  be  our  hewers  of  wood  and  drawers  of 
water  forever ;  and  when  our  Niggahs  flee  into 
your  provinces  ye  shall  give  them  to  us,  every 
man  his  Niggah ;  and  after  a  time  there  shall 
no  more  be  brought  from  Ethiopia,  as  ye  say. 
And  this  shall  be  a  part  of  the  Great  Covenant. 

12.  And  it  was  a  covenant  between  the  men 
of  the  North  and  the  men  of  the  South. 

13.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  thereafter  the 
men  of  the  South  and  the  Dimmichrats  of  the 
North   and  the  Pahdees  gave  themselves  night 
and  day  to  the  preservation  of  this  covenant 
about  the  Niggahs. 

14.  And  the  Niggahs  increased  and  multi 
plied  till  they  darkened  all  the  land  of  the 
South.    And  certain  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm 
who  dwelt  in  the  South  took  their  women  for 
concubines  and  went  in  unto  them,  and  begat 
of  them  sons  and  daughters.     And  they  bought 
and  sold  their  sons  and  daughters,  even  the  fruit 
of  their  loins ;  and  beat  them  with  stripes,  and 
made  them  hewers  of  wood  and  drawers  of  water. 

15.  For  they  said,  Are  not  these  Niggahs 
our  Niggahs?    Yea,  even  more  than  the  other 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      ip 

Niggahs?  For  the  other  Niggahs  we  bought, 
or  our  fathers,  with  money ;  but  these,  are 
they  not  flesh  of  our  flesh,  and  blood  of  our 
blood,  and  bone  of  our  bone  ;  and  shall  we  not 
do  what  we  will  with  our  own  ? 

16.  But  there   arose   men   in   the   northern 
provinces  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  and  in 
the  countries  beyond  the  great  sea,  iniquitous 
men,  saying,  Man's  blood  cannot  be  bought 
with  money ;  foolish  men,  saying,  Though  the 
Niggah's  skin  be  black  and  his  hair  woolly, 
and  his  shins  like  unto   cucumbers,   and   his 
heels  thrusting  out  backward,  and  though  he 
has   an  ill  savor  not  to  be  endured  by  those 
who  get  not  children  of  Niggah  women,  yet  is 
he  a  man ;  men  of  Belial,  which  said,  All  things 
whatsoever  ye  would  that  men  should  do  to 
you,  do  ye  even  so  to  them ;  for  this  is  the  law 
and  the  prophets. 

17.  And  the   slaves   were    for   a    reproach 
throughout  all  the  world  unto  the  men  of  the 
South,  and  even  unto  the  whole  land  of  Uncul 
psalm.     But  by  reason  of  the  Great  Covenant 
and  the  laws  of  the  provinces,  the  men  of  the 
North  had  naught  to  do  in  this  matter. 

18.  But  the   men  of  the  South  which  had 
Niggahs    (for    there    were    multitudes    which 
were  of  the  tribe  of  Meenouites,  which  had  no 
Niggahs,  and  they  were  poor  and  oppressed) 
heeded  it  not;    for  they  were  a   stiff-necked 


2O      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

generation.  And  they  said,  we  will  not  let 
our  Niggahs  go  free ;  for  they  are  even  as  our 
horses  and  our  sheep,  our  swine  and  our  oxen ; 
and  we  will  beat  them,  and  slay  them,  and  sell 
them,  and  beget  children  of  them,  and  no  man 
shall  gainsay  us.  We  stand  by  the  Great 
Covenant. 

19.  Moreover  we  are  Tshivulree. 

20.  Now  to  be  of  the  Tshivulree  was  the 
chief  boast  among  the  men  of  the  South,  be 
cause  it  had  been  a  great  name  upon  the  earth. 
For  of  olden  time  he  who  was  of  the  Tshivul 
ree  was  bound  by  an  oath  to  defend  the  weak 
and  succor  the  oppressed,  yea,  even  though  he 
gave  his  life  for  them.     But  among  the  men  of 
the  South  he  only  was  of  the  Tshivulree  who  ate 
his  bread  in  the  sweat  of  another's  face,  who 
robbed  the  laborer  of  his  hire,  who  oppressed 
the  weak,  and  set  his  foot  upon  the  neck  of  the 
lowly,  and  who  sold  from  the  mother  the  fruit 
of  her  womb  and  the  nursling  of  her  bosom. 
Wherefore  the  name  of  Tshivulree  stank  in  the 
nostrils  of  all  nations. 

VER.  20.  This  is  another  of  the  many  passages  that  refute 
the  notion  as  to  the  modern  origin  of  this  book.  Indeed,  it 
increases  the  obscurity  that  involves  that  subject.  For 
where,  even  in  ancient  times,  and  among  pagan  people,  do 
we  read  of  such  cruelty  as  the  selling  of  the  child  away 
from  the  mother  ?  As  to  the  prevalence  of  such  a  practice 
in  this  Christian  land  and  among  this  enlightened  people, 
it  is  not  to  be  thought  of,  and  indeed  it  has  always  been 
denied. 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  21 


21.  For  they  were  in  the  darkness  of  a  false 
dispensation,  and  had  not  yet  learned  the  mys 
tery  of  the  new  gospel  of  peace. 

22.  And  when  the  Tshivulree  found  within 
their  borders  those  men  of  the  North,  iniquitous 
men  which  said  that  man's  blood  cannot  be 
bought,  and  men  of  Belial  which  said,  Do  ye 
unto  all  men  as  ye  would  have  all  men  do  unto 
you,  they  seized  upon  them  and  beat  them  with 
many  stripes,  and'hanged  them  upon  trees,  and 
roasted  them  with  fire,  and  poured  hot  pitch 
upon  them,  and  rode  them  upon  sharp  beams, 
very  grievous  to  bestride,  and  persecuted  them 
even   as   it  was  fitting  such  pestilent  fellows 
should  be  persecuted. 

23.  And   they   said    unto   the   men   of  the 
North,  cease  ye  now  to  send  among  us  these 
men  of  Belial  preaching  iniquity,  cease  also  to 
listen  unto  them  yourselves,   and  respect  the 
Great  Covenant,  or  we  will  destroy  this  nation. 

24.  Then   the    men   of  Unculpsalm   which 
called  themselves  Dimmichrats,  and  the  Pah- 
dees,  seeing  that  the  Tshivulree  of  the  South  had 
only  one  thought,  and  that  was  for  the  Niggah, 
said,  We  will  join  ourselves  unto  the  Tshivulree, 
and  we  will  have  but  one  thought  with  them, 
even  the  Niggah  ;  and  we  shall  rule  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm,  and  we  shall  divide  the  spoil. 

25.  And   they  joined   themselves   unto   the 
Tshivulree  ;  and  the  Tshivulree  of  the  South, 


22  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OE,  PEACE. 

and  the  men  of  the  North,  which  called  them 
selves  Dimmichrats,  and  the  Pahdees  ruled  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  for  many  years ;  and  they 
divided   the   spoil.      And  they   had  but   one 
thought,  even  for  the  Niggah. 

26.  Wherefore  he  was  called  the  everlasting 
Niggah. 

27.  Now,   about   these  days   came   Philip, 
from  the  New  Athens,  a  priest  of  Beelzebub, 
and  he  taught  in  the  Tabernacle  at  Gotham. 

28.  And  Philip  had  many  words,  but  only 
one  thought ;  and  that,  like  the  thought  of  the 
men  of  the  South,  was  for  the  Niggah.     But 
he  respected  not  the  Great  Covenant.     And  he 
said  unto  the  people,  ye  ought  to  set  the  Nig 
gah  free. 

29.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  when  he  was 
teaching  in  the  Tabernacle,  one  Isaiah  entered 
(not  the  prophet,  but  he  who  was  captain  of  a 
band  of  the  Hammerites) ,  and  protested  unto 

VER.  28.  Philip  had  many  ivords^  but  only  one  thought. 
His  name  is  written  Phillips  in  the  original.  There  may  be 
a  slight  corruption  of  the  text ;  or  possibly  there  were  two 
of  the  name ;  or  the  writer  may  have  meant  to  convey  the 
thought  that  Philip's  devotion  to  one  thought  caused  him 
to  take  sometimes  one  and  sometimes  another  position 
upon  all  other  subjects,  and  so  to  be  in  fact  two  men ;  one 
or  another  according  to  circumstances. 

VER.  29.  One  Isaiah.  This  Isaiah  seems  to  have  been 
A  man  of  great  sanctity  and  wisdom ;  else  why  should  St. 
Benjamin  deem  it  necessary  to  explain  that  he  was  not  the 
prophet?  Isaiah's  probable  possession  of  these  traits  of 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      23 

him  that  he  should  no  more  teach  such  pesti 
lent  doctrine.  And  having  his  band  of  Ham- 
merites  with  him,  he  knocked  Philip  down, 
and  thrust  him  from  the  pulpit  wherein  he  was 
speaking,  and  drave  him  out  of  the  Tabernacle. 

30.  Now  this  was  the  first  ministration  of  the 
new  gospel  of  peace.     But  as  yet  it  was  not 
preached ;  for  it  had  no  apostle. 

31.  But  in  process  of  time  the  ministers  of 
Belial  turned  the  hearts  of  many  men,  even  of 
them  which  called  themselves  Dimmichrats,  to 
iniquity ;   and  they  all  began  to  say  that  the 
strength  of  the  great   nation   of  Unculpsalm 
should  not  be  used  to  oppress  the  Niggah ;  de 
claring,  in  the  wickedness  of  their  imaginations 
and  the  hardness  of  their  hearts,  that  whatso 
ever   the   people   of  Unculpsalm   would   that 
others  should  do  to  them,  even  so  they  should 
do  to  others,  even  unto  Niggahs. 

32.  But  they  had   respect  unto   the  Great 
Covenant,  and  sought  not  to  set  the  Niggahs 
free ;  and  they  returned  unto  the  men  of  the 
South  the  Niggahs  that  fled  from  their  prov 
inces,  according  to  the  Great  Covenant. 

33.  Moreover  the  men  of  the  North  made 
soft  answers  unto  the  men  of  the  South,  and 

character,  joined,  it  is  true,  to  identity  of  name,  are  the 
only  support  for  the  fancy  that  there  is  some  likeness  be 
tween  this  personage  and  Mr.  Rynders,  the  leader  of  that 
band  of  worthies,  the  Empire  Club. 


24      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

strove  to  turn  away  their  wrath,  and  to  live 
with  them  as  brethren.  For  though  they 
feared  them  not,  neither  hated  them,  they  did 
fear  that  they  would  destroy  the  nation. 

34.  And  the  Tshivulree  of  the   South  saw 
that  the  men  of  the  North  feared  their  threats ; 
and  they  waxed  bolder  and  said,  We  will  not 
only  keep  our  Niggahs  in  our  own  provinces, 
but  we  will  take  them  into  all  the  country  of 
Unculpsalm,    which   is   not   yet   divided   into 
provinces.      And  they  went   roaring  up   and 
down  the  land. 

35.  But  in  process  of  time  it  came  to  pass 
that  the   spirit   of  their   forefathers   appeared 
among  the  men  of  the  North,  even  the  great 
spirit  Bak  Bohn ;  and  he  stiffened  up  the  peo 
ple  mightily. 

36.  So  that  they  said  unto  the  men  of  the 
South,   Hear  us,   our  brethren !      We  would 
live  with  you  in  peace,  and  love  you,  and  re 
spect  the  Great  Covenant.     And  the  Niggahs 
in  your  provinces  ye  shall  keep,  and  slay,  and 
sell,  they  and  the  children  which  ye  begat  of 
them,  into   slavery,  for   bondmen   and   bond 
women  forever.     Yours  be  the  sin  before  the 
Lord,  not  ours ;  for  it  is  your  doing,  and  we 
are  not  answerable  for  it.     And  your  Niggahs 
that  flee  from  your  provinces  they  shall  be  re 
turned  unto  you,  according  to  the  Great  Cove 
nant.      Only  take  care  lest  peradventure  ye 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  25 

make  captives  the  Niggahs  of  our  provinces 
which  we  have  made  free  men.  Ye  shall  in 
no  wise  take  a  Niggah  of  them. 

37.  Thus  shall  it  be  with  your  Niggahs  and 
in  your  provinces,  and  yours  shall  be  the  blame 
forever.     But  out  of  your  provinces,  into  the 
common   land   of   Unculpsalm,    ye    shall   not 
carry    your    Niggahs    except    they   be    made 
thereby  free.     For  that  land  is  common,  and 
your  laws  and  the  statutes  of  your  provinces, 
by  which  alone  ye  make  bondmen,  run  not  in 
that  land.    And  for  all  that  is  done  in  that  land 
we  must  bear  the  blame  with  you.     For  that 
land  is  common ;    and  we  share  whatever  is 
done  therein  ;  and  the  power  of  this  nation  and 
the  might  of  its  banner  shall  no  longer  be  used 
to  oppress  the  lowly  and  to  fasten  the  chain 
upon  the  captive.     Keep  ye  then  your  bond 
men  within  your  own  provinces. 

38.  Then  the  Tshivulree  of  the  South  waxed 
wroth,  and  foamed  in  their  anger,  and  the  air 
of  the  land  was  filled  with  their  cursings  and 
their  revilings.     And  certain  of  them  which 
were  men  of  blood,  and  which  were  possessed 
of  devils,  and  had  difficulties,  and  slew  each 

VER.  38.  The  word  here  translated  difficulties  had  a  pe 
culiar  signification  among  this  strange  people.  It  means  a 
certain  sort  of  human  sacrifice  or  blood-shedding,  some 
times  accompanied  with  death,  sometimes  only  with  maim 
ing.  There  was  a  prelude  to  it,  of  a  purely  verbal  nature, 
the  name  of  which  must  needs  be  translated  misunder- 
3 


26  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

other  with  knives  and  shooting  irons,  did  noth 
ing  all  their  time  but  rave  through  the  land 
about  the  Niggah. 

39.  Now   these   men  were  the   forerunners 
of  him  that  preached  the  new  gospel  of  peace, 
and  prepared  the  way  before  him.     Wherefore 
they  were  called  Phiretahs. 

40.  And  it  came  to   pass  that  one   of  the 
Phiretahs,  whose  name  was  Prestenbruux,  was 
wroth  with  Charles,  who  was  surnamed  the 
Summoner,   who  was  one  of  the   chief  law 
givers  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  also  one 
of  the  men  of  Belial,  who  taught  iniquity,  say 
ing,  Whatsoever  ye  would  that  men  should  do 

standing.  Sometimes  a  misunderstanding  was  brought  to  a 
close  bj  a  libation  —  in  the  Phiretah  dialect  a  likkerinnup, 
or,  according  to  some  authors,  a  Itkkerinrownd;  —  the  drink- 
offering  being  poured  down  the  throats  of  the  assembly  with 
expressions  of  mutual  respect  in  honor  of  the  event;  but  if 
not,  it  proceeded  to  its  second  stage,  which  was  called  diffi 
culty.  In  this  each  party  to  the  previous  misunderstanding 
sought  to  sacrifice  the  other,  to  appease  some  imaginary 
deity  who  was  believed  to  delight  in  human  sacrifices. 
The  sacrifice  was  sometimes  performed  with  the  knife, 
sometimes  with  the  shooting-iron.  Strange  to  say,  each 
party  sought  to  honor  this  imaginary  deity,  to  whose  ser 
vice  he  professed  to  be  devoted,  by  being  the  sacrificer 
rather  than  the  sacrificed.  Unless,  therefore,  one  party  or 
the  other  attained  this  purpose  by  concealing  his  shooting- 
iron  beneath  his  raiment,  and  shooting  through  it  with  en 
tire  indifference  to  the  cost  of  his  apparel  (in  the  original, 
dhamthex  pentz)  a  struggle  ensued  which  had  not  the  pe 
culiar  decorum  and  solemnity  becoming  a  religious  cere 
mony.  It  is  particularly  worthy  of  notice  that  the  diffi- 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      27 

to  you  do  ye  even  so  to  them,  even  unto  Nig- 
gahs. 

41.  For  Charles  the  Summoner  had  declared 
that  it  was  not  lawful  for  the  men  of  the  South 
to  take  their  Niggahs  out  of  their  own  prov 
inces.     And  thus  it  was  that  Prestenbruux  was 
offended  in  him. 

42.  Wherefore  Prestenbruux  took  unto  him 
self  other  Phiretahs,  and  he  sought  Charles  the 
Summoner,  and  found  him  alone  at  a  table, 
writing  in  the  great  hall  of  Unculpsalm.     And 
he  came  upon  him  unawares,  and  he  smote 
him  and  beat  him  to  the  ground,  so  that  he 
was  nigh  unto  death. 

43.  And  this  was  the  second  ministration  of 
the  new  gospel  of  peace.     But  even  now  it  was 
not  preached,  for  it  had  yet  no  apostle. 

44.  And  after  these  things,   James,  whose 
surname   being   interpreted   meaneth   Facing- 
both-ways,  ruled  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

cultj  and  the  likkerinnup  were  peculiar  to  the  Phiretahs, 
and  were  unknown  to  the  langkies,  and  throughout  the 
region  north  of  the  border  of  Masunandicsun,  except 
among  the  Pahdees,  who  were  strangers  within  the  gates 
of  Gotham. 


28  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

K.  The  choice  of  Abraham  the  Honest.  10.  The  Phiretahs 
rebel  against  him.  14.  Compromise.  17.  The  Phi 
retahs  will  have  no  more  Compromise.  18.  Ken  Edee 
and  Robert  of  Jahrji.  23.  Phernandiivud  comfiro- 
miseth  unto  Robert.  24.  The  men  of  the  North  wax 
wroth. 


NOW   the   time   drew   nigh   when    James 
should  cease  to  rule  in  the  land  of  Un- 
culpsalm. 

2.  And  the  men  of  the  North,  save  the  Dim- 
michrats,    among   whom    were   the   Pahdees, 
strove  to  have  Abraham,  who  was  surnamed 
the  honest,  made  ruler  in  the  place  of  James 
Facing-both-way  s . 

3.  But  the  Phiretahs  of  the  South  said,  Let 
us  choose,  and  let  the  voices  be  numbered,  and 
if  our  man  be  chosen,  it  is  well,  but  if  Abra 
ham,  we  will  destroy  the  nation. 

4.  But  the  men  of  the  North  believed  them 
not,  because  of  the  Great  Covenant,  and  be 
cause  they  trusted  them  to  be  of  good  faith  in 
this  matter.     For  among  the  men  of  the  North, 
even  those  who  lived  by  casting  lots  for  gold 
stood  by  the  lot  when  it  was  cast.     And  the 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  29 

men  of  the  North  believed  not  that  men  of 
their  own  blood,  whose  sons  were  married  unto 
their  daughters,  and  whose  daughters  unto  their 
sons,  would  faithlessly  do  this  thing  which  they 
threatened. 

5 .  But  the  men  of  the  North  knew  not  how 
the  Niggah  had  driven  out  all  other  thoughts 
from  the  hearts  of  the  men  of  the  South,  even 
so  that  they  would  violate  the  Great  Covenant, 
and  set  at  naught  the  election  according  there 
unto  if  it  went  against  them. 

6.  And  there  were  throughout  the  provinces 
of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  at  the  North  great 
multitudes,   Dimmichrats,   of  whom  were  the 
Pahdees,  who  were  friends  of  the  Phiretahs  of 
the  South,  and  wished  them  well,  and  labored 
with  them ;  for  they  said,  It  is  because  that  we 
are  allied  to  the  men  of  the  South,  and  by  rea 
son  of  the  everlasting  Niggah,  that  we  rule  the 
land. 

7.  But  they  deceived  themselves  ;  for  it  was 
the  Phiretahs  which  ruled  the  land,  using  the 

VER.  7.  The  Phiretahs  used  the  Dimmichrats  and  brought 
these  their  creatures  and  servants  to  think,  as  they  them 
selves  did,  only  of  the  everlasting  Niggah.  It  becomes  us  to 
take  warning  from  this  example.  To  have  only  one  thought 
tends  to  edification  in  regard  to  that  thought  only,  but  to 
destruction  in  regard  to  all  other  interests.  The  Phiretahs 
were  ready  to  sacrifice  their  country  to  one  thought,  and 
they  went  to  destruction ;  the  Dimmichrats  were  ready  to 
sacrifice  their  own  self-respect  and  the  honor  of  their  country 


3O       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

Dimmichrats,  and  by  the  one  thought  of  the 
everlasting  Niggah. 

8.  Yet  it  came  to  pass  that  when  the  voices 
of  the  people  were  numbered,  according  to  the 
Great  Covenant,  Abraham  was  chosen. 

9.  Then  the  Phiretahs  of  the  South  began 
to  do  as  they  had  threatened ;   and  they  gath 
ered  together  in  their  provinces,  and  said,  Our 
provinces  shall  no  longer  be  a  part  of  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm,  for  we  will  not  have  this  man 
Abraham  to  rule  over  us. 

10.  Yet  were   there  men   of  the   South,   a 
great  multitude,  among  whom  was  Stephen,  of 
Jahrji,  who  said,  Not  so  :   Why  will  ye  do  this 
great  wickedness  and  destroy  the  nation  ?    It  is 
right  for  us  to  respect  the  Great  Covenant.     If 
the  man  who  had  our  voices  had  been  chosen, 
the  men  of  the   North  would   have   received 
him,  and  obeyed  him  as  the  chief  ruler  in  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm ;  and  it  is  meet  and  right 
that  we  should  do  likewise,  even  according  to 
the  Great  Covenant.     Moreover,  we  have  suf 
fered  no  wrong  at  the  hands  of  the  new  rulers  ; 


to  one  purpose,  the  determination  to  rule,  and  they  also  were 
destroyed.  This  history  breaks  off  leaving  the  party  that 
destroyed  the  Phiretahs  and  the  Dimmichrats  in  possession 
of  the  government,  —  a  great  loss  to  posterity.  It  would 
have  been  interesting  and  instructive  to  learn  whether  this 
party  took  warning  from  the  fate  of  its  predecessors,  or 
gave  itself  also  up  to  one  idea,  and  was  destroyed  in  turn. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  31 

and  the  old  were  men  of  our  own  choosing. 
Will  ye  make  this  land  like  unto  Mecsicho  ? 

11.  But   the  Phiretahs  would   not  hearken 
unto  these  men,  and  went  on  their  way,  and 
beat  some  of  them,  and  hanged  others,   and 
threatened  noisily,   and   gathering  unto  them 
all  the  people  of  the  baser  sort,  and  inflaming 
them  with  hate  and  strong  drink,  they  set  up 
a  rule    of  terror   throughout   their  provinces. 
For  the  Phiretahs  were  men  of  blood.     So  the 
Phiretahs  prevailed  over  the  men  who  would 
have  respected  the  Great  Covenant. 

12.  And  the  men  of  the  North,  both  they 
who  had  given  their  voices  for  Abraham  and 
they  who  had  given  their  voices  with  the  men 
of  the  South  against  him,  were  amazed  and 
stood  astounded.     And  they  said  among  them 
selves,   This  is  vain    boasting    and  vaunting, 
such  as  we  have  seen  aforetime,  done  for  the 
sake  of  more  compromise. 

13.  (Now  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  when 
a  man  humbled  himself  before  another  which 
threatened  him,  he  was  said  to  compromise.) 

14.  And  the  Dimmichrats,  save  those  who 
had  hearkened   unto   the  ministers  of  Belial, 
said,  Let  us  compromise  ourselves  again  unto 
our  Southern  brethren,  and  it  shall  be  well  with 
us. 

15.  For  they  said  among  themselves,  If  the 
men  of  the  South  go,  they  and  their  provinces, 


32       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

thei  e  will  be  no  more  everlasting  Niggah ;  and 
we  shall  cease  to  rule  the  land.  And  if  they 
go  not,  behold,  then  they  will  remember  that 
we  have  compromised  unto  them,  and  they  will 
again  be  gracious  unto  their  servants,  and  will 
admit  us  unto  a  share  in  the  government,  and 
we  shall  rule  the  land  as  aforetime. 

16.  But   the   Phiretahs  were  wise   in  their 
generation,  and  they  saw  that  the  Dimmichrats 
.were  of  no  more  use  unto  them,  and  that  be 
cause  the  men  of  Belial  had  prevailed  against 
the  Dimmichrats,  their  power  was  gone  in  their 
provinces ;  and  so,  as  they  could  no  more  use 
the    Dimmichrats,    they   would    not    listen   to 
them,   and  spurned   their  compromising,   and 
spat  upon  it,  and  went  on  to  destroy  the  nation, 
and  prepared  to  make  war  against  Abraham  if 
he  should  begin  to  rule  over  them. 

17.  Now  in  those  days  there  was  a  man  in 
Gotham  named  Ken  Edee,  who  was  chief  cap 
tain  of  the  watchmen  of  the  city  and  the  region 
round  about ;  and  in  Jahrji  was  a  man  named 
Robert,  who  dwelt  among  the  tombs,  and  who 
was  possessed  of  an   evil  spirit  whose  name 
was  Blustah.     And  Robert  was  a  Phiretah. 

18.  And   Ken   Edee,  chief   captain  of  the 
watch   in    Gotham,    found    arms    going   from 
Gotham   to   the   Phiretahs   in  Jahrji,   and   he 
seized  them.     For  he  said,  Lest  they  be  used 
to  destroy  the  nation,  and  against  the  Great 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      33 

Covenant,  which  is  the  supreme  law  in  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm,  to  which  first  belongeth 
my  obedience. 

19.  Then   Robert,    who   dwelt    among   the 
tombs,  being  seized  upon  by  his  demon  Blus- 
tah,  sent  a  threatening  message  unto  Phernan- 
diwud. 

20.  (For   at  this   time   Phernandiwud  was 
chief  ruler  in  the  city  of  Gotham.) 

21.  Saying,  Wherefore  keep  ye  the  arms,  of 
the  Phiretahs?     Give   them   unto  us  that  we 
may  make  war  against  you,  or  it  shall  be  the 
worse  for  you. 

22.  Then  Phernandiwud,  because  he  hated 
the  chief  of  the  watchmen  of   Gotham,   and 
because  he  hoped  for  the  good  success  of  the 
Phiretahs,  compromised  himself  unto  Robert, 
and  crawled  on  his   belly  before   him  in  the 
dust,   and  said,  Is  thy  servant  a  man  that  he 
should  do  this  thing?     Thy  servant  kept  no 
arms,  neither  would  he  do  so.     Let  them  who 
have  the  evil  spirit  Bak  Bohn  do  thus  unto  my 
lords  the  Phiretahs.     Behold,  thy  servant  is  no 
man,  but  a  Phlunkee. 

23.  (Now  the   Phlunkees   were   men   who 
had  never  had  the  spirit  Bak  Bohn,  or  who 
had  had  it  cast  out   of  them,  because  when 
they  would   have    prostrated   themselves    and 
humbled  themselves  in  the   dust  and  compro 
mised  to  their  profit,  the  spirit  rent  them  sore. 


34       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

So  they  had  each  of  them  his  Bak  Bohn  cast 
out  of  him.) 

24.  And  the  Phiretahs  went  on  their  way 
without  hindrance.     For  James,  by  facing  both 
ways,  faced  neither ;  and  by  both  the  men  of 
the  South  and  the  men  of  the  North  he  was 
not  regarded.     And  the  nation  spued  him  out 
of  its  mouth. 

25.  And  Abraham  ruled  the  land.     But  the 
Phiretahs  withstood  him,  and  made  war  upon 
him,  and  drove  his  captains  out  of  the  strong 
holds  which  were  in  their  provinces,  and  hum 
bled  the  banner  of  Unculpsalm. 

26.  Then  all   the  men   of  the  North,  even 
the  Dimmichrats,  of  whom  were  the  Pahdees, 
were  exceeding  wroth ;  and  they  rose  up  against 
the   Phiretahs    of    the    South,    and    marched 
against  them  to  drive  them  out  of  the  strong 
places  which   they  had   seized,    and  to  plant 
thereon  again  the  banner  of  Unculpsalm. 

27.  For  they  all  had  exceeding  reverence 
for  the  Great  Covenant,  and  they  were  filled 
with  pride  of  their  nation,  and  of  the  might, 
and  the  wealth,  and  the  vastness  thereof,  and 
chiefly  that  their  people  were  more  free  than 
any  other  people,  and  that  the  tillers  of  the  soil 
and  the  wayfaring  men  of  that  land  could  read 
and  understand,  and  that  there  each  man  sat 
under  his  own  vine  and  under  his  own  fig  tree 
with  none  to  molest  him  or  make  him  afraid. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  35 

And  they  worshipped  the  banner  of  Uncul- 
psalm,  and  its  folds  were  unto  them  as  the 
wings  of  a  ministering  angel. 

28.  Moreover,   the    Dimmichrats*  said,  We 
have    striven   for   our   brethren   of  the  South 
against  the  men  of  Belial,  who  teach  that  it  is 
wrong  to  oppress  the  Niggah  by  the  power  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  now  they  can  no  longer  use  us 
they  cast  us  ofT.     Behold,  we  will  fight  against 
them,  lest,  also,  they  make  good  their  threats, 
and  sever  their  provinces  from  our  provinces, 
and  there  be  no  more  everlasting  Niggah,  and 
our  occupation  be  departed  forever. 

29.  And  thus  it  came  to  pass  that  there  was 
war  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 


36      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


CHAPTER  V. 

I.  The  Men  of  Gotham  assemble,  2.  Having  each  a  Bak 
Bohn.  3.  And  Phernanditvud  getteth  a  Bak  Bohn. 
5.  And  speaketh  to  the  People.  8.  Benjamin  the  Scribe 
goeth  not  to  the  Assembly,  but  remaineth  at  home, 
mourning.  13.  His  policy  and  his  prosperity.  18.  The 
War  continueth  for  tivo  years.  19.  And  tvhy.  26.  The 
Rulers  of  Jonbool  help  the  Phiretahs. 


NOW,  when  the  news  came  that  the  Phi 
retahs  of  the  South  with  five  thousand 
men,  even  a  great  multitude,  had  driven  one  of 
the  captains  of  Unculpsalm  with  a  band  of 
ninety  out  of  his  stronghold,  and  when  a  proc 
lamation  of  Abraham  was  spread  abroad,  call 
ing  on  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  for  the  defence 
of  their  nation,  and  the  retaking  of  its  strong 
holds,  and  the  setting  up  of  its  banner  which 
had  been  cast  down,  the  men  of  Gotham 
gathered  themselves  together  in  an  open  place 
before  the  world.  And  Phernandiwud  came 
also  among  them. 

2.  And  each  man  that  day  out  of  whom  had 
been  cast  the  spirit  Bak  Bohn,  took  to  himself 
another  worse  than  the  first.  And  it  seemed 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      37 

that  day  that  in  all  Gotham  there  was  not  one 
Phlunkee. 

3.  And  Phernandiwud  saw  this.     So  he  also 
straightway  took  to  himself  a  Bak  Bohn. 

4.  For  he  said,  Lest  they  also  declare  that  I 
shall  no  longer  be  chief  ruler  of  the  city. 

5.  And  many  men  of  Gotham  spake  unto 
the  people.     Phernandiwud  also  lifted  up  his 
voice  and  said,  Hear,  O  men  of  Unculpsalm  ! 
give  ear,  O  men  of  Gotham !     The  rulers  of 
this  land  of  Unculpsalm  chosen  according  to 
the  Great  Covenant  have  been  defied.     The 
Great  Covenant  itself  hath  been  set  at  naught. 
The   banner   of  Unculpsalm   hath   been   cast 
down.     The  men  of  the  South  begin  to  make 
good  their  threatening  that  they  would  destroy 
this  nation. 

6.  But  I  say  unto  you,  in  the  words  of  the 
great  ruler  Jah  Xunn,  This  nation  must  and  shall 
be  preserved,  peaceably  if  we  can,  forcibly  if 
we  must.     And  let  us  have  a  strong  rule  and  a 
government  before  which  all  men  shall  bow, 
that  we  may  do  this  thing  as  becometh  a  great 

VER.  3.  Took  to  himself  a  Bak  Bohn.  The  scholiast  sug 
gests  that  this  passage  is  corrupt,  and  that  we  should  read 
fiskambak  bohn.  Who  this  scholiast  is  I  do  not  know,  al 
though  like  other  commentators  I  designate  him  by  the 
definite  article.  From  the  number  of  manuscripts  of  dif 
ferent  ages  upon  which  his  annotations  are  said  to  exist  he 
must  have  been  a  very  industrious  and  a  very  long-lived 
person.  See  note  A  at  the  end  of  this  book, 
4 


38  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

nation.  For  I  have  said  always  aforetime,  as 
ye  can  bear  me  witness,  Let  us  strengthen  the 
hands  of  the  chief  rulers,  being  myself  chief 
ruler  of  this  city.  Hear  therefore  my  pledge 
unto  you  this  day:  I  throw  myself  wholly  into 
this  strife,  with  all  my  power  and  with  all  my 
might. 

7.  Now   there   were    men   who   noted   that 
Phernandiwud   pledged   himself  with    all   his 
power  and  with  all  his  might,  but  not  with  all 
his  soul.     And  they  said,  It  is  because  he  hath 
sold  his  soul  unto  the  mighty  spirit  Sathanas, 
that  he  should  help  him.     And  others  said, 
Not  so ;  for  he  had  no  soul  to  sell.     But  these 
were  scoffers  and  men  of  Belial. 

8.  But  Benjamin,  the  brother  of  Phernandi 
wud,  even  Benjamin  the  scribe,  came  not  into 

VER.  8.  Benjamin,  the  brother  of  Phernandiwud,  emulat 
ing  the  meekness  of  Moses,  the  modesty  of  Xenophon,  and 
the  simple  directness  of  Caesar,  keeps  himself  in  the  back 
ground  of  his  narrative,  although  it  is  plain  that  he  took 
an  active  interest  in  the  events  which  he  describes.  But 
when  it  is  necessary  for  him  to  speak  of  himself  he  does  it 
without  hesitation  or  reserve.  He  probably  remembered 
the  "THv  de  TIC  kv  rfj  OTpanp  gevotyuv  'AOrjvaioc,"  of  the  Ana 
basis  and  the  lofty  superiority  to  fame  with  which  Cassar 
is  spoken  of  in  the  commentaries.  (For  St.  Benjamin  pro 
bably  did  not  live  more  than  eighteen  centuries  ago).  In 
the  above  passage  he  shows  clearly  to  which  faction  he  be 
longed  :  it  was  to  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmi- 
chrats  —  the  men  who  lived  in  constant  dread  lest  the 
everlasting  Niggah  should  cease  to  exist  in  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm.  He  seems  to  have  been  sullen  and  obstinate} 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  39 

the  congregation  of  the  people,  but  remained 
at  home  in  his  house,  exceeding  wroth  and  very 
sorrowful.  For  he  said,  Behold  this  people  is 
given  over  to  the  spirit  Bak  Bohn,  and  into  the 
hands  of  the  men  of  Belial,  who  teach  that  the 
power  of  Unculpsalm,  and  the  might  of  the 
banner  of  Unculpsalm,  may  not  be  used  to 
oppress  the  Niggah.  And  this  people  will  no 
more  compromise  itself  before  the  men  of  the 
South ;  and  there  will  be  no  more  Phlunkees, 
and  the  everlasting  Niggah  shall  cease  from 
off  the  land.  And  he  wept  him  sore ;  and 
cried  out  aloud,  The  sceptre  hath  departed  from 
the  Dimmichrats,  and  the  glory  from  the  tents 
of  Tahmunee  ! 

9.  And  he  wrote  against  the  people  of  the 
North  ;  and  sought  to  exorcise  the  mighty  spirit 
Bak  Bohn,  and  to  cast  it  out  of  them.     But  he 
could  not. 

10.  Now  Benjamin  the  scribe  was  also  a  just 
man,  and   a  righteous,  and  walked  uprightly 
before  the  law. 

11.  For  the  law  said,  Thou  shalt  not  live  by 
casting  lots  for  gold.     For  he  who  liveth  by 
casting  lots  for  gold  deceiveth  the  foolish  man 

but  his  high  respect  for  law  and  his  rigid  abstinence  from 
any  act  which  would  send  him  to  prison  must  command 
our  admiration ;  and  it  was  probably  on  account  of  this 
fine  trait  of  character  that  by  the  voice  of  the  Pahdees  he 
was  made  a  lawgiver  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 


40  THE    NEW   GOSPEL   OF    PEACE. 

to  his  hurt,  and  defraudeth  the  widow  and  the 
fatherless.  It  is  an  abomination.  And  he 
that  liveth  by  casting  lots  for  gold  shall  be 
guilty  and  shall  be  cast  into  prison. 

12.  Wherefore  Benjamin,  being  a  just  man 
and  a  righteous,  said,  I  will  not  live  by  casting 
lots  for  gold.     Far  be  it  from  me  to  do  this 
thing  which  is  unlawful,  and  which  will  get  me 
into  prison.     But  I  will  sell  policies ;  and  this 
shall  be  the  craft  by  which  I  will  live. 

13.  For  what  saith  the  prophet  Daniel  (not 
Sickles)?  "  And  through  his  policy  also  shall 
he  cause  craft  to  prosper  in  his  hand ;  and  he 
shall  magnify  himself  in  his  heart." 

14.  For  Benjamin  also  searched  the  Scrip 
ture,  saying  :  Peradventure  I  may  find  therein 
something  to  my  advantage. 

15.  Wherefore  Benjamin  the  scribe,  through 
his  policies,  caused  craft  to  prosper  in  his  hand, 
and  magnified  himself  in  his  heart. 

16.  And  he  said  within  himself,  I  will  be  a 
lawgiver  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  even  for 
the  men  of  Gotham.     Wherefore,  he  also  made 
unto  himself  friends  among  the  Pahdees ;  and 
he  became  a  lawgiver  in  the  land. 

17.  But  the  men  of  Gotham  cast  out  Pher- 
nandiwud  from  his  office  of  chief  ruler  of  the 
city;   because  they  remembered  that  he  had 
compromised  upon  his   belly  to    Robert  who 
dwelt   among  the  tombs,   and   had  eaten  dirt 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.       4! 

before  him.  Also  that  he  had  said,  let  us  take 
our  city  out  of  the  nation*  So  they  put  no  trust 
in  him. 

1 8.  Now  so  it  was  that  after  the  space  of 
nearly  two  years  the  war  which  was  in  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  came  not  to  an  end. 

19.  For  the  men  of  the  North  and  the  men 
of  the  South  were  of  one  blood ;  and  both  were 
valiant.     And  the  men  of  the  North  were  more 
in  number  than  the  men  of  the  South.     But  the 
men  of  the  South  multiplied  themselves  because 
of  their  Niggahs.     For  their  Niggahs  went  not 
to  war,  but  stayed  at  home  to  till  the   soil. 
Moreover  they  were  fighting  upon  their  own 
ground ;  and  much  of  their  land  was  mire  and 
marshes,  desert  land  and  wilderness,  through 
which   the   armies   of  Unculpsalm   wandered 
vainly,  and  where  they  stuck  fast.     And  the 
men  of  the  South  cast  up  mounds  upon  their 
roads,  and  before  their  cities,  and  made  strong 
their  high  places  with  towers.     And  their  land 
was  filled  with  strong  places,  and  with  men  of 
war  and  engines  of  war,  such  as  the  men  of 
the  North  looked  not  to  see  in  that  land. 

20.  For  the  men  of  the  South  were  astonished 
when  the  men  of  the  North  marched  against 
them ;  because  the  men  of  the  North  had  so 
often  compromised  themselves  unto  them,  that 
they  thought  they  were  all  Phlunkees,  and  that 
the  spirit  Bak  Bohn  had  been  utterly  cast  out 

4* 


42  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

of  them.     And  without  that  spirit  men  cannot 
fight. 

21.  Wherefore,  the  men  of  the  South  which 
had   Niggahs,   even  the   Tshivulree   and  the 
Phiretahs,  seeing  that  their  case  was  desperate, 
forced  all  the  men  of  their  country  into  their 
armies,  and  took  the  men  which  had  respect 
unto  the  government  of  Unculpsalm,  according 
to  the  Great  Covenant,  and  loved  the  banner 
of  Unculpsalm  and  would  not  fight  against  it, 
and  they  cast  them  into  pits  and  into  dungeons, 
and  scourged  them,   and  hanged  them  upon 
trees,  after  their  manner.     And  being  men  of 
blood,  and  seeing  that  their  case  was  desper 
ate,  they  made  it  a  terror  to  live  in  their  coun 
try  except  unto  them  that  professed  to  desire 
that    the     nation     might    be    destroyed.      So 
all  men  either  professed  to  desire  it,  or  held 
their  peace. 

22.  But  in  the  land  of  the  men  of  the  North 
no  man  was  molested.     And  men  of  the  South 
dwelt  there,  and  were  spies  and  helpers  unto 
their  brethren.     And  men  of  the  North,  men 
of  peace,  which  also  were  Phlunkees,  helped 
their   masters   the   Tshivulree    and   the     Phi 
retahs. 

23.  And  the  men  of  the  South  had  among 
them  great  captains ;  men  of  might  and  wis 
dom  in  battle.      And  they  chose  to  be  ruler 
over  them  Jeph,  surnamed  the  Repudiator. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  43 

24.  (Now  among  the  men  of  Unculpsalm, 
when  a  man  would  neither  pay  the  debt  that 
he  owed,  nor  acknowledge  it  and  ask  it  to  be 
forgiven  him,  he  was  called  a  repudiator.) 

25 .  And  Jeph  had  been  captain  over  a  thou 
sand  in  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  when  they 
went  into  Mecsicho,  and  had  also  been  one  of 
the  great  Council :   and  he  was  a  bold  man, 
and  a  crafty,  one  who  knew  neither  fear  nor 
scruple. 

26.  Moreover,  the  men  of  the  South  were 
helped  mightily  from  beyond  the  sea,  even  by 
the  men  of  the  kingdom  of  Jonbool,  from  which 
their  land  was  wrested  by  the  forefathers  of  the 
men  of  Unculpsalm. 

27.  Yet  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  would  have 
loved  the  men  of  that  nation,  even  as  a  son  lov- 
eth  his  mother  which  bore  him.     But  the  no 
bles  and  the  rich  men  of  Jonbool  scorned  the 
men  of  Unculpsalm,  and  would  none  of  their 
affection,  and  made  light  of  their  honor. 

28.  For  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  had  forgiven 
the  men  of  Jonbool  their  oppression  and  their 

VER.  28.  And  got  thereby  gold  and  honor  in  the  land  of 
Jonbool.  The  reader  need  hardly  be  informed  that  there 
is  no  such  country  now  known  as  the  land  of  Jonbool.  Its 
very  name  is  lost  in  oblivion.  But  some  persons  have 
strangely  supposed  that  Great  Britain  was  prefigured  in 
this  land  of  Jonbool.  How  vain  this  supposition  is,  the 
passage  now  before  us  shows.  For  what  candor  and  what 
courtesy  have  not  distinguished  the  comments  of  British 


44  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

scorn,  and  had  shown  their  Prince  great  honor ; 
but  the  men  who  governed  that  nation  had  not 
forgiven  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  their  victory 
when  they  wrested  that  land  from  the  kingdom 
of  Jonbool.  And  the  prosperity  and  the  glory 
of  that  land  was  an  offence  unto  them.  And 
certain  of  their  scribes,  which  also  were  Phlun- 
kees,  wrote  scornfully  against  the  land  of  Un 
culpsalm,  and  bore  false  witness  against  it  from 
generation  to  generation,  and  got  thereby  gold 
and  honor  in  the  land  of  Jonbool. 

29.  Wherefore,  when  the  Tshivulree  and  the 
Phiretahs  lifted  up  the  standard  of  revolt,  the 
rulers   of   the   land   of   Jonbool    said    one    to 
another, 

30.  Lo,  the  time  for  which  we  have  waited 
without  hope  draweth  nigh ;   and  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  may  be  divided,  and  the  nation 
destroyed,   and  the  pride  of  the  people   cast 

travellers  upon  other  nations !  The  accusation  that  abuse 
of  another  and  a  kindred  people  brought  gain  to  the  writer 
in  the  land  of  Jonbool,  shows  clearly  that  Great  Britain 
could  not  have  been  foreshadowed.  It  is  true  that  Mr. 
Dickens,  when  he  had  no  thought  of  coming  to  this  coun 
try,  made  old  Mr.  Weller  counsel  his  son  to  send  Mr.  Pick 
wick  to  America,  and  then  "  let  him  come  back  and  write 
a  book  about  the  'Merrikins,  as  'ill  pay  all  his  expenses, 
and  more,  if  he  blows  'em  tip  enough  ; "  and  that  he  him 
self  some  years  after  followed  this  advice,  and  found  it 
good.  But  this,  we  all  know,  was  a  mere  freak  of  fortune, 
—  a  striking  exception  to  the  common  rule  with  British 
travellers  and  the  British  public. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  45 

down.  And  the  might  of  their  power  shall  be 
broken,  and  the  glory  of  that  land  shall  no 
longer  be  an  offence  unto  us ;  and  we  shall  be 
avenged  without  peril  and  without  cost. 

31.  Likewise,  also,  said  the  nobles  and  the 
great  men  of  other  lands,  where  the  few  de 
voured  the  substance  of  the  many. 

32.  So  the  rulers   of  the   land   of  Jonbool 
made  proclamation  to  all  the  earth,  that  in  that 
war  they  would  regard  the  men  of  the  South 
which  had  revolted  even  as  they  regarded  the 
rulers  of  the  land  chosen  according  to  the  Great 
Covenant.     For  they  said,  Thus  shall  we  en 
courage  them,  and  give  aid  to  them ;    and  it 
shall  cost  us  nothing :  and  after  this  they  will 
be  more  ashamed  to  submit  themselves  unto 
the  law  which  they  have  broken,  and  to  the 
rulers  which  they  have  defied. 

33.  And  the  nobles  and  the  merchants  of 
that  land,  which  aforetime  had  cursed  and  re 
viled  the  Tshivulree  and  the  Phiretahs,  and 
had  imputed  the  deeds  which  were  theirs  only 
unto  all  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  said  Amen. 

34.  And  the  merchants  of  Jonbool  sent  the 
Phiretahs  merchandise,  and  the  armorers  made 
them  arms,   and  the  ship-men   builded   them 

VER.  32.  Note  here  the  subtlety,  the  craftiness,  and  the 
self-seeking  of  the  ruling  men  in  Jonbool.  Observe,  too, 
their  end,  as  it  hereafter  appears  in  this  truthful  and  in 
structive  history. 


46       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

ships,  swift  and  mighty,  wherewith  to  destroy 
the  ships  of  the  men  of  the  North.  For  they 
said,  thus  shall  we  be  avenged,  and  turn,  also, 
every  man,  an  honest  penny.  State-craft  and 
business  shall  prosper  together,  and  profit  shall 
go  hand  in  hand  with  pleasure. 

35 .  And  thus  was  the  rebellion  strengthened 
in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm ;  so  that  although 
the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  drove  the  men  of  the 
South  out  of  much  country  where  they  had  set 
up  their  banners,  and  captured  many  of  their 
chief  cities,  and  held  all  that  they  had  taken, 
yet  after  two  years  were  not  their  armies  scat 
tered  or  destroyed,  or  their  ships  which  the 
men  of  Jonbool  had  builded  for  them,  driven 
from  the  sea. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  47 


CHAPTER  VI. 

I.  Abraham  and  Ms  Counsellors  not  wise  in  their  genera 
tion.  6.  Which  is  -well pleasing  to  certain  Dimmichrats. 
10.  Who  seek  to  ivork  confusion.  12.  And  to  compro 
mise  themselves  unto  the  Phiretahs.  13.  And  do  com 
promise  themselves  unto  the  Ambassador  of  Jonbool. 
16.  Who  is  crafty  and  turneth  neither  to  the  right  nor 
to  the  wrong.  17.  The  -wrath  of  the  men  of  the  North. 
21.  The  sect  of  Peace  Men.  25.  The  House  of  Hi 
ram  the  Publican.  27.  A  Woman  of  the  Phiretahs. 
29.  Samuel  seeketh  her  and  ministereth  unto  her. 
31.  Abraham  ministereth  occasion  unto  the  Peace  Men. 
35.  They  have  a  martyr. 

NOW  Abraham  was  honest;  but  he  was 
not  wise  in  his  generation. 
2.  Likewise  also  of  the  chief  counsellors  that 
he  appointed  that  one  that  was  counsellor  for 
the  war  wrought  only  mischief  and  confusion ; 
even  so  that  Abraham,  who  was  long-suffering 

VER.  i.  This  Abraham  seems  to  have  been  one  of  those 
men  who  without  great  capacity,  or  even  the  ability  to 
make  a  great  effort,  yet  by  simplicity  of  character,  honesty, 
singleness  of  purpose,  sagacity,  and  ready  sympathy,  ob 
tain  a  moral  power  which  many  men  more  highly  gifted 
find  out  of  their  reach.  The  langkies  seem  to  have  un 
derrated  him  as  much  in  the  early  part  of  this  great  war  as 
they  seem  to  have  overrated  him  at  the  time  of  its  trium 
phant  close. 


48  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

and  slow  to  anger,  would  sometimes  put  down 
his  foot  in  wrath. 

3.  Now  Abraham's  foot  was  heavy,  but  his 
head  was  light,  and  his  knees  were  feeble.    So 
his  foot  came  down  in  the  wrong  place,  or  at 
the  wrong  time,  or  else  it  continued  not  down 
until  the  end  was  accomplished. 

4.  Wherefore   he  prevailed   not.      And   he 
was  called  Abraham  the  well-meaning.     And 
men  pitied  him. 

5.  And  Abraham  and  his  counsellors  should 
have  ruled  with  a  firm  hand  and  a  mighty  arm, 
and  have  bound  the  land  together  with  bands 
of  steel,  and  have  smitten  down  the  strong  and 
set  at  naught  the  proud,  and  been  gracious  unto 
the  feeble.    But  they  wavered,  and  shrank  from 
the  voice  of  threatening,  both  in  their  own  land 
and  in  the  land  of  Jonbool. 

6.  And  this  was  well  pleasing  unto  certain 
men  of  the  Dimmichrats.     For  they  said  in 
their  hearts,  If  this  nation  can  be  saved  by  the 
rule  of  the  Dimmichrats  of  our  faction,  let  it 
be  saved;  but  if  not,  let  it  perish,  and  let  us 
rule  in  our  own  provinces. 

7.  But  they  said  not  this  openly ;   for  they 
feared  the  people. 

8.  For  in  all  this  time  the  hearts  of  the  men 
of  the  North  failed  them  not  in  their  wickedness, 
neither  did  they  alter  in  their  purpose  to  save 
their  nation  from  destruction. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  49 

9.  And  of  the  Dimmichrats  it  was  only  they 
who  were  faithful  to  their  masters  the  Tshiv- 
ulree  and  the  Phiretahs,  and  who  were  meek 
and  lowly,  and  who  sought  to  compromise  unto 
them,  and  crawl  on  their  bellies  before  them, 
which  was  well  fitting  for  them  to  do,  and  to 
say  unto  them,  What  would  our  masters  have? 
and  what  shall  their  servants  do  that  they  may 
be  gracious  unto  their  servants,  and  allow  them 
a  little  share  in  the  ruling  of  this  land?  —  it 
was  these  only  among  the  Dimmichrats  who 
were  well  pleased  because  Abraham  and  his 
counsellors  prevailed  not. 

10.  And  these  men  held  not  up  the  hands  of 
Abraham  their  ruler,  but  sought  occasion  to 
prevent  his  purposes  and  to  bring  his  counsels 
to  confusion,  and  his  doings  to  naught. 

11.  And  when  Abraham's  foot  came  down 
in  the  wrong   place,  or   continued  not  down 
until   the    end  was    accomplished,   and  men's 
hearts   were    sick   with    disappointment,    they 
sought  to  turn  them  in  favor  of  Jeph  the  Re- 
pudiator  and  his  counsellors. 

12.  And  they  said,  Let  us  not  have  war  with 
our  masters  the  Tshivulree  and  the  Phiretahs  ; 
but  let  us  compromise  unto  them,  and  crawl  on 
our  bellies  before  them,  even  as  we  did  afore 
time  ;  for  it  is  meet  and  right  and  a  pleasant 
thing  to  be  humble. 


5O  THE    NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

13.  And    they   sent    messengers    unto    the 
Tshivulree    and   the   Phiretahs,    saying   these 
things ;  and  their  scribes  wrote  them  in  books 
by  night  and  sent  them  out  unto  the  people  by 
day.     But  the  Tshivulree   and  the  Phiretahs 
spurned  them ;  for  now  that  they  could  no  more 
use  them,  they  looked  at  them  with  loathing. 

14.  Likewise  also  some  of  them  went  privily 
to  the  ambassador  of  the  land  of  Jonbool,  even 
that  land  which  sought  the  destruction  of  the 
nation  of  Unculpsalm. 

15.  And  they  said  unto  him,  Let  us  take 
counsel  together  that  we  may  bring  about  this 
great  end,  the  ceasing  of  the  war  without  the 
putting  down  of  the  rebellion. 

16.  But  he  was  crafty  and  answered  them 
nothing.     And  he  wrote  letters  unto  the  rulers 
of  his  land,  saying,  I  will  watch  faithfully,  and 

VER.  13.  Their  scribes  •wrote  them  in  books.  What  these 
books  were  seems  to  be  beyond  the  reach  of  conjecture. 
There  is  no  other  mention  of  anything  of  the  kind  in  an 
cient  oriental  literature;  neither  can  any  trace  of  such 
writings  be  found  in  the  East  of  the  present  day.  That 
frivolous  critic,  Robinson,  whose  weak  surmises  are  almost 
unworthy  of  notice,  says  that  obviously  these  books  were 
the  writings  called  Gnuzepaypahs.  Granted ;  but  the  ques 
tion  still  remains :  What  were  the  Gnuzepaypahs  ?  Here 
even  the  ingenuity  of  that  learned  critic,  Dr.  Hobvius  Trite, 
is  at  fault.  But  as  these  books  treated  of  the  gravest  polit 
ical  and  moral  questions,  and  yet  were  written  at  night  and 
spread  abroad  in  the  morning,  they  must  have  been  very 
weak  and  ill-considered  works. 


THE  XEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      51 

I  will  turn  aside  neither  to  the  right  nor  to  the 
wrong,  going  which  way  it  may  be  needful,  if 
it  leadeth  to  our  profit-  So  shall  I  show  my 
self  worthy  to  be  a  ruler  and  a  noble  in  the 
land  of  Jonbool. 

17.  Xow  when  this  letter  was  noised  abroad 
in  the  land  of  Unculpsakn,  the  men  of  the 
North  were  incensed,  and  the  fire  of  their  an 
ger  was  hot  against  the  Dimmichrats  that  called 
themselves  Peace  men.  For  upon  this  matter 
the  men  of  Belial,  *™\  the  Oimmichrats  which 
were  not  Peace  men,  and  the  Pahdees,  were  of 
one  mind. 

iS.  And  they  said,  Who  is  it  that  hath  dared 
thus  to  humble  this  nation?  Let  him  come  out 
before  us.  And  no  man  answered. 

19.  For  they  which  had  done  it  saw  that 
they  could  not  stand  before  the  people  and  five. 
Yet  still  they  said  in  their  hearts,  If  this  nation 
can  be  saved  by  the  rule  of  the  Dhimrirhrats 
of  our  faction,  let  it  be  saved ;  but  if  not,  let 
it  perish,  and  let  us  rule  in  our  own  provinces. 
For  now  they  had  but  one  thought;  not  how 
the  rebellious  Tshrrulree  and  Phiretahs  might 
be  subdued  and  compelled  again  to  their  obe 
dience,  but  how  they  might  again  role  the 
land  and  divide  the  spoil,  and  have  again  their 
everlasting  Xiggah. 

20.  Wherefore  they  cried'  aloud  for  war,  but 
labored  in  secret  to  bring  the  war  to  naught, 


52  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

and  to  turn  the  minds  of  the  people  to  peace, 
that  they  might  compromise  unto  the  Phiretahs 
as  they  did  aforetime.  And  they  watched  for 
their  occasion. 

21.  Now  the  chiefs  of  this  sect  in  Gotham 
were  these : 

22.  Phernandiwud,  who  had  been  chief  ruler 
of  the  city,  and  Benjamin  his  brother ;  James 
the  scribe,  which  knew  nothing,  and  Erastus 
his  brother ;  Samuel,  who  was  rich  in  butter ; 
Hiram  the  publican,  who  was  also  a  sinner, 
and  Elijah,  who  smelled  the  battle  afar  in  the 
tents  of  Tahmunee ;  Cyrus  (not  he  that  was 
taught  to  ride,  to  shoot  the  bow,  and  to  speak 
the  truth,  yet  did  this  Cyrus  shoot  with  a  longer 
bow  than  the  other)  ;  Primus  the  scribe,  whose 
beard  was  like  Aaron's,  and  who  dwelt  among 
the  merchants ;  Samuel,  who  made  the  light 
nings  of  heaven  his   messengers ;    Ker  Tiss, 
who  wrote   concerning  the   Great    Covenant; 
Isaiah,  who  was  a  captain  of  the  Hammerites ; 
Samuel,  whose  surname  was  Brinnzmayd,  and 
whose  fathers  ate  hasty-pudding ;  and  Augustus 

VER.  22.  Excepting  Phernandiwud  and  one  or  two  others 
whose  names  occur  hereafter  in  this  immortal  work,  the 
persons  mentioned  in  this  passage  as  chiefs  of  the  sect  of 
the  Peace  men  among  the  Dimmichrats,  although  they 
may  have  been  of  some  consequence  at  that  day  and  in 
that  party,  appear  to  have  been  of  so  little  importance  that 
they  soon  faded  from  the  memory  of  the  people  of  Gotham. 
As  to  this  passage,  see  p.  of  the  Preface. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  53 

the  money-changer,  who  aforetime  was  called 
Schomberg. 

23.  Now  the  others  were  Gentiles,  but  Au 
gustus  was  of  the  circumcision. 

24.  And  all  these  men  served  diligently  their 
master,  who  was  Jeph  the  Repudiator.     And 
many  of  them  were  Scribes,  but  all  of  them 
were  Pharisees ;  for  they  held  to  the  letter  of 
the  law,  but  knew  not  its  spirit.     And  they 
taught,  like  them  of  old,  concerning  the  Sab 
bath,  that  the  nation  was  made  for  the  Great 
Covenant,  and  not  the  Great  Covenant  for  the 
nation. 

25.  And  the  inn  of  Hiram,  which  before  the 
war  began  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  had  been 
rilled  with  Tshivulree  and  Phiretahs,  and  with 
Phlunkees  compromising  themselves  unto  their 
masters  the  Phiretahs,  and  crawling  upon  their 
bellies  before  them,  became  now  the  chief  place 
of  resort  for  them  that  still  served  the  Tshiv 
ulree   and   labored   to   prosper   the   rebellion. 
There  they  gathered  themselves  together  and 
craftily  imagined  in  secret  how  they  might  en 
snare  the  rulers  of  Unculpsalm,  and  rejoiced 
openly  when  the  banner  of  the  Phiretahs  pre 
vailed  against  the  banner  of  Unculpsalm.     So 
did  the  inn  of  Hiram  become  the  synagogue 
of  rebellion. 

26.  Now  this  inn  was  one  of  the  great  inns 
of  Gotham,  and  was  called  by  the  name  of 


54  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF  PEACE. 

the  city;  and  it  stood  upon  the  street  which 
was  called  Broad,  nigh  unto  the  place  which  is 
called  the  place  of  the  rent  foundation. 

27.  And  there  came  a  woman  of  the    Phi- 
retahs  into  Gotham.      And  she  was  married ; 
yet  was  her  husband  not  with  her.     And  she 
was  comely  and  fair  to  look  upon. 

28.  And  it  was  told  unto  the  rulers  of  Uncul- 
psalm,  Behold,  this  woman  of  the  Phiretahs 
cometh  to  spy  out  the  nakedness  of  the  land. 
Wherefore  the  rulers  sent  a  message  unto  Ken 
Edee,  chief  of  the  watchmen  of  Gotham,  that 
he  should  take  her  and  put  her  in  ward.     And 
he  did  so. 

29.  Now  when  Samuel,  whose  surname  was 
Brinnzmayd,  heard  that  Ken  Edee  had  taken 
a  woman  of  the  Phiretahs  and  put  her  in  ward, 
he  went  to  her ;  and  when  he  saw  that  her  hus 
band  was  not  with  her,  and  that  she  was  comely 
and  fair  to  look  upon,  and  that  she  had  come 
to  spy  out  the  nakedness  of  the  land,  he  suc 
cored  her  and  ministered  unto  her.     And  he 
caused  Ken  Edee  to  take  her  out  of  ward ;  and 
when  he  had  kept  her  in  Gotham-  for  awhile, 
that  she  might  be  comforted  and  see  the  naked- 

VER.  28.  This  Samuel,  like  Scipio  Africanus,  Manlius 
Torquatus,  and  Coriolanus,  seems  to  have  derived  his  sur 
name  from  his  exploits ;  and  Brinnzmayd  seems  to  have 
been  the  name  of  the  Phiretah-woman  whose  champion  he 
made  himself. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  55 

ness  of  the  land,  he  sent  her  back  into  the  land 
of   Tshivulree. 

30.  So  all  these  men,  and  many  others  which 
followed  them,  did  nothing  else  night  and  day 
but  strive  to  get  the  land  again  into  the  hands 
of  their  faction  that  they  might  serve  their  mas 
ter  Jeph  the  Repudiator,  and  compromise  unto 
him,  and  preserve  their  everlasting  Niggah. 

31.  Now  while  they  were  waiting  their  oc 
casion,    Abraham   himself  ministered   it   unto 
them.     For  one  of  the  captains  in  the  army 
of  Unculpsalm  took  Clement,  a  lawgiver,  be 
cause  he  had  said  that  Abraham  was  a  usurper 
and  a  tyrant,  in  that  he  resisted  Jeph  the  Re 
pudiator,  and  had  sought  to  diminish  the  armies 
of  Unculpsalm,  and  cast  him  into  prison ;  and 
to  a  scribe  which  did  likewise,  the  captain  sent 
armed  men  that  stood  over  him  with  drawn 
swords,  saying,  Ye  shall  no  longer  thus  stir  up 
the  people  to  sedition. 

32.  And  immediately  the  chief  men  of  the 
Dimmichrats  throughout  the  land  raised  a  great 
uproar,  for  they  said,  Now  cometh  our  oppor 
tunity. 

33.  For  there  was  a  law  in  the  land  of  Un 
culpsalm  that  every  man  might  speak  and  write 
freely  all  the  promptings  of  his  heart,  so  that 
he  slandered  not  his  neighbor,  and  that  no  man 
should  be  cast  into  prison  save  by  a  judge, 
when  he  had  been  condemned  by  twelve  good 


56  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF  PEACE. 

men  of  his  province.  And  the  people  of  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  regarded  this  law  above  all 
their  other  laws  ;  and  it  was  a  part  of  the  Great 
Covenant  and  of  the  Great  Charter  of  the  lib 
erties  of  that  people. 

34.  But  it  was  written  in  the  Great  Covenant 
that  in  times  of  sedition,  privy  conspiracy,  and 
rebellion,  this  law  should  cease  and  be  of  no 
effect,   for  the  safety  of  the  nation. 

35.  Now  the  leaders  of  the  Dimmichrats, 
who  were  wise  in  their  generation,  and  who 
sought  first  to  get  power  into  their  own  hands, 
and  afterwards  the  salvation  of  the  nation,  said 
among  themselves,  Lo,  Abraham  has  given  us 
a  martyr ;  and  it  is  better  than  if  he  had  given 
the  armies  of  Unculpsalm   a  victory.      Now, 
therefore,  let  us  bewail  the  wrongs  of  Clement 
and  the  violence  to  the  Great  Covenant  and 
the  ancient  Charter ;  and  we  will  declare  that 
it  is  to  preserve  this  nation  from  destruction, 
and  we  shall  regain  the  hearts  of  this  peo- 
pie. 

36.  And  they  did  so.     And  the  people  for- 
gat  the  peril  of  the  land,  and  how  it  was  in 
more   danger   from   traitors   that  were  within 
than  from  foes  that  were  without;   and  they 
forgat  also  the  provision  of  the  Great  Covenant 
against   such  perils;    and   there  was  a  great 
commotion. 


THE    NEW   GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  57 

37.  And  Abraham  said,  Let  not  Clement  be 
kept  in  prison ;  but  let  him  be  sent  among  the 
Phiretahs ;  for  they  are  his  friends,  and  he  is 
our  enemy;  and  let  the  scribe  continue  his 
writing.  And  it  was  done.  So  Clement  be 
came  a  martyr;  and  the  scribe  hardened  his 
heart  and  was  tenfold  more  the  servant  of  the 
Phiretahs  than  before.  For  he  said,  Abraham 
feareth  the  Dimmichrats,  and  even  the  men  of 
Belial  fear  them  also,  and  the  spirit  Bak  Bohn 
is  again  cast  out  of  them. 

VER.  37.  See  here  the  folly  of  temporizing  with  evil. 
Abraham  and  his  counsellors,  and,  indeed,  most  of  the 
langkies,  seem  to  have  been  throughout  this  period  afraid 
to  say,  Get  thee  behind  me,  Satan.  See  verse  i  of  this 
chapter. 


58      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

I.  Phernandiwud  summoneth  his  disciples  to  hear  the  New 
Gospel  of  Peace  at  the  Hall  of  Peter  the  Barrelmaker. 
10.  Who  came  not  to  the  Assembly,  n.  And  why.  15. 
Who  came.  17.  Phernanditvud  proclaimeth  the  New 
Gospel  of  Peace.  23.  The  Hittites  and  Hammerites  are 
well  pleased.  25.  But  have  groanings  about  the  freedom 
of  the  Niggah.  28.  Phernandiwud  showeth  that  there 
is  no  right  but  Peace  and  the  Everlasting  Niggah. 
30.  And  Free  Speech.  35.  Meekness  of  Phernanditvud. 
36.  And  of  the  Hittites  and  the  Hammerites.  42.  Isaiah 
telleth  of  a  ministration  of  Peace.  49.  The  New  Gospel 
of  Peace  spreadeth  beyond  the  border  of  Masunandicsun. 

NOW  Phernandiwud  saw  that  his  time  was 
come. 

2.  And  he  said  unto  his  familiars  and  to  them 
which  did  his  bidding  (for  he  had  a  great  fol 
lowing  in  Gotham),  Behold,  the  spirit  of  peace 
hath  descended  upon  me ;  and  I  go  forth  to  de 
clare  the  mystery  of  a  new  gospel  of  peace,  a 
gospel  of  great  gain,  unto  me  first,  and  after 
ward  unto  the  Dimmichrats.     And  I  shall  re 
ward  them  that  are  faithful  unto  me. 

3.  Go  now  therefore  and  summon  the  Dim 
michrats  who  serve  Jeph  the  Repudiator  and 
the  Phiretahs  in  Gotham  : 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.       59 

4.  James  the  scribe  and  Erastus  his  brother, 
who  know  nothing,  and  my  brother  Benjamin, 
who  knoweth  some  things ;    Samuel,  who  is 
rich  in  butter,   Hiram,   the  publican;  Elijah, 
who  smelleth  the  battle  afar  off;  Cyrus,  who 
shooteth  with  a  longer  bow  than  the  first  Cyrus  ; 
Primus,  who  dwelleth  among  the  merchants ; 
Ker  Tiss,  of  the  Great  Covenant;  Isaiah,  cap 
tain  of  the  Hammerites  ;  Samuel,  who  sendeth 
the  lightning  on  his  errand,  and  the  other  Sam 
uel,  whose  surname  is  Brinnzmayd ;  and  Au 
gustus,  the  money-changer. 

5.  And  say  unto  them,  Gather  yourselves 
together,  ye  and  your  following,  every  man  of 
you  at  the  hall  of  Peter  who  is  called  the  Bar 
rel-maker,  and  in  the  open  space  round  about, 
that  ye  may  hear  from  my  lips  the  new  gospel 
of  peace. 

6.  Now  this  Peter  made  the  substance  where 
by   one   thing    sticketh    unto    another    thing. 
Wherefore  he  was  for  union ;    and  he  called 
the  hall  which  he  had  builded,  the  Union  (for 
he  said,  Thus  shall  I  stick  this  nation  together)  ; 
but  the  people  called  it  after  his  own  name. 
And  he  was  rich,  and  he  offended  no  man. 

7.  Now  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  whoso 
ever  was  rich  and  offended  no  man,  became 
one  of  the  chief  men  of  his  city,  and  of  his 
country. 

8.  Moreover,  Peter  gave  of  his   substance 


60  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

unto  the  people.  And  this  was  he  who,  at  a 
feast  given  unto  the  Prince  of  the  land  of Jon- 
bool,  clapped  the  Prince  upon  the  shoulder  and 
said  unto  him,  My  lord  the  Prince  shall  dance 
next  with  my  daughter.  For  he  was  a  gracious 
man  and  a  courteous,  and  he  knew  that  his 
daughter  was  comely. 

9.  And  Phernandiwud  looked  for  the  assem 
bling  of  the  men  which  he  had  summoned, 
they  and  their  following,  at  the  hall  of  Peter 
the  Barrelmaker,  and  the  space  round  about. 

10.  But  these   men  came   not :   James   the 
scribe,  and  Erastus  his  brother ;  Samuel,  whose 
surname  is  Brinnzmayd,  and  the  other  Samuel ; 
Benjamin  the  brother  of  Phernandiwud,  and 
Elijah  of  Tahmunee ;  Hiram  the  publican,  and 
Cyrus,  Primus,  and  Augustus  the  money-chang 
er,  and  their  following. 

11.  For  they  said  within  themselves,  This 
gospel  of  peace  will   be  an  offence  unto  the 
people,  who  are  perverse  in  their  hearts,  and 
who  love  the  banner  of  Unculpsalm,  and  have 
respect  unto  the  rulers  chosen  according  to  the 
Great  Covenant,  even  although  the  men  be  not 
to  their  liking,  and  who  are  foolishly  bent  on 
overthrowing  the  armies  and  the  power  of  them 
who  would  destroy  the  nation. 

12.  Wherefore  we  will  not  be  seen  listening 
to  the  gospel  of  peace.     For  it  shall  be  better 
for  us  to  cry  out  for  war,  and  meanwhile  to  hin- 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      6 1 

der  the  war  in  secret,  and  to  seek  every  occa 
sion  to  bring  the  rulers  of  our  country  to  scorn 
and  derision  in  the  time  of  her  trial,  and  to 
aid  Jeph  the  Repudiator,  and  his  spies,  and 
his  emissaries,  and  to  work  confusion  in  the 
land. 

13.  For  so  shall  the  people  be  weary  of  their 
rulers,  and  bewildered  with  our  confusion  ;  and 
they  shall  trust  us,  and  turn  unto  us  in  their 
desolation,  and  say,  Verily,  these  are  the  men, 
and  they  shall  make  us  rulers  of  the  land. 

14.  Then    shall   we    compromise    ourselves 
again  unto  our  masters  the  Tshivulree  and  the 
Phiretahs,  as  it  is  meet  and  right  and  pleas 
ant  for  us  to  do ;  and  we  shall  find  yet  deeper 
dust  wherein  to  crawl  before  them ;    and  we 
shall  loosen  the  bonds  of  these  provinces,  and 
make  each  governor  of  a  province  thereof  a  lit 
tle  satrap,  but  great  in  his  own  eyes  and  in  the 
eyes  of  the  Phlunkees,  which  will  surround 
him,  that  he  may  defy  the  chief  ruler  of  the 
land ;  and  we  shall  divide  the  spoil. 

15.  But  these  men  came  to  the  hall  of  Peter 
the  Barrel-maker  to  hear  Phernandiwud  de 
clare  the  new  gospel  of  peace  : 

16.  Din  Ninny,  who  was  chief  ruler  of  the 
assembly,    and   who   directed   all   the   doings 
thereof;  Isaiah,  who  was  captain  of  the  Ham- 
merites ;  and  many  others  of  the  sect  of  Smal- 
phri  among  the  Dimmichrats. 


62      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

17.  And  with  them  there  came  a  great  mul 
titude  of  the  Hittites  and  the  Hammerites,  and 
of  the  Dedrabitz  from  Koubae  beyond  Bough- 
eree,  and  the  dwellers  in  Phyvpintz,  which  is 
nigh  unto  the  Tombs  where  they  buried  Juz 
Tiss  (now  Juz  Tiss  was  not  of  kin  unto  that 
Ker  Tiss  who  wrote  of  the  Great  Covenant) , 
and  in  Makkurilvil,  and  in  the  country  as  thou 
goest  by  the  shore  of  the  river  on  the  East, 
unto  Shyppyardz. 

18.  And  all  these  men  gathered  themselves 
together,  fiercely  bent  upon  peace.     And  they 
filled  the  hall  of  Peter  the  Barrel-maker,  and 
the  open  space  round  about. 

19.  And  when  Phernandiwud  stood  up  and 
beckoned  unto  them   they  shouted  for   about 

VER.  17.  At  this  remote  period,  all  traces  of  the  minor 
localities  mentioned  in  this  passage  have  vanished,  even  if 
we  were  able  to  conjecture  where  was  the  city  of  Gotham 
or  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  in  which  it  occupied  so  impor 
tant  a  position.  But  it  is  plain  that  the  Dedrabitz,  the 
dwellers  in  Koubae  beyond  Bougheree,  in  Phyvpintz  and 
in  Makkurilvil,  no  less  than  the  Hittites  and  the  Hammer 
ites  and  the  Pahdees,  were  the  chief  supporters  of  Pher 
nandiwud,  who  had  made  him  ruler  of  the  city  and  a 
lawgiver  in  the  land,  and  that  these  were  also  the  friends 
of  the  Phiretahs.  Dr.  Hobvious  Trite  begs  me  to  say  that 
he  suspects  some  satirical  allusion  in  the  designation  of 
the  Tombs  as  the  place  where  Juz  Tiss  was  buried,  and  in 
the  remark  that  Juz  Tiss  was  not  of  kin  to  Ker  Tiss.  But 
who  Juz  Tiss  was  Dr.  Trite  cannot  conjecture.  He,  how 
ever,  says  that  he  is  sure  that  there  are  traces  of  satire  in 
other  passages  of  this  work,  —  a  supposition  which  is  ingen 
ious,  but  oversubtle. 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  63 

the  space  of  half  an  hour.  For  they  remem 
bered  what  he  had  done  for  them  aforetime ; 
and  they  looked  for  a  ministration  of  the  gos 
pel  of  peace,  such  as  there  had  been  between 
the  watchmen  of  Phernandiwud  and  those 
which  had  been  appointed  by  the  governor 
and  rulers  of  the  province. 

20.  And  they  said  within  themselves,  Now 
shall  we  once  more  break  the  heads  of  the 
watchmen  of  Ken  Edee ;    and  there  shall  be 
peace  again  in  the  land. 

21.  And   Phernandiwud    said    unto    them, 
Hearken,  O  men  of  Gotham !     I  come  before 
you  this  day  preaching  a  new  gospel  of  peace. 
Peace  on  earth  and  good-will  to  men.     Peace 
on  earth,  that  I  and  my  faithful  followers  may 
get  what  is  due  unto  us,  and  good-will  unto 
men  who  are  of  our   persuasion   among   the 
Dimmichrats. 

22.  For  there  be  Dimmichrats,  yea,  verily, 
even  Pahdees,  who  are  not  of  our  persuasion, 
and  who  enter  not  into  our  congregation.     Let 
them  be  accursed. 

23.  And  all  the  people  said,  Hi!  hi!     For 
such  is  the  manner  of  the   Hittites   and  the 
Hammerites  of  Gotham  when  they  are  well 
pleased. 

24.  And  again   Phernandiwud   opened   his 
mouth  and  said,  O  my  brethren,  the  day  of 
calamity  cometh  upon  the  land  of  Unculpsalm, 


64      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

and  there  is  no  man  able  to  help.  Therefore 
have  I  come  hither  that  I  may  save  this  nation. 
No  man  raiseth  the  banner  of  peace.  There 
fore  will  I  raise  it,  that  war  and  hate,  which 
are  the  children  of  Satan,  may  be  at  an  end, 
except  for  the  Dimmichrats  which  are  not  of 
our  persuasion,  and  the  men  of  Belial  which 
preach  freedom  unto  the  Niggah.  Them  let 
us  hate  with  a  perfect  hatred,  and  upon  them 
let  us  make  war  without  ceasing. 

25.  And  when  the  Hittites  and  Hammerites 
heard  of  liberty  to  the  Niggah,  they  all  groaned 
with  an  exceeding  loud  groan,  as  it  were  if 
each  man  had  been  seized  with  pangs  of  grip 
ing  in  his  bowels.     For  to  hear  of  freedom  to 
the  Niggah  is  gall  and  wormwood  to  the  Hit 
tites  and  the  Hammerites. 

26.  Then  said  Phernandiwud,  Through  the 
pride  of  their  hearts,  and  the  vanity  and  wick 
edness  of  their  imaginations,  the  rulers  of  this 
land  have  sinned  and  done  wickedly  in  that 
they  have  not  allowed  the  Tshivulree  and  the 
Phiretahs  to  destroy  this  nation  without  making 
war  upon  it. 

27.  For  the  land  of  Unculpsalm   hath   no 
right  to  a  government,  neither  hath  the  people 
of  Unculpsalm  any  right  to  be  a  nation.     Nei 
ther  is  the  Great  Covenant  a  covenant  to  be 
kept,  except  by  the  men  of  each  province,  so 
long  as  it  is  pleasing  in  their  eyes. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  65 

28.  But   these   only  are   right,    Peace    and 
the  everlasting  Niggah.     Such   peace  as  we 
had   aforetime,    ere   the    accursed   spirit   Bak 
Bohn  took  possession  of  this  people ; 

29.  Such  peace  as  will  enable  our  brethren 
of  the  South  to  eat  their  bread  in  the  sweat  of 
another's  face ;  to  rob  the  laborer  of  his  hire ; 
to  oppress  the  weak,  and  set  their  foot  upon 
the  neck  of  the  lowly ;  to  beat  their  Niggahs 
with  many  stripes,  to  hunt  them  with  dogs,  and 
to  slay  them ;  to  take  their  women  for  concu 
bines,  and  to  beget  of  them  sons  and  daugh 
ters  ;   and  to  sell  from  the  mother  the  fruit  of 
her  womb  and  the  nursling  of  her  bosom ;  to 
make  merchandise  of  the  fruit  of  their  own 
loins,  and  to  sell  their  own  flesh  and  blood  into 
bondage  forever. 

30.  Peace,  my  brethren,  which  will  also  re 
store  our  right  of  free  speech  according  to  the 
Great   Covenant;    of   which    we    have    been 
robbed  by  the  rulers  of  this  land,  that  they 
may  wage  their  wicked  war  upon    the    Phi- 
retahs. 

31.  For,  O  men  of  Gotham,  ye  see  this  day 
how  your  rulers  oppress  you,  and  will  allow 
no  man  to  speak  evil  of  them,  that  they  may 
wage  this  war  without  let  or  hindrance ;  and 
that  all  men's  mouths  are  shut  by  fear  of  the 
gallows  or  the  dungeon,  who  will  not  prophesy 
smooth  things  of  their  damnable  doings,  and 

6* 


66      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

cover  up  their  wickedness   and  glorify  their 
abominations. 

3  2 .  Therefore  I  declare  unto  you  that  we  must 
have  the  peace,  the  peace  which  ensueth  from 
free  speech.  So  that  when  men  of  Belial  seek 
to  turn  the  hearts  of  the  men  of  the  South  to  set 
ting  their  bondsmen  free,  and  taking  away  from 
us  our  everlasting  Niggah,  the  Phiretahs  may 
seize  upon  them,  and  beat  them  with  many 
stripes,  and  hang  them  upon  trees,  and  roast 
them  with  fire,  and  pour  hot  pitch  upon  them, 
and  ride  them  upon  sharp  beams,  very  grievous 
to  bestride.  Peace  and  free  speech,  such  as 
there  was  on  the  day  when  Prestenbruux  smote 
down  Charles  the  Summoner,  and  beat  him 
until  he  was  nigh  unto  death. 

33.  Let  this  Peace  hover  over  the  land,  scat 
tering  balm  from  her  outstretching  wings  :  balm 
for  the  wounded  souls  of  the  Tshivulree  and  the 
Phiretahs  ;  balm  for  the  wounds  which  Dimmi- 
chratic  brethren  have  inflicted  on  each  other ; 
balm  for  my  bruised  spirit  and  defrauded  ex 
pectations. 

34.  Let  this  peace  come  to  us,  my  brethren, 
and  the  wolf  of  the  South  and  the  lamb  of  the 
North  shall  lie  down  together,  and  there  shall 
no  more  be  contention  between  them ;  for  the 
lamb  shall  be  inside  of  the  wolf. 

35.  Let  us  then  be  lambs,  O  men  of  Gotham  ! 
Yea,  let  us  be  meek  as  lambs.     For  it  is  writ 
ten  that  the  meek  shall  inherit  the  earth. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  67 

36.  Then  the  Hittites  and  the  Hammerites 
again  cried  out  Hi !  hi !   after  their  fashion ; 
and  in  a  twinkling  many  of  them  took  an  oath 
that  they  were  the  meek,  and  that  they  should 
inherit  the  earth. 

37.  Then  Phernandiwud  said,  All  now  is 
well  with  us,  my  brethren,  and  with  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm.     Peace  and  free  speech  shall 
prevail  among  us  now  and  forever. 

38.  Then  the  Hittites  and  the  Hammerites 
shouted  with  a  great  shout,  and  they  clenched 
their  fists  and  said,  God  do  so  to  us  and  more 
also,  if  we  break  not  every  man  his  head  which 
saith  there  shall  not  henceforth  be  peace  and 
free  speech  throughout  the  land. 

39.  And  no  man  answered.     So  they  said, 
Lo,  there  is  peace. 

40.  And   Phernandiwud    said   these  things 
many  times. 

41.  Now  when  Phernandiwud  had  made  an 
end  of  speaking  unto  the  people,  there  arose 
Isaiah,  he  who  was  captain  of  a  band  of  the 
Hammerites,  and  which  was  one  of  the  chief 
disciples  of  Phernandiwud.     And  he  said, 

42.  Shall  there  not  be  peace,  my  brethren? 
Remember  ye  not  the  time  when  Philip,  the 

VER.  40.  And  Phernandiwud  said  these  things  many 
times.  As  to  this  gathering  together  of  the  people  of 
Gotham  to  hear  Phernandiwud,  see  note  A  at  the  end  of 
this  book. 


68  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF  PEACE. 

priest  of  Beelzebub,  came  here  preaching  de 
liverance  to  the  captive  and  the  setting  at  lib 
erty  even  of  the  Niggah?  and  how  he  entered 
into  the  Tabernacle  and  gathered  unto  him 
iniquitous  men,  men  of  Belial,  who  hearkened 
unto  him,  and  believed  in  him? 

43.  And  remember  ye  not  how  I,  with  you, 

0  Hammerites,  who  break  the  heads  of  all  them 
who  set  themselves  against  you,  and  you,  O 
Hittites,  who  hit  from  the  shoulder,  went  into 
the  Tabernacle  and  broke  up  their  congrega 
tion  and  scattered  their  assembly? 

44.  And  I  knocked  down  Philip,  and  drag 
ged  him   out   of  the   pulpit  wherein   he  was 
speaking,   and  drave  him  out  of  the  Taber 
nacle? 

45.  Yea,  verily,  I  knocked  him  down;  for 

1  am  a  man  of  Peace ;  and  dragged  him  out 
of  his  pulpit  and  drave  him  forth  of  the  Taber 
nacle  ;  for  I  love  free  speech. 

VER.  44,  45.  It  is  a  striking  illustration  of  the  manners 
and  customs  of  the  strange  people  which  inhabited  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm,  and  of  their  devotion  to  truth  and  justice, 
that  a  passage  of  the  manuscript  too  mutilated  to  be  given 
in  the  translation  here,  reveals  that  on  account  of  these 
and  other  like  services  in  the  cause  of  peace  and  free 
speech,  Isaiah  was  made  one  of  the  chief  officers  of  Un 
culpsalm  in  the  city  of  Gotham,  and  most  appropriately  an 
officer  of  justice.  The  loss  of  this  office,  in  consequence  of 
an  agitation  which  brought  on  a  bloody  war,  naturally  led 
a  man  of  his  peaceful  habits  and  love  of  justice  to  become 
one  of  the  believers  in  the  new  gospel  preached  by  Pher- 
nandiwud. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      69 

46.  Then  the  Hittites  and  the  Hammerites 
and  the  Dimmichrats,  which  had  joined  them 
selves  unto  the  faction  of  Jeph  the  Repudiator, 
burst  out  into  a  great  shouting ;    and  for  the 
space  of  about  an  hour  they  did  nothing  but 
cry  Peace  and  Free  Speech,  and  death  unto 

'him  that  sayeth  to  the  contrary. 

47.  And  when  they  were  weary  of  shouting, 
they  went  each  man  unto  his  own  home. 

48.  And  the   new  gospel   of  'peace  spread 
abroad,  and  prevailed  mightily. 

49.  And  it  went  throughout  all  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  even  beyond  the  border  of  Masun- 
andicsun. 

50.  So   that   in   about  ten   days   the   chief 
captain  of  the  Tshivulree,  whose  name  was 
Robbutleeh,  took  an   army  of  the   Phiretahs 
and  marched  into  two  of  the  provinces  of  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm,  proclaiming  the  new  gos 
pel  of  peace. 

5 1 .  And  he  laid  parts  of  those  provinces  waste 
with  fire,  and  he  destroyed  the  bridges  that 
were  over  their  rivers,  and  carried  off  their 
horses,  and  their  corn,  and  their  cattle;  and 
put  all  them  that  resisted  the  new  gospel  of 
peace  to  the  sword. 

52.  So  the  people  began  to  understand  the 
mystery  of  the  new  gospel ;   and  they  glorified 
it ;   and  they  said,  yet  a  little  while  and  the 
Niggah  shall  be  restored  to  his  bondage,  and 


7<>  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

the  Tshivulree  and  the  PHiretahs  shall  be  our 
masters,  and  peace  shall  rule  the  land  with  a 
rod  of  iron,  and  we  shall  compromise  ourselves 
forever.  And  there  was  great  rejoicing. 

53.  Now  I,  even  I,  Benjamin  the  scribe,  the 
brother  of  Phernandiwud,  have  written  these 
things,  not  of  my  own  will,  or  of  the  prompt 
ings  of  my  own  heart,  for  the  truth  is  not  in 
me.     But  forasmuch  as  the  spirit  of  prophecy 
hath   descended  upon   me,    like  Balaam,  the 
son   of  Beor,    I    have    uttered    in   mine   own 
despite  what  hath  been  revealed  to  me,  and 
I  have  written  the  mystery  of  the  new  gospel 
of  peace. 

54.  And  to  few  shall  it  be  given  to  compre 
hend  this  mystery. 

55.  And  the  acts  of  Phernandiwud,  whose 
walk  was  slantindicular,  and  of  his  disciples, 
after  the  proclamation  of  the  new  gospel  of 
peace,    and   of  Hiram   the   publican,   and  of 
Elijah,   who   smelleth   the   battle   afar   off  in 
the  tents  of  Tahmunee ;  and  of  Augustus,  the 
money-changer,  which  was  of  the  circumcision, 

VER.  55.  Observe  the  writer's  modest  consciousness  of 
the  importance  of  the  task  which  was  laid  upon  him,  and 
of  the  interest  which  the  world  would  take  in  his  labors. 
Not  content  with  having  written  this  book,  he  declares  that 
he  will  write  another,  and  that  it  shall  be  for  the  enlighten 
ment  of  all  nations.  And  it  was  so.  Rarely  has  the  spirit 
of  prophecy  been  more  strikingly  manifested  than  in  this 
declaration. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      71 

and  of  the  other  Pharisees  and  Phlunkees,  shall 
not  I,  Benjamin  the  scribe,  write  them  in  a 
book?  and  they  shall  be  spread  abroad  in  all 
lands  for  the  enlightening  of  all  nations. 


END    OF  THE   FIRST  BOOK. 


72      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


NOTE  A. 

VER.  18.  The  gathering  together  of  the  people  at  the 
summons  of  Phernandiwud  and  the  leaders  of  his  faction  is 
not  without  some  resemblance  to  our  political  meetings  in 
modern  days,  —  due  allowance  being  made  for  the  differ 
ence  of  manners  and  tone  of  thought  produced  by  difference 
of  race  and  remoteness  in  time.  Compare  with  the  account 
given  in  the  text  the  following  extracts  from  the  report  of  a 
Democratic  mass  meeting  held  at  the  Cooper  Institute,  New 
York,  on  the  3d  of  June,  1863,  of  which  the  Hon.  F.  C. 
Dinninny,  of  Steuben  County,  N.  Y.,  was  chairman,  and,  in 
spite  of  the  inevitable  variations  just  mentioned,  there  will 
be  found  certain  striking  points  of  resemblance  quite  unac 
countable  except  by  the  unchangeableness  of  human  na 
ture. 

{From  tJie  New  York  Times  of  June  \th,  1863.] 

"  In  pursuance  of  a  call  issued  some  weeks  since,  a  Mass 
Convention  of  citizens  in  favor  of  peace  was  held  last  even 
ing  in  and  about  the  Cooper  Institute.  There  were  five 
organized  gatherings,  the  principal  one  being  held  in  the 
Hall  of  the  Union,  and  the  others  in  front  of  stands  erected 
about  the  adjacent  square.  At  half-past  five  p.  M.  the 
hall  was  densely  crowded,  but  as  the  proceedings,  as  set 
down  in  the  programme,  were  not  commenced  until  some 
time  afterward,  the  audience  amused  itself  by  cheering  for 
McClellan,  Vallandigham,  Wood,  Brooks,  etc.,  and  by 
groans  for  Burnside,  Lincoln,  and  others." 

ADDRESS  OF  THE  CONVENTION  —  EXTRACTS. 

"  In  1861  the  Democratic  party,  under  the  impulse  of  the 
enthusiasm  which  prevailed,  yielded  to  the  insanity  of  the 
moment  and  its  leaders,  and,  though  the  forms  of  the  or 
ganization  were  preserved,  repudiated  the  fundamental 
principles  of  the  party." 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      73 

"The  professed  Democrat,  who  is  for  the  war,  is  not  a 

Democrat  in  fact,  but  an  Abolitionist  of  the  most  radical, 

violent,  and  destructive  kind." 

"  This  war  is  the  curse  of  the  age  in  which  we  live." 

"  The   only  road   to  Democratic  victories    is    through 

peace." 

"We  have  been  beaten;  we  cannot  conquer  the  South." 
"The  war  being  unconstitutional,  cannot  be  prosecuted 

constitutionally." 

SPEECH  OF  FERNANDO  WOOD.  — EXTRACTS. 

"Disguise  it  as  we  may,  candor  compels  the  admission 
that  our  once  proud  Republic  has  fallen  from  its  exalted 
height.  It  is  now  prostrate.  Decried,  insulted,  and  with 
out  a  second-rate  position  abroad ;  rent  asunder  by  fearful 
civil  war  at  home ;  ruled  by  despotic  power  on  principles 
of  partisan  hate,  and  upon  theories  of  government  utterly 
antagonistic  to  those  upon  which  our  institutions  were 
founded,  we  stand  before  the  world,  an  object  of  wonder, 
contempt,  and  ridicule.  These  facts  are  not  referred  to  in 
a  spirit  of  reproach.  I  but  anticipate  the  record  of  history, 
and  shall  leave  to  others  to  fix  the  responsibility." 

"No  man  equal  to  this  crisis  has  appeared,  neither  in 
the  field  nor  in  the  cabinet;  nor  in  the  many  elevated 
spheres  of  private  life  has  the  man  presented  himself  with 
the  brain,  the  heart,  and  the  courage  to  seize  and  work  out 
the  great  political  problem  now  to  be  solved  in  our  case, 
and  to  utter  effectually  the  truths  of  reason  with  the  force 
and  power  equal  to  the  pending  crisis.  Those  who  have 
the  intellectual  ability  have  lacked  the  nerve,  and  those 
with  the  nerve  have  lacked  the  ability.  But  there  is 
another  wonder :  that  in  this  civilized  population  of  over 
thirty  millions,  North  and  South,  abounding  with  benevo 
lence,  purity,  cultivation,  and  enlightened  Christianity, 
none  are  found  to  raise  the  Banner  of  Peace.  Among  the 
thousand  spires  which  rear  their  lofty  turrets  to  a  benig 
nant  God,  not  one  covers  a  pulpit  devoted  to  the  true  prin 
ciples  of  Christ,  and  proclaims,  '  On  earth  peace  and  good 
7 


74  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

will  toward  men.'  .  .  .  With  this  spirit  and  this  deter 
mination  I  throw  myself  into  this  cause,  and  in  the  lan 
guage  of  Senator  Benton,  when  he  presented  a  proposition 
to  the  United  States  Senate  with  little  hope  of  immediate 
success,  and  the  general  indignation  of  his  compeers,  '  Soli 
tary  and  alone  I  set  this  ball  in  motion." 

"I  declare  for  peace,  and  as  preparatory  for  peace  am  in 
favor  of  a  cessation  of  hostilities." 

"The  war  should  cease,  because  it  never  should  have 
been  commenced,  inasmuch  as  there  is  no  coercive  mili 
tary  power  in  the  Federal  Government,  as  against  the 
States  which  are  sovereign,  and  in  possession  of  all  power 
not  delegated ;  because,  however  legal  and  just  at  the  com 
mencement,  it  has  been  diverted  from  its  ostensible  origi 
nal  purpose  and  made  a  war  for  the  abolition  of  slavery; 
because  it  is  made  a  pretext  for  the  most  outrageous  and 
damnable  crimes  against  the  liberty  of  the  citizen,  and  the 
rights  of  property,  and  even  against  the  form  of  govern 
ment  under  which  we  live." 

\From  the  Speech  of  Judge  McCunn.~\ 

"  I  trust  this  demonstration  to-night  is  the  beginning  of 
a  great  campaign  that  will  hurl  back  far  beyond  the  Merri- 
mack  the  mad,  seething  tide  of  fanaticism  which  has  been 
surging  far  over  our  fair  land,  and  which  will  settle  forever 
this  question.  We  will  have  to  do  battle,  it  is  true,  against 
the  purse  and  the  sword,  the  millions  of  office-holders, 
contractors,  and  satellites  of  the  administration.  But  let 
us  gird  up  our  loins,  and  be  prepared  to  do  this  battle 
peacefully.  Let  us  organize  in  every  hamlet  and  town 
through  the  land.  We  have  the  Jehovah  of  Peace  on  our 
side." 

AT  OUTSIDE  STAND,  NUMBER  ONE. 

•  •  •  "  The  chairman  had  announced  during  the  first 
part  of  the  meeting  that  Fernando  Wood  would  address 
the  crowd,  and  most  of  the  foregoing  speakers  had  evi 
dently  been  brought  forward  to  keep  the  audience  together 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      75 

until  the  great  man  of  the  evening  should  make  his  appear 
ance.  But  it  was  now  getting  late  and  the  '  boys '  were 
getting  impatient;  so  the  chairman — after  bringing  up, 
as  a  last  resort,  Edmon  Blankman,  and  a  man  named  An 
drews,  from  Virginia,  who  declared  himself  an  out-and-out 
rebel,  and  justified  secession,  on  principle*  —  called  on  the 
audience  to  give  three  cheers  for  Governor  Seymour,  three 
more  for  George  B.  McClellan,  and  three  for  the  Union ; 
all  of  which  being  heartily  responded  to,  he  declared  the 
meeting  adjourned." 

AT  THE  OUTSIDE  GERMAN  STAND. 

.  .  .  "  Fernando  Wood  .  .  .  who  was  preceded  by 
a  shouting  multitude,  and  received  with  every  species  of 
noise  the  human  voice,  feet,  and  hands  can  make.  Mr. 
Wood's  chief  remark  was  an  invitation  to  the  government 
to  send  General  Burnside  to  this  Department  [Cries, 
*  We'll  settle  him ! '  '  They  dare  not ! '  '  Hang  Burnside ! ' 
'Hang  him!']  The  remainder  of  Mr.  Wood's  remarks 
were  almost  identical  with  those  elsewhere  reported,  with 
a  little  pleasant  talk  to  the  Germans.  He  went  as  he  came 
amid  great  glory." 


It  is  interesting  to  read  in  connection  with  the  above 
passages  the  following  from  Fernando  Wood's  speech  at 
the  Union  War  Meeting  held  at  Union  Square,  New  York, 
April  20th,  1861 : 

MAYOR  WOOD'S  SPEECH. 

"  FELLOW-CITIZENS, — The  President  has  announced  that 
Colonel  Baker,  the  gentleman  who  has  so  eloquently  ad 
dressed  you  to-day,  proposes  to  raise  a  New  York  brigade, 
if  the  State  will  bear  the  expense  of  outfit;  and  here,  as 

*  This  man,  Andrews,  afterward  led  the  rioters  in  July,  1863,  and  is  now 
imprisoned  upon  conviction  of  that  crime  ;  Judge  Nelson,  of  the  Supreme 
Court,  having  made  his  term  of  imprisonment  as  long  as  the  law  would 
allow. 


76       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

mayor  of  this  city,  so  far  as  I  have  the  power  to  speak,  I 
pledge  for  the  corporation  that  sum.  When  I  assumed  the 
duties  of  the  office  I  have  now  the  honor  to  hold,  my  official 
oath  was  that  I  would  support  the  Constitution  of  the  United 
States  and  the  Constitution  of  the  State  of  New  York ;  and 
I  imply  from  that  that  it  is  not  only  my  duty,  as  it  is  con 
sistent  with  my  principles  and  sense  of  right,  to  support 
the  Constitution,  but  the  Union,  the  government,  the  laws, 
and  the  flag.  And,  in  the  discharge  of  that  duty,  I  care 
not  what  past  political  associations  may  be  severed.  I  am 
willing  to  give  up  all  past  prejudices  and  sympathies  if  in 
conflict  with  the  honor  and  interest  of  my  country  in  this 
great  crisis.  I  am  willing  to  say  here  that  I  throw  myself 
entirely  into  this  contest  with  all  my  power  and  with  all 
my  might.  My  friends,  the  greatest  man  next  to  Washing 
ton  that  this  country  has  ever  produced  —  Andrew  Jackson 
—  has  said  that  '  the  Union  must  and  shall  be  preserved,' 
and  in  that  connection  he  has  said,  and  it  is  directly  perti 
nent  to  the  present  contest,  '  the  Union  must  and  shall  be 
preserved  —  peaceably  if  we  can,  but  forcibly  if  we  must.* 
In  accordance,  then,  with  these  views,  I  have  no  hesitation 
in  throwing  whatever  power  I  may  possess  in  behalf  of  the 
pending  struggle.  If  a  military  conflict  is  necessary,  and 
that  military  authority  can  be  exercised  under  the  Consti 
tution  and  consistently  with  the  laws,  dreadful  as  the  alter 
native  may  be,  we  have  no  recourse  except  to  take  up  arms. 
In  times  of  great  peril  great  sacrifices  are  required.  My 
friends,  it  has  been  said  here  to-day  that  your  flag  has  been 
insulted.  Ay!  not  only  has  your  flag  been  insulted,  but 
the  late  Secretary  of  War,  assuming  to  represent  the  Con 
federate  States,  has  said  that  the  Confederate  flag  shall 
wave  over  your  Capitol  before  the  first  of  May ;  and,  more 
than  that,  that  the  Confederate  flag  shall  wave  over  Faneuil 
Hall,  in  Boston.  My  friends,  before  that  banner  can  fly 
over  Faneuil  Hall,  in  Boston,  it  must  be  carried  over  the 
dead  body  of  every  citizen  of  New  York.  In  behalf  of  you 
I  am  prepared  to  say  here,  and,  through  the  press,  to  our 
friends  of  the  South,  that  before  that  flag  shall  float  over 
the  national  Capitol,  every  man,  woman,  and  child  would 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      77 

enlist  for  the  war.  Gentlemen,  I  have  no  voice,  although 
the  heart,  to  address  you  longer.  Abler  and  more  eloquent 
men  than  myself  are  here.  I  can  only  say,  therefore,  that 
I  am  with  you  in  this  contest.  We  know  no  party  now. 
We  are  for  maintaining  the  integrity  of  the  national  Union 
intact.  We  are  for  exhausting  every  power  at  our  com 
mand  in  this  great,  high,  and  patriotic  struggle ;  and  I  call 
upon  every  man,  whatever  may  have  been  his  position 
heretofore,  whatever  may  be  his  individual  sympathy  now, 
to  make  one  great  phalanx  in  this  struggle,  that  we  may, 
in  the  language  of  the  eloquent  senator  who  preceded  me, 
proceed  to  '  conquer  peace.'  My  friends,  it  has  been  al 
ready  announced  by  the  chairman  that  the  Baltic  and  other 
vessels  at  the  foot  of  Canal  street  are  ready  to  take  five 
thousand  men  to-morrow  to  the  capital  of  Washington.  I 
urge  a  hearty  response  to  that  call,  that  New  York  may 
speak  trumpet-tongued  to  the  people  of  the  South." 

7* 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


BOOK   SECOND. 

[Published  October  24th,  1863.] 

(79) 


BOOK    SECOND. 


CHAPTER  I. 

I.  Benjamin  the  Scribe  beginneth  the  Second  Booh  of  the 
New  Gospel  of  Peace.  3.  The  Ephephvees.  4.  They 
buy  their  wives.  5.  And  their  concubines.  6.  Tarry  not 
for  their  purification  with  sweet  odors.  8.  The  Kopur- 
hedds.  10.  Robbutleeh  marcheth  northward.  13.  En- 
tereth  the  Province  of  Tschaddbelhee.  17.  The  Tytchmen. 
24.  They  compromise  unto  Robbutleeh.  25.  The  Chief 
Ruler  of  lawrc.  28.  A  Captain  of  the  Tshivulree 
maketh  proclamation.  30.  That  he  respecteth  private 
property.  35.  Commotion  among  the  Kopur-hedds. 

HERE  beginneth  the  second  book  of  the 
mystery  of  the  new  gospel  of  peace, 
whereof  I,  Benjamin  the  Scribe,  the  brother 
of  Phernandiwud,  wrote  in  the  former  book 
which  was  published  unto  the  people  of  Gotham 
and  unto  the  people  of  all  nations. 

2.  In  the  day  when  Phernandiwud  declared 
the  new  gospel  of  peace  in  the  hall  of  Peter 

VER.  2.  This  land  of  Diksee  seems  not  to  have  been 
separated  from  the  rest  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  by  any 
natural  boundary ;  for  the  border  of  Masunandicsun  is  ad 
mitted  on  all  sides  to  have  been  a  purely  imaginary  line. 
And  yet  bitter  animosities  were  divided  by  this  invisible 

(81) 


82       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

the  Barrelmaker,  Robbutleeh,  the  chief  cap 
tain  of  the  Tshivulree,  was  in  the  land  of  Diksee 
(for  so  men  call  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  when 
thou  goest  south  of  the  border  of  Masunan- 
dicsun),  even  in  the  province  of  Pharjinnee, 
which  is  the  country  of  the  Ephephvees. 

3.  Now  the  Ephephvees  had  been  patriarchs 
from  the  beginning,  and  like  them  of  old  had 
bought  their  wives  for  a  price. 

4.  For  aforetime  men  of  the  land  of  Jonbool, 
merchants  who  bought  slaves  in  Ethiopia  and 
carried  them  across  the  great  sea  and  sold  those 
of  them  that  were  left  alive,  had  taken  of  their 
own  women  them  which  stole,  and  them  which 
railed  in  the  streets  and  upon  the  housetops, 
and,  instead  of  putting  them  to  death  or  into 
prison,  they  had  sent  them  by  ship-loads  unto 
Pharjinnee,  and  sold  them  for  wives  unto  the 
men  of  that  land.     And  thus  did  the  men  of 
Jonbool  rid  their  land  of  pestilent  women  and 
turn  an  honest  penny,  after  their  manner. 

5 .  So  these  women  became  wives  and  mothers 
unto  many  of  the  Ephephvees  that  they  might 
live  after  the  manner  of  the  patriarchs.     But 

boundary.  Another  proof  that  that  which  is  imaginary  is 
often  more  potent  than  that  which  is  real.  The  Epheph- 
vees.  —  The  desperate  straits  of  those  who  would  maintain 
the  modern  and  political  origin  of  this  book  is  apparent 
from  the  fact  that  they  are  driven  to  the  supposition  that 
there  is  some  connection  between  this  powerful  tribe  and 
the  First  Families  of  Virginia. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  83 

there  were  some  which  bought  not  their  wives ; 
but  they  bought  their  concubines.  So  they  still 
lived  after  the  manner  of  the  patriarchs. 

6.  And  because  these  concubines  were  Ethi 
opian  women,  even  Niggahs,  and  their  ill-savor 
went  up,  it  behoved  the  Ephephvees  that  the 
days   of  their   purification   should  be   accom 
plished,  to  wit :  six  months  with  oil  of  myrrh 
and  six  months  with  sweet   odors   and  other 
things  for  the  purifying  of  women,  even  as  it 
was  unto  Esther  before  she  went  in  unto  Ahas- 
uerus.     But    the    Ephephvees  tarried  not  for 
these  things. 

7.  And  when   Phernandiwud   declared   the 
new   gospel    of   peace,    Robbutleeh   marched 
northward  with  all  his  host  into  the  land  of  the 
langkies  ;  and,  as  he  marched,  the  new  gospel 
prevailed  more  and  more. 

8.  And  there  was  great  joy  among  the  fol 
lowers  of  Phernandiwud,   and  among   all  the 
faction  of  the  Phlunkees,  among  the  Dimmi- 
chrats,  which  were  called  Kopur-hedds. 

VER.  6.  The  reason  of  the  indifference  of  the  Epheph 
vees  to  this  point  of  ritual  observance,  may,  perhaps,  be 
found  in  an  opinion  upon  the  subject  which  is  very  decid 
edly  expressed  in  a  passage  from  a  poet  nearly  contempo 
rary  with  the  author  of  this  book,  which  has  been  thus 
versified,  apparently  by  a  sable  Sternhold  or  Hopkins  :  — 

"  Y°  whyte  gals  buy  dere  scente, 
But  ye  bergamotte  I  skorne ; 
For  ye  niggahs  hab  ye  swete  smelle 
As  soone  as  dey  are  borne." 


84  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

9.  For  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  there  is 
an  evil  beast  and  a  venomous,  which  crawleth 
upon  his  belly  in  the  dust,  and  compromiseth 
himself  humbly  until  there  is  good  occasion, 
and  then  he  stingeth  unto  death  without  warn 
ing  and  in  silence.     And  the  name  thereof  is 
Kopur-hedd. 

10.  And    Robbutleeh    marched    northward 
with  a  mighty  army,  even  an  army  of  an  hun 
dred  thousand  chosen  men.     And  the  Tshiv- 
ulree  and  the  Phiretahs  of  the  South  boasted 
after  their  manner  that  the  armies  of  Uncul 
psalm  could  not  withstand  or  hinder  him,  and 
that   he  would   lay  waste  the  country  of  the 
langkies,    and   minister   the   gospel  of   peace 
unto  them  in  such  manner  as  would  delight 
the  heart  of  Phernandiwud  and  of  the  Kopur- 
hedds,  his  followers. 

1 1 .  Moreover,  they  prophesied  that  he  would 
break  up  their   government    and  dissolve  the 
bonds  of  their  union,  so  that  they  would  be  no 
more  a  nation,   but  a   gathering  together  of 
provinces  at  variance  among  themselves,  each 
one  doubting,  fearing,   and  hating  the  other, 
and  so  the  war  would  come  to  an  end,  and  the 
gospel  of  peace  prevail  forever. 

12.  And   the    captains   which   were    under 
Robbutleeh   boasted    mightily;    for   they  had 

VER.  12.  A  city  called  after  Hagar,  etc.     Here  we  have 
another  proof  of  the  ancient  and  Eastern  origin  of  this  book. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  85 

overcome  one  of  the  captains  of  Unculpsalm, 
and  driven  him  out  of  the  province  of  Phar- 
jinnee.  So  they  were  mightily  puffed  up. 
And  when  they  entered  the  province  which  is 
called  the  land  of  Mary,  and  had  taken  a  city 
called  after  Hagar,  because  she  was  the  con 
cubine  of  Abraham,  and  handmaid  unto  Sarah, 
his  wife  (for  the  land  of  Mary  is  a  patriarchal 
land) ,  and  the  people  of  the  city  would  have 
fled  away,  the  captain  of  the  Tshivulree  said 
unto  them,  Flee  not  away  in  hope  to  return 
again  when  we  are  departed ;  for  we  have 
taken  this  city  to  dwell  in  it.  So  the  people 
remained. 

13.  But  Robbutleeh  still  marched  northward 
with  his  host,  leaving  garrisons  behind  him  in 
the  cities  which  he  took,  until  he  entered  the 
province  of  Tschaddbelhee,  which,  being  in 
terpreted,  is  the  country  of  the  Cooacres. 

14.  And  he  sent   the   chief  captains  which 

The  people  of  the  land  of  Mary  would  hardly  have  sought 
to  defend  their  system  by  rendering  this  honor  to  Abra 
ham's  concubine,  were  it  not  that  he  and  they  were  of 
kindred  peoples,  and  living  under  the  same  forms  of  so 
ciety. 

VER.  13.  Tschaddbelhee.  This  is  another  of  the  names 
in  this  book,  the  origin  and  meaning  of  which  defy 
research.  Those  entirely  untrustworthy  commentators, 
Brown,  Jones,  and  Robinson,  would  derive  it  from  Tschadd, 
a  kind  of  fish,  and  belhee,  meaning  the  abdominal  regions. 
But  the  well-grounded  scholar  will  see  that  this  is  a  puerile 
fancy. 

8 


86      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

were  under  him,  each  captain  with  his  com 
pany,  northward  toward  the  city  in  which 
dwelt  the  governor  of  the  province  of  Tschadd- 
belhee,  and  eastward  toward  the  chief  city  of 
the  province,  which  is  called  Cooacre  city. 
And  the  great  merchants  of  the  province  of 
Tschaddbelhee  dwelt  in  that  city. 

15 .  And  Robbutleeh  took  the  little  cities  upon 
the  southern  border  of  the  province  of  Tschadd 
belhee,  and  put  a  captain  with  his  company  in 
each  of  them ;  and  he  threatened  to  take  the 
city  of  the  governor  of  the  province  of  Tschadd 
belhee  and  also  the  chief  city  of  the  merchants, 
even  Gooacre  city  ;  and  his  soldiers  scoured  the 
country  and  carried  off'  corn  and  cattle  and  rai 
ment,  even  much  spoil.     And  great  fear  fell 
upon  the  men  of  Cooacre  city  and  of  Gotham, 
and  upon  all  the  people  throughout  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm,  which  is  beyond  Masunandicsun, 
because  of  Robbutleeh   and  his  Tshivulree  and 
his  Phiretahs. 

16.  But  the  Kopur-hedds  and  the  Dimmi- 
chrats  of  their  faction  feared  not,  but  rejoiced 
in  their  hearts.     For  they  said  within  them 
selves,  Now  shall  the  armies  of  Abraham  be 
scattered   and  his  government  be  destroyed ; 
and  we  shall  have  a  new  government ;  and  the 
corner-stone  thereof  shall  be  the    everlasting 
Niggah.    And  they  gave  Robbutleeh  to  know 
secretly  that  they  rejoiced. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  87 

17.  Now  in  the  province  of  Tshaddbelhee,  in 
the  middle  country  thereof,  were  many  Tytch- 
men,  even  a  great  multitude. 

1 8.  For  when  the  king  of  the  land  of  Jon- 
bool,  who  himself  was  a  Tytchman,  and  the 
son  of  a  Tytchman,  made  war  upon  the  men 
of  Unculpsalm,  he  bought  Tytchmen  of  their 
king,  and  sent  them  under  his  captains  and 
under  his  officers  to  fight  with  the  men  of  Un 
culpsalm,  even  the  langkies. 

19.  And  when  these  had  been  well  beaten 
by  the  langkies,  of  them  that  were  left  alive 
many  remained  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  in 
the  province  of  Tschaddbelhee.     For  they  saw 
that  it  was  a  rich  land  and  a  goodly,  even  a 
land  in  which  they  might  get  gelt,  which,  be 
ing  interpreted,  is  lucre. 

20.  And  they  sent  letters  to  their  friends  and 
their  kinsmen,  saying  to  them,  Come  unto  this 
land  and  live,  for  there  is  gelt  here.     And  they 
came. 

21.  And  these  Tytchmen  learned  not  for  a 
long  time  the  language  of  the  langkies,  nor 

VER.  19.  Many  remained.  The  entire  passage  comprised 
in  this  and  the  two  previous  verses  is  very  corrupt,  and  is 
probably  an  interpolation  by  some  later  writer,  who  em 
bodied  in  it  a  belief  that  prevailed  in  the  land  of  Uncul 
psalm  many  years  after  the  occurrence  of  the  events  to  which 
it  refers.  But  no  evidence  has  been  discovered  in  support 
of  this  belief. 

VER.  21.  Jah  Xunn.  Of  this  great  ruler  we  know  only 
his  name,  and  a  tradition  that  he  was  given  to  a  profuse 


88       THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

followed  they  their  customs,  even  for  two  gen 
erations,  but  they  spake  their  own  language, 
and  their  scribes  wrote  in  it,  and  they  followed 
their  own  customs.  And  they  lived  slowly,  so 
that  whereas  the  langkies  lived  ten  days  in  one 
day,  the  Tytchmen  did  not  live  ten  days  in  one 
year.  And  they  learned  only  one  thing  of  the 
langkies,  to  worship  the  great  ruler  Jah  Xunn, 
and  to  believe  in  him.  And  they  delieved  in 
him,  and  obeyed  him,  and  gave  their  voices 
that  he  should  be  chief  ruler  of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  many  years  after  he  was  gathered 
to  his  fathers  ;  and  they  do  so  even  unto  this  day. 

22.  And  like  Jeph,   the  chief  ruler  of  the 
Tshivulree,  they  were  repudiators ;  and  it  was 
by  their  voice  that  the  province  of  Tschaddbel- 
hee  was  numbered  for  a  little  time  with  the 
repudiators.     For  the  Cooacres,  though  they 
do  look  after  lucre,  yet  do  they  not  repudiate. 

23.  And    the   Tytchmen    did    nothing    and 
thought  of  nothing,  night  and  day,  but  to  get 
gelt ;  and  when  they  got  it  they  put  it  into  pots 
and  into  stockings  and  hid  it  away.     And  their 
cattle  were  better  lodged  than  they. 

24.  And  when  Robbutleeh  marched  into  the 
province  of  Tschaddbelhee,  into  their  country, 


taking  of  oaths  and  generally  swore  "  by  the  Eternal." 
Hence,  probably,  considering  the  signification  of  Jah  in 
languages  of  Chaldee  origin,  he  received  the  first  part  of 
his  name. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      89 

the  Tytchmen  bowed  themselves  down  before 
him,  and  compromised  themselves  unto  him, 
and  said,  What  will  my  lord  that  his  servants 
shall  do  that  he  may  be  gracious  unto  them? 
For  they  hoped  to  save  their  goods  and  their 
cattle,  and  to  put  more  gelt  into  their  pots  and 
into  their  stockings ;  but  for  the  nation,  and  its 
honor,  and  its  power,  and  the  freedom  of  its 
people,  and  the  justice  of  its  counsels,  cared 
they  nothing. 

25.  And  there  was  a  certain  man  of  lawrc, 
a  little  city,  which  was  chief  ruler  thereof;  and 
when  he  heard  that  one  of  the  captains  of  the 
Tshivulree  was  drawing  nigh  unto  his  city,  he 
mounted  his  horse  and  rode  forth  to  find  the 
captain,  that  he  might  be  in  haste  to  compro 
mise  unto  him  and  to  render  him  up  the  city. 
And  he  was  of  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the 
Dimmichrats. 

26.  And  he  rode  many  miles  and  wandered 
far  into  the  open  country,  until  the  night  was 
passed  and  the  dawn  appeared,  but  he  found 
not  the  Phiretah  captain.     And  he   returned 
home  sad  and  very  sorrowful  because  he  had 
not  been  able  to  compromise  unto  the  Tshivul 
ree,  and  give  up  his  city.     And  when  he  came 
thither  he  found  that  the  Phiretah  captain  had 
taken  the  city  while  he  was  away. 

27.  But  Robbutleeh  and  his  captains,  though 
they  were  Tshivulree,   thought   scorn   of  the 


90      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

chief  man  of  lawrc  and  of  the  Tytchmen,  and 
spat  upon  their  compromising,  and  took  their 
cities  like  conquerors. 

28.  And  the  captain  which  took  the  city  of 
lawrc  made  a  proclamation  to  the  inhabitants, 
saying, 

29.  Men  of  lawrc,  ye  deserve  that  I  should 
burn  your  city  and  cast  you  out,  even  ye  and  your 
wives  and  your  little  ones  into  the  wilderness  : 
because  ye  are  of  the  accursed  race  of  langkies, 
which,  when  the  people  of  our  cities  have  made 
war  upon  them  and  killed  them,  have  destroyed 
the  cities  and  driven  out  the  people,  even  the 
Tshivulree,  which  is  an  abomination. 

30.  Behold,  now,  also  how  we  of  the  Tshivul 
ree  are  not  like  the  langkies,  in  that  we  respect 
private  property.     I  shall  not  take  from  you 
your  property,  I,  nor  my  officers,  nor  my  sol 
diers.     But  ye  shall  bring  unto  me  speedily  one 
hundred  thousand  pieces  of  silver,  and  six  hun 
dred  measures  of  fine  flour,  and  thirty  thousand 
measures  of  corn,  and  forty  thousand  pounds 
of  the  flesh  of  fat  beeves,  and  one  thousand 
changes  of  raiment,  even  of  shoes  and  coats, 
and  of  nether  garments  which  are  unmention 
able,  and  ye  shall  deliver  the  full  tale  thereof 
unto  officers  that  I  shall  appoint,  or  I  will  lay 
waste  your  city  and  destroy  it  with  fire. 

31.  And  when  the  chief  men  of  lawrc  and 
the  Tytchmen  had  read  the  proclamation  their 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      91 

hearts  sank  within  them.  But  they  confessed 
it  not  even  among  themselves,  but  said  one  to 
another,  Behold,  how  pleasant  and  good  and 
profitable  a  thing  it  is  to  compromise  unto  the 
Tshivulree.  For  if  we  had  not  compromised 
unto  them  they  might  not  have  respected  our 
private  property.  But  now  we  have  only  to 
bring  unto  them,  speedily,  silver,  and  fine 
flour,  and  corn,  and  flesh  of  beeves,  and 
changes  of  raiment,  with  the  nether  garments 
which  are  unmentionable,  or  to  have  our  city 
laid  waste  and  burned  over  our  heads.  Let 
us,  therefore,  bring  up  the  gelt,  and  the  corn, 
and  the  cattle,  and  the  unmentionable  raiment, 
speedily. 

32.  And  they  did  so.     And  in  three  days 
they  brought  money  and  meat  and  raiment, 
even  to  the  sum  of  thirty  thousand  pieces  of 
silver.     And   they  could  bring  no  more.     So 
they  compromised  themselves  yet  more  unto 
the  Phiretah  captain,  and  said  unto  him,  For 
give  thy  servants  the  residue.     But  he  answered 
them,  I  will  not  forgive  you  the  residue :  see 
that  ye  pay  the  full  tale  thereof  in  twenty  days, 
or  I  will  destroy  your  city,  which  I  have  not 
yet  done  because  we  do  respect  private  prop 
erty. 

33.  And    when   these   doings   were   noised 
abroad  in  Cooacre  city  and  in  Gotham,  there 
was  amazement  and  consternation,  and  chiefly 


92  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

among  the  Kopur-hedds,  many  of  which  were 
rich  and  had  great  possessions. 

34.  For  they  said,  Lo,  the  people  of  lawrc 
and  the  Tychtmen  round  about  have  compro 
mised  unto  the  Tshivulree,  and  the  chief  ruler 
of  lawrc  sought  out  the  captain  of   the  Phi- 
retahs  diligently,  that  he  might  render  him  up 
the  city;    and  yet  they,  who  respect  private 
property,  have  levied  upon  the  people  of  lawrc 
a   contribution   which  valueth   three   hundred 
thousand  pieces  of  silver. 

35.  Behold,  now,  lawrc  is  a  little  city,  and 
the  people  thereof  are  of  small  wealth  and  few 
possessions.     What,  therefore,  must  we  give, 
even    we    who    compromise    ourselves,    when 
Robbutleeh  cometh  unto  our  cities.     In  Cooa- 
cre  city  it  will  be  twenty  millions  of  pieces  of  sil 
ver,  and  in  Gotham  it  will  be  fifty  millions,  and 
peradventure,  one  hundred  millions.     We  like 
not  this  manner  of  compromising ;   for  now  we 
begin  to  see  that  it  is  all  upon  one  side.     (For 
this  sort  of  men  have  their  understandings  in 
their  pockets.)     And  there  was  great  commo 
tion. 

VER.  35.  The  word  here  translated  pocket  means  more 
properly  purse.  The  Oriental  people  did  not  wear  either 
breeches  or  pockets.  But  I  preferred  the  rendering  pockets 
because  it  conveys  to  modern  and  Western  minds  more 
forcibly  the  spirit  of  the  passage. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      93 


CHAPTER  II. 

I.  The  Governor  of  the  Province  of  Gotham  seeketh  to  be 
Chief  Ruler  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  2.  He  is 
called  Say- More  and  See-More.  9.  The  Cooacres.  12. 
The  Tytchmen  avenge  their  fathers  of  the  langkies.  18. 
They  -will  get  gelt  and  have  Jah  Xunn  for  Chief  Ruler. 

21.  The  City  of  the  Furnaces,  and  of  Stvine-sin-naughty. 

22.  Which  sinneth  ivith  the  unclean  beast. 

NOW,  the  governor  of  the  province  of  Go 
tham  sought  to  be  Chief  Ruler  of  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm. 

2.  And  of  the  Pahdees  he  was  called  Say- 
More,  because  he  could  say  more  and  mean 
less  than  any  other  man  in  that  country.     But 
of  the  Kopur-hedds,  which  were  not  Pahdees, 
he  was  called  See-More,  because  that  there 
was  no  man  who  could  see  more  ways  of  mak 
ing  trouble  for  other  folk  and  getting  out  of  it 
himself. 

3.  Wherefore,  both  among  the  Pahdees  and 
the  Kopur-hedds  he  was  thought  to  be  the  fit 
test  man  to  rule  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  in  the 
place  of  Abraham  the  Honest. 

VER.  3.  Observe  in  the  reason  given  for  the  choice  of  the 
Pahdees  and  the  Kopur-hedds  their  singular  obstinacy  and 


94  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

4.  And  when  Robbutleeh  marched  into  the 
province  of  Tschaddbelhee,  Abraham  sent  mes 
sages  unto  the  governor  of  Gotham  and  unto 
the  governor  of  Jahrzee,  saying,  The  Phiretahs 
be  upon  you !     Arouse,  and  send  men  south 
ward  to  meet  them,  ere  they  march  upon  your 
cities. 

5 .  And  the  governor  of  Gotham  then  showed 
that  he  should  be  named  See-More.     For  he 
said  within  himself,  behold,  if  that  cometh  to 
pass  for  which  I  am  looking,  will  it  not  be  bet 
ter  that  the  soldiers  of  Gotham  be  southward  in 
the  province  of  Tschaddbelhee,  and  in  the  prov 
ince  which  is  called  the  land  of  Mary. 

6.  For  Robbutleeh  will  surely  be  victorious, 
and  then  shall  the  city  of  Gotham  and  the  prov 
ince  of  Gotham  be  without  defence  against  him, 
and  the  end  shall  come  the  more  quickly,  and 
the  gospel  of  peace  shall  prevail,  and  the  bonds 
of  this  nation  shall  be  dissolved,  andl  shall  be  a 
satrap  in  my  province ;   and  so  likewise  shall 
the  other  governors  be  in  their  provinces,  and 
we  shall  make  a  league  together  not  like  unto 
the  Great  Covenant,  but  like  unto  the  league 
which  was  before  the  Great  Covenant,  and  the 
corner-stone  thereof  shall  be  the   everlasting 
Niggah.    For  it  is  better  that  this  nation  should 

perversity.  Another  proof  that  this  book  can  have  no 
reference  to  any  people  living  in  this  country  and  in  this 
age  of  enlightenment. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.       95 

be  destroyed  than  that  the  slaves  should  go 
free,  and  the  everlasting  Niggah  cease  from 
off  the  land. 

7.  Wherefore  he  sent  southward  speedily  all 
the  soldiers  of  Gotham  and  the  country  round 
about,  even  twenty  thousand  men.     And  they 
marched  into  the  province  of  Tschaddbelhee, 
into  the  southern  and  middle  parts  thereof. 

8.  And  the  men  of  this   country,  even  the 
Tytchmen,  had  fled,  some  of  them  from  before 
the  Tshivulree,  and  others  had  remained  and 
compromised  unto  them ;  but  there  were  none 
which  remained  and  defied  them  and  took  up 
arms  against  them. 

9.  But  such  were  not  all  the  men  of  the  land 
of  the  Cooacres.     For  they  had  sent  forth  many 
mighty  men  to  the  war,  footmen  and  horsemen, 
which  had  fought  valiantly  for  Unculpsalm ; 
and  a  part  of  the  army  of  Unculpsalm  which 
had  gotten  great  renown   had  come  out  of  the 
province  of  Tschaddbelhee,  and  was  called  af 
ter  the  name  of  that  province. 

10.  Likewise  also  did  the  Cooacres  furnish 
many  men,  even  a  great  multitude,  unto  an- 

VER.  9.  As  the  Puritans  were  in  the  habit  of  applying 
passages  in  the  Hebrew  scriptures  to  themselves,  so  certain 
persons  of  the  present  day  apply  this  passage  to  the  troops 
called  the  Pennsylvania  Reserves.  And  it  must  be  con 
fessed  that  the  likeness  in  the  latter  case  is  quite  as  great  as 
in  the  former. 


96      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

other  army  in  the  service  of  Unculpsalm ;  even 
the  noble  army  of  Counter  actors,  which  did 
continually  praise  Abraham. 

11.  And  when  the  soldiers  of  Gotham  came 
into  the  province  of  Tschaddbelhee,  nigh  unto 
the  places  where  the  hosts  of  Robbutleeh  were, 
they  looked  to  be  received  with  favor  and  with 
thankfulness  by  the  men  of  that  country. 

12.  But  the  Tytchmen  said,  Now  can  we  do 
like  men  of  the  land  of  Jonbool  for  whom  our 
fathers  came  to  fight.     We   can  avenge  our 
fathers   of  these   langkies  for  the  defeat  our 
fathers  suffered  from  their  fathers ;  for  we  can 
spoil  them  and  get  gelt.     And  so  shall  we  do 
like  unto  the  men  of  Jonbool,  when  they  avenge 
themselves  against  the  langkies,  and  turn  also 
every  man  an  honest  penny. 

13.  For  these    langkies    come    hither  from 
Gotham  in  great  multitudes,  and  they  will  need 
food  and  lodging.     Wherefore  they  are  at  our 
mercy,  and  we  will  make  them  pay  fourfold 
for  all  that  they  require  of  us.     And  they  did 
so. 

14.  And  the  men  of    Gotham  were  aston 
ished,  and  said,  Is  it  thus  that  ye  do  unto  them 

VER.  10.  What  was  this  noble  army  of  Counteractors  ?  We 
have  heard  of  the  noble  army  of  martyrs ;  but  to  that  these 
Counteractors  did  not  belong.  For  although  by  their  own 
account  many  of  them  were  compelled  to  make  sacrifices, 
there  is  no  instance  on  record  of  one  of  them  offering  to 
sacrifice  himself  for  his  country  or  his  principles. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  97 

which  come  to  protect  you  against  the    Phi- 
retahs  ? 

15.  And  they  answered  and  said,  Yea,  verily. 
For  if  ye  come  to  protect  us  against  the    Phi- 
retahs,  how  shall  we  be  protected  unless  we  get 
from  you  the  gelt  which  the  Phiretahs  have 
taken  away  from  us? 

16.  Go  to,  then  :  for  a  loaf  of  bread  ye  shall 
pay  thirty  pennies,   and  for  an  egg  ye  shall 
pay  six  pennies,  and  for  a  cup  of  water  three 
pennies ;  and  so  on  in  like  manner  for  all  that 
ye  shall  require  of  us. 

17.  And  if  ye  be  foolish  and  will  not  com 
promise  unto  the  Phiretahs,  and  entreat  them 
humbly,  but  will  go  into  battle  against  them, 
and  any  of  you  be  wounded,  as  ye  shall  de 
serve,  behold,  we  will  bind  up  your  wounds 
and  pour  in  oil  and  wine,  like  unto  the  Samar 
itan  of  old ;  and  for  the  bandage  ye  shall  pay 
a  piece  of  silver,  and  for  the  oil  three  pieces 
of    silver,    and   for    the   wine    five    pieces   of 
silver,  even  of  the  pieces  which  are   almighty 
and  which  we  worship.     And  for  your  lodging 
while  ye  are  sick,  ye  shall  pay  in  like  manner. 

18.  And  for  the  Tshivulree    and   the  Phi 
retahs  against  whom  ye  come,  ye  are  no  more 
welcome  than  they.     We  care  nothing  for  your 
quarrel.     Get  you  gone,  both  of  you,  and  leave 
us  to  our  farms  and  our  merchandise,  that  we 
get  gelt  and  put  it  into  pots  and  into  stockings. 


98  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

Let  us  alone,  and  give  us  Jah  Xunn  for  chief 
ruler. 

19.  Thus  did  the  Tytchmen  of  the  province 
of  Tschaddbelhee.     But  in  the  land  of  Uncul- 
psalm  were  other  Tytchmen  which  did  not  so, 
but   fought    valiantly   against    the    Phiretahs. 
Likewise    also    came    Tytchmen    among   the 
soldiers  of  Gotham ;  and  their  cheeks  burned 
with  shame   and  with   anger   because   of  the 
doings  of  their   brethren   in  the  land  of  the 
Cooacres ;  and  they  reviled  them  in  their  own 
tongue. 

20.  And  the  men  of  the  province  of  Tschadd 
belhee,  which  were  Cooacres,  and  which  were 
of  the  blood  of  the  langkies,  did  not  thus,  but 
made  ready  to  do  battle  with  the  Phiretahs, 
and  cast  up  mounds  around  their  cities,  and  set 
thereon  engines  of  war,  which  sent  forth  fire 
and  smoke  and  iron. 

21.  Thus  did  the  men  of  the  city  of  the  fur 
naces,  which,  lieth  on  the  north  side  of  the 
river  of  Strong  Waters,  which  is  at  the  begin 
ning  of  the  great  river  of  the  debtors,  even  the 
Oh-I-owe,  which  is  the  way  to  the  country  of 
the    Repudiators,    by  which    thou   descendest 
unto  the  city  of  Swine-sin-naughty. 

VER.  21.  The  city  of  the  Furnaces.  This  is  merely  a  trans 
lation  of  the  name  in  the  original.  The  town  seems  to 
have  been  a  place  somewhat  like  Sheffield,  in  England,  or 
like  our  own  Pittsburg,  on  the  Monongahela. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  99 

22.  For  that  city  was  entirely  given  up  to 
sinning  with  the  unclean  beast.     So  that  the 
people  did  nothing  else,  night  and  day,  but 
slay  and  eat  the  abominable  creature,  and  make 
ready  for   others   to   eat  thereof.     Wherefore 
when  they  of  the  circumcision,  like  unto  Au 
gustus  the  money-changer,  passed  through  that 
city,  they  washed  themselves,  and  were  unclean 
until  the  evening.     And  it  is  called  the  city  of 
Swine-sin-naughty  unto  this  day. 

23.  And  the  chief  ruler  of  lawrc  and  the 
Tytchmen   of   Tschaddbelhee,    were   held   in 
scorn,  and  the  men  of  the  city  of  the  furnaces, 
and  they  which  did  like  unto  them  were  held 
in  honor  throughout  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

VER.  22.  The  city  of  Swine-sin-naughty.  This  name, 
like  that  of  Phernandiwud,  is  an  impassable  stumbling- 
block  in  the  way  of  those  who  deny  the  authenticity  and 
the  antiquity  of  this  book,  and  attribute  it  to  one  or  more 
writers  of  this  day  and  country.  For  what  city  is  there  in 
America  which  deserves  the  reproach  cast  upon  it  in  this 
name ;  or  what  river  that  may  be  justly  slurred  by  the  name 
given  to  that  upon  which  the  city  in  question  stood? 


IOO  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE, 


CHAPTER  III. 

I.  Robbiitleeh  still  marcheth  northward.  5.  George  the 
Mede.  7.  The  land  trembleth.  8.  But  the  Kopur-hedds 
rejoice.  16.  George  the  Mede  maketh  a  Proclamation. 
20.  A  battle  beginneth  at  Gettingsburg.  23.  The  battle 
continueth  on  the  second  day.  25.  The  Phiretahs  are 
astonished.  26.  The  battle  beginneth  on  the  third  day. 
27.  He-w-hell,  a  PhiretahCaptain,  blasphemeth.  31.  Rob- 
butleeh  renetveth  the  battle.  33.  But  the  Army  of  Un- 
culpsalm  is  victorious.  38.  And  Robbutleeh  Jleeth  back 
into  Pharjinnee. 

NOW,  when  Robbutleeh  marched  north 
ward  into  the  province  which  is  called 
the  land  of  Mary,  Joseph  of  Kalaphorni,  whom 
Robbutleeh  had  driven  out  of  the  Wilderness 
of  Pharjinnee,  was  yet  chief  captain  of  the 
army  of  Unculpsalm,  which  aforetime  had 
been  led  by  Litulmak  the  unready,  and  by 
John  the  boaster,  and  by  Ambrose  the  faith 
ful. 

2.  And  this  army  was  an  army  of  chosen 
men,  and  valiant,  which  had  borne  the  heat 
and  burden  of  the  war,  and  which  had  been 
thrice  turned  back  with  great  slaughter,  but 
could  not  be  conquered,  no,  not  even  by  ca 
lamity. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  IOI 

3.  And  Joseph  of  Kalaphorni  was  a  valiant 
man,    and  a   trusty.     And   when   Robbutleeh 
marched  northward,  Joseph  marched  after  him 
to  give  him  battle. 

4.  But,  so  it  was  that  Joseph  saw  that  Abra 
ham's  counsellors  of  war  distrusted  him,  because 
that  he  had  been  driven  out  of  the  Wilderness 
of  Pharjinnee,  and  that  they  worked  not  with 
him  to  obtain  the  victory.     And  he  said,  What 
am  I,  that  my  honor  and  my  glory  should  peril 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm  ?    Let  another  be  made 
chief  captain  in  my  place  ;  and  let  me  be  a  sol 
dier  in  the  armies  of  my  country. 

5.  And  Abraham  and  his  counsellors  made 
George  the  Mede  chief  captain  in  the  place  of 
Joseph. 

6.  Now  George  the  Mede  was  of  the  city 
of  the  Cooacres.     And  he  was  a  meek  man, 
and  had  been  for  a  long  time  a  captain  in  the 
armies  of  Unculpsalm,  serving  faithfully  and 
eschewing  flatterers.     And  the  people  of  Un 
culpsalm,  save  his  own  soldiers,  the  Cooacres 
of  the  province  of  Tschaddbelhee,  knew  not  his 
name. 

7.  Wherefore  the  land  was  astonished,  and 
trembled    when   it   saw    that   he   was    set  up 
against  Robbutleeh,  who  had  discomfited  Lit- 
ulmak,   and  John  the   boaster,   and  Ambrose 
the  faithful,  and  Joseph  of  Kalaphorni. 

8.  But  the   Kopur-hedds   rejoiced   in   their 


IO2  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

hearts,  and  said  within  themselves,  Now  shall 
the  armies  of  Abraham  be  utterly  put  to  rout 
by  Robbutleeh,  and  the  people  will  say,  Abra 
ham  is  unfit  to  rule  Qver  us. 

9.  And  the  scribes  of  the  Kopur-hedds  wrote 
in  the  books  which  they  sent  out  day  by  day, 
such  things  as  would  prepare  the  people  for  the 
defeat  of  George  the  Mede,  and  the  destruction 
of  the  government  of  Unculpsalm. 

10.  And  George  the  Mede  said,  Who  am  I, 
that  this  great  office  should  be  laid  upon  me  ? 
But  he  halted  not,  neither  doubted,  but  marched 
straight  forward  by  swift  marches  upon  Rob 
butleeh. 

11.  And  when  Robbutleeh  heard  that  the 
army  of  the  langkies  was   marching   against 
him  (for  so  the  Tshivulree  called  all  the  men 
of  Unculpsalm  who  did  not  buy  and  sell  the 
Niggah,  and  get  their  bread  by  the  sweat  of 
his  face) ,  and  that  George  the  Mede  was  its 
chief  captain, 

12.  He  said,  What  be  these  langkies,  that 
they  dare  to  withstand  their  masters  ?  and  who 
is  this  Mede,  that  he  cometh  with  a  thrice  de 
feated  army  between  me  and  my  great  purpose  ? 
Behold,  I  will  scatter  him  and  his  host  to  the 
four  winds  of  heaven,  and  give  their  flesh  to 
the  fowls  of  the  air  and  the  beasts  of  the  field, 
and  they  shall  perish  from  off  the  earth,  and 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  IQ3 

the  land  of  Unculpsalm  shall  be  purged  of  the 
langkies  and  their  rule  forever. 

13.  Likewise  also  said  the  other  captains  of 
his  host ;  for  such  had  been  the  manner  of  the 
Tshivulree  from  the  beginning. 

14.  And  Robbutleeh  called  his  army  together 
from  the  cities  of  Tshaddbelhee  round  about,  a 
mighty  host,   to  fall  upon  George  the  Mede 
suddenly,  and  destroy  him.     For  the  host  of 
Unculpsalm  was  scattered,  and  weary  by  rea 
son  of  its  long  marching  ;  and  Robbutleeh  said, 
I  shall  fall  upon  it  piecemeal,  and  grind  it  to 
powder. 

15.  And  George  the  Mede  saw  that  the  bat 
tle  drew  nigh,  and  that  the  host  of  the  Phiretahs 
was  greater  than  the  army  of  Unculpsalm,  and 
that  those  were  rested,  and  well  fed  and  high 
hearted,  because  they  had  come  together  by 
short  marches,  and  that  they  were  puffed  up 
with  conceit  of  the  might  of  their  valor ;  and 
that  these  were  weary  and  worn  with  the  length 
of  the  way  and  with  watching,  and  that  they 
remembered  how  they  had  three  times  turned 
back  before  the  sword  of  Robbutleeh. 

1 6.  So  he  made  a  proclamation  to  all  the 
captains  of  his  host,  even  the  captains  of  hun 
dreds  and  the  captains  of  fifties,  saying, 

17.  Speak  unto  the  men,  and  say  unto  them, 
The  hour  of  deliverance  or  captivity  is  at  hand. 
Choose  ye,  therefore,  whether  this  nation  shall 


IO4  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

be  destroyed,  or  whether  it  shall  be  saved  by 
the  might  of  your  arms  and  the  stoutness  of  your 
courage.  Choose  ye,  whether  ye  will  live  or 
die  for  this  land  in  honor,  or  die  before  your 
people  in  dishonor.  For  as  I  live,  he  that  turn- 
eth  his  back  this  day,  shall  be  slain  by  them  of 
his  own  company.  Behold,  the  hearts  of  all 
this  people  are  stayed  upon  you,  and  ye  fight 
each  one  of  you  for  a  thousand,  for  your  fath 
ers,  and  your  brethren,  and  your  wives,  and 
your  little  ones.  Be  valiant,  therefore,  as  ye 
have  before  been  valiant,  and  ye  shall  be  wor 
thy  of  the  victory. 

1 8.  But  George  the  Mede  promised  them  not 
the  victory,  neither  boasted  he  of  what  he  would 
accomplish. 

19.  And  so  it  was,  that  as  the  men  marched 
swiftly  through  the  darkness  before  the  dawn, 
they  communed  together  with  low  voices   in 
their  ranks,  and  said  one  to  another,  Let  us  die 
together  this  day,  my  brother,  but  let  us  not 
turn  back.     And  afterward  they  were  silent, 
and   their   hearts   went   homeward,   and   they 
said  within  themselves,  God  help  us,  and  this 
people. 

20.  And  it  came  to  pass,  that  as  the  van 
guard  of  the  army  of  George  the  Mede  pressed 
forward,  and  got  far  before  the  main  body,  the 
host  of  the  Phiretahs  fell  upon  it  in  great  num 
bers,  and  drove  it  back,  and  its  captain  was 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  IO5 

slain.  But  it  fled  not,  but  went  backward 
fighting,  so  that  the  Phiretahs  left  pursuing. 
And  they  pitched  a  camp,  and  fortified  it 
in  the  burial-ground  of  a  city  called  Gettings- 
burg. 

21.  For  in  the  language  of  that  land  burg 
meaneth  a  city ;  and  the  men  of  this  city  were 
altogether  occupied  in  getting,  even  in  getting 
gelt,  so  that  for  the  honor  and  the  glory  and 
the  freedom  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  cared 
they  nothing.    Wherefore  their  city  was  called 
Gettingsburg. 

22.  Yet  was  there  one  man  of  Gettingsburg, 
a  poor  man,  who  took  his  weapons  and  went 
out  to  fight  the  Phiretahs. 

23.  And  on  the  morrow,  Robbutleeh  set  his 
army  in   battle    array  to    attack  the   army  of 
George  the  Mede  before  it  was  well  brought 
together.     And  about  the  fourth  hour  of  the 
evening  he  came  down  upon  the  men  of  Uncul 
psalm  with  all  his  host,  and  fell  furiously  upon 
them,  and  there  was  great  slaughter.    And  the 
men   of  Unculpsalm   were   outnumbered;  yet 

VER.  22.  As  there  was  one  just  man  in  Sodom,  so  there 
appears  to  have  been  one  brave  and  faithful  in  Gettings 
burg.  And  so  in  our  own  day,  when  General  Lee  suffered 
his  defeat  in  Pennsylvania,  there  was  one  humble  man, 
who  lived  in  the  town  near  which  the  battle  took  place, 
who  fought  for  his  country  and  his  flag.  His  name  was 
John  Burns.  But  our  author  has  not  given  the  name  of 
him  who  fought  at  the  battle  which  he  describes. 


106  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

fought  they  valiantly,  and  slew  of  their  enemies 
more  than  there  fell  of  themselves.  And  they 
went  a  little  backward  fighting,  and  the  Phi- 
retahs  followed  hard  after. 

24.  Then    came   up    succor,    even    a   great 
company  of  the   army  of  George  the  Mede, 
which  had  been  marching  all  the  night,  and 
which  now  moved  swiftly  toward  the  noise  of 
the  battle.     And  they  came  up  running,  and 
went  into  the  fight  without  halting.     Then  the 
men  of  Unculpsalm  stood  fast  again,  and  drove 
the  Phiretahs  backward.     And  this  was  about 
the  going  down  of  the  sun. 

25.  And  the  Phiretahs  and  the  captains  of 
the   Tshivulree    wondered,    and    said    among 
themselves,  Who  is  this  George  the  Mede,  that 
he  thus  withstandeth   the    great  Robbutleeh? 
and  what  men  be  these  that  do  battle  under' 
him?     Is  this   the   host  that  was  to  flee  like 
sheep  before  us  ?    Yet  they  were  not  dismayed ; 
for  although  they  were  boasters,  yet  were  they 
valiant.     And  they  looked  anxiously  for  the 
morrow. 

26.  And  early  in  the  morning,  while  it  was 
yet  dawning,  the  host  of  the  Phiretahs  was  set 
in  battle  array  and  marched  quickly  upon  the 
host   of    Unculpsalm,    even    upon    one    wing 
thereof.     For   they  said,   So    shall   we    crush 
them  unawares.     But  the  men  of  Unculpsalm 
fell  back   a  little,  fighting,   and  George  the 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  IO7 

Mede  sent  them  succor,  and  again  they  stood 
fast,  and  drove  the  Phiretahs  before  them  with 
great  slaughter. 

27.  Then  were  the  captains  of  the  Phiretahs 
perplexed    in    their    souls,    and    waxed   very 
wroth.     And  one  of  them,  a  man  of  blood  who 
was  possessed  of  the  evil  spirit  Blustafh,  and 
which  was  called  of  the  men  of  Jonbool  Hew- 
hell,  took  an  oath  in  the  name  of  his  god,  and 
blasphemed  after  the  manner  of  the  Phiretahs, 
and  swore  that  he  would  break  through  the 
ranks  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  that  day. 

28.  And  Robbutleeh  sent  unto  George  the 
Mede,  saying,  Let  there  be  peace  between  us 
for  a  time,  that  I  may  bury  my  dead  and  that 
we    may   restore    to   each   other    our    prison 
ers. 

29.  And  George  the  Mede   sent  back  the 
messenger,  saying,  There  cannot  be  peace  be 
tween  thee  and  me.    For  thy  dead,  I  will  bury 
them  even  as  my  own,  and  my  men  whom  thou 
hast  taken  I  mean  to  take  from  thee  again. 
For  he  saw  the  craft  of  Robbutleeh,  that  he 
would  have  given  up  the  battle  and  escaped, 
even   as   he   had  done  aforetime   with   Litul- 
mak. 

30.  Then  was  Robbutleeh  astonished  at  the 
subtlety  and   at  the  boldness  of    George  the 
Mede,   and  he   addressed   his  army  again  to 
battle,  for  he  saw  that  his  case  was  desperate. 


108      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

And  he  set  all  his  men  in  array  with  their  ban 
ners,  and  marched  them  forward  with  pomp 
and  great  majesty,  even  as  on  a  feast-day.  In 
two  ranks  they  marched,  so  that  the  second 
might  finish  the  work  which  the  first  begun. 
For  still  they  were  confident  and  high-hearted. 

31.  And  they  went  forward  in  order,  terrible 
and  beautiful,  shouting  as  they  went.     But  the 
men  of  Unculpsalm  answered  them  not;  for 
the  footmen  all  lay  flat  upon  the  ground,  and 
the  horsemen   and  they  that  worked  the  great 
engines  of  fire  held  their  peace  craftily. 

32.  And  when  the  first  ranks  of  the    Phi- 
retahs  came  near,  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  rose 
and  fell  upon  them ;    and  the  two  fought  to 
gether,  but  neither  prevailed.     Yet  fell  there 
more  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  for  they  were 
outnumbered,   and  the  Phiretahs  were  valiant 
and  had  waxed  desperate. 

33.  Then  came  on  the  second  ranks  of  the 
Phiretahs,  running  fiercely  upon  the  remnant 
of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  who  fell  where  they 
stood  in  their  ranks  or  went  backward  fighting. 
But  so  it  was  that  when  the  Phiretahs  looked 
to  fall  upon  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  and  put 
them  all  to  the  sword,  the  engines  of  George 
the  Mede  poured  out  fire  upon  them,  and  out  of 
the  fire  came  thunderings  and  bolts  of  iron  that 
swept  away  the  foremost  of  their  second  array, 
and  of  the  residue  some  fled  backward,  and 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  109 

some  threw  themselves  down  upon  the  ground 
and  gave  themselves  prisoners.  For  they  saw 
that  they  could  not  pass  into  that  fire  and  live. 
And  they  said  one  to  another,  Behold,  we  be 
all  dead  men.  And  again  this  was  about  the 
going  down  of  the  sun. 

34.  And  all  the  night  George  the  Mede  made 
ready  to  pursue  the  Phiretahs  in  the  morning. 

35.  But  when  Robbutleeh  looked  upon  the 
field  he  saw  that  the  day  was  lost,  and  that  if 
he  tarried  until  the  morning  he  would  be  de 
stroyed  and  cut  oft'.     So  he  gathered  his  army 
together  and  fled  in  the  night  (for  he  was  a 
wary  man  and  a  prudent)  ;  and  in  the  morning 
the  men  of  Unculpsalm  found  that  their  enemies 
had  vanished  away  from  before  them. 

36.  Then  they  pursued  the  host  of  the    Phi 
retahs,  but  they  could  not  come  up  with  them  ; 
for  those  had  the  start  of  these,  and  both  alike 
were  weary  and  suffering  from  the  battle. 

37.  So  the  Phiretah  captain  who  was  called 
of  the  men  of  Jonbool   Hew-hell,   brake  not 
through  the  ranks  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm, 
in  spite  of  his  oaths  and  his  blasphemies,  nor 
did  he  wait  to  receive  from  the  men  of  lawrc 
the  rest  of  the  money  and  the  corn  and  the 
unmentionable  raiment,  neither  did  he  sojourn 
in  the  city  which  is  called  after  the  name  of 
Hagar,   the   concubine  of  Abraham,   but  gat 
him  out  of  it  speedily.     And  George  the  Mede 

10 


IIO  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

and  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  pursued  after  him. 
And  this  was  the  end  of  his  oaths  and  of  his 
boasting  and  of  his  respecting  of  private  prop 
erty. 

38.  So  Robbutleeh  fled  back  again  into  the 
land  of  Pharjinnee. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  Ill 


CHAPTER  IV. 

I.  The  victory  is  noised  abroad.  2.  The  Kopur-hedds  are 
dismayed.  7.  See  -  More  becometh  Seemer.  9.  The 
Kopur-hedds  take  counsel  in  their  extremity.  10. 
Assohkald  Eddittah.  II.  Phernandiivitd  cometh  not  to 
the  Assembly.  27.  A  day  of  fasting  and  prayer.  28. 
Which  pleaseth  not  Hiram  the  publican.  29.  The  king 
of  the  Pahlivoos.  36.  The  Knsuwutivs.  40.  Knsuwu- 
tiv  rezzleooshns.  46.  Benjamin  proposeth  to  sell  Assoh 
kald  Eddittah.  52.  The  assembly  cometh  to  naught. 
54.  Ulysses  taketh  Wickedsburg.  Nathaniel  taketh  an 
other  city.  71.  Wherefore  Phernandi'wud  proposeth  a 
neiv  ministration  of  the  Gospel  of  Peace. 

AND  on  the  next  day,  which  was  the  fourth 
day  of  the  seventh  month,  which  was 
held  as  a  solemn  festival  in  memory  of  the  de 
liverance  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  from  the 
king  of  the  land  of  Jonbool,  this  was  noised 
throughout  all  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

VER.  i.  That  great  scholar  and  statist,  Dr.  Hobvius  Trite, 
at  the  close  of  a  note  of  remarkable  profundity  and  length, 
which  he  kindly  addressed  to  me,  remarks  that  "  from  the 
reasons  thus  briefly  indicated  it  may  safely  be  surmised 
that  the  festival  here  mentioned  fell  upon  the  fourth  day  of 
July ;  "  but  whether  the  old  style  or  the  new  my  learned  cor 
respondent  does  not  say.  To  dispute  with  Dr.  Trite  is 
dangerous ;  and  I  shall  not  question  the  correctness  of  his 
ingenious  conjecture. 


112  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

2.  And   the   Kopur-hedds   were   astonished 
and  dismayed ;  but  all  the  rest  of  the  men  of 
Unculpsalm,  even  of  the  Dimmichrats,  rejoiced 
greatly.     For  they  said,  Behold  the  end  of  this 
war  beginneth  to  appear ;  and  now  we  see  hope 
that   this   nation    shall   not  be    destroyed  and 
brought  to  naught. 

3.  Likewise  were  all  they  of  the  merchants 
of  Gotham  and   of  Cooacre  city,   and  of  the 
new  Athens,  which  cared  not  more  for  their 
gain  than  for  the  freedom  and  honor  of  their 
nation,  exceeding  glad,  and  the  noble  army  of 
Counteractors  in  the  province  of  Tschaddbel- 
hee,  which  did   continually  praise   Abraham, 
were  triumphant,  and  the  people  of  the  city  of 
Swine-sin-naught}'  gave  themselves   yet  more 
unto  the   slaying   and   eating  of  the  unclean 
beast,  and  making  ready  for  the  armies  of  Un 
culpsalm  to  eat,  until   their   faces  shone  and 
their  eyes  stood  out  with  fatness. 

4.  And  Augustus  the  money-changer  and  all 
they  of  the  circumcision  which  were  of  his  fac 
tion  were  wroth  and  said,  Behold  the  abomina 
tion  which  followeth  the  victories  of  the  armies 
of  Unculpsalm. 

5 .  And  likewise  on  that  day  the  Kopur-hedds 
and   certain   other  of  the   Dimmichrats   were 
gathered  together  in  the  great  hall  of  the  men- 
singers  and  women-singers  of  Gotham,  which 
sang  unto  the  Gothamites  music  that  they  com- 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     113 

prehended  not,  in  a  language  that  they  under 
stood  not,  that  the  governor  of  the  province 
might  make  a  speech  unto  them. 

6.  And  he  spake  unto  them,  and  said  many 
things,  which  indeed  were  one  thing  in  many 
shapes,  to  wit,  that  Abraham  and  his  counsel 
lors  were  tyrants,  that  Clement  and  the  others 
of  his  sort  whom  the  officers  of  Abraham  had 
taken  in  custody  were  martyrs,  that  the    Phi- 
retahs  should  be  compromised  unto,  and  that  the 
land  was  the  inheritance  of  the  Dimmichrats. 
But  he  condemned  not  them  who  set  at  naught 
the  Great  Covenant  by  making  \var  upon  the 
rulers  of  the  land,  neither  stirred  he  up  any 
man  to  strive  for  the  honor  and  the  glory  and 
the  freedom  of  the  land,  nor  spake  he  one  word 
of  cheer  or  of  thankfulness  for  the  victory  of 
George  the  Mede  which  filled  the  land  with  joy 
on  that  great  day  of  the  nation. 

7.  And  from  that  day,  because  of  his  speech, 
and  because  he  yet  made  great  pretence  of  love 
unto  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  they  that  were 
not  Kopur-hedds  or  Pahdees  called  him  not 
See-More    or   Say-More,   but   Seemer.      For 
they  said,  He  would  seem  to  be  that  \vhich  he 
is  not. 

8.  Likewise    also   did    Phernandiwud,    and 
Benjamin  the  Scribe,  and  all  the  straitest  of 
the  sect  of  the  new  gospel  of  peace.     For  they 
said,  He  speak eth  writh  us,  yet  he  striveth  also 

10* 


114     THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

for  the  friendship  of  them  who  prefer  war  and 
the  nation  to  peace  and  the  everlasting  Niggah. 
Behold,  he  is  a  seemer  and  not  a  doer.  Where 
fore  his  name  thereafter  became  Seemer. 

9.  And   soon   after    the   chief  men   of  the 
Kopur-hedds  met  together  in  Gotham  to  see 
what  they  should  do ;  for  they  were  in  great 
extremity.      And  they  came  sorrowfully   and 
with  their  countenances  cast  down,  all  of  them. 
And  they  that  were  of  this  assembly  were  only 
they  that   had   embraced  the  new  gospel  of 
peace. 

10.  And  they  suffered  among  them  Assohkald 
Eddittah  the  scribe,  who,  to  gain  the  World, 
had  lost  his  own  soul. 

11.  Now  they  suffered  him  to  come  among 
them  because  they  had  bought  him  to  use  him 
as  they  would,  to  publish  their  doctrine  to  the 
people   of  Gotham.      For   aforetime   he    had 
sought  to  make  himself  serviceable  unto  Abra 
ham  and  his  counsellors,  but  they  regarded  him 
not. 

1 2 .  Wherefore  he  said  unto  the  Kopur-hedds, 
Buy  me,  and  I  will  serve  you.    And  they  bought 
him. 

13.  And  Augustus  the  money-changer  lent 
the  money  wherewithal  to  buy  him.     For  he 
said,  Mayhap  the  gospel  of  peace  shall  prevail 

VER.  10.  Assokkald  Eddittah.     See  note  B  at  the  end  of 
this  book. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


throughout  the  land  ;  and  then  may  Assohkald 
Eddittah  change  his  name,  even  as  I  have  done, 
like  unto  my  forefathers,  and  become  Areel 
Eddittah.  Then  shall  I  own  Areel  Eddittah  ; 
and  he  shall  write  that  which  shall  make  a 
market  for  my  moneys,  and  I  shall  receive 
mine  own  with  usury.  Thus  was  it  that  the 
chief  men  of  the  Kopur-hedds  suffered  Assoh 
kald  Eddittah  among  them. 

14.  But  Phernandiwud   came  not  into  this 
assembly. 

15.  For  there  was  variance  between  Pher 
nandiwud  and  the  men  of  Tahmunee,  and  be 
tween  Phernandiwud  and  some  of  the  chief 
men  of  the  Kopur-hedds.     Because  Phernan 
diwud  had  claimed  for  the  men  of  his  following 
the  chief  offices  in  the  city  of  Gotham  and  in 
the  province  of  Gotham. 

16.  And  many  had  been  given  unto  them, 
but  he  claimed  yet  the  more.     And  of  them 
that  received  the  places  many  got  only  a  part 
of  the  wages  thereof.    And  when  it  was  brought 
before  the  judges  no  man  could  tell  what  was 
become  of  the  residue. 

17.  But  the  men  of  Tahmunee  said,  Perad- 
venture  Phernandiwud,  he  knoweth  ;    for  his 
walk  is  slantindicular.     And  when  they  said 
peradventure,  they  thrust  the  tongue  into  the 
cheek  and  pointed  with  the  thumb  over  the  left 
shoulder.     For  such  is  the  manner  of  the  men 
of  Tahmunee. 


Il6  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

1 8.  Wherefore  Phernandiwud  came  not  into 
this  assembly.     Yet  he  was  not  cast  down  but 
rejoiced  in  secret ;  for  he  said,  Behold,  there  are 
but  two  ways  in  this  matter ;  and  the  way  of 
Abraham  is  one  way,  and  my  way  is  another. 
For  he  was  a  crafty  man,  and  wise  in  his  gen 
eration. 

19.  And  when  the  chief  men  of  the  Kopur- 
hedds  saw  that  they  were  all  assembled,  they 
shut  to  the  door  and  sat  down  to  take  counsel 
together. 

20.  And  each  man  turned  to  his  neighbor 
and  looked  that  he  should  have  spoken.     But 
no  man  spake ;  for  their  hearts  were  troubled 
and  they  were  sorely  perplexed.     And  silence 
fell  upon  them. 

2 1 .  But  after  a  long  time  the  chief  man  among 
them  arose  and  said,  My  brethren,  our  case  is 
very  desperate.     Had  the  Lord  pleased  to  de 
feat  the  army  of  George  the  Mede,  we  were 
prepared    therefor,    and    could    have    meekly 
borne  that  dispensation. 

22.  In  defeat  we  could  have  found  some  com 
fort  ;  but  what  can  we  do  with  victory  ?     And 
he  sat  down. 

23.  Then  each  man  turned  to  his  neighbor 
and  said,  What  can  we  do  with  victory?     But 
no  man  answered.     And  again  great  silence 
fell  upon  them ;   and  they  looked  vainly  each 
in  the  face  of  the  other. 


THE    NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  1 17 

24.  Then  arose  a  scribe  whose  surname  was 
Primus  (not  he  whose  beard  was  like  Aaron's, 
and  who  dwelt  among  the  merchants),  and  he 
opened  his  mouth  and  said, 

25.  For  the  wickedness  and  the  iniquity  of 
this  people  we  do  suffer  victory  this  day,  in  that 
they  have  listened  unto  the  ministers  of  Beelze 
bub,  who  preached  deliverance  to  the  captive, 
and  have  declared  that  no  more  of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  shall  be  blessed  with  slaves,  and 
in  the  perversity  of  their  hearts  and  the  wicked 
ness  of  their  imaginations  have  sought  to  take 
away  the  everlasting  Niggah. 

26.  Yea,  verily,  and  have  gone  after  strange 
gods,  honoring  Charles  the  Summoner  rather 
than  Prestenbruux,  and  Philip  of  Athens  rather 
than  Isaiah  the  Hittite,  who  is  a  man  of  peace 
and   who  loveth  free  speech ;    and  moreover 
have  fought  foolishly  that  their  nation  might 
not  be  destroyed,  as  it  deserved  to  be  for  all 
their  transgressions. 

27.  Wherefore  let  there  be  a  day  appointed 
of  fasting,   of  humiliation,    and  of  prayer,   to 
make  atonement  for  the  sins  of  this  people,  and 
peradventure  it  shall  be  that  their  iniquity  shall 
be  forgiven,  and  that  there  shall  no  more  griev 
ous  victories  afflict  the  land. 

28.  And  again  there  was  silence  for  a  little 
while,  and  then  there  was  heard  a  voice  (and 
it  was  the  voice  of  Hiram  the  publican),  saying, 


Il8  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

Let  not  the  people  fast,  for  it  is  unprofitable. 
Let  there  be  humiliation  and  prayer ;  for  after 
humiliation  men  need  wine  to  make  their  hearts 
glad  again  ;  and  he  that  prayeth  thirsteth.  But 
fasting  is  an  oppression  unto  me,  and  moreover 
we  shall  offend  them  that  sell  meat  in  Gotham, 
and  the  people  of  Swine-sin-naughty,  so  that 
they  shall  turn  away  from  Jeph  and  serve  Abra 
ham.  So  they  consented  not  to  this  counsel. 

29.  Then  arose  another,  who  said,  Can  we 
not   entreat  the  king  of  the  Pahlivoos,   Nah 
Pohlion,  whom  all  the  world  feareth,  to  help 
us,  even  as  he  hath  helped  the  people  of  Mec- 
sichoh  ?     For  he  hath  sent  an  army  into  Mecsi- 
choh,   and  he  hath  overcome   the   people  of 
Mecsichoh,    and   hath    driven   out    the   rulers 
whom  they  had  chosen,  and  put  to  the  sword 
all  them  that  resisted  him,  and  unto  them  that 
submitted  to  him  and  compromised  themselves 
unto  him  he  hath  been  gracious  and  hath  given 
them  offices. 

30.  Might  we  not  then  compromise  ourselves 
unto  him,  and  win  him  to  enter  our  land  with 
an  army  ?  and  then  might  he  join  himself  unto 
our  friends  the  Phiretahs,  and  be  victorious  over 
the  armies  of  Unculpsalm,  and  drive  out  the 
rulers   which   the   men   of  Unculpsalm    have 
chosen,  even  Abraham  and  his  counsellors,  and 
be  gracious  unto  us,  and  give  offices  unto  us, 
as  it  hath  been  in  Mecsichoh,  and  so  should 
we  attain  unto  our  hearts'  desire. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  119 

31.  But  Elijah,  who  smelleth  the  battle  afar 
off  in  the  tents  of  Tahmnnee,   answered  and 
said,  Thou  speakest  even  as  a  fool  speaketh. 
This  people  feareth  not  the  king  of  the  Pahli- 
voos ;  for  the  men  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm 
are  not  as  the  men  of  Mecsichoh. 

32.  Moreover,    they   know   that   he   is   the 
nephew  of  his  uncle,  and  that  he  hath  sworn 
to  do  in  all  things  even  as  his  uncle.     And  did 
not  his  uncle  bone  a  part  of  every  land  wherein 
he  entered?     Think   ye   that  this  people  will 
suffer  the  king   of   the   Pahlivoos  to  do  this 
thing  ? 

33.  (Now  to  bone,  being  interpreted,  is  to 
rob,  and  to  rob  land  is  the  speech  of  the  men 
of  Jonbool,  to  colonize,  and  in  the  speech  of 
the  men  of  Unculpsalm,   though  they  be  the 
same  tongue,  to  annex.) 

34.  And  Elijah  spake  thus  ;  for  because  that 
he  was  not  a  Kopur-hedd.     Yet  they  admitted 
him  to  their  council ;  for  he  was  a  great  man 
among  the  Dimmichrats,  and  they  feared  him. 

35.  Moreover   they  remembered  the  wrath 
of  the  people  against  them  when  they  went 
privily  unto  the  ambassador  of  the  land  of  Jon 
bool  that  he  might  help  them  to  bring  about 
the  ceasing  of  the  war  without  the  putting  down 
of  the  rebellion.     And  they  said,   Alas !    this 
may  not  be,  and  we  cannot  ask  the  king  of  the 
Pahlivoos  to  help  our  friends  the  Phiretahs  with 


I2O  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

an  army.  For  this  people  is  a  stiff-necked 
people,  and  daily  more  and  more  it  is  given 
over  unto  the  accursed  spirit  Bak  Bohn,  so  that 
it  will  not  suffer  the  kings  of  other  nations  to 
help  us.  And  our  scribes  must  no  more  praise 
the  doings  of  the  king  of  the  Pahlivoos  in 
Mecsichoh,  as  they  have  done  thus  far,  or  we 
shall  destroy  our  faction. 

36.  Then  arose  another  which  was  a  chief 
man  among  the  sect  which  called  themselves 
Knsuvvutivs. 

37.  Now  the  Knsuvvutivs  were  they,  which, 
when  they  had  got  into  hot  water,  stayed  there 
that  they  might  not  be  scalded. 

38.  And  there  have  been  Knsuvvutivs  from 
the  beginning  of  the  world,  yea,  though  they 
have  all  been  scalded ;  and  there  shall  be  for 
ever  ;   and  they  will  remain  in  hot  water  and 
suffer  no  man  to  pluck  them  out  thereof. 

39.  And  this  Knsuvvutiv  opened  his  mouth 
and  said,  It  is  because  this  war  is  not  waged 
according  to  the  doctrine  of  the  Knsuvvutivs 
that  we  are  afflicted  with  this  grievous  victory 
this  day,  and  because  Abraham  and  his  counsel 
lors  and  the  men  of  their  inclining  do  contin 
ually  struggle  and  strive  to  get  out  of  hot  water 
when  they  ought  to  remain  quietly  therein. 

40.  Now,  therefore,  let  there  be  rezzleooshns 
issued   according   unto    the    doctrine    of    the 
Knsuvvutivs, 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  121 

41 .  (For  it  was  the  custom  of  the  men  of, 
Unculpsalm,  when  they  were  not  sure  that  that 
which  they  desired  was  so,  to  declare  solemnly 
that  it  was  so ;  and  this  they  called  a  rezzleoo- 
shn.) 

42.  And  let  the  rezzleooshns  be  two.     And 
let  the  first  rezzleooshn  be,  That  this  people  is 
a  Knsuvvutiv  people,  and  that  the  Knsuvvutivs 
are  in  favor  of  the  war. 

43.  And  let  the  second  rezzleooshn  be,  That 
the  Knsuvvutivs  are  opposed  to  all  means  of 
carrying  on  the  war. 

44.  So  shall  the  doctrine  of  the  Knsuvvutivs 
prevail ;  and  the  war  shall  be  conducted  ac 
cording  to  the  doctrine  of  the  Knsuvvutivs,  and 
we  shall  remain  in  our  hot  water,  and  no  more 
grievous  victories    shall  afflict  the  land. 

45.  And  this  counsel  was  well  pleasing  unto 
the  assembly ;  which,  being  immediately  filled 
with  the  spirit  of  Knsuvvutism,  sat  still  and  did 
nothing. 

46.  But  Benjamin  the  scribe,  the  brother  of 
Phernandiwud,  felt  that  he  was  in  hot  water, 
he  and  his  faction ;  and  he  was  not  yet  suffi 
ciently  a  Knsuvvutiv  to  remain  therein.     So  he 
opened  his  mouth  and  said, 

47.  Behold,  this  nation  is  in  great  peril  of 
salvation,  and  the  case  is  desperate,  and  some 
thing   must   be   done.     Let   us   therefore   sell 

Assohkald  Eddittah  unto  Abraham  the  honest 
11 


122  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

and  to  his  counsellors,  and  let  him  serve  them 
and  George  the  Mede,  even  as  he  hath  served 
Jeph  the  Repudiator  and  Robbutleeh,  and  may 
hap  this  sore  calamity  may  be  averted. 

48.  And   when   Assohkald   Eddittah   heard 
that  there  was  question  of  somebody  buying 
him,  he  arose  quickly  and  said,  Yea,  verily, 
let  Abraham  and  his  counsellors  buy  thy  ser 
vant;    for  the  case  of  this  nation  and  of  thy 
servant  is  desperate.    Yet  Augustus  the  money 
changer,  and  Hiram  the  publican,  and  Samuel, 
whose  surname  is  Brinnzmayd,  must  be  content 
to  lose  thereby.     For  because  that  his  case  is 
desperate  thy  servant  will  sell  himself  cheap, 
yea,  even  cheaper  than  he  did  aforetime. 

49.  Then  Benjamin  the  scribe  was  wroth, 
and  arose  and  said,  How  is  this  that  thou  wilt 
sell  thyself  cheaper?     Didst  thou  not  sell  thy 
soul   for   promise  of  the  World?     Could  less 
have  been  given  or  less  have  been  received? 
(For  he  was  a  just  man  and  a  holy,  and  es 
chewed  the  World,  the  Flesh,  and  the  Devil.) 

VER.  49.  The  World,  the  Flesh,  and  the  Devil.  This  lan 
guage  is  plainly  figurative,  and  was  applied  by  the  people 
of  Gotham  to  three  eminent  scribes  of  that  city,  or  to  their 
works.  As  to  the  application  of  the  first  and  the  last,  there 
appears  to  be  no  ground  of  dispute.  The  first  was  Asso- 
kald  Edditah,  the  last  Ben  Hit  who  is  afterward  mentioned. 
But  there  appears  to  have  been  some  doubt  whether  the 
second  meant  Horatius  or  Ennerhee  whose  surname  was 
Ramehund,  who  became  one  of  the  lawgivers  of  Uncul- 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  123 

Go  to,  now ;  have  I  not  bought  thee  and  sold 
thee,  and  do  I  not  know  thy  value  and  thy 
price  ? 

50.  Then  was  Assohkald  Eddittah  cast  down, 
and  shrank  within  himself.    But  Samuel,  whose 
surname  was  Brinnzmayd  (it  was  he  who  min 
istered  unto  the  Phiretah  woman  and  showed 
her   the    nakedness  of  the   land),  took   com 
passion  on  him,  and  went  to  him,   and  said 
unto  him  :    Be  comforted  :     Thou  canst  not  be 
sold  again,   for  Abraham  will  not  buy  thee, 
neither  will   his    counsellors,   nor  George  the 
Mede.   But  thou  shalt  still  be  Assohkald  Eddit 
tah,  and  mayhap  thou  mayest  become  Areel 
Eddittah  ;  and  thou  shalt  have  thy  wages. 

51.  And  when  he  heard  that  he  should  have 
his  wages  he  was  comforted,  and  he  thought 
that  the  calamity  had  passed  away  from  the 
nation.     But  after  that  no  man  regarded  him. 

52.  And   it   came    to   pass   that    after   this 
assembly  had  continued  a  long  while,  and  the 
Kopur-hedds  had  taken  much  counsel  together, 
they  came  to  no  conclusion ;  for  their  devices 
slipped   from    them    even    as   water    slippeth 

psalm.  At  this  distant  period  of  time  it  is  impossible,  and 
perhaps  not  important,  to  decide  this  question.  Brown 
and  Jones,  however,  incline  to  the  latter  supposition,  Rob 
inson  to  the  former.  The  learned  Dr.  Trite,  at  the  end  of 
a  long  note,  reaches  the  conclusion  that  if  it  was  not  one 
or  the  other  it  could  not  have  been  either. 


124  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

through  the  fingers  of  him  that  dippeth  it  with 
his  hand;  and  they  were  in  sore  perplexity. 
And  they  dissolved  the  assembly  until  another 
day,  when  they  hoped  that  wisdom  might  show 
herself  among  them. 

53.  And  when  Phernandiwud  heard  thereof 
he  rejoiced  secretly ;  for  he  said,  Behold,  there 
are  but  two  ways  in  this  matter ;  and  the  way 
of  Abraham  the  honest  is  one  way,  and  the 
way  of  Phernandiwud,  who  walketh  slantindic- 
ularly,  is  the  other  way.     And  he  knew  that  in 
the  end  they  must  admit  him  to  their  councils. 

54.  Now,  at  the  time  when  Phernandiwud 
declared  the  new  gospel  of  peace  unto  the  men 
of  Gotham,  one  of  Abraham's  chief  captains, 
whose  name  was  Ulysses,  but  whom  his  soldiers 
had  called  Unculpsalm,  because  of  the  great 
service  he  had  done  unto  that  land,  had  sat 
down  before  a  city  in  the  south,  and  was  laying 
siege  to  it. 

VER.  54.  One  of  Abraham's  chief  captains,  whose  name 
'was  Ulysses.  Thus  modestly  is  introduced  the  great  soldier 
who,  as  the  narrative  pursues  its  course,  rises  into  the  first 
importance  and  becomes  the  man  who  brings  to  an  end  the 
great  war  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  It  must  be  confessed 
that  at  the  first  blush  the  occurrence  of  this  name  seems  to 
give  some  support  to  the  theory  before  mentioned,  that  this 
book  is  a  modern  fabrication,  having  reference  to  the  events 
of  the  late  civil  war  in  the  United  States,  the  most  distin 
guished  General  in  which  was  Ulysses  Grant.  But  the 
support  topples  at  the  first  touch  of  criticism.  Those  who 
rest  much  upon  it  have  plainly  forgotten  that  one  of  the 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     125 

55.  And  the  name  of  the  city  was  Wickeds- 
burg  ;  for  the  people  thereof  were  men  of  blood, 
and  they  passed  their  time  in  casting  lots  with 
dice  for  gold,  and  in  boasting  for  gold  on  pieces 
of  paper  spotted  with  many  colors,  and  in  dis 
embowelling  each  other  with  knives,   and  in 
slaying  each  other  with  shooting-irons. 

56.  And  this  city  stood  upon  the  great  river 
of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  which  is  called  the 
Father  of  the  Waters,  so  that  ships  could  not 
go  up  or  down  that  river  unless  they  that  dwelt 
in  Wickedsburg  suffered  them. 

57.  And  Ulysses,  which  was  called  Uncul 
psalm,  had  defeated  the  armies  of  the  Phiretahs 
which  withstood  his  march  to  Wickedsburg, 
and   had   scattered   them    abroad,  so  that   he 
marched  up  against  the  town,  and  he  laid  great 
siege  thereto. 

58.  And  the  Phiretahs  boasted  that  the  city 
could  not  be  taken,  after  their  manner ;   and 
Ulysses   took   it,    without   boasting,    after   his 
manner.     And  this  was  also  upon  the  fourth 
day   of  the   seventh    month,    which   was  the 
solemn  festival  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

most  distinguished  leaders  of  the  Greeks,  in  the  Trojan 
war,  was  named  Ulysses.  And  will  it  be  argued  that  there 
fore  this  book  has  for  its  theme  the  same  story  as  that  of 
the  Iliad? — a  much  inferior  composition,  although  it  has 
attained  some  reputation.  Here  is  an  argument  that  can 
not  be  controverted.  The  efforts  of  the  various  critics  are 
very  feeble  upon  this  point. 
11* 


126  THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE. 

59.  And  it  came  to  pass,  that  on  the  day  be 
fore    that    on    which    the     Kopur-hedds    had 
appointed  for   the    assembling   of    themselves 
together  again,  news  was  brought  to  Gotham 
that  Ulysses,  who  was  surnamed  Unculpsalm, 
had  taken  the  city  of  Wickedsburg,  and  that 
the  host   of  the  Phiretahs  therein,  with  their 
arms,  and  their  engines  of  war,  and  all  their 
spoil,  had  fallen  into  his  hands. 

60.  And   again   there   was-  great   rejoicing 
throughout  all  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  save  in 
the  land  of  the   Phiretahs,   so  that  even  the 
Kopur-hedds  rejoiced  with  their  lips,  because 
they  feared  the  people ;  but  in  their  hearts  they 
were  cast  down  and  exceeding  sorrowful. 

61.  And  when  the  chief  men  of  the  Kopur- 
hedds  assembled  themselves  together  to  take 
counsel  as  they  had  appointed,  so  it  was  that 
their  lips  were  sealed  again,  and  they  sat  si 
lently  looking  upon  each  other ;  for  they  were  in 
great  extremity,  and  were  at  their  wits'  end. 
And  after  a  time  they  arose  and  went  out  one 
after  another,  saying  nothing. 

62.  And  they  appointed  yet  another  day  for 
their  assembling.     For  they  said,  Peradventure 
some  disaster  may  yet  be  vouchsafed  unto  us. 

63.  But  it  came  to  pass  that  before  the  day 
of  this  third  assembling  was  come,  another  of 
the  chief  captains  of  Abraham,  whose  name 
was  Nathaniel,  had  taken  another  city,  which 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      127 

was  upon  the  Father  of  the  Waters,  even  the 
city  which  is  called  after  the  great  river  Hut- 
zoon.  And  this  was  the  last  city  which  was 
held  by  the  Phiretahs  on  the  banks  of  -the 
Father  of  the  Waters ;  so  that  after  they  were 
driven  out  therefrom  the  ships  of  the  men  of 
Unculpsalm,  even  their  ships  of  merchandise, 
and  their  ships  of  war,  could  go  up  and  down 
that  river  through  the  whole  length  of  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm. 

64.  And  the  news  thereof  came  quickly  unto 
the  city  of  Gotham ;  and  when  the  chief  me^ 
of  the  Kopur-hedds  assembled  themselves  to 
gether  for  the  third  time,  they  came  as  men 
having  no  hope. 

65.  And  again  they  sat  each  man  looking 
in  the  face  of  his  neighbor,  and  they  said  noth 
ing. 

66.  Then   after  they  had  sat  a  long  while, 
suddenly  there   appeared    among  them  Pher- 
nandiwud,  who  was  not  bidden  unto  their  as 
sembly.     And  they  were  astonished. 

67.  And  Phernandiwud  said  unto  them,  Why 
sit  ye  here  silent,  doing  nothing  ? 

68.  And  looking  up  they  could  answer  him 
but  one  word, 

69.  Knsuvvutiv. 

70.  Then  said  Phernandiwud,  Give  Knsuv- 
vutism  unto  Beelzebub.     Ye  cannot  serve  two 
masters  (for  he  had  searched  the  Scriptures 


128  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

and  found  therein  something  more  to  his  ad 
vantage)  ;  ye  cannot  be  for  the  war  and  against 
the  means  of  carrying  on  the  war.  Ye  cannot 
serve  Jeph  and  Abraham. 

71.  Go  to,   then:    there  needeth  now  a  new 
ministration  of  the  gospel  of  peace,  and  it  shall 
not  be  wanting ;  even  such  a  ministration  as 
there  hath  not  been  before  this  day ;  a  minis 
tration  unto  which  the  ministrations  of  Presten- 
bruux    unto   Charles   the  Summoner,   and   of 
Isaiah  the  Hittite  unto  Philip  of  Athens,  and 
my  ministration  unto  the  watchmen  which  be 
now   the   watchmen   of   Ken  Edee,    were   as 
nothing ;    even  as  Knsuwutism.     Go  to.     Do 
not  the  Pahdees  govern  Gotham  ? 

72.  And  he  turned  and  left  the  assembly. 
And  they  wist  well  what  he  meant,  and  they 
rejoiced   in   their   hearts ;    but   they  said,  We 
wash  our  hands  of  this  matter. 

73.  Now  even  so  did  Pilate  likewise  wash 
his  hands  of  that  other  matter. 

74.  For  he  also  was  a  Knsuvvutiv. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     1 29 


CHAPTER  V. 

i.  How  Seemer  was  made  governor.  2.  The  Oueecneas.  8. 
Abraham  hearkeneth  unto  Seemer.  n.  And  decreeth 
the  lot.  15.  The  Kopur-hedd  scribes  stir  up  the  people. 
22.  The  Pahdees  and  the  schyndee,  29.  They  howl  about 
giving  wages  unto  the  Niggah.  30.  Ouaics. 

NOW  it  came  to  pass  that  for  a  time  before 
the  Kopur-hedds  set  up  Seemer  for  gov 
ernor  of  the  province  of  Gotham,  the  war  in 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm  had  languished ;  and 
it  seemed  as  if  the  Tshivulree  might  prevail 
against  the  langkies,  and  the  land  of  Uncul 
psalm  might  be  divided,  and  its  government 
brought  to  naught. 

2.  So   that   many  which   were  not   Kopur- 
hedds,   but  which  wavered  in  their   purpose, 
joined  themselves  unto  the  sect  of  Oueecneas ; 
for  so  were  they  called  which  could  not  stand 
up   like   men  to   the  work  which   was  before 
them. 

3.  And    Seemer   saw   this.     Wherefore    he 
said,  Behold,  Abraham  and  his  counsellors  are 
slothful,  and  the  land  will  be  ruined  because 

VER.  3.  Here  Seemer   digged   a  pit  for  his  adversaries. 
We  shall  see  afterward  how  he  fell  into  it  himself. 


I3O  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

of  their  slothfulness.  Why  do  they  not  send 
officers  throughout  the  land,  and  let  lots  be 
cast  for  men  to  fill  up  the  armies  of  Uncul- 
psalm,  that  it  may  be  done  speedily,  and  that 
with  a  high  hand  and  a  mighty  arm. 

4.  And  the  Kopur-hedds  said,  Yea,  verily, 
Let  the  lot  be  cast,  and  let  the  men  be  taken. 
Behold,    Abraham    and    his    counsellors    are 
feeble.     Let  the   war  be  waged  with  a  high 
hand  and  a  mighty  arm. 

5.  But  in  all  this  they  were  crafty  (for  they 
were  wise  in   their   generation),   and   sought 
only  to  get  the  government  into  the  hands  of 
their  faction.    And  they  prospered  for  the  time. 
For  all  of  their  own  faction,  and  all  of  the  sect 
of  Oueecneas  gave  their  voices  for  Seemer,  so 
that  he  was  made  governor. 

6.  Now    the    Knsuvvutivs    forgat   nothing, 
neither  learned   they  anything ;    wherefore   it 
was  that  they  remained  in  hot  water  lest  they 
might  be  scalded. 

7.  And  Abraham  remembered   how  it  had 
been  with  rulers  which  were  Knsuvvutivs  in 
the  olden  time ;  how  they  had  either  brought 
their  nation  to  ruin  or  themselves ;   and  how 
two  rulers,  kings,  even  the  king  of  the  land  of 
Jonbool,  before  it  became  the  land  of  Jonbool, 
and  while  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  even  the 
langkies,  dwelt  therein,  and  the  king  of  the 
land  of  the  Pahlivoos,  which  were  good  men, 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


but  Knsuvvuttivs,  and  forgot  nothing,  neither 
learned  anything,  but  got  themselves  into  hot 
water  and  remained  therein  lest  they  should 
be  scalded,  were  solemnly  beheaded  for  their 
Knsuvvuttism. 

8.  And  Abraham  considered  the  matter  in 
his  heart,  and  he  said  within  himself,  The  wise 
man  remembereth  the  teachings  of  the  past, 
but  he  turneth  not  away  from  the  cry  of  the 
present;   neither  stoppeth  he  his  ears  against 
the  chiding  of  his  adversary,  for  it  may  profit 
him.     So,  although  Abraham  was  not  num 
bered  among  the  Knsuvvuttivs,  he  hearkened 
unto  their  counsels. 

9.  Now  there  were  others,  chief  men  of  the 
Dimmichrats,  which  did  likewise.     And  these 
were  Benbuttlah,  who  first  discovered  that  the 
everlasting  Niggah  was  khontrab-hand  ;  (Now, 
khontrab-hand,  in  the  language  of  all  the  gen 
tiles,  is  everything  which  doeth  harm  unto  him 
that  maketh  war,   and  helpeth  his   enemy  to 
war  upon  him  ;)   and  Daniel,  surnamed  Scrip- 
turdic,  because  he  searched  the  Scriptures,  not 
to  find  something  to  his  advantage,  but  tb.it 
he  might  expound  them  unto  the  people  ;  and 
Jembray  Dee,  a  great  lawyer  of  Gotham,  who 
would  take  no  office,  and  who  was  the  son  of 
a  Pahdee.     Likewise  were  there  many  others 
of  this  sort  among  the  Dimmichrats. 

10.  And  Abraham  said,  Let  the  lot  be  cast 


132  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

who  shall  serve  in  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm. 
And,  whereas,  by  them  of  olden  time,  even  by 
Moses,  it  was  said  that  only  he  who  had  taken 
a  wife  should  not  go  to  war,  let  now  every 
man  who  is  the  only  son  of  a  widow,  and  who 
is  the  only  support  of  his  wife  and  his  little 
ones,  and  every  man  whose  going  shall  be  a 
hardship  and  a  calamity,  save  that  which  men 
ought  to  bear,  not  be  taken. 

11.  And  if  any  man's  heart  fail  him,  or  if 
his  business  require  him,  let  him  pay  another 
that  he  may  go  in  his  place ;  let  it  be  declared 
that  whosoever  upon  whom  the  lot  falleth,  and 
who  will  pay  into  the  treasury  three  hundred 
pieces  of  silver,  shall  have  another  provided 
for  him  to  go  to  the  war  in  his  place ;  for  so 
shall   the  extortioners  not   grind  the  faces  of 
them  that  be  both  poor  and  faint-hearted. 

12.  Now   when    Phernandiwud   heard   that 
this  was  done,  he  rejoiced  greatly.     For  he 
said,  Abraham  hath  again  ministered  occasion 
unto  us ;  and  this  occasion  is  even  better  than 
that  when  he  gave  us  Clement  for  a  martyr. 

13.  For  Clement  hath  made  little  for  us  by 
his  martyrdom. 

14.  And  immediately   Phernandiwud,    and 
Benjamin  his  brother,  and  James  the  Scribe, 
and  Erastus  his  brother,  and  Primus  the  Scribe, 
and  Assohkald  Eddittah,  being  bidden  there 
unto  by  his  owners,  and  all  the  Scribes  and  the 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  133 

orators  of  the  Kopur-hedds  throughout  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm,  forgetting  the  former  counsel 
of  Seemer,  and  that  they  did  declare  the  same, 
did  set  themselves  to  stir  up  the  people  against 
the  lot. 

15.  For  they  said,  Thus  shall   we   hinder 
Abraham  and  his  counsellors  in  their  govern 
ment,  and  thus  shall  we  stop  the  war,  so  that 
no  more  grievous  victories  shall  afflict  the  land, 
and  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  shall  be  driven 
from  the  field,  and  the  gospel  of  peace  shall 
prevail,  and  the  land  shall  be  divided,  and  the 
nation  destroyed,  so  that  we  can  build  it  up 
again,  and  its  foundation  shall  be  the  everlast 
ing  Niggah,  who  endureth  from  generation  to 
generation. 

1 6.  And  openly  they  declared  against  the 
lot,  because,  as  they  said,  it  was  contrary  to 
the  Great  Covenant. 

17.  For,  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  what 
ever  a  man  was  loth  to  do  he  would  say  was 
not  according  to  the  Great  Covenant ;  so  that 
men  began  to  hope  that  it  might  be  found  con 
trary  to  the  Great  Covenant  for  the  husband  to 
walk  up  and  down  with  a  child  that  crieth  in 
the  night.     (For  such  was  the  custom  in  that 
land).      Wherefore  the   children  would  have 
been  suffered  to  cry  until  the  judges  had  deliv 
ered  judgment,  but  that  the  women  had  whereof 
to  say  about  that  matter. 

12 


134  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

18.  But  in  secret  the  Kopur-hedds  said  unto 
the  poor  men,  Behold,  Abraham  lieth  in  wait 
for  the  blood  of  the  poor.     For  the  rich  man 
who   can  pay  three  hundred  pieces  of  silver 
need  not  go  to  the  war ;  but  the  poor  man,  who 
cannot  pay,  must  go  if  the  lot  fall  upon  him. 
Saying  not  that  every  man  must  serve  God  and 
his  country  according  to  his  ability. 

19.  And  to  the  rich  they  said,  The  three  hun 
dred  pieces  of  silver  will  not  be  paid  to  the  men 
who  go  into  the  army  in  your  places,  but  even 
unto  that  other  army,  the  noble  army  of  Coun- 
teractors  which  do  continually  praise  Abraham. 

20.  Thus  the  Kopur-hedds  made  confusion, 
and  stirred  up  the  people  to  murmur  through 
out  the  land  ;  but  chiefly  in  the  city  of  Gotham, 
which  was  governed  by  the  Pahdees,  the  fol 
lowers  of  Phernandiwud. 

21.  Now  the  Pahdees  are  ready  to  fight,  and 
they  love  fighting  for  the  fighting's  sake ;   and 
so  do  not  the  langkies,  which  do  never  fight, 
save  against  oppression  and  for  righteousness' 
sake. 

22.  And  the  Pahdees  do  like  best  that  fight 
which  is  called  schyndee.      (Now  a  schyndee 
is  when  each  man  breaketh  the  head  of  his 
neighbor  and  asketh  no  questions. )     And  with 
out  schyndees  the  Pahdee  pineth  away,  and  life 
is  a  burden  unto  him. 

23.  But  before  the  beginning  of  the  war  the 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  135 

Pahdees  of  Gotham  had  been  almost  altogether 
deprived  of  schyndees  by  reason  of  the  strait- 
ness  of  Ken  Edee  and  his  watchmen. 

24.  And  when  the  war  began,  besides  that 
many  of  them  stood  idle  and  had  neither  work 
nor  wages,  they  all  thought  that  the  war  would 
be  like  unto  a  great  schyndee,  even  great  enough 
to  make  up  unto  them  the  loss  of  all  the  schyn 
dees  whereof  they  had  been  deprived  by  the 
watchmen  of  Gotham.     So  they  went  many  of 
them  to  the  war ;  but  after  a  season  they  came 
home,  and  having  been  filled  with  fighting  for 
a  time,  and  finding  both  work  and  wages,  they 
returned  not  again,  but  gave  themselves  to  gov 
erning  Gotham. 

25.  Now  when  the  decree  went  forth  that 
the  lot  should  be  cast,  Phernandiwud  and  the 
chief  of  his  disciples  who  were  apostles  of  the 
new  gospel  of  peace  went  among  the  Pahdees 
and  said  unto  them, 

26.  What  is  this  that  Abraham  and  his  coun 
sellors  would  do  unto  you?     They  are  tyrants 
and  would  take   away  your  rights   and  your 
privileges.     For  is  it  not  the  right  and  the  privi 
lege  of  the  Pahdees  to  come  from  a  land  of  fam 
ine  and  oppression  unto  the  land  of  Unculpsalm, 
which  is  a  land  of  plenty  and  of  freedom,  and 
to  be  paid  for  their  labor  four  fold  what  they 
received  aforetime,  and  while  the  smell  of  the 
bog  of  that  land  is  yet  upon  their  feet  to  be- 


136  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

come  rulers  in  that  land,  and  to  take  unto  them 
selves  all  the  benefits  for  which  the  langkies 
have  done  battle  and  sat  in  council,  and  toiled 
generation  after  generation,  and  to  have  fat  of 
fices,  and  above  all,  to  rule  in  Gotham? 

27.  Wherefore,  then,  goeth  forth  this  decree 
from  Abraham  and  his  counsellors,  that  the  lot 
shall  be  cast  in  Gotham,  where  be  many  Pah- 
dees,  even  a  great  number  like  unto  the  locusts 
for  multitude,  save  that  Abraham  thirsteth  for 
the  blood  of  the  Pahdees,  and  would  take  them 
away  from  ruling  Gotham,  and  deliver  the  city 
into  the  hands  of  the  langkies,  which  have  no 
right  therein,  and  unto  men  who  would  take 
away  the  everlasting  Niggah  and  let  him  go  a 
free  man  over  the  land,  and  get  both  work  and 
wages  ? 

28.  And  when  the  Pahdees  heard  of  giving" 

o  o 

wages  unto  the  Niggah  they  all  howled  with  an 
exceeding  long  and  grievous  howl.  For  the 
Pahdees  do  hate  the  Niggahs  ;  and  for  them  to 
hear  that  the  Niggah  is  to  have  wages  like  unto 
them  is  an  exceeding  sore  affliction.  So  they 
howled  with  an  howling  like  unto  that  of  a 
ouaic. 

29.  Now  in  the  tongue   of  the  Pahdees  a 
ouaic  is  a  gathering  together  by  night  over  the 
body  of  a  dead  Pahdee.     And  forasmuch  as  it 
is  one  of  their  solemn  ceremonies,  they  do  pour 
out  drink  offerings,  and  also  make  sacrifices. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  137 

For  after  they  have  well  poured  out  drink  offer 
ings  they  do  have  a  schyndee  and  slay  one  of 
their  number  as  a  sacrifice  for  him  that  is  dead. 
And  then  straightway  there  is  another  ouaic 
over  him  that  is  slain ;  and  so  on  forever,  so 
that  each  ouaic  produceth  another;  and  thus 
the  howling  of  the  ouaic  and  the  pouring  out 
of  drink  offerings  and  the  schyndee  never  cease 
throughout  the  country  of  the  Pah  dees. 

30.  And  Phernandiwud  and  the  scribes  and 
orators  of  the  Kopur-hedds  did  continually  day 
by  day  thus  stir  up  the  Pahdees  and  all  them 
of  the  baser  sort  among  the  men  of  Gotham. 
12* 


138  THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

I.  The  Pahdees  and  the  Bihdees  declare  against  the  lot. 
3.  Seemer  seeketh  to  stay  the  lot.  5.  But  Abraham  re- 
fuseth.  8.  The  Pahdees  begin  the  ministration  of  the 
Gospel  of  Peace,  and  make  schyndees.  12.  And  stand  by 
the  Great  Covenant.  21.  One  of  the  Tshivulree  smelleth 
the  smell  of  burnt  Niggah.  23.  And  becometh  gracious. 
57.  Seemer  cometh.  60.  The  Pahdees  set  him  at  naught. 
61.  The  Pleece.  63.  The  reasons  of  the  ministration. 

NOW  when  the  day  of  the  casting  of  the 
lot  drew  nigh,  the  Pahdees  and  the  Bih 
dees  (for  so  were  called  the  women  of  the 
Pahdees  which  were  maid  servants  unto  the 
langkies)  declared  that  they  would  not  suffer 
the  lot  to  be  cast,  but  would  make  a  great 
schyndee,  and  that  in  this  they  would  do  the 
will  of  Seemer,  whom  they  called  Say  More, 
and  of  Phernandiwud. 

2.  But  the  langkies  heeded  them  not,  say-* 
ing,  This  is  all  blahknee,  which  being  inter 
preted  is  bung-come.  For  the  blahknee  of  the 
Pahdees  is  the  bung-come  of  the  langkies. 

VER.  2.  Brown,  Jones,  and  Robinson,  after  much  discus 
sion,  unite  in  the  opinion  that  if  we  only  know  what  was 
the  bung-come  of  the  langkies,  we  might  safely  conjecture 
what  was  the  blahknee  of  the  Pahdees.  Without  commit- 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  139 

3.  But  Seemer  was  told  of  this  thing  in  such 
manner  that  he  knew  it  to  be  true.     And  he 
took  no  means  to  prevent  the  Pahdees,  neither 
did  he  summon  any  of  the  soldiers  of  the  prov 
ince  back  to  Gotham.     But  he  sent  one  of  his 
officers  unto  Abraham  and  unto  his  counsellors, 
saying, 

4.  Behold  now  the  Pahdees  will  resist  the 
lot.     Let  it  therefore  be  stopped  until  the  judges 
can  say  whether  it  is  according  to  the  Great 
Covenant. 

5.  But  Abraham   answered  him   and   said, 
Hear  me,  Seemer.     This  nation  standeth  up  to 
the  lips  in  hot  water,  and  the  pot  hath  been 
heating  now  these  thirty  years  ;  and,  as  I  live, 
this  nation  shall  no  longer  remain  in  hot  water 
without  striving  to  get  out  thereof,  because  it  is 
not  according  to  Knsuvvuttism.    Let  the  judges 
deem  ;  but  let  the  lot  go  forward. 

6.  So  the  lot  went  forward.     And  Seemer 
washed  his  hands  ;  for,  like  Pilate,  he  also  was 
a  Knsuvvuttiv. 

7 .  Now  the  first  day  of  the  casting  of  the  lot 
was  the  seventh  day  of  the  week  :  wherefore  the 
Pahdees   refrained   themselves,  lest  Augustus 


ting  ourselves  to  so  sweeping  a  conclusion,  it  is  safe  to  say 
that  blahknee  appears  to  have  been  a  kind  of  private  bung- 
come  :  and  consequently  Dr.  Hobvius  Trite  conjectures 
bung-come  was  a  kind  of  public  blahknee.  Dr.  Trite  will 
be  recognized  as  the  eminent  Shakespearian  commentator. 


140  THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

and  they  of  the  circumcision  should  be  offended. 
And  the  day  after  was  the  Sabbath  of  the  Gen 
tiles. 

8.  But  on  the  next  day,  even  on  the  second 
day  of  the  week,  certain  of  the  Pahdees  gath 
ered  themselves  together  about  the   eleventh 
hour,  and  fell  upon  the  officers  which  cast  the 
lots,  and  drove  them  out  of  the  house  wherein 
they  were,  and  destroyed  their  writings,  and 
set  the   house   on   fire.      And   they  beat  the 
watchmen  of  Ken  Edee  which  were  sent  against 
them  (for  the  watchmen  were  but  an  handful) , 
and  went  about  the  streets  armed  with  clubs 
and  staves,  shouting  and  making  schyndees. 

9.  And  straightway  the  whole  city  near  the 
quarters  where  the  Pahdees  dwelt,  which  was 
called  Ashantee,  was  in  an  uproar. 

i  o .  And  the  tumult  grew  and  spread  through 
out  Gotham  among  the  Pahdees.  But  of  the 
langkies  only  a  few  of  the  baser  sort  of  the 
Hittites  and  the  Hammerites  joined  therein. 
Yet  did  certain  of  the  orators  and  scribes  of  the 
Kopur-hedds  inflame  the  Pahdees  with  their 
words ;  and  chiefly  Assohkald  Edditah,  who  to 
gain  the  World  had  lost  his  own  soul. 

1 1 .  And  Ken  Edee  went  to  see  what  the  tu 
mult  was.  And  the  Pahdees  said,  Lo,  this 
enemy  of  Phernandiwud  cometh,  and  he  that 
stoppeth  schyndees  is  delivered  into  our  hands. 
Let  us  slay  him,  therefore ;  for  we  stand  by  the 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     14! 

Great  Covenant.    And  they  beat  him  nigh  unto 
death. 

12.  And  they  were  more  and  more  inflamed 
by  their  own  doings,  and  by  the  orations  of  the 
Kopur-hedds.     And  they  began  to  shout  for 
Jeph  the  Repudiator,  and  to  spoil  and  to  burn 
the  city.    For  they  stood  by  the  Great  Cov 
enant. 

13.  And  they  entered  into  the  houses  of  the 
officers  of  Abraham  and  the  houses  of  the  rich 
men,  men  of  Belial,  which  strove  to  set  the 
Niggah  free  and  to  pay  him  wages  for  his  labor, 
even  as  the  Pahdees  were  paid ;  and  they  took 
the  household  stuff  and  furniture,   and  cast  it 
into  the  street,  and  some  they  carried  off,  and 
they  burned  the  houses.     For  they  stood  by  the 
Great  Covenant. 

14.  And,  foaming  in  anger  against  the  Nig- 
gahs,   lest  they  should  be   set   free   and   get 
wages,  they  fell  upon  them  which  were  already 
free  in  Gotham,  and  some  they  beat,  and  some 
they  hanged,  and  some  they  slew,  and  some  of 
the  bodies  of  them  that  they  slew  they  burned 
while  the  breath  was  yet  in  them.     For  they 
stood  by  the  Great  Covenant. 

15.  And  they  drave  the  Niggahs  out  of  their 
houses  and  set  them  on  fire.     For  they  stood 
by  the  Great  Covenant. 

16.  And  they  went  in  the  night  and  set  on 
fire  an  alms  house  for  little  Niggahs  which 


142  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

were  orphans,  and  turned  them,  half  naked,  out 
into  the  darkness  :.  for  they  said,  Lest  they  be 
come  men  and  receive  wages  for  their  labor. 
For  they  stood  by  the  Great  Covenant. 

17.  And  some   Niggahs  they  cast  into  the 
water,  and  some  into  the  fire ;  and  they  slew 
the  child  in  the  arms  of  his  mother.     For  they 
stood  by  the  Great  Covenant. 

18.  And   they  robbed   in  the  highways  of 
Gotham,  even  in  every  part  thereof;  and  they 
cast  stones  into  the  houses  of  the  scribes  that 
taught  not  the  gospel  of  peace  and  the  ever 
lasting  Niggah.     For  they  stood  by  the  Great 
Covenant. 

19.  And  they  fought  against  the  officers  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  slew  some  of  them ;  and  the 
Pahdee  women,  even  the  Bihdees,  did  cut  them 
that  were  slain  with  knives,  even  as  they  did 
the  Niggah  men,  and  one  of  the  officers  of  the 
armies  of  Unculpsalm,  in  that  wise  that  had 
they   been   living    men    they  could   not   have 
come  into  the    congregation.     For  they  stood 
by  the  Great  Covenant. 

20.  And  it  come  to  pass  that  a  man  of  the 
Tshivulree  sat  in  the  house  of  Hiram  the  pub 
lican  ;  and  certain  Phlunkees  were  there  also, 
compromising  themselves  unto  him. 

VER.  19.  See  Deuteronomy  xxiii.  i.  This  passage,  how 
ever,  does  not  support  the  conjecture  that  the  author  was  a 
Hebrew;  for  upon  the  ceremonial  point  in  question  the 
Hebrews  were  not  peculiar  among  oriental  people. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  143 

21.  And  the  man  said,  Behold,  I  do  smell  a 
smell  as  of  wool  burning,  a  smell   as  of  the 
land  of  the  Ephephvees,  and  the  land  of  Dik- 
see,  which  is  the  home  of  Tshivulree,  and  it  is 
sweet  unto  my  nostrils. 

22.  And  the  Phlunkees,  which  were  Kopur- 
hedds,    bowed   themselves   down  before    him, 
and  compromised   unto    him,  and   said,  Yea, 
verily,  thy  servants  are  burning  Niggahs  that 
it  may  be  pleasant  unto  my  lord,  to  show  their 
good  will  unto  my  lord,  and  that  my  lord  may 
see   that   the    home    of  Tshivulree  is   coming 
northward. 

23.  And  he  said,  Is  it  even  so?     It  is  well. 
And  if  ye  will  indeed  offer  up  the  Free  Nig- 
gah  unto  us  as  a  burnt  offering,  an  offering  of 
a  sweet  savor,  behold,  we  may  accept  you  and 
be  gracious  unto  you  ;  and,  when  we  do  smell  the 
smell  of  the  burnt  Niggah,  we  may  no  longer 
hold  our  noses  when  ye  do  bow  yourselves  down 
unto  us,  and  speak  unto  us,  and  sell  us   your 
merchandise.     If  ye    continue   in  well-doing, 
and  will  buy  and  sell  the  Niggahs,  and  make 
them   your   hewers  of  wood  and  drawers  of 
water  forever,  and  beat  them  with  stripes,  and 
roast  them  with  fire,  and  get  sons  and  daughters 
of  their  women  and  sell  them  for  bondsmen 
and  bondswomen,  and  if  ye  will  persecute  the 
men  of  Belial  who  say,  Do  ye  unto  all  men  as 
ye  would  have  all  men  do  unto  you,  and  will 


144  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

beat  them,  and  hang  them,  and  roast  them  with 
fire,  and  pour  hot  pitch  upon  them,  and  ride 
them  upon  sharp  beams  very  grievous  to  be 
stride,  and  make  this  country  like  unto  the  land 
of  Diksee,  the  home  of  Tshivulree, 

24.  Behold  then  we  may  be  yet  more  gra 
cious  unto  you,  and  come  into  your  provinces 
and  take  them  and  rule  them  and  you. 

25.  And  the  Phlunkees,  which  were  Kopur- 
hedds,  bowed  themselves  down  again,  and  com 
promised  themselves  yet  the  more,  and  said, 
Be  it  unto  thy  servants  even  as  thou  wilt. 

26.  Now  when  Seemer  had  sent  his  officer 
to  Abraham  because  he  knew  that  there  would 
be  a  tumult,  he  remained  not  in  Gotham,  but 
went  down  to  the  seaside. 

27.  And  when  the  tumult  broke  out,  they  sent 
for  him  ;  but  he  came  not.     But  on  the  second 
day  even  the  Kopur-hedds  sent  unto  him,  say 
ing,  Come  over  and  help  us  ere  we  be  de 
stroyed.     And  he  came. 

28.  But  the  Pahdees,   although  they  were 
slaying  and  burning  and  destroying,  fled  not 
from  before  his  face  although  he  was  governor 
of  the  province,  whose  office  it  was  to  execute 
judgment  upon  transgressors.      But  when  they 
saw  him,  they  thronged  upon  him,  and  shouted 
welcome  unto  him.    And  he  spake  unto  them 
and  compromised  himself  unto  them,  and  said 
unto  them, 


THE    NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  145 

29.  Hear  me,  O  my  friends.     I  mean  that 
the  wrongs  which  ye  do  suffer  in  being  made 
to  bear  your  part  of  the  burdens  of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm,    and   to   obey  the   laws   thereof, 
shall  be  abated.     And  I  have  sent  an  officer 
unto  Abraham  to  demand  that  the  law  against 
which  you  have  made  this  tumult  shall  not  be 
enforced.     But,  my  friends,  I  pray  you,  O  my 
noble  friends,  I  do  entreat  you,  that  ye  will  re 
spect  private  property   (for  do  not  our  noble 
friends  the  Tshivulree,  whom  we  all  serve  this 
day,  respect  private  property?)  else  I  cannot 
deliver  you  from  your  oppression. 

30.  Yet  on  the  morrow  he  issued  a  procla 
mation  to  the  people  that  they  should  obey  the 
laws  of  the  province.     But   he  said  nothing 
about  the  laws  of  Unculpsalm.     But  the  Pah- 
dees  regarded  not  his  proclamation,  and  went 
on  with  their  schyndee. 

31.  Now  the  watchmen  of  Ken  Edee,  which 
were  called  Fleece,  which  were  valiant  men 
and  goodly  to  look  upon,   and  which   found 
favor  in  the  eyes  of  the  women  of  Gotham, 
fought    stoutly   under   the   lieutenant   of  Ken 
Edee  whose  name  was  Kahpen  Turr.     Like 
wise  also  did  a  handful  of  the  soldfers  of  Un 
culpsalm,  which  were  nigh  unto  Gotham  when 
the  tumult  began.     So  that  in  three  days  the 
tumult  began  to  abate. 

32.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  a  man  in  Go- 

is 


146  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

tham  met  some  of  the  Pahdees,  and  they  suf 
fered  him  to  talk  to  them. 

33.  And  he  asked  them,  Why  do  ye  fight 
the   Fleece  ?     And   they  answered  and  said, 
Because  the  Fleece  began  the  tumult  by  with 
standing  us  when  we  would  have  driven  out 
the  officers  who  cast  the  lots  against  us.     For 
if  we  may  but  do  our  own  will,  we  indeed 
would  trouble  no  man. 

34.  And  he  asked  them,  Why  do  ye  slay  the 
officers  of  Unculpsalm?     And  they  answered 
and  said,  Because  they  turn  their  swords  upon 
the  people.     For  have  not  the  scribes  of  the 
Kopur-hedds  and  the  Phlunkees  and  the  Oueec- 
neas  told  you  that  we  are  the  people  ? 

35.  And   again    he    asked   them,   But  why 
do  ye  slay  the  Niggahs,  which  are  meek  and 
lowly,  and  withstand  no  man,  but  flee  before 
you?     And  they  said  unto  him, 

36.  Confess    now,    is   not   the   Niggah   the 
cause  of  the  war?     And  he  said,  Yea,  verily. 
And  they  answered  him,  Behold  thou  hast  said 
it.     We  slay  the  Niggah  because  he  is  the 
cause  of  the  war,  and  we  are  apostles  of  the 

VER.  33.  Observe  the  meekness  and  submissiveness  of  the 
Pahdees.  If  they  might  only  come  into  the  land  of  Uncul 
psalm  after  the  langkies  had  made  it  rich,  and  strong,  and 
a  land  in  which  no  man  could  make  another  afraid,  and 
might  govern  the  chief  cities  of  that  land,  and  do  their  own 
will  in  other  matters,  they  would  do  neither  mischief  nor 
violence. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  147 

new  gospel  of  peace,  which  we   do  minister 
unto  you  with  fire  and  sword  this  day. 

37.  And  if  the  Niggah  chooseth  to  submit, 
he  hath  the  right  to  submit.     For  we  have 
vowed  a  vow  that  no  man  shall  fight  against 
his  will ;  and  this  is  the  right  of  the  Niggah 
under  the  Great  Covenant.     And  if  he  resist- 
eth,  then  all  the  more  will  we  put  him  to  death. 
For  we  stand  by  the  Great  Covenant. 

38.  And  after  five  days  the  tumult  was  ended, 
But  for  five  days  there  were  murderings  and 
burnings    and   destruction.       And   the    smoke 
of  that  city  went  up  day  and  night  like  the 
smoke  of  a  furnace ;    and  the  air  was  filled 
with  groanings,  and  with  the  cry  of  women 
and  of  children  to  whom  was  ministered  the 
new  gospel  of  peace. 

39.  And  it  was  a  great   ministration ;    and 
the  like  had  not  been  in  that  land,  neither  shall 
be.     For  if  men  see  not  their  wickedness  and 
turn  not  from  the  error  of  their  ways  through 
such  ministration,  how  shall  they  be  converted? 

VER.  39.  The  striking  traits  of  this  book  are  its  wisdom, 
and  the  grave  and  serious  style  of  its  author.  But  here, 
writing  manifestly  soon  after  the  event  which  he  describes, 
he  ventures  upon  an  unsafe  prediction.  He  evidently  was 
not  enabled  to  foresee  the  ministration  of  the  new  gospel  of 
peace  which  is  recorded  in  Book  IV.,  Chapter  VI. 


148  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE, 


CHAPTER  VII. 

I.  Craftiness  of  Phernandiwud .  4.  He  endeavoreth  to  stay 
the  zeal  of  the  Pahdees.  9.  But  cannot.  1 1 .  Seemer  is 
discomfited.  14.  Tshatvlstn.  18.  Gil  Moah.  20.  De- 
stroyeth  the  great  fort  of  Tshaivlstn.  23.  The  spirit  of 
the  Great  Father  of  the  land  jilleth  the  hearts  of  the 
men  of  Uncutysalm. 

NOW  in  all  this  the  Pahdees  did  the  will 
of  their  master,  Phernandiwud,  the  chief 
apostle  of  the  new  gospel  of  peace. 

2.  But  he  appeared  not  in  the  matter,  nor 
was  he  heard  of  in  Gotham  during  the  minis 
tration  ;  for  he  was  a  subtle  man  and  a  crafty, 
and  his  walk  was  slantindicular. 

3.  So  that  Elijah,  who  smelleth  the  battle 
afar  off  in  the  tents  of  Tahmunee,  and  whose 
walk  was  straight  forward,  said,  What  man 
ner  of  man  is  this  Phernandiwud,  that  he  rais- 
eth  such  a  tumult  among  the  people,  and  then 
straightway  taketh  himself  into  the  wilderness, 
where  no  man  can  find  him? 

4.  And  Phernandiwud  was  not  well  pleased 
with  his  followers,  the  Pahdees,  and  he  said  unto 
their  ringleaders    (for,   although  he  appeared 
not,  he  held  communion  with  them) ,  What  mean 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF  PEACE.  149 

ye  that  ye  act  thus  without  discretion?  What 
ye  do  is  well ;  but  ye  do  too  much  thereof;  and 
by  your  over-much  zeal  ye  bring  reproach  upon 
the  gospel  of  peace  among  a  people  which  is 
yet  in  the  darkness  of  a  false  dispensation. 

5.  It  is  meet  and  right  that  the  officers  of 
Abraham  should  be  slain,  and  that  the  Niggahs 
should  be  hanged  and  burned,  and  they  de 
spoiled  who  would  set  them  free  and  pay  them 
wages,  and  that  men  should  be  put  in  terror  of 
the  mystery  of  the  new  gospel,  which  yet  they 
comprehend  not.     For  we  stand  by  the  Great 
Covenant.     But  the  time  is  not  yet  come. 

6.  Cease,  therefore,  to  slay  the  officers  of 
Abraham,  and  to  hang  and  burn  the  Niggahs, 
and  to  lay  waste  the  city.     But  continue  to 
withstand  the  lot,  which  only  I  meant  that  ye 
should  do ;  that  from  the  province  of  Gotham, 
and  from  all  the  other  provinces,  there  should 
go  no  more  men  into  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm, 
and  so  the  war  might  cease  without  the  putting 
down  of  the  rebellion. 

7.  For  in  this  Seemer  would  have  helped  us. 
But  now  by  your  over-much  zeal  ye  have  com 
pelled  him  to  declare  himself  against  us,  though 
in  heart  he  is  with  us.     Cease,  now,  therefore, 
to  slay,  to  hang,  and  to  burn  any  more  than  is 
prudent,  or  ye  will  hinder  the  new  gospel  of 
peace.     Have  ye  not  read  how  it  is  written, 
The  zeal  of  thy  house  hath  eaten  me  up  ? 


150  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

8.  (For  again,  as  in  his  business  with  Marah- 
vine,  he  had  searched  the  Scriptures  that  he 
might  find  something  to  his  advantage) . 

9.  Now  this  was  on  the  second  day  of  the 
ministration.     But  the  Pahdees  then  would  not 
heed  the  words  of  Phernandiwud,  and  went  on 
with  their  slaying  and  their  hanging  and  their 
burning. 

10.  Then  did  Phernandiwud  and  the  Kopur- 
hedds,  see  that  again  their  case  was  desperate, 
and  that,  seeking  to  let  out  a  little  water,  they 
had  opened  the  floodgates,  and  could  not  close 
them    again.      Wherefore   they  gave   up  this 
matter ;  and  the  watchmen  of  Ken  Edee,  even 
the  Pleece,  and  the  soldiers  of  Unculpsalm  took 
possession  of  the  city  of  Gotham,  and  then  all 
men,  even  the  Niggahs,  slept  in  peace,  and  ate 
their  bread  in  quietness. 

11.  Nevertheless,  Seemer  and  all  them  that 
were  disciples  of  the  new  gospel  of  peace,  and 
which  said  that  no  man,  not  even  the  Niggah, 
should  be  made  to  fight,  declared  that  they 
would  resist  the  lot  by  the  law,  and  that  they 
would  do  by  the  judges  that  which  they  had 
failed  to  accomplish  through  the  over-much  zeal 
of  the  Pahdees. 

12.  But  they  could  not;  for  they  found  that 
their  own  judges  whom  they  glorified,  and  who 
expounded  the  Great  Covenant  only  as  a  great 
compromising,  which  should  endure  forever, 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 


had  declared  against  them,  and  that  the  law  of 
Unculpsalm  was  supreme  in  the  land. 

13.  So  the  lot  was  cast,  and  the  men  taken, 
and  the  war  was  not  hindered.     And  the  armies 
of  Unculpsalm  moved  forward.      And  in  the 
west  they  marched  into  the  heart  of  the  land  of 
Diksee,  and  the  army  of  the  Phiretah  captain 
in  that  country,  who  was  surname  d  the  Brag 
gart,  fell  back  before  them. 

14.  Now  upon  the  south-eastern  coast  of  the 
land  of  Diksee,  on  the  shore  of  the  great  sea, 
as  thou  goest  down  unto  Jahrji,  where  Robert 
dwelt  among  the  tombs,  was  a  little  city,  which 
they  who  dwelt  therein  called  Tshawlstn,  which 
was  full  of  Phiretahs.     And  the  people  thereof 
did  nothing  and  thought  of  nothing  but  to  be 
Tshivulree.     And  being  mere  cumberers  of  the 
ground,  and  doing  nothing  but  be  Tshivulree, 
they  yet  were  eaten  up  with  conceit  of  them 
selves  and  their  glory  ;  and  they  boasted  more 
than  any  other  of  the  boasters  south  of  the  bor 
der  of  Masunandicsun  ;    and  their  only  boast 
was  that  they  were  the  real  Tshivulree.    Where 
fore  even  in  the  land  of  Diksee  men  laughed 
them  to  scorn. 

15.  And  as  the  people  thereof  did  nothing 
but  boast  and  be  Tshivulree,  Tshawlstn  fell  into 
decay,  and  year  by  year  as  it  decayed  it  be 
came  more  and  more  stiff-necked  and  rebel 
lious.     And  it  was  in  Tshawlstn  that  the  men 


152  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

of  the  South  first  rose  up  against  the  govern 
ment  of  Unculpsalm ;  and  it  was  from  the  fort 
before  the  city,  which  guarded  the  passage  to 
the  sea,  that  the  Phiretahs,  with  an  army  of 
five  thousand  men,  drove  out  one  of  the  cap 
tains  of  Unculpsalm,  with  a  band  of  ninety  at 
the  beginning  of  this  war. 

1 6.  Wherefore,    although    the    men   of  the 
North  hated  not  the  men  of  the  South  as  the 
men  of  the  South  hated  them,  yet  their  anger 
was  hot  against  Tshawlstn,  and  they  sought  to 
crush   it   as  men  crush  the  cockatrice's  den. 
For  they  said,  It  is  the  nest  of  the  rebellion. 
And  thus  did  all  them  throughout  the  land  of 
Diksee  which  had  respect  unto  the  government 
of  Unculpsalm,  according  to  the  Great  Cove 
nant,  and  longed  to  see  the  banner  of  Uncul 
psalm,  under  which  their  fathers  had  fought, 
again  in  triumph  in  their  land. 

17.  And  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  laid  siege 
to  Tshawlstn,  and  to  the  great  fort  which  stood 
before  it  guarding  the  passage  to  the  sea.    But 
the  Phiretahs  had  made  the  place  strong  by 
casting  up  mounds  and  building  other  forts,  so 
that  it  resisted  long   and  stoutly.     And  three 
captains  had  sat  down  before  it  in  vain. 

18.  Then  Abraham  sent  against  it  a  captain 
whose  name  was  Gil  Moah.     And  he  was  a 
young  man,  but  he  was  cunning  to  fight  with 
great  engines  of  war ;  and  he  had  taken  and 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  153 

destroyed  another  strong  fort  which  the  Phire- 
tahs  had  wrested  from  the  government  of  Un- 
culpsalm. 

19.  And  Gil  Moah  sat  down  before  Tshawl- 
stn,  and  cast  up  banks  against  the  forts  around 
it,  and  took  some  of  them,  and  set  up  great 
engines  of  war,  very  mighty  and  very  marvel 
lous,  the  like  of  which  had  not  been  seen  be 
fore  in  any  land. 

20.  And  he  drave  the  Tshivulree  out  of  the 
strong  places  which  were  before  the  great  fort ; 
and  he  set  up  his  engines  against  that  fort,  and 
he  battered  it  to  ruins.     Moreover  he  turned 
his  engines  against  Tshawlstn,  and  threw  iron 
balls  into  the  city,  and  fire  that  ran  along  the 
ground  and  could  not  be  extinguished. 

21.  Whereat  the  Phiretahs  were  in  great  in 
dignation  ;  for  they  said,  that  according  to  the 
laws  of  Tshivulree,  even  their  laws,  Gil  Moah 
should  throw  fire  which  could  be  extinguished. 
But  he   answered  them  that  he  came   not  to 
obey  their  laws,  but  to  compel  them  to  obey 
the  laws  of  Unculpsalm,  and  that  he  did  not 
throw  the  fire  only  that  it  might  be  put  out. 

22.  And  when  the  news  went  about  that  Gil 
Moah  had  destroyed  the  great  fort  of  Tshawlstn, 
the   men  of  Unculpsalm   heard  thereof  with 
solemn  joy. 

23.  And  it  come  to  pass  that  immediately  the 
spirit  of  the  Great  Father  of  that  nation,  even 


154  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

he  who  was  first  in  peace  and  first  in  war 
among  that  people,  descended  and  filled  the 
hearts  of  all  of  them,  saying  unto  them, 

24.  Hear  me,  my  children,  and  give  ear  unto 
me,  ye  who   are  the  only  fruit  of  my  being. 
The  first  triumph  of  treason  is  brought  low  by 
the  power  which  I  nourished ;  and  before  the 
banner  which  ye  first  uplifted  by  my  hands  the 
stronghold  of  iniquity  is  fallen. 

25.  Now,  when  ye  do  receive  the  same,  and 
it  is  delivered  into  your  hands,  ye  shall  in  no 
wise  rebuild  it.     Ye  shall  not  suffer  one  stone 
to  be  laid  again  upon  another. 

26.  But  it  shall  remain  before  your  eyes  a 
heap  and  a  desolation  from  generation  to  gen 
eration,  to  be  a  sign  and  a  memorial  unto  you, 
and  unto   your  children,  and  your  children's 
children  forever. 

27.  And  it  shall   come  to  pass,  that  when 
your  sons  and  your  daughters  say  unto  you, 
What  are  these  stones,  and  wherefore  are  these 
ruins?  that  ye  shall  answer  unto  them, 

28.  Thus  shall  it  be  unto  all  them  which 
seek  the   destruction   of  the   land   that  doeth 
justice   and   loveth   mercy,   and   that   dealeth 
righteously  without   respect   of    persons,    and 
giveth  freedom  unto  all  them  that  dwell  therein. 

END    OF   THE    SECOND   BOOK. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  155 


NOTE  B. 

VER.  10,  ii,  12.  Assokkald  Edditah.  This  singular  name 
seems  not  to  have  been  the  patronymic  of  the  person  who 
bore  it,  but  to  have  been  given  to  him,  after  the  manner  of 
primitive  times,  from  his  occupation  and  his  character.  But 
although  his  name  is  strange  to  us,  it  would  not  be  well  for 
us  to  be  complacent  in  the  thought  that  his  readiness  to 
sell  himself  for  lucre  is  foreign  to  our  country.  That  it  is 
not  unknown  among  our  people  is  made  very  clear  by  the 
following  affidavits  which  appear  among  the  evidence  in 
the  case  of  George  Opdyke  against  Manton  Marble,  Elon 
Comstock,  John  Doe,  Richard  Roe,  and  John  Styles  :  — 

[AFFIDAVIT  i.] 

SUPREME  COURT. 


GEORGE  OPDYKE, 

against 
MANTON  MARBLE,  and  others. 


City  and  County  of  New  York,  ss  : 

David  Hoadley,  being  required  by  an  order  of  this  Court 
to  attend  before  a  referee  and  make  an  affidavit  in  this 
matter,  and  being  duly  sworn,  says  that  he  resides  in  the 
City  of  New  York. 

Q^  Do  you  know  the  defendant,  Manton  Marble  ? 

A.  He  called  upon  me  with  a  letter  of  introduction  from 
a  personal  friend,  about  two  years  ago  [fall  of  1862] ;  I 
cannot  state  the  date  accurately. 

Q^  What  passed  at  that  interview? 

A.  He  stated  that  the  object  of  his  call  was  connected 
with  the  pecuniary  embarrassments  of  the  newspaper  called 
"The  World."  That  unless  aid  was  obtained  at  an  early 
day  the  paper  must  go  down.  That  while  he  very  much 
preferred  that  it  should  be  kept  in  the  hands  of  parties  who 


156  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

were  in  sympathy  with  the  general  principles  of  the  paper 
as  then  conducted,  he  was  apprehensive  that  unless  aid  was 
extended  by  such  parties,  the  paper  would  pass  into  the 
hands  of  persons  holding  different  views,  and  his  impres 
sion  was  that  it  would  come  under  the  control  of  Fernando 
Wood. 

Q^  Did  you  render  him  any  assistance,  or  was  any  ren 
dered  to  your  knowledge  ? 

A.  I  rendered  no  aid  directly,  but  gave  him  a  note  of 
introduction  to  a  gentleman  of  large  wealth,  who,  as  I 
thought,  might  feel  sufficiently  interested  in  preserving  the 
paper  in  its  then  existing  status  to  extend  what  aid  was 
necessary.  I  am  not  aware  whether  the  gentlemen  referred 
to  entertained  the  subject  of  extending  the  required  aid  or 
not ;  but  I  presume  not,  from  the  fact  that  the  character  of 
the  paper  was  soon  afterwards  changed. 

Q^  From  what  passed  at  your  interview  with  Mr.  Mar 
ble,  did  you  receive  the  impression  that  he  possessed 
sufficient  pecuniary  resources  to  carry  on  the  paper  him 
self? 

A.  My  impression  was  that  he  was  unable  to  sustain  the 
paper  without  the  aid  of  other  parties,  which  he  was  then 
seeking. 

DAVID  HOADLEY. 
Sworn  to  before  me,  this  29th  ) 
day  of  September,  1864.       5 

DANIEL  P.  INGRAHAM,  JR.,  Referee. 

[AFFIDAVIT  2.] 

SUPREME  COURT. 


GEORGE  OPDYKE, 

against 
MANTON  MARBLE,  and  others. 


City  and  County  of  New  York,  ss  : 

Alexander  Wilder,  being  duly  required  to  make  an  affida 
vit  in  this  action,  and  being  duly  affirmed,  deposes  and 


THE    NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  157 

says,  that  he  resides  in  the  city  of  New  York.  That  he 
knows  the  defendant  Manton  Marble,  and  has  known  him 
since  the  year  1858.  That  in  1858  the  deponent  became 
connected  with  "  The  New  York  Evening  Post,"  and  that  at 
that  time  the  said  Marble  occupied  the  position  of  one  of 
the  assistant  editors  on  that  newspaper,  &c.  .  .  . 

Q..  Do  you  know  what  were  the  politics  of  "  The  World  " 
when  he  was  first  connected  with  it  ? 

A.  They  were  known  as  republican,  with  a  decidedly 
conservative  tendency. 

Q^  Did  the  politics  of  "  The  World  "  afterwards  change, 
Marble  continuing  all  the  while  to  be  an  editor? 

A.  In  the  fall  of  1862,  the  politics  of  that  paper  changed. 
I  know  the  time  from  the  fact  that  in  September  of  that 
year  Governor  Seymour  made  a  speech  in  Albany,  in  which 
he  spoke  of  "The  World"  as  a  Republican  newspaper,  and 
of  Marble  as  its  editor,  and  immediately  afterwards  "The 
World  "  supported  Governor  Seymour  for  the  Governor 
ship,  under  the  nomination  of  the  opposite  party. 

Q^  What  capital  is  necessary  to  run  a  daily  morning  pa 
per  in  the  city  of  New  York  ? 

A.  At  least  a  hundred  thousand  dollars ;  my  impression 
is  that  it  would  take  two  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  dol 
lars. 

ALEXANDER  WILDER. 
Affirmed  before  me,  this  > 

27th  September,  1864.  5 

GEO.  P.  NELSON,  Commr.  of  Deeds. 

What  "  the  general  principles  of  the  paper"  were  at  the 
time  when  the  subject  of  these  affidavits  told  the  gentleman 
upon  whom  he  had  called  in  regard  to  its  "  pecuniary  em 
barrassments  "  that  he  apprehended  that  "  unless  aid  was 
extended"  to  it,  "  it  would  come  under  the  control  of  Fer 
nando  Wood,"  may  be  gathered  from  the  following  extract 
from  its  prospectus,  published  a  short  time  before  the  call 
in  question :  — 

"  THE  WORLD  has  now  been  in  existence  for  a  little  more 
than  a  year.     It  has  attained,  in  that  short  period,  to  the 
14 


158  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

highest  rank  in  American  journalism,  —  to  a  perfectly 
secure  financial  basis,  and  to  a  circulation,  patronage,  and 
influence,  which  has  only  been  equalled  by  other  journals 

after  the  labors  of  many  years 

In  the  future,  as  it  has  in  the  past,  it  will  give  to  the  Ad 
ministration  a  hearty  and  vigorous  support,  because,  in  the 
war  for  the  Union,  twenty  millions  of  people  have  confided 
to  its  hands  their  battles  for  Liberal  Institutions,  Good 
Government,  Nationality,  and  Freedom.  The  World  will 
oppose  all  compromises  which  would  barter  away  the  prin 
ciples  for  which  this  war  is  waged ;  it  will  oppose  peace 
itself  till  the  success  of  the  war  assures  the  permanence  of 
peace,  and  will  urge  the  prosecution  of  the  war,  'with  econ 
omy,  but  ivitk  relentless  vigor,  till  the  federal  property  is 
recovered,  and  federal  authority  is  re-established,  from  the 
Chesapeake  to  the  Rio  Grande." 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

BOOK  THIRD. 

[Published  July  22d,  1864.] 

(159) 


BOOK    THIRD. 


CHAPTER   I. 

\.  Pshaw  dee.  6.  The  generations  ofPshaivdee.  *],PsnaTvb. 
10.  Peddulah.  12.  Rheet  Aylah.  16.  Jobbah.  19.  Holz 
Ay  1.  20.  Kaudphyssh.  22.  The  greatness  of  Kaud- 
physsh.  35.  His  riches  vanish  aivay. 

IN  the  days  when  Abraham  ruled  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm,  there  was  a  man  in  the  city 
of  Gotham  whose  name  was  Pshawdee. 

2.  And  Pshawdee  was  of  the  noble  army  of 
the  Counteractors,  which  did  continually  praise 
Abraham. 

3.  But  in  the   days  of  Phranklinn  and  of 
James  whose  surname  was  Facing-both-ways, 
he  was  of  the   sect  of  Smalphri  among  the 
Dimmichrats. 

4.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  in  the  third  year 
of  the  war  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  Pshaw 
dee  was  a  rich  man  like  unto  Dives  for  richness  ; 
because  that  in  the.  days  of  James  who  faced 
both  ways,   he   had   joined   himself  unto  the 
Schynnurs  who  go  to  and  fro  in  Ouahlztrete, 
and  afterwards  he  had  gone  down  the  river  of 

14*  (161) 


l62  THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

the  debtors,  even  the  Oh-I-owe,  which  leadeth 
unto  the  country  of  the  Repudiators. 

5.  For  he  would  neither  pay  the  debts  that 
he  owed  nor  acknowledge  them,  and  ask  them 
to  be  forgiven  him.     Wherefore  it  was  that  he 
went  unto  the  country  of  the  Repudiators,  and 
afterward  became  a  rich  man  like  unto  Dives 
in  the  city  of  Gotham. 

6.  Now  these  are  the  generations  of  Pshaw- 
dee. 

7.  There  came  a  man  from  the  land  of  Jon- 
bool  into  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  whose  name 
was  Psnawb.     And  he  was  a  Phlunkee. 

8.  And  he  dwelt  in  the  northern  part  of  the 
land,    and   sojourned   in    a    town    which   was 
by  the  sea-side,  and  which  the  people  thereof 
thought  was  the  centre  of  the  earth,  and  the 
chief  city  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.    Where 
fore  they  called  it  Boss-town ;  for  boss*,  being 
interpreted,  is  master.     The  same  is  that  which 
by  the  scribes  among  them  was  called  the  new 
Athens. 

9.  And  Psnawb  took  to  wife  a  woman  of  the 
Pahdees  (for  there  were  Pahdees  in  Boss-town) , 
even  a  Bihdee.     And  she  was  fruitful,  after  the 
manner  of  the  Bihdees,  and  bore  him  sons  and 
daughters. 

10.  But  the  names  of  none  of  them  are  writ 
ten,   except  the  name  of  his  first-born,   Ped- 

VER.  10.  It  would  seem  as  if  the  Phiretahs  had  derived 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     163 

dullah.  And  Peddullah  was  the  father  of  all 
them  that  went  to  and  fro  in  the  land  of  Uncul- 
psalm,  from  the  country  of  the  langkies  even 
unto  the  country  of  the  Tshivulree,  carrying 
merchandise  and  getting  gain. 

11.  And  Peddullah  took  unto  himself  a  wife 
of  the  Meenouites  which  dwelt  in  the  country 
of  the  Tshivulree,  but  which  were  poor,  and 
had   no   Niggahs,   and  were   scorned   of  the 
Tshivulree.     And  when  he  had  brought  her 
northward  into  the  land  of  the  langkies,  she 
conceived  and  bare  him  a  son,  and  she  called 
his  name  Rheet  Aylah ;  for,  she  said,  he  shall 
not  go  to  and  fro  like  his  father,  but  shall  dwell 
in  one  place,    and  he   shall  increase  in  sub 
stance. 

12.  And  Rheet  Aylah  went  and  dwelt  in 
Gotham.     But  in   the   beginning   he    did  not 
prosper ;  and  he  looked  and  said,  Behold,  it  is 
because  I  am  a  stranger,  and  without  friends 
and  acquaintance. 

13.  So  he  went  unto  one  of  the  wise  men  of 

their  notions  of  the  langkies  chiefly  from  their  acquaint 
ance  with  Peddullah  and  the  sons  of  Peddullah.  Hence 
their  contempt  for  the  langkies  for  which  they  paid  so 
dearly.  Dr.  Trite  remarks  that  the  names  throughout  this 
genealogy  are,  in  his  judgment,  rather  the  names  of  tribes 
than  those  of  individuals.  But  how  does  this  agree  with 
the  oriental  custom  of  giving  the  names  of  individuals  to 
tribes  ?  Here  is  a  question  that  may  well  tax  all  the  powers 
of  the  ingenious  and  learned  commentator. 


164  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

Gotham,  and  asked  him,  saying,  How  shall  I 
make  unto  myself  friends  and  acquaintances 
among  the  Gothamites  ?  And  the  wise  man 
answered  him  and  said,  Join  thyself  either 
unto  the  Pharisees  or  unto  the  Phyarmen. 

14.  And  Rheet  Aylah  considered  the  matter, 
and  when  he  saw  that  the  Phyarmen  were  bold, 
and  that  they  toiled  and  slept  not,  and  were 
familiar  with  danger,   he  joined  himself  unto 
the  Pharisees. 

15.  And  he  took  unto  himself  a  wife  of  the 
women  of  Gotham,  whose  father  was  a  Phari 
see.     And  straightway   he   began   to  prosper 
and  increase  in  substance.     And  Rheet  Aylah's 
wife  conceived  and  bare  a  son,  and  called  his 
name  Jobbah. 

16.  And  Jobbah  sold  merchandise  unto  the 
sons   of  Peddullah,  his   grandfather.     But  he 
despised  them,   although   they  were  his  near 
kinsmen.      And   he   despised  his  father  also. 
For  he  said  within  himself,  They  are  Peddul- 
lahs  and  the  sons  of  Peddullahs,  and  am  I  not 
Jobbah? 

17.  And  Jobbah  also  sold  merchandise  unto 
merchants  in  the  land  of  Tshivulree,  and  some 
of  them  often  paid  him  not  for  a  long  season. 
And   he   went   southward   into   their  country, 
even  the  country  which  lieth  southward  of  the 
border  of  Masunandicsun,  to  ask  of  them  the 
money  which  they  owed  him. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     165 

1 8.  And  while  he  was  in  the  country  of  the 
Tshivulree  he  took  to  wife  a  daughter  of  one 
of  the  Meenouites  who  had  gathered  a  little 
substance,  and  had  bought  unto  himself  some 
Niggahs.     For  in  the  land  of  Tshivulree  when 
a  Meenouite  became  rich,  he  went  straightway 
and  bought  a  Niggah,  saying,  Thus  shall  I  no 
longer  be  a  Meenouite,  but  Tshivulree.     And 
it  was  so  that  when  a  Meenouite  had  bought 
many  Niggahs,  he  was  Tshivulree. 

19.  And  Jobbah's  wife  conceived  and  bare  a 
son,  and  she  called  his  name  Holz  Ayl.     For 
she  said,  he  shall  be  greater  than  his  father. 

20.  And   Holz   Ayl   dwelt   in   Gotham  and 
waxed  rich  year  by  year.     And   he   took   to 
wife  a  Gothamite  woman ;  and  she  bore  him  a 
son,  and  called  his  name  Kaudphyssh.     And 
Kaudphyssh  dwelt  in  Gotham,  and  did  mer 
chandise   there,  and  became    exceeding  rich ; 
but  after  a  little  while  he  ceased  making  mer 
chandise,  and  became  a  money-changer. 

21.  And  Kaudphyssh  went  southward,  and 
took  to  wife  a  daughter  of  one  of  the  Tshivul 
ree,  and  her  brother  took  to  wife  Kaudphyssh's 
sister.     Then  Kaudphyssh  said  within  himself, 

VER.  18.  The  change  of  name  with  the  change  of  con 
dition,  and  the  resting  of  the  latter  change  upon  the 
possession  of  a  large  household  of  bondservants  is  confirm 
atory  proof,  if  any  were  needed,  of  the  Eastern  origin  of 
this  book,  if  not  of  its  antiquity. 


l66  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

Lo,  I  am  Tshivulree ;  and  he  worshipped  the 
Great  Covenant,  and  watched  day  and  night 
over  the  everlasting  Niggah. 

22.  And  Kaudphyssh  said,  Behold  I  am  as 
a  prince  in  this  country ;  for  could  not  I  buy  a 
house  full  of  princes  such  as  there  be  among 
the  Tytchmen  ?     Therefore  will  I  live  like  unto 
a  prince.     Then  Kaudphyssh  builded  him  a 
house   like   unto   a   palace,    and  the   ceilings 
thereof  were  covered  with  gold  and  with  many 
colors,  and  it  was  adorned  with  curious  wood 
within  and  without ;  and  he  fared  sumptuously 
every  day ;  and  had  men-servants  and  women- 
servants,   and   horses    and   chariots ;    and   his 
wives  and  his  daughters  were  clothed  in  silken 
raiment  of  many    colors,    and   in    fine-twined 
linen,  like  unto  the  spider's  web,  and  in  jewels 
and  precious  stones.      And  they  went   often 
times  and  sat  in  a  pulpit  in  the  great  hall  of  the 
men-singers   and  women-singers  of  Gotham ; 
and  when  these  sang  the  music  that  they  com 
prehended  not  in  a  language  that  they  under 
stood  not,  they  clapped  their  hands  and  shouted 
with  exceeding  joy. 

23.  And  Kaudphyssh  made  great  feasts  and 
suppers,  with  music  and  dancing,  and  when  he 
made  the  feasts,  he  bade  not  only  his  friends 
and  acquaintance,  but  strangers,  that  his  house 
might  be  full ;  so  that  it  seemed  as  if  he  had 
sent  out  into  the  streets  and  the  lanes  and  had 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     167 

called  in  all  except  them  that  were  hungry,  and 
the  halt,  and  the  blind. 

24.  (For  in  Gotham  no  rich  man  gave  a 
feast  with  music  and  dancing,  unless  he  bade 
so  many  guests  that  they  could  neither  talk,  nor 
eat,  nor  hear  music,  nor  dance  in  a  manner 
convenient  for  them.     And  because  every  man, 
if  he  was  not  rich,  would  be  thought  rich,  this 
was  always  the  manner  of  feasting  in  Gotham) . 

25.  And  Kaudphyssh  went,  he  and  his  sons 
and  his  daughters,  beyond  the  sea,  to  the  land 
of  Jonbool,  and  the  land  of  the  Pahlivoos  ;  and 
they  lived  in  the  chief  city  of  the  Pahlivoos  two 
years,  and  gave  feasts  unto  the  princes  and  the 
nobles  of  the  Pahlivoos,  who  ate  their  feasts, 
and   laughed   within   themselves.      And x  they 
went  to  the  court  of  the  king  of  the  Pahlivoos, 
and  were  so  filled  with  the  glory  of  that  land 
when  they  returned  to  their  own  land,  even  to 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  there  was  not  an  end 
of  their  Pahlivooing. 

26.  Now,   the  wife  of  Kaudphyssh   had  a 
hand-maiden  which  was  a  Bihdee,  yet  was  she 
fair  to  look  upon.     And  Kaudphyssh  saw  that 
she  was  comely ;  and  he  said  within  himself, 

VER.  24.  Is  it  possible  that  after  reading  this  verse  atten 
tively  any  man  can  entertain  the  supposition  for  a  moment 
that  the  customs  of  the  city  of  Gotham  therein  recorded 
have  any  likeness  to  those  which  obtain  among  so  intelli 
gent  and  notoriously  practical  a  people  as  the  Americans  ? 


l68  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

O  that  this  land  were  a  patriarchal  land,  even 
like  unto  the  land  of  the  Ephephvees,  and  the 
country  round  about  Tshawlstn  !  for  then  would 
my  wife  own  this  hand-maiden,  and  she  would 
give  her  unto  me  to  be  my  concubine,  even  as 
Rachel  and  Leah  gave  their  hand-maidens  unto 
Jacob.  But  this  land  is  fallen  away  from  the 
faith  of  the  patriarchs  in  that  we  own  not  our 
servants,  and  our  wives  give  us  not  their  hand 
maidens  to  be  our  concubines. 

27.  But  as  to  this  woman,  mayhap  I  can  per 
suade  her.     And  he  persuaded  her.     And  she 
bore   him    a  son ;    and   she    called   his   name 
Pshawdee ;    for  she  said,  He  is  not  the  true 
thing,  yet  he  is  like  unto  it. 

28.  These,  therefore,  are  the  generations  of 
Pshawdee. 

29.  Psnawb,  who  came  from  the  land   of 
Jonbool,  begat  Peddullah ; 

30.  And  Peddullah  begat  Rheet  Aylah ; 

31.  And  Rheet  Aylah  begat  Jobbah; 

32.  And  Jobbah  begat  Holz  Ayl ; 

33.  And  Holz  Ayl  begat  Kaudphyssh  ; 

34.  And  Kaudphyssh  begat  Pshawdee  of  the 
Pahdee  woman,  which  was  his  concubine. 

35.  And    after   these   things   the   riches   of 
Kaudphyssh  vanished  away,  and  he  became 
poor,  and  was  no  more  counted  among  the  great 
men  of  Gotham.     But  he  hid  some  money  from 
his  creditors,  and  went  down  the  river  of  the 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     169 

debtors,  the  Oh-I-owe,  unto  the  country  of  the 
Repudiators  ;  and  they  welcomed  him. 

36.  And  there  he  bought  some  Niggahs  with 
the  money  that  he  had  hidden,  and  he  lived 
upon  the  wages  that  were  paid  to  him  for  their 
labor ;  and  so  at  the  last  he  -was  Tshivulree. 

15 


I7O  THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  II. 

i.  Pughtammug.  3.  Pshawdee  serveth  in  PugJitammug. 
8.  He  setteth  up  a  pour-the-roivs.  15.  Maketk  a  Cove- 
nant  ivitli  Phernandiivud.  16.  Becometh  a  Councillor 
of  Gotham.  20.  Ouahlztrete.  22.  Pshaivdce  prepareth 
akkatunak.  29.  Becometh  a  Counteractor.  31.  And  is 
exceeding  rich.  33.  Tiphphunnee. 

NOW  Pshawdee  was  twelve  years  old  when 
his  father  went  down  the  river  Oh-I-owe. 
And  he  saw  him  no  more. 

2.  And  Pshawdee's  mother's  brother  was  a 
servant  in  the  house  called  Pughtammug,  that 
was  in  manner  of  a  temple  wherein  the  men  of 
the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmichrats 
poured  out  drink-offerings  unto  Tahmunee. 

3.  And  she  said  unto  her  brother,  Cause, 
now,  my  son  Pshawdee  to  be  taken  with  thee 
into  the  house  called  Pughtammug,  that   he 
may  serve  there.    And  he  did  so.    And  Pshaw 
dee  served  there  day  and  night  for  eight  years. 

4.  And  there  came  there  daily  Pahdees  which 
were  rulers  in  the  city  of  Gotham.    And  Pshaw 
dee  served  them  as  they  poured  out  their  drink- 
offerings  ;  and  he  hearkened  unto  them  as  they 
talked  one  with  another. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


5.  And  as  he  hearkened,  he  considered  what 
they  said,  and  he  saw  that  the  way  to  become 
a  ruler  in  Gotham  was  to  be  a  Pahdee,  and  to 
set  up  a  house  wherein  men  might  pour  out 
drink-offerings  unto  Tahmunee.      And  these 
houses  were  the   synagogues  of  the   sect  of 
Smalphri   among  the  Dimmichrats,   and  they 
were  called  of  the  Pahdees  pour-the-rowses. 

6.  But  they  called  the  drink-offering  which 
was  chiefly  poured  out  in  them,  jinnanshugger. 

7.  And  Pshawdee  said  within  himself,  Be 
hold,  now  may  I  not  be  a  ruler  in  Gotham. 
For  am  not  I  almost  as  good  as  a  Pahdee? 
For  my  mother  was  of  the  Pahdees,  and  I 
should  have  been  not  almost,  but  altogether  a 
Pahdee  if  she  had  not  come  into  this  country. 
Is  it  my  fault  that  I  was  born  in  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  in  the  city  of  Gotham? 

8.  So  Pshawdee  saved  the  greater  part  of 
his  wages,  and  set  himself  diligently  to  learn 
the  art  and  mystery  of  making  and  pouring  out 
drink-offerings  ;  and  when  he  was  twenty-one 
years  old,  he  took  the  money  that  he  had  saved, 
and  other  money  that  he  borrowed,  and  he  set 
up  a  pour-the-rows,  and  himself  he  set  up  to 
be  a  teacher  of  the   doctrines  of  the  Dimmi 
chrats. 

9.  And  the  Pahdees  frequented  the  pour-the- 
rows  of  Pshawdee.     And  Pshawdee  sold  unto 
them  drink  offerings,  and  preached  unto  them 


172  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

the  doctrines  of  the  Dimmichrats  according  to 
the  sect  of  Smalphri  in  Gotham  ;  and  he  taught 
them  day  and  night,  mingling  his  ministrations 
of  doctrine  and  jinnanshugger,  so  that  in  the  end 
they  to  whom  he  ministered  could  not  tell  the 
one  from  the  other. 

10.  So  Pshawdee  began  to  increase  in  sub 
stance  and  to  have  disciples  among  the  Pah- 
dees  ;  and  he  himself  was  one  of  the  followers 
of  Phernandiwud. 

11.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  a  little  time  be 
fore  Phernandiwud  was  made   chief  ruler  of 
Gotham,  even  before  the  voices  of  the  people 
were  numbered,  that  Phernandiwud  said  unto 
Pshawdee,  how  many  men  follow  thee  and  will 
give  their  voices  as  thou  biddest  ?     And  Pshaw 
dee  ss&d,  Five  hundred.     And  Phernandiwud 
said,  What  shall  I  promise  thee  that  they  may 
give  their  voices  for  me  to  be  chief  ruler  of  the 
city? 

12.  And  Pshawdee  said,  Thou  shalt  write 
my  name  upon  the  roll  of  them  that  are  to  be 
chosen  with  thee,  that  I  may  be  made  one  of 
the  councillors  of  Gotham. 

13.  And  Phernandiwud  answered  and  said, 
What  are  five  hundred  men,  that  I  should  do 
this  great  thing  for  thee?     But  Pshawdee  said, 
Behold,  now  these  men  be  fighting  men,  Pah- 
dees,  which  love  schyndees,  and  if  thou  wilt  put 
thy  servant's  name  upon  thy  roll,  thy  servant 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  173 

will  give  unto  these  five  hundred  men  fifty 
pieces  of  silverworth  of  the  drink-offering, 
called  jinnanshugger,  and  also  a  convenient 
portion  of  doctrine  so  mingled  that  they  shall 
not  only  give  thee  their  own  voices,  but  shall 
break  the  heads  of  any  who  give  not  their 
voices  for  thee  and  for  me ;  and,  moreover,  if 
thy  servant  is  chosen  with  thee,  he  will  pay 
unto  thee  tithes  of  the  offerings,  even  the  lob 
beepheze,  and  the  pursentojobbz  that  he  re 
ceives. 

14.  For  so  it  was,  when  the  councillors  of 
Gotham  doubted  whether  it  was  right  that  they 
should  spend  the  money  of  the  people,  that 
they  who  were  to  receive  the  money  placed 
offerings,  called  lobbeepheze,  before  the  eyes 
of  the  councillors,  and  touched  their  hands 
with  other  offerings  called  pursentojobbz  ;  and 
straightway  the  eyes  of  the  councillors  were 
opened  and  their  hands  likewise,  and  they  saw 
that  for  the  good  of  the  people  it  was  needful 
that  the  money  should  be  spent ;  and  they  did 
righteously,  and  spent  it. 

VER.  14.  In  this  passage  the  translator  has  been  obliged 
to  retain  the  original  words  pursentojobbz  and  lobbeepheze 
because  there  are  no  equivalents  to  them  in  English,  the 
things  themselves  being  unknown  in  this  country  or  in 
England.  The  same  is  true  as  to  that  peculiar  drink-offer 
ing,  jinnanshugger,  and  that  striking  form  of  benevolence 
called  making  akkawnah  which  is  mentioned  in  this  chap 
ter.  15* 


174  THE    NEW    GOSpEL    OF   PEACE. 

15.  And  the  matter  pleased  Phernandiwud ; 
and  he  said  unto  Pshawdee,  Let  it  be  a  cove 
nant  between  us. 

1 6.  So  when  Phernandiwud  was  made  chief 
ruler  of  Gotham  Pshawdee  was  made,  council 
lor  ;  and  he  fed  at  the  public  crib,  and  waxed 
fat,  and  increased  in  substance.     And  he  was 
a  just  councillor,  and  an  upright ;  for  never 
would  he  give  his  voice  for  spending  the  peo 
ple's  money,  unless  lobbeepheze  were  placed 
before  his  eyes  and  his  hand  was  touched  with 
pursentojobbz.     And  he  kept  his  covenant  with 
Phernandiwud,  and  gave  unto  him  tithes  four 
times  a  year. 

17.  And  he  was  wise  in  his  generation,  and 
joined  himself  unto  the  Phlunkees,   compro 
mising  unto  the  Tshivulree,  and  giving  himself 
night  and  day  to  watching  over  the  Great  Cov 
enant.     And  in  the  eyes  of  Pshawdee  the  ever 
lasting  Niggah  was  of  all  things  most  sacred, 
excepting  only  lobbeepheze  and  pursentojobbz. 

18.  But  Pshawdee  was  not  content,  and  in 
an  evil  day  he  said  within  himself,  Verily  I  am 
one  of  the  councillors  of  this  great  city,  and  I 
increase  in  substance  day  by  day.     But  to  be  a 
councillor  of  Gotham  is  a  thing  of  small  esteem, 
save  only  among  the  Pahdees  and  the  sect  of 
Smalphri   among   the   Dimmichrats.      Behold 
now,  therefore,  I  will  no  longer  be  a  councillor 
of  Gotham,  but  I  will  take  my  gold  and  my 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  175 

silver,  and  I  will  go  into  Ouahlztrete,  and  I  will 
make  akkawnah  there  for  some  of  my  friends, 
and  I  shall  suddenly  become  very  rich  thereby, 
and  be  held  in  honor  throughout  the  city  of 
Gotham,  and  I  shall  enter  into  the  Fifth  heave- 
nue. 

19.  Now    the    paradise    of   the   people   of 
Gotham  was  in  the  Fifth  heavenue,  where  were 
the  mansions  of  the  blest.     And  the  men  of 
Gotham  toiled  and  travailed,  rising  early  and 
denying  themselves,  and  sacrificing  others,  that 
they  might  ascend  into  the  Fifth  heavenue. 

20.  And  Ouahlztrete  was  the  place  in  Gotham 
where  the   money-changers   were.      And  the 
money-changers  of  Gotham  differed  from  the 
money-changers  of  Jerusalem  and  of  Tyre  and 
Sidon  in  that  they  sold  not  only  gold  and  silver, 
but  promises,  and  dreams,  and  wishes.     And 
chiefly  they  busied  themselves  in  buying  and 
selling  dreams  and  wishes,  and  in  paying  for 
them  in  promises.     And  when  the  dreams  van 
ished  and  the  wishes  came  to  naught,  he  whose 
promises  were  greatest  paid  the  overplus  of  his 
promises  in  money. 

21.  And  in  the  tongue  of  the  men  of  Ouahl 
ztrete  to  make  akkawnah,  was  for  a  man  to  sell 
unto  his  friends  and  acquaintance  dreams  and 
wishes,  and  to  take  their  promises  therefor,  and 
then  to   cause  the  dreams  to  vanish  and  the 
wishes  to  come  to  naught,  and  to  receive  from 


176  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

them  the  overplus  in  gold  and  silver,  to  their 
ruin. 

22.  So  Pshawdee  went  into  Ouahlztrete  and 
craftily  prepared  akkawnah ;    but  it  came  to 
pass  that  on  the  morning  when  he  looked  to 
find  his  friends  therein,  he  lifted  up  his  eyes, 
and  behold  he  was  in  akkawnah  himself. 

23.  So  his  dreams  vanished,  and  moreover 
his  money  vanished  with  them ;  yet  not  alto 
gether,  for  like  his  father  Kaudphyssh,  he  hid 
some  and  went  down  the  river  Oh-I-owe.     Yet 
he  went  not  into  the  country  of  the  Repudia- 
tors,   but   tarried    at    the   city   of    Swine-sin- 
naughty. 

24.  And  he  changed  his  name  and  called 
himself  Pshalmur,  and  he  dyed  his  beard  and 
altered  the  fashion  of  his  garments,  so  that  his 
former    acquaintance    in    Gotham   would   not 
know  him.     Yet  no  man  sought  him  out,  for 
he  was  an  obscure  man,  and  it  is  not  the  man 
ner  of  the  men  of  Ouahlztrete  to  sue  each 
other  at  the  law. 

25.  And  when  Pshawdee  saw  that  the  peo 
ple   of  Swine-sin-naughty   did   nothing   night 

VER.  24.  In  the  new  name  assumed  by  Pshawdee  the  / 
appears  to  have  been  silent  as  well  as  the  /,  as  in  Psalm ; 
so  that  the  name  was  pronounced  as  if  written  shammer. 
Observe  the  charity  and  truly  pious  benevolence  of  the  men 
of  Ouahlztrete.  They  did  not  sue  each  other  at  the  law, 
and  they  diligently  prepared  akkawnah  for  each  other  which 
they  abstained  from  and  denied  themselves. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  177 

and  day  but  slay  the  unclean  beast  and  make 
him  ready  to  be  eaten,  and  that  they  waxed 
exceeding  rich  thereby,  he  took  of  his  money 
that  he  had  hidden,  and  bought  and  sold  the 
abominable  creature.  And  this  was  about  the 
last  days  when  James,  who  was  called  Facing- 
both-ways,  ruled  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

26.  Now  when  Pshawdee  saw  that  there  was 
to  be  war  in  the  land,  and  that  all  the  men  of 
the  North,  even  the  very  Dimmichrats  them 
selves,    would   fight  against  the   men   of  the 
South,  that  they  might  not  destroy  the  nation 
(for  then  there  were  no  Kopur-hedds) ,  he  said 
within  himself, 

27.  Lo,   here  is  my  opportunity ;    for  there 
will  need  to  be  food  provided  for  the  army, 
and   raiment ;   and   the   soldiers  do    eat  much 
flesh  of  the  unclean  beast.     Then  Pshawdee, 
who    called    himself    Pshalmur,    reviled    the 
Tshivulree    and   the   Phiretahs   openly  in  the 
market  places ;  and  he  went  straightway  to  the 
chief  officers  of  the  army  of  Unculpsalm  which 
were   in   the   region   round   about   Swine-sin- 
naughty,  and  covenanted  with  them  to  furnish 
meat  unto  the  armies ;  and  likewise  he  under 
took  to  furnish  them  raiment.     And  afterward 
he  went  unto  Abraham  himself ;  and  unto  his 
chief  councillor  for  war,  and  covenanted  in  like 
manner. 


178  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

28.  And  the  meat  that  he  furnished  the  sol 
diers  stank  in  their  nostrils  so  that  they  loathed 
it,  and  the  raiment  was  rotten  and  easily  rent 
in  pieces,  so  that  they  soon  had  hardly  where 
withal  to  cover  their  nakedness.     But  for  all 
this  Pshawdee  cared  nothing,  for  he  heaped  up 
riches  day  by  day. 

29.  And  he    spoke  daily  against   the    Phi- 
retahs,  saying  that  they  should  be  put  to  the 
sword,  and  that  he  would  gladly  give  up  every 
one  of  his  kinsmen   and  his  friends   and   ac 
quaintance  to  go   into   the    armies  of  Uncul- 
psalm,  even  if  they  should  be  slain. 

30.  But  he  himself  went  into  the  noble  army 
of  Counteractors  which  did  continually  praise 
Abraham.     (Yet  did  Abraham  know  the  value 
of  their  praises.)     And  his  riches  increased, 
so  that  after  a  year  had  passed,  the  city  of 
Swine-sin-naughty  became  as  a  heap  of  dirt  in 
his  eyes.     And  he  said,  I  will  go  to  Gotham 
and  become  one  of  the  great  men  of  the  city. 
And  he  went  there. 

31.  And  he  entered  into  a  mansion  in  the 
Fifth  heavenue,  with  rich  household  stuff,  and 
graven  images,  and  candlesticks  of  beaten  gold 
from  the  land  of  the  Pahlivoos,  and  horses  and 
chariots ;    and   his   wife    became   one   of   the 
women   which   swept  the   streets   of  Gotham 
(that  had  no  other  sweeping)  with  sumptuous 
apparel  of  silk  of  many  colors. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     179 

32.  (For  when  Pshawdee  was  a  servant  in 
the  house  called  Pughtammug,  he  had  taken 
to  wife  a  woman  which   lived  nigh  thereunto, 
and  she  was  the  daughter  of  a  Tytchman  that 
was  a  publican  and  host  of  a  little  inn,  and  her 
name  was  Balm-hade.) 

33.  Now  there  was  a  man  in  Gotham  whose 
name  was  Tiphphunnee,  who  was  cunning  to 
work  in  gold   and  in  silver,  and  in  precious 
stones.     And  he  made  graven  images  of  gold 
and  all  manner  of  idols  that  women  worship. 
And  he  knew  the  secrets  of  the  hearts  of  many 
of  the  rich  women  of  Gotham ;    but  he  kept 
them  within  his  own  breast. 

34.  And   when   Pshawdee   went   down   the 
river  Oh-I-owe  he   owed   Tiphphunnee  more 
than  an  hundred  and   fifty  pieces  of   silver; 
and  since  then  he  had  not  paid  them. 

35.  Nevertheless,  because  all  the  great  men 
of  Gotham  bought  of  Tiphphunnee,  Pshawdee 
went  to  him  to  buy  jewels  of  gold,  and  precious 
stones   and  vessels  of  silver  for  his  table  and 
his  house.     For,  he  said,  I  have  altered  the 
fashion   of  my  countenance  and  of   my  gar 
ments,  and  have  dyed  my  beard,  and  am  no 
more   called    Pshawdee,    but    Pshalmur,    and 
seven  years  have  passed  and  Tiphphunnee  will 
not  know  me.     Moreover,  after  six  years  I  was 
guiltless  in  this  matter ;  for  so  teacheth  Pher- 
nandiwud,  my  master  and  mine  ensample. 


l8o  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

36.  But  so  it  was  that  when  Tiphphunnee 
saw  him  he  knew  him.     For  Tiphphunnee  was 
a  wise  man  and  a  subtle,  and  his  eyes  saw  be 
neath  the  outsides  of  men.     And  Tiphphunnee 
said  within  himself,  Behold  this  man  is  called 
Pshalmur,   and  he  looketh  and  carryeth  him 
self  like  a  stranger.     But  go  to  now,  is  he  not 
Pshawdee  who  owed  me  an  hundred  and  fifty 
pieces  of   silver  when  he   was   councillor  of 
Gotham,  and  who  went  down  the  river  Oh-I- 
owe  and  paid  me  not?     And  he  despised  him 
in  his  heart. 

37.  Yet  did  Tiphphunnee  not  tell  him  that 
he  knew  him ;  for  he  was  crafty  and  said,  If  I 
tell  him  that  I  know  that  he  is  Pshawdee,  he 
will  not  surely  pay  me  the  hundred  and  fifty 
pieces  of  silver,  for  more  than  six  years  have 
gone  by,  and  he  is  a  disciple  of  Phernandiwud ; 
but  surely  he  will  buy  no  more  of  me.     But  if 
I  hold  my  peace,  I  can  sell  him  his  house  full 
of  jewels  of  gold,  and  of  precious  stones,  and 
of  vessels  of  silver,    and   receive   ready  pay 
ment  therefor.     For  he  is  rich  like  unto  Dives, 
and  he  knoweth  not  how  to  spend  his  riches 
wisely.     So  Tiphphunnee  held  his  peace  and 
profited  thereby. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  l8l 


CHAPTER  III. 

I.  The  War  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  3.  Abraham 
thrusteth  otit  Pshawdee.  10.  Ulysses  made  chief  Cap 
tain  of  the  West.  13.  He  attacketh  the  Phiretahs  in 
the  West.  16.  And  defeateth  them. 

NOW  the  war  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm 
had  continued  for  three  years,  and  came 
not  to  an  end,  and  Pshawdee  grew  richer  day 
by  day. 

2.  Yet  was  he  no  longer  in  the  noble  army 
of  Counteractors.     For  with  the  teaching  of 
the  war  Abraham  had  increased  in  wisdom, 
and  his   knees   had  become    strong,   and  the 
mighty  spirit  Bak  Bohn  dwelt  continually  with 
in  him. 

3.  Therefore  when  he  found  that  the  soldiers 
of  Unculpsalm  were  fed  with  meat  which  stank 
in  their  nostrils,  and  clothed  with  raiment  which 
was  rotten,  and  which  covered  not  their  naked 
ness,  he  thrust  Pshawdee  and  all  like  unto  him 
out  of  the  army  of  Counteractors  :  and  whereas 
he  had  aforetime  smiled  at  their  praises,  now 
he  mocked  at  their  threatenings. 

4.  So  the   people    and   the   soldiers  of  the 
armies  of  Unculpsalm    loved   Abraham,    and 
trusted  him. 

16 


1 82  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

5.  But  Pshawdee,  when  he  was  thrust  out 
of  the  army  of  Counter  actors,  ceased  to  praise 
Abraham,  and  joined  himself  unto  the  Kopur- 
hedds.     And  with  the  money  which  he  had 
already  received  he  went  again  in  to  Ouahl- 
ztrete,  and  bought  and  sold  gold  and  silver. 

6.  And  he  was  of  them  in  Ouahlztrete,  who 
strove  always  against  Abraham's  chief  treas 
urer.    And  Pshawdee,  and  those  of  whose  com 
pany  he  was,  sought  to  keep  the  gold  and  silver 
of  the  land  in  their  own  hands,    and   to  get 
great  gain  thereby  in  their  money  changing. 
And  thus  Pshawdee  grew  richer  day  by  day 
at  the  cost  of  the  people  of  the  land  of  Un- 
culpsalm. 

7.  And  it  came  to  pass  about  these  days  that 
the  captain  of  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm,  which 
were  in  the  hill  country  of  the  West,  marched 
southward  to  go  into  Jahrji. 

8.  Now  this  captain  was  a  valiant  man,  and 
in  marches  he  had  been  crafty  and  subtle,  and 
in  battle  a  conqueror.     And  he  feared  not  the 
army  of  the  Phiretahs  which  was  in  Jahrji. 
But  he  knew  not  that  Jeph  the  Repudiator  had 
sent  yet  another  army  against  him  out  of  Phar- 
jinnee. 

9.  And  as  he  marched  southward,  the  Phi 
retahs  fell  upon  him,  and  although  he  and  the 
soldiers  under  him  fought  valiantly,  the  Phi 
retahs  drove  him  back  with  great  slaughter. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  183 

Yet  did  they  not  utterly  discomfit  him.    And  he 
went  back  to  his  stronghold  and  stayed  there. 

10.  And  after  these  things,  Ulysses,  whom 
the  soldiers  called  Unculpsalm,  was  made  chief 
captain  of  all  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  in  the 
west  country. 

11.  And  Jeph  the  Repudiator  swore  a  great 
oath,  and  said  that  he  would  drive  every  man 
of  the  langkies  out  of  that  country,  though  he 
should  send  thither  every  Phiretah  who  dwelt 
south  of  the  border  of  Masunandicsun.     And 
he  sent  yet  another  army  to  come  behind  the 
army  of  Ulysses  and  cut  him  off  from  the  north 
country. 

1 2 .  But  the  soul  of  Ulysses  was  not  troubled 
either  by  Jeph's  threats  or  by  his  armies.     And 
the  latter  he  regarded  not,  but  waited  his  op 
portunity  quietly,  as  his  manner  was. 

13.  Now,  the  army  before  him  was  encamped 
upon  two  mountains,  and  had  made  itself  strong 
high  up  upon  the  sides  thereof.     And  it  came 
to  pass  that  on  a  certain  day  Ulysses  saw  that 
his  opportunity  had  come.     And  he  moved  out 
from  his  stronghold  upon  the  Phiretahs,  and 
marched  up  the  mountains  to  give  them  battle  ; 
and  the  tops  of  the  mountains  were  above  the 
clouds. 

14.  And  the  men  of  the  host  of  Unculpsalm 
climbed  up  the  mountain  where  the  way  was 
rough,  and  ran  where  the  way  was  smooth ; 


184  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

and  the  Phiretahs  shot  at  them  as  they  climbed 
and  as  they  ran. 

15.  And  that  part  of  the  host  that  was  under 
Joseph  of  Kalaphorni   kept  on  upward  even 
unto  the  cloud,  and  the  cloud  swallowed  it  up. 

1 6.  And  the  host  went  through  the  cloud, 
and  came  out  fighting.     And  Joseph  drove  the 
Phiretahs  from  the  mountain-top  and  down  upon 
the  other  side.     So  also  did  the  captain  of  the 
other  host  drive  the  Phiretahs  from  the  other 
mountain  with  great  slaughter.     And  the  Phi 
retahs  fled  that  day  from  the  face  of  Ulysses  and 
from  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  which  followed 
hard  after. 

17.  And  they  left  their  tents,  and  their  wag 
ons,  and  their  great  engines  of  war  behind  them, 
and  they  cast  away  their  weapons  as  they  fled. 
And  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  slew  them  by  the 
way  even  as  thou  goest  down  unto  Jahrji.     And 
there  fell  of  the  Phiretahs  more  than  five  thou 
sand  men  that  day,  besides  seven  thousand  that 
were  taken  captive. 

18.  And  the  captain  of  the  other  army  of  the 
Phiretahs  saw  that  Ulysses  had  been  wise  in 
that  he  had  not  regarded  him   and  his  host. 
And  he  saw  that  he  could  not  stand  before 

'Ulysses  ;  and  he  gat  himself  quickly  backward 
toward  Pharjinnee.  And  thus  the  boasting 
and  the  oaths  of  Jeph  the  Repudiator  were 
brought  to  naught. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  185 

19.  And  the  fear  of  Ulysses  fell  upon  the 
Phiretahs  and  the  Tshivulree ;  and  they  said, 
Who  is  this  langkie  that  marcheth  in  upon  us 
and  overcometh  us  upon  our  own  ground,  and 
driveth  us  out  of  our  strongholds  ? 

20.  And  they  sought  no  more  to  fight  with 
Ulysses  until  they  had  made  greater  prepara 
tion  against  him.     And  Jeph  sent  out  through 
all  the  country  where  his   armies  were,  and 
gathered  together  all  except  the  halt  and  the 
blind  and  them   that  were   bed-rid   or  feeble 
with  age,  and  compelled  them  into  his  armies. 
But  the  Niggahs  he  left  at  home  to  till  the 
ground. 

16* 


l86  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

I.  The  Armies  of  Unculpsalm  rest.  3.  Ben  Hit  the  Scribe. 
6.  Ulysses  made  Chief  Captain  over  all  the  Armies  oj 
Unculpsalm.  9.  Abraham  hath  familiar  Spirits.  15. 
Miscege  Nation.  29.  John  See  of  Mah  Rippozah.  31. 
What  he  did.  32.  And  -what  he  did  not  do.  46.  The 
outlandish  men  set  up  John  See  to  be  chosen  Chief  Ruler. 
54.  Who  they  ivere  that  called  the  Assembly  to  set  him 
up.  58.  Pshaw  dee  joineth  himself  unto  them  that  set  up 
John  See. 

AND  after  these  things  the  winter  came  on, 
and  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  rested  in 
their  camps. 

2.  And  the  time  drew  nigh  when  the  people 
should  choose  again  their  chief  ruler. 

3.  And  a  certain  scribe  named  Ben  Hit,  who 
was  not  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  but  who 
came  from  the  land  of  Psawknee,  which  is  a 
province  of  the  land  of  Jonbool,  said,  let  us 
make  Ulysses  chief  ruler.     For  Ben  Hit  said, 
If  I  name  Ulysses  and  he  is  chosen,  he  will  be 
gracious  unto  me. 

If.  But  Ulysses  would  not,  saying,  Let  me 
serve  in  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  until  the 
government  is  restored  throughout  the  land. 
Moreover,  Ulysses  said  within  himself,  Let  me 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  1 87 

not  be  set  up  by  Ben  Hit  to  be  chief  ruler,  for 
whomsoever  he  setteth  up  the  people  do  put 
down ;  and  he  remembered  how  when  the 
Phiretahs  first  made  war  upon  the  government 
of  Unculpsalm  at  Tshawlstn,  Ben  Hit  was  on 
their  side,  but  turned  against  them  in  one  night 
because  he  feared  the  people. 

5.  For  Ben  Hit  sought  to  please  the  people, 
and  especially  the  Pahdees,  and  to  say  what  he 
thought  they  would  have  him  to  say.     Where 
fore  many  listened  to  him,  but  no  man  regarded 
him. 

6.  And  the  people  said,  Let  Ulysses  be  made 
chief  captain  of  all  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm, 
and  be  lieutenant  unto  Abraham.     And  it  was 
so. 

7.  And  the  people  saw  that  Abraham  had 
become  wise,  and  that  his  knees  were  strong, 
and  that  he  was  a  just  man  and  kept  his  soul 
unspotted  from  corruption ;  and  they  saw  that 
in  the  first  year  of  his  rule  they  had  judged  him 
foolishly  because  of  their  own  ignorance  how 
great  a  matter  this  war  was,  and  because  they 
considered  not  that  he  had  been  made  ruler  of 
a  great  nation,  and  of  a  land  larger  than  the 
land  of  any  other  nation,  which  was  divided  by 
a  war  the  like  of  which  no  man  hath  told  or 
written  of  for  its  greatness. 

8.  And  they  saw  that  Abraham,  although  he 
had  set  his  face  like  a  flint  against  all  them  that 


1 88      THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

would  use  the  Great  Covenant  to  protect  and  to 
justify  the  Phiretahs  in  their  rebellion  and  to 
hold  the  Niggahs  in  everlasting  bondage,  was 
a  discreet  man,  and  walked  warily ;  not  setting 
himself  up  for  a  prophet,  or  the  son  of  a  pro 
phet,  or  seeking  to  become  a  preacher  of  new 
doctrine,  which  he  was  not  chosen  to  be,  but  to 
rule  the  land,  and  to  defend  it,  and  to  maintain 
the  government  thereof. 

9.  And  it  began  to  be  noised  abroad  that 
Abraham  had  two  familiar  spirits,  even  the  two 
mighty  ones,  Eumun  Aytsher  and  Kawmunz 
Entz,  and  that  these  and  the  mighty  spirit  Bak 
Bohn  were  in  league  with  him. 

10.  And  whoever   taketh   counsel  of  these 
spirits,  Eumun  Aytsher  and  Kawmunz  Entz, 
if  he  have  also  the  mighty  spirit  Bak  Bohn  to 
help  in  the  doing,  there  is  little  that  he  may 
not  accomplish. 

11.  Forasmuch,  therefore,  as  Abraham  had 
these  spirits  and  hearkened  unto  them,  he  di 
vined  the  thoughts  of  the  hearts  of  the  people, 
and  they  felt  that  he  was  one  like  unto  them 
selves,  and  they  had  faith  in  him  that  he  would 
do  what  was  acceptable  unto  them.     (For  such 
was  the  law  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.) 

12.  Wherefore  all  they  that  longed  chiefly 
for  the  preservation  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm, 
and  the  maintenance  of  the  honor  and  the  glory 
of  the  nation,  and  that  men  might  be  no  more 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  189 

held  in  bondage  within  its  borders,  wished  that 
Abraham  should  be  again  chosen  chief  ruler. 

13.  But  the  Kopur-hedds,  which  looked  for 
the  triumph  of  the  Phiretahs  while  they  yet 
professed  to  be  faithful  to  the  government  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  the  Knsuvvutivs,  which  would 
have  kept  the  nation  in  hot  water  lest  it  should 
be  scalded,  and  all  they  that  said  in  their  hearts, 
If  this  nation  cannot  be  saved  by  the  rule  of 
the  Dimmichrats  of  our  faction,  let  it  perish, 
and  be  broken  up  into  little  provinces,  wished 
that  Litulmak  the  Unready  should  be  chosen. 

14.  And  there  were  yet  others  that  wished 
not  that  Abraham   should   be   chosen    again. 
And  these  were  men  who,  like  the  Phiretahs, 
had  no  thought  but  for  the  everlasting  Niggah. 

15.  And  they  cared  not  for  the  langkie  na 
tion,  neither  for  any  nation,   save  one  called 
miscege    nation,     which,    being    interpreted, 
meaneth  no  nation. 

16.  Now,  of  these  men  few  were  langkies, 
but  almost  all  were  not  of  the  land  of  Uncul 
psalm,  but  men  born  in  other  lands,  where  they 
had  lived  in  ignorance  like  unto  outer  darkness, 
and  in  want  and  in  misery. 

17.  But  the  langkies,  whose  fathers  had  pos 
sessed  the  land>  and  had  wrested  it  from  the 
oppression  of  the   king  of  Jonbool,  and   had 
framed  the  government  thereof,   doing  battle 
and  sitting  in  council  from  generation  to  gen- 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


eration,  spake  within  themselves  and  with  each 
other,  saying  : 

1  8.  Behold,  now  we  have  accepted  this  war, 
and  are  doing  battle  with  the  Phiretahs,  for 
two  causes  ;  and  the  first  cause  is  that  our 
nation  shall  not  be  destroyed  ;  and  the  second 
cause  is,  that  the  might  of  our  nation  shall  no 
more  be  used  to  oppress  the  Niggah.  Yet  was 
the  second  cause  before  the  first  ;  for  if  we  had 
consented  unto  the  Phiretahs  that  they  should 
carry  their  Niggahs  into  the  common  land  of 
Unculpsalm  and  keep  them  there  in  bondage, 
behold,  they  would  not  have  sought  to  destroy 
the  nation. 

19.  Nevertheless,  although  we  fight  that  we 
may  no  more  oppress  the  Niggah,  yet  will  we 
not  destroy  our  nation  for  him,  being  bidden 

VER.  17.  From  this  passage  and  some  others  it  is  plain 
that  the  langkies  were  not  the  original  inhabitants  of  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  ;  but  that  they  came  from  afar  and 
possessed  it,  as  the  Hebrews  did  Palestine,  and  as  our  fore 
fathers  did  the  countries  called  after  them  England  and 
New  England.  The  land  of  Unculpsalm  seems  to  have 
been  strangely  without  a  name,  although  it  was  sometimes 
very  improperly  called  Umherrikah.  But  were  this  other 
wise,  to  call  the  langkies  after  the  name  of  this  land  would 
be  as  if  to  call  our  forefathers  in  the  time  of  Alfred  Britons, 
or  the  Normans  Frenchmen,  because  they  dwelt  for  two 
centuries  in  France,  or  the  people  who  followed  Moses 
Egyptians,  because  they  and  their  forefathers  had  been  for 
more  than  two  centuries  in  Egypt,  or  afterwards  to  call 
them  Philistines,  from  the  land  of  which  they  took  posses- 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     19! 

thereto  by  them  who,  like  the  Phiretahs,  have 
no  thought  but  concerning  him. 

20.  We  will  not  oppress  him ;  but,  although 
he  is  among  us,  he  is  not  of  us,  neither  can 
he  be.     Be  our  blood  and  the  blood  of  our 
brethren  the   price   of  his  freedom.     But  let 
him  not  come  into  our  counsels,  or  be  of  those 
which  rule   this   land.     Let   him  dwell  apart 
from  us  and  prosper. 

21.  And  as  for  these  foreigners  who  would 
teach   us  whom  we   should   choose  for  chief 
ruler,  we  rejoice  with  them  that  here,  through 
the  wisdom  and  the  blood  of  our  fathers,  they 
know  not  oppression,  and  gain  every  man  his 
bread,  he  and  his  wife  and  his  little  ones,  with 
none  to  molest  or  to  make  him  afraid.     But  it 
becometh  not  them  to  seek  to  lead  us  who  are 
this  nation,  and  who,  we  and  our  fathers,  have 
been  these  two  hundred  years,  and  who  were 

VER.  19,  20.  There  is  a  tradition  that  this  book  having 
been  written  at  the  time  of  the  civil  war,  of  which  it  is  a 
history,  those  among  the  langkies  who  had  no  thought  but 
for  the  Niggah,  and  wished  to  make  him  a  part  of  the  na 
tion,  were  its  greatest  admirers;  and  that  they  were  so 
blinded  by  their  excitement  that  they  did  not  see  the  strong 
line  of  separation  which  the  writer  draws  between  them  and 
him  in  this  passage ;  and  finally,  that  after  the  war  was 
over,  when  the  last  book  was  written,  they,  discovering  in 
their  cooler  moments  what  had  before  escaped  their  atten 
tion,  began  to  deny  the  excellence  of  the  work  which  before 
they  had  so  much  praised.  Human  nature  was  in  those 
remote  days  much  what  it  is  now. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 


taught  from  our  youth  up  in  the  law  and  in  the 
customs  of  this  land,  and  in  whom  our  knowl 
edge  and  our  love  of  this  land  and  the  laws 
and  the  customs  thereof,  have  grown  with  our 
growth  and  strengthened  with  our  strength. 

22.  They  take  too  much  upon  themselves, 
these  sons  of  Tytchmen,  and  not  they  only, 
but  certain  demagogues  of  our  own  country, 
who  would  use  them  for  their  own  advantage. 

23.  Now  the  langkies  spake  thus  in  sadness 
and  in  sorrow  of  heart. 

24.  And   chief    among    the    langkies   who 
wished   not  that  Abraham  should  be  chosen 
again  was  Philip  of  the  new  Athens,  which 
was  called  Boss-town.     But  he  had  confessed 
from  the  beginning  that  he  cared  nothing  for 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  he  had  spat  upon 
the  Great  Covenant,  and  had  reviled  the  ban 
ner  of  the  nation. 

VER.  24.  This  passage  reveals  a  singular  condition  of  af 
fairs,  and  shows  that  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  were  a  pecu 
liar  people  in  one  respect  at  least.  There  have  been  factions 
in  all  countries,  and  factions  always  denounce  each  other's 
principles  of  administration  with  bitterness  ;  but  that  a  man 
should  be  allowed  openly  to  deride  and  contemn  the  nation 
itself,  and  to  treat  its  insignia  with  scorn  and  to  teach  his 
followers  to  do  the  same,  shows  a  confidence  in  the  strength 
of  the  nation  and  a  contempt  of  the  individual  in  question, 
which  is  very  remarkable,  and,  as  the  event  in  this  case 
proved,  which  is  not  very  wise.  If  those  who  find  in  this 
book  a  parallel  to  the  history  of  our  own  country  can  dis 
cover  in  the  course  of  Philip  of  Boss-town  a  likeness  to  the 
course  of  any  of  our  public  men,  it  may  well  be  improved 
to  our  edification. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  193 

25.  Wherefore  Philip  reviled  Abraham  also. 

26.  And  of  them  who  wished  not  that  Abra 
ham  should  be  chosen  again,  many  were  men 
who   had  looked,   when  he  was    made   chief 
ruler,  that  he  would  exalt  their  horn  among  the 
people  and  make  them  his  counsellors,  his  offi 
cers,   and  his   tax-gatherers.      And  when  he 
exalted  them  not,  they  said,  Go  to,  he  is  a 
backslider,  he  careth  more  for  the  nation  of 
Unculpsalm  than  he  doth  for  the  everlasting 
Niggah. 

27.  And  many  were  men  which,  at  the  out 
breaking  of  the  war,  had  gone,  like  Pshawdee, 
into  the  noble  army  of  the  Counteractors  which 
did   continually  praise  Abraham.     But  when 
Abraham  thrust  them  out,  or  took  away  their 
gains  because  they  waxed  rich  upon  the  sub 
stance  of  the  people  and  by  the  suffering  of 
the  soldiers,  they  turned  upon  him  and  reviled 
him. 

28.  And  the  envious,  and  they  which  were 
disappointed  and  sought  revenge  against  Abra 
ham,  and  the  men  who  cared  not  for  the  lang- 
kie    nation,    neither    for    any    nation    except 
miscege   nation,    which    meaneth    no    nation, 
looked  about  to  find  a  man  whom  they  would 
set  up  to  be  chosen  for  chief  ruler. 

29.  And  they  found  John  See  of  Mah-Rip- 
pozah,  which  is  in  the  province  of  Kaliphorni. 

17 


194  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

And  this  John  See  was  of  the  race  of  the  Pah- 
livoos. 

30.  And  he,  being  made  one  of  the  high  cap 
tains  in  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm,  and  Gover 
nor  of  a  province  beyond  the  Father  of  the 
Waters,  gave  the  chief  offices  under  him  to 
outlandish  men  of  all  sorts  which  spake  not  the 
language  of  the  langkies. 

31.  And  he  took  state  upon  him,  and  went 

VER.  29.  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah  appears  to  have 
been  set  up  to  be  chosen  chief  ruler  at  some  time  previous 
to  the  great  war.  I  am  inclined  to  think  that  the  following 
account  of  him  is  strongly  tinged  with  that  uncharitable 
spirit  of  political  partisanship  which  crops  out  even  in  the 
writings  of  some  of  the  later  Hebrew  prophets.  It  seems  to 
have  been  written  at  the  very  time  to  which  it  refers,  and 
must  be  regarded  almost  in  the  light  of  what  in  our  country 
and  in  these  days  we  call  a  political  campaign  document. 
From  the  previous  verse  it  would  seem  that  the  party  which 
took  up  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah  was  much  like  that 
which  joined  itself  to  David  when  he  fled  from  Saul  and 
Achish  of  Gath  to  the  cave  of  Adullam.  Indeed,  Adullam- 
itism  appears  to  be  a  constant  element  in  public  affairs. 
We  have  recently  seen  it  playing  for  a  brief  time  an  impor 
tant  part  in  British  politics ;  and  Mr.  Carpenter  tells  us 
that  just  before  our  last  election  for  President,  Mr.  Lincoln 
asked  a  Member  of  Congress  "if  he  remembered  the  text 
which  his  friends  had  recently  applied  to  Fremont,  and  in 
stantly  turned  to  a  verse  in  the  first  of  Samuel,  put  on  his 
spectacles,  and  read  in  his  slow,  peculiar,  and  waggish 
tone :  '  And  every  one  that  was  in  distress,  and  every  one 
that  was  in  debt,  and  every  one  that  was  discontented, 
gathered  themselves  unto  him,  and  he  became  a  captain 
over  them,  and  there  were  with  him  about  four  hundred 
men.' " 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     195 

in  a  chariot  with  many  horses,  and  with  men 
to  go  before  and  to  come  after,  and  with  a 
guard  of  horsemen  which  were  outlandish  nien, 
which  is  not  the  manner  of  the  langkies. 

32.  And  he  led  his  army  not  often  to  battle 
and  never  to  victory. 

33.  But  he  was  swift  to  meddle  with  the  ever 
lasting  Niggah,  and  he  made  a  proclamation 
concerning  him,  for  he  thought  that  the  people 
would  say,  Lo,  a  leader  is  born  unto  us  ! 

34.  Then  Abraham  said,  I  made  thee  not 
governor  that  thou  mightest  meddle  with  the 
everlasting  Niggah,  but  deal  with  the  enemies 
of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.     Behold,  the  time 
to  meddle  with  the  Niggah  is  not  yet  come, 
and  it  is  for  me  to  judge  when  it  cometh.    Take 
not  so  much  upon  thee  and  call  back  thy  proc 
lamation. 

35.  Then  was  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah 
wroth,  and  from  that  time  forth  he  loved  not 
Abraham. 

36.  And  Abraham,  because  he  found  him 
not  prudent  in  council  or  cunning  to  fight,  re 
moved  John  See  from  being  governor ;  but  to 
please  the  outlandish  men,  which  were  many, 
he  made  him  chief  captain  of  the  armies  in  the 
hill-country  of  Pharjinnee.     But  again  he  led 
not  his  men  to  victory,  neither  did  he  anything 
good  or  bad ;  and  his  weak  devices  were  brought 
to  naught. 


196  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

37.  And  soon  after  these  things  Robbutleeh 
fell  upon  the  army  of  Litulmak  the  Unready, 
which  was  in  the  eastern  coasts  of  Pharjinnee, 
and  drove  Litulmak  out  of  his  encampment  and 
fought  with  him  for  six  days,  and  yet  neither 
destroyed  nor  conquered  him,  but  on  the  sixth 
day  fled  from  before  the  face  of  the  men  of  Un- 
culpsalm,  so  that  Litulmak  might  have  chased 
them  and  put  them  to  the  sword,  and  taken 
their  chief  city.     Yet  did  he  not,  because  he 
was  unready. 

38.  Wherefore  Abraham  took  from  him  the 
command,  and  made  John  the  Boaster  chief 
captain  over  all  the  armies  in  Pharjinnee. 

39.  And  Litulmak,   although  he  had  been 
chief  captain  over  all  the  armies  of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  all  the  captains  thereof,  and 
the  officers  thereof,  yet  rebelled  not,   neither 
did  he  murmur,  but  took  his  place  under  John 
the  Boaster,  saying,  Be  it  unto  thy  servant  even 
as  thou  wilt,  only  let  me  serve  the  land  of  Un 
culpsalm  in  the  armies  thereof. 

40.  Wherefore  the  people  said,  Litulmak  is 
indeed  unready,  but  behold   now  he  is  not  a 
self-seeker,  and  he  loveth  this  land  and  this 
people.     (And  after  this,  Litulmak  was  restored 
again,  and  drove  Robbutleeh  out  of  the  prov 
ince  which  is  called  the  land  of  Mary.) 

VER.  39.  See  Abraham's  parable  concerning  these  events 
in  this  Book,  Chap.  VII.   55-59. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     197 

41.  But  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah  said, 
Go  to,  now,  I  will  not  fight  if  John  the  Boaster 
be  made  chief  captain  of  the  armies  in  Phar- 
jinnee.     Behold,  he  is  as  the  dirt  beneath  my 
feet,  and  it  becometh  not  me  to  be  commanded 
by  him. 

42.  So  likewise  said  all  the  outlandish  men, 
and  the  men  who  had  no  thought  for  the  nation 
of  Unculpsalm,  but   only  for  the   everlasting 
Niggah. 

43.  And  John  See   of  Mah-Rippozah  said 
unto  Abraham,  I  pray  thee,  now,  command  thy 
servant  that  he  may  no  more  be  captain  over 
the  army  in  the  hill-country.     And  Abraham 
did  so. 

44.  And  from  that  day  John  See  of  Mah- 
Rippozah  appeared  no  more  in  the  armies  of 
Unculpsalm,  yet  did  he  keep  his  captainship ; 
for  he  said  within  himself,  Abraham  will  not 
dare  to  take  away  my  captainship  for  fear  of 
the  outlandish  men,  and  the  men  who  have  no 
care  for  this  nation,  which  are  my  followers. 

45.  And  I  shall  wait,  and  peradventure  my 
time  will  come,  even  as  Phernandiwud's  time 
came  unto  him,  to  declare  the  new  gospel  of 
peace  when  Abraham  sent  out  Clement,  the 
lawgiver,  among  his  friends  the  Phiretahs. 

46.  So  when  the  Tytchmen,  and  the  Pahli- 
voos,   and   the   outlandish   men,  and  all  they 
which  had  no  thought  except  for  the  everlasting 

17* 


198  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

Niggah,  and  they  who  had  turned  against 
Abraham  because  he  had  not  exalted  their  horn 
among  the  people,  looked  for  a  man  to  set 
up  to  be  chosen  chief  ruler, 

47.  They  said,  Let  us  set  up  John  See  of 
Mah-Rippozah . 

48.  And  when  men  asked,  Why  will  ye  set 
up  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah?  what  hath  he 
done  that  we  can  say,  therefore  he  should  be 
chosen  ? 

49.  He  hath  sat  among  our  lawgivers,  but 
he  hath  framed  no  law,  neither  hath  he  given 
any  counsel.     He  hath  commanded  our  armies, 
but  he  hath  not  led  them  to  victory.     He  hath 
sought  the  westward  path  of  our  empire :  but 
was  it  not  found  by  Kit,  the  son  of  Kar?  Why, 
therefore,  should  he  be  set  up? 

50.  And  the  outlandish  men,  and  the  disap 
pointed  men,  and  the  men  who  had  no  thought 
for  the  nation,  could  only  answer  and  say : 

51.  He  hath  meddled  with  the  everlasting 
Niggah  before  his  time,  not  waiting  to  see  the 
signs  of  the  times  as  Abraham  doth.     But  they 
said  one  to  another,  We  will  take  vengeance 
upon  Abraham,  because  he  made  John  See  of 
Mah-Rippozah    take    back    his    proclamation 
about  the  everlasting  Niggah ;  and  moreover, 

VER.  49.  This  Kit,  the  son  of  Kar,  seems  to  have  done 
very  much  for  his  country  what  Christopher  Carson  did  for 
ours. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     199 

because  he  made  him  not  captain  over  the 
armies  of  Pharjinnee  instead  of  Litulmak  the 
Unready.  And  also  John  See  saw  that  his 
time  was  come  to  be  avenged  upon  Abraham. 

52.  So  the  outlandish  men,  and  the  disap 
pointed  men,  and  the  men  who  had  no  thought 
for  the  langkie   nation,  but  only  for  miscege 
nation,  took  counsel  together  with  John  See  of 
Mah-Rippozah,  to  set  him  up  to  be  chief  ruler 
of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

53.  And  they  wrote  papers  and  signed  their 
names  thereunto,  and  sent  them  abroad  through 
out  the  land,  calling  upon  the  people  to  assem 
ble  themselves  together  and  set  up  John  See  of 
Mah-Rippozah  to  be  chosen  chief  ruler. 

54.  And  they  that  signed  the   papers  were 
Knowbuddee,  Zwei-lager,  Gnowb  Oddy ,  Phites- 
midseegel    and    Runsmiddimdoo   his   brother, 
Phreduglee  (which  was  an  everlasting  Niggah) , 
Schnappsundpretzels,  Nobe  Odhee,  Elizabeth 
who  was  surnamed  Cadydid-an-cadydidnt,  Gno 
Buddhee,  Schnupftabak,  Nohb  Uddy,  and  cer 
tain  of  the  tribe  of  Xctzschtxyzcskj. 

VER.  54.  From  the  names  in  this  passage  it  would  seem  that 
John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah's  following  was  almost  entirely 
composed  of  outlandish  men,  and  as  the  writer  was  plainly 
one  of  the  extreme  langkies,  or  native  party,  they  receive 
very  little  consideration  at  his  hands.  It  is  impossible  for 
even  the  most  diligent  seekers  after  parallels  to  find  in 
these  names  any  hints  to  serve  their  purpose ;  but  they 
profess  to  have  discovered  in  them  prototypes  of  General 
Siegel,  Frederic  Douglas,  and  Mrs.  Elizabeth  Cady  Stan- 
ton. 


2OO  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

55.  And  they  hired  scribes  to  write  a  book 
week  by  week,  telling   the   people   that  they 
should  choose  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah  to 
be  chief  ruler,  but  chiefly,  that  they  should  not 
choose  Abraham.     And  they  called  the  name 
of  the  book  No  Nation ;   for  thus,  they  said, 
shall  it  be  if  we  prosper. 

56.  Now  when  Pshawdee  heard  these  things, 
he  said  within  himself,  Do  I  not  desire  that 
Litulmak  shall  be  chosen  that  I  may  avenge 
myself  upon  Abraham,  and  moreover  that  the 
war  may  not  be  put  an  end  to  by  Ulysses,  but 
may  continue,  and  I  may  again  become  one  of 
the  noble  army  of  the  Counteractors,  and  that  the 
nation  may  be  saved  only  by  the  Dimmichrats 
of  my  faction,  and  by  the  ministration  of  the 
new  gospel  of  peace  which  was  declared  by 
Phernandiwud,  my  master  ? 

57.  And  he  said  unto  the  Kopur-hedds  and 
the  men  of  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the  Dim 
michrats,  and  to  the  Phiretahs  which  dwelt  in 
the  north  country,  serving  their  master,  Jeph 
the  Repudiator : 

58.  Go  to  now,  let  us  craftily  set  on  these 
men  to  set  up  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah ;  for 
so  shall  we  divide  the  men  who  would  give 
their  voices  against  Litulmak,  and  who  believe 

VER.  55.  No  Nation.  Brown,  Jones,  and  even  Robinson 
suspect  corruption  here,  and  would  read  New  Nation ;  but 
it  is  unsafe  to  disturb  the  original  text. 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  2OI 

not  in  the  new  gospel  of  peace  which  was  de 
clared  by  Phernandiwud ;  and  it  shall  be  that 
in  the  day  when  the  chief  ruler  is  chosen,  Lit- 
ulmak  will  have  more  voices  than  either  Abra 
ham  or  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah.  So  shall 
we  make  the  wrath  fo  our  enemies  to  serve  us. 
59.  And  they  did  so.  And  Pshawdee  and 
all  they  which  like  him  were  disciples  of  the 
new  gospel  of  peace  declared  by  Phernandi 
wud,  gave  money  unto  the  scribes  which  wrote 
the  No  Nation,  and  went  about  saying  that  the 
only  man  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  who  could 
save  the  land  from  being  delivered  over  by 
Phernandiwud  and  his  faction  into  the  hands 
of  Jeph  the  Repudiator  was  John  See  of  Mah- 
Rippozah,  and  that  the  only  nation  which  was 
worthy  to  live  in  that  land  was  miscege  nation. 


2O2  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE, 


CHAPTER  V. 

I.  The  Fairs  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  The  great  Fair 
in  Gotham.  10.  Jonaydics.  12.  Pshawdee  seeketh  to  be 
one  of  the  chief  officers.  13.  Sussah-ettee,  Fuss-people. 
22.  The  Eunuch  kluhbb.  30  Pshatvdee  seeketh  to  join 
himself  unto  the  Eunuch  kluhbb.  36.  Augustus  the 
money-changer. 

NOW  it  came  to  pass  about  these  days,  that 
the  inhabitants  of  the  north  country  of 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm  set  up  fairs  in  their 
towns  and  in  their  cities,  and  the  gains  thereof 
they  gave  unto  them  who  ministered  unto  the 
sick  and  wounded  in  the  armies. 

2.  For  in  the  beginning,  indeed,  there  were 
women  who  sought  to  sit  by  the  bedsides  of 
the  sick  and  wounded,  clad  in  white  raiment, 
with  vials  of  odors,  and  handkerchiefs  of  fine- 
twined  linen,  and  fans  in  their  hands,  and  to 
pour  the  odors   upon   the  handkerchiefs,  and 
to  wash  therewith  the  foreheads  of  the  sick  and 
wounded,  and  to  fan  them  with  their  fans :  so 
that  at  first  to   every  man  that  was  wounded 
there  were  many  women  with  fans  and  hand 
kerchiefs  and  vials  of  odors. 

3.  And  of  the  women   many  were  virgins 
well  stricken  in  years. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  2O3 

4.  But  so  it  was  that  as  the  war  went  on,  the 
number  of  the  wounded  soldiers  increased,  and 
the  number  of  the  women  with  vials  of  odors 
and  with  handkerchiefs  and  with  fans  in  their 
hands  diminished.     Likewise  it  was  found  that 
men  wounded  in  battle  needed  other  ministra 
tion. 

5.  Therefore  certain  men  joined  themselves 
together  to  minister  to  the  wounded  in  the  bat 
tle  where  they  fell,  and  to  take  them  from  the 
battle   into   houses  to  minister  to  them  there. 
And  it  was  unto  the  men  who  had  thus  joined 
themselves  together  that  the  gains  of  the  fairs 
were  given. 

6.  And  there  was  a  great  fair  in  Gotham. 
And  of  all  the  fairs  which  were  given  in  those 
days  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  or  which  had 
been  given  theretofore,  or  which  shall  be  given 
hereafter  throughout  all  the  world,  the  Great 
Fair  of  Gotham  was  the  greatest  fair. 

7.  And  all  the  people  in  Gotham  and  in  the 
country  roundabout,  even  in  Jahrzee,  which  lieth 
on  the  other  side  of  the  great  river,  the  river 
Hutzoon,  and  which  men  say  is  not  within  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  ;  the  men  and  the  women, 
the  young  men  and  the  maidens,  the  old  men  and 
the  children ;  the  merchants  and  the  artificers, 
and  the  workers  in  gold  and  in  iron ;  the  ship- 
men,  and  all  them  which  handle  the  oar ;  the 
carpenters,   and   they  that   hewed  stone,    and 


204  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

they  that  tilled  the  ground ;  the  singing-men 
and  the  singing- women,  and  all  they  that  were 
cunning  with  their  hands  to  make  needle-work 
of  divers  colors  on  both  sides  ;  and  the  Scribes, 
and  the  Pharisees,  and  the  Phyarmen,  and  the 
virgins  well  stricken  in  years,  joined  them 
selves  together  in  the  Great  Fair  of  Gotham. 

8.  And  only  they  withheld  themselves  which 
were  Kopur-hedds,  and  wished  well  unto  the 
Phiretahs. 

9.  And  there  were  fourscore  officers  of  men 
and  of  women  in  this  fair,  and  the  chief  officer 
was  Jonaydics,  who  was  also  high  captain  in 
Gotham  and  in  all  the  country  roundabout,  and 
beyond  Boss-town  unto  the  farthest  boundaries 
of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  as  thou  goest  north 
ward,  even  unto  Ouaydow  Neest. 

10.  And  Jonaydics  was  a  learned  man,  and 
a  man  of  wisdom  and  of  courage ;  and  when 
the  Phiretahs  first  lifted  up  the  standard  of  re 
volt,  and  while  the  Phlunkees  were  compro 
mising  themselves   yet  more  unto  them,  and 
Phernandiwud   crawled   on    his    belly   before 
Robert  of  Jahrji  who  dwelt  among  the  tombs, 
Jonaydics,    being   then    chief   treasurer,    had 
commanded  one  of  his  officers  that  if  any  man 
should  pull  down  the  banner  of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  he  should  be  put  to  death  upon  the 
spot.     And  Jonaydics  had  been  a  Dimmichrat, 
but  not  after  the  order  of  Phernandiwud. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     205 

11.  Wherefore  Jonaydics  was  held  in  honor 
throughout  all  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  which 
was  not  in  the  hands   of  the  Phiretahs ;  and 
especially  was  he  held  in  honor  in  the  city  of 
Gotham. 

12.  Now  Pshawdee,  although  he  cared  not 
for  the  soldiers,  except  to  furnish  them  with 
meat  that  stank  in  their  nostrils  and  raiment 
that  covered  not  their  nakedness,  sought  dili 
gently  to  become  one  of  the  chief  officers  of 
the  Great  Fair  in  Gotham.     And  the  reason  of 
his  seeking  was  this  : 

13.  In  the  city  of  Gotham  there  was  an  order 
of  men  and  women  which   called  themselves 
Sussah-ettee,   and  the  people  which  belonged 
thereunto  were  called  Fuss-people. 

14.  And  most  of  them  were  of  the  tribe  of 
Phung  Uz,  and  many  of  them  were  rich.    And 
they  set  much  by  themselves  because  they  were 
Sussah-ettee. 

15.  And  among  themselves  they  could  say 

VER.  14.  This  tribe  of  Phung  Uz,  although  ephemeral, 
seems  to  have  been  very  ancient  in  its  origin.  Job,  the 
Chaldean,  dwelt  in  the  land  of  Uz ;  but  manifestly  he  was 
not  of  this  tribe.  Sussah-ettee  was,  however,  doubtless  es 
tablished,  even  at  that  remote  period,  for  one  of  his  kins 
men  is  recorded  as  having  said  to  him,  "We  are  the  peo 
ple  ;  "  and  this  doctrine  is  the  cardinal  one  in  that  order. 
His  kinsmen,  too,  were  plainly  Fuss-people  —  at  least  we 
may  be  sure  that  he  so  regarded  them.  They  were  doubt 
less  also  of  the  sect  of  Olephogees  afterward  mentioned. 
This  sect  has  not  yet  disappeared  from  the  earth. 
18 


206  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

nothing  worse  of  any  others  than  that  they 
were  not  Sussah-ettee;  yet  no  man  could  tell 
wherein  they  differed  which  were  Sussah-ettee 
from  many  which  were  not. 

1 6.  For  so  it  was  that  there  were  those  (yet 
were  they  few)   that  were   Sussah-ettee,   and 
that  were  not  of  the  tribe  of  Phung  Uz,  and 
there  were  many  that  were  rich  that  were  not 
Sussah-ettee.     So  that  no  man  which  was  not 
himself  Sussah-ettee  could  distinguish  in  the 
matter. 

17.  Nevertheless,    great    multitudes    sought 
nothing  else  day  or  night  but  to  be  Sussah- 
ettee  ;    and  they  bowed  themselves  down  unto 
them  which  they  thought  were  Sussah-ettee, 
and  they  looked  with  scorn  upon  those  which 
they  thought  were  not.    And  each  of  them  which 
strove  to  be  Sussah-ettee  also  endeavored  to  pre 
vent  the  others  from  becoming  Sussah-ettee ; 

18.  For   he   said   within   himself,    In  what 
shall  I  be  better  than  my  neighbor,  if  he  who 
has  been  my  companion  these  many  years  shall 
also  become  Sussah-ettee? 

19.  And  there  was  Sussah-ettee  in  the  other 
cities  and  towns  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  in 
Boss-town,  in  Coo-acre  city,  and  even  in  the 
city   of    Swine-sin-naughty.      Nay,    is    it   not 
written  that  in  the  villages,  and  in  the  alms- 
houses,  and  in  the  very  prisons,  they  did  set 
up  the  order  of  Sussah-ettee  ? 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  207 

20.  Now  Pshawdee,  when  he  had  grown  rich 
and  dwelt  in  Gotham,  sought  diligently  to  be 
come  Sussah-ettee.     And  he  made  great  feasts 
in  his  house  with  music  and  dancing,  and  his 
chambers  were  filled  with  light,  and  with  the 
noise  of  minstrels,  and  his  tables  were  covered 
with  vessels  of  gold  and  with  vessels  of  silver, 
so  that  there  were  no  feasts  so  sumptuous  as 
the  feasts  of  Pshawdee. 

21.  And   many  went  to   these   feasts;    and 
some  of  them  were  of  the  tribe  of  Phung  Uz, 
and  some  were  of  the  noble  army  of  Counter- 
actors.     But  Pshawdee  thought  within  himself 
that  they  were  not  Sussah-ettee. 

22.  Wherefore  Pshawdee  said,  I  must  join 
myself  unto  the  Eunuch-kluhbb,  and  then  shall 
I  become  Sussah-ettee. 

23.  For  in  Gotham  the  synagogues  in  which 
men  gathered  together  to  worship  according  to 
the  order  of  Sussah-ettee,  were  called  kluhbbs ; 
and  the   Eunuch-kluhbb  was  the  chief  of  all 
these  in  Gotham,  because  in  it  there  were  gath 
ered  together  more  of  the  sect  of  the  Olepho- 
gees.     And  not  many  of  the  Olephogees  be  of 
the  tribe  of  Phung  Uz. 

24.  Now,  this  synagogue  was  not  called  the 
Eunuch-kluhbb  because  the  men  therein  were 
eunuchs  indeed.     For  in  the  beginning  it  was 
called  the  Eunyun-kluhbb ;  and  it  did  profess 


208  THE    NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

great  love  unto  the  land  and  the  government 
of  Unculpsalm. 

25 .  But  it  came  to  pass  that  there  was  a  man 
of  the  circumcision,  whose  name  was  Judah, 
who  joined  himself  unto  this  synagogue ;  and 
he   was  of  the   tribe  of  Benjamin.     And   he 
dwelt  in  the  south  country,  in  a  city  on   the 
borders  of  the  Father  of  Waters.     And  he  was 
not  Tshivulree ;   for  they  of  the  circumcision 
are  never  Tshivulree,  but  he  was  a  Phiretah. 

26.  And  when  the  standard  of  revolt  was 
set  up  against  the  government  of  Unculpsakn, 
this  circumcised  Phiretah  became  one  of  the 
chief  counsellors  of  Jeph  the  Repudiator. 

27.  Wherefore  certain  of  them  which  were 
of   the    Eunyun-kluhbb    said,    Let    us    now 
straightway  put   out   this  Judah,  because   he 

VER.  25.  This  passage  would  seem  to  show  that  the  au 
thor  wrote  before  the  Babylonish  captivity,  after  which  the 
tribe  of  Benjamin  ceased  to  exist.  The  statement  that  they 
of  the  circumcision  are  never  Tshivulree  reveals  an  ac 
quaintance  with  the  character  of  the  Orientals  of  anti 
quity,  as  it  is  revealed  to  us  in  the  earliest  authorities.  For 
the  Tshivulree  seem  to  have  been  an  exaggeration,  a  sort  of 
caricature  of  gentlemen;  and  it  is  remarkable  that  in  all 
the  Hebrew  Scriptures,  intimate  as  are  their  revelations  of 
character  and  multitudinous  as  are  the  personages  with 
whom  they  make  us  acquainted,  there  are  only  three  who 
can  be  called  gentlemen,  — Joseph,  Esau,  and  Jonathan. 
Joseph  in  his  behavior  to  his  brothers,  and  in  his  conduct 
in  Pharaoh's  house,  and  Esau  in  his  relations  to  that  mean 
est  of  mortals,  Jacob,  showed  themselves  eminently  gentle 
men. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


rebelleth   against  the   government   of  Uncul- 
psalm,  and  seeketh  to  destroy  this  nation. 

28.  But  the  others  answered  and  said,  Not 
so.     For   here   we  do  worship   Sussah-ettee  ; 
and  what  is  it  to  Sussah-ettee  whether  the  gov 
ernment  of  Unculpsalm  .be  cast  down,  and  trje 
nation  destroyed,  and  the  land  divided,  or  no? 

29.  And  they  that  said  thus  were  many,  and 
the  others  were  very  few.     So  Judah  was  not 
put  out.     Wherefore,  and  because  that  the  men 
of  the  Eunyun  held  themselves  aloof  from  the 
Great  Fair  of  Gotham,  the  people  said,  Let 
this  kluhbb  no  more  be  called  the  Eunyun  but 
the  Eunuch  ;  for  the  love  of  these  men  for  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  bringeth  forth  nothing. 

30.  Then  Pshawdee,  who  was  called  Pshalm- 
ur,  when  he  returned  to  Gotham,  sought  to  be 
one   of  the   Eunuch-kluhbb.     And   they  that 
were  already  of  it  considered  the  matter  and 
said,  Let  us  receive  this  Pshalmur  among  us, 
for  he  is  rich.     But  some  said,  He  is  of  the 
tribe  of  Phung  Uz,  and  he  seeketh  secretly  to 
destroy  this  government. 

31.  And  when  no  man  hearkened  unto  them, 
and  the  other  were  about  to  receive  him,  Tiph- 
phunnee  said  unto  one  of  them, 

32.  Know  ye  whom  ye  are  about  to  choose. 
This  Pshalmur  is  Pshawdee,  who  is  the  son  of 
Kaudphyssh,  which  the  Bidhee,  his  concubine, 

18* 


2IO  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

bore  unto  him,  and  who  was  one  of  the  coun 
cillors  of  Gotham. 

33.  Then,  although  they  had  cared  not  that 
Judah  had  revolted,  and  were  about  to  receive 
Pshawdee   although   he   was   of  the   tribe  of 
Ehung  Uz  and  was  a  Kopur-hedd,  they  all  gave 
their  voices  against  him,  because  he  was  the 
son  of  a  Bihdee,  which  was  concubine,   and 
because  he  had  been  one  of  the  councillors  of 
Gotham. 

34.  So  Pshawdee  was  not  received  into  the 
Eunuch-kluhbb.      And  when   the  Great  Fair 
was  set  up  he  said,  Now  will  I  offer  to  give 
largely  of  my  substance  unto  the  fair,  and  then 
they  will  make  me  one  of  the  chief  officers 
thereof,  and  I  shall  be  one  of  the  Fuss-people, 
and  peradventure  I  may  even  become  Sussah- 
ettee. 

35 .  But  although  he  promised  to  give  largely 
of  his  substance,  Pshawdee  was  not  made  one 
of  the  chief  officers ;  for  they  said,  The  people 
will  give  us  money ;  and  it  is  better  for  us  even 
that  our  chief  officers  should  be  without  money 

VER.  33.  I  would  willingly  believe  either  that  this  pas 
sage  has  been  tampered  with  by  transcribers  or  that  it  is 
deformed  by  that  spirit  of  party  which  sometimes  appears 
in  this  work.  Otherwise  it  would  be  impossible  to  believe 
that  these  men  of  the  Eunuch-kluhbb  were  not  all  sons  of 
Psnawb  and  brothers  of  Pshawdee ;  which  fact  is  not  men 
tioned  by  the  author. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  211 

than  without   honor,  or   that  the  root  of  this 
matter  should  not  be  found  in  them. 

36.  And  Augustus  the  money-changer  sought 
also  to  be  one  of  the  chief  officers  of  the  fair. 
For  he  said,  Behold  now  the  Kopur-hedds  stink 
in  the  nostrils  of  this  people  like  unto  the  flesh 
of  the  unclean  beast  which  Pshawdee  giveth 
unto  the  soldiers ;  and  the  men  who  are  chief 
officers  are  men  who  from  the  beginning  have 
not  compromised  themselves  unto  the  Phiretahs  ; 
wherefore,  if  I  be  received  among  them,  the 
people  will  forget  that  I  was  one  of  them  that 
took  counsel  together  to  raise  up  a  faction  in 
the  city  and  in  the  province  of  Gotham  to  resist 
the  government  of  Unculpsalm  and  to  help  the 
Phiretahs. 

37.  But  the   men  who  were   already  chief 
officers  said,  We  will  not  have  this  time-server 
and   men-pleaser   among   us.      Nor   shall   he 
make  of  us  which  are  whole  a  cloak  unto  his 
leprosy. 


212  THE    NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

I.  Pshawdee  seeketh  again  to  become  Sussah-ettee.  3.  Cer 
tain  men  counsel  the  Fuss-women  to  buy  no  more  sumpt- 
uotis  afparel.  6.  A-phrite  and  Adhowdee.  17.  The 
women  assemble  in  the  hall  of  Peter  the  Barrelmaker. 
23.  There  is  a  division  among  them.  30.  The  wife  of 
Pshawdee.  33.  Nah  Polion  is  wise  in  his  generation. 

AND  Pshawdee  sought  yet  again  to  make  it 
seem  that  he  was  Sussah-ettee.  For  after 
the  fair  had  come  to  an  end  (and  it  was  a  Great 
Fair,  and  the  officers  thereof  paid  unto  the  sick 
and  the  wounded  of  the  host  of  Unculpsalm  a 
million  and  two  hundred  thousand  pieces  of 
silver),  the  women  which  had  been  officers 
thereof  said  one  to  another, 

2.  What  shall  we  do  that  we  may  not  sud 
denly  pass  away  from  before  the  eyes  of  this 
people,  and  that  we  ourselves  may  not  sink 
under  the  burden  of  this  quiet  which  falleth 
upon  us,  now  that  there  is  no  longer  a  fair  in 
Gotham  ? 

VER.  2.  The  scholiast  would  have  it  that  it  was  from  the 
fact  that  these  women  were  oppressed  by  quiet  that  they 
derived  their  name  of  Fuss-women  or  Fuss-people?  why, 
who  can  discover?  But  modern  critics  suggest  that  Fuss 
is  a  corruption  of  First.  Dr.  Trite  ingeniously  attempts  to 
reconcile  both  these  views.  The  question  is  one  that  I 
shall  not  attempt  to  unravel. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  213 

3.  And  certain  men  said  unto  them,  Behold, 
now  the  people  of  Unculpsalm  need  all  their 
money  for  the  war  that  is  in  the  land ;  yet  do 
they  pay  unto  the  Pahlivoos  and  unto  the  men 
of  Jonbool  thousands  of  thousands  of  pieces 
of  gold  every  month ;    and   of  this   ye   know 
well  how  large   a  part  is  paid  for  sumptuous 
apparel ;  for  silk  and  for  broidered  work,  and 
for  fine-twined  linen  like  unto  the  spider's  web, 
and  for  jewels  and   precious  stones,   and  for 
head-tires. 

4.  Come  now,  therefore,  join  yourselves  to 
gether  and  ask  all  the  women  of  Gotham  and 
the   country   round   about  to  join   themselves 
unto  you,  and  pledge  yourselves  solemnly  one 
to  another  in  the  hall  of  Peter  who  is  called 
the  Barrelmaker,  that  ye  will  not  buy  any  more 
silken  raiment  and  broidered  work  of  the  Pah 
livoos,  neither  fine-twined  linen  like  unto  the 
spider's  web  from  the  men  of  Jonbool ;  but  that 
until  this  war  is  ended  ye  will  buy  only  that 
raiment  and  stuff  which  is  made  in  this  land, 
even  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.     So  shall  not 
your  memory  perish  from  the  land,    and  the 
Gothamites  be  kept  in  mind  that  ye  are  Fuss- 
people. 

5.  Then  were  the  countenances  of  the  wo 
men  cast  down,  and  their  hearts  sank  within 
them. 

6.  And  they  answered  and  said,  Truly  we 


214  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

will  talk  and  busy  ourselves,  and  write  writings, 
and  call  together  assemblies,  about  this  matter ; 
but  as  to  the  thing  wrhich  ye  ask  us  to  do,  shall 
we  for  the  whole  land  of  Unculpsalm  make 
ourselves  look  each  one  like  unto  Aphrite  and 
like  unto  Adhowdee ! 

7.  Now  Aphrite   and  Adhowdee  were  evil 
spirits,  in  fear  of  which  the  women  of  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm   lived   continually ;    and   they 
feared  nothing  so  much  as  to  look  like  unto  the 
one  or  the  other. 

8.  Yet  did  no  woman  ever  see  these  spirits 
save  in  the  flesh  or  the  apparel  of  some  other 
woman ;  and  most  often  one  of  her  friends  and 
acquaintance. 

VER.  7.  The  evil  spirit  Aphrite  seems  to  have  been  the 
same  that  is  mentioned  in  another  very  widely  known 
though  much  inferior  work,  also  Oriental  in  its  origin. 
The  Thousand  and  One  Nights,  under  the  name  Ephreet 
or  Ephrite.  The  slight  difference  in  spelling  is  of  no  mo 
ment.  This  Ephreet  or  Ephrite  is  described  as  having  his 
head  in  the  clouds,  his  head  like  a  dome,  his  hands  like 
pitchforks,  a  mouth  like  a  cavern,  teeth  like  stones,  nostrils 
like  trumpets,  eyes  like  lamps,  and  legs  like  masts.  Surely 
a  woman  might  well  be  anxious  not  to  look  like  this  spirit, 
and  if  she  did,  would  be  certain  not  to  find  favor  in  the 
eyes  of  men.  But  what  do  the  female  intelligences  of  this 
enlightened  country  and  this  advanced  age,  care  for  that? 
To  the  evil  spirit  Adhowdee,  I  can  find  no  other  allusion ; 
but  a  female  critic,  upon  this  passage,  believes  that  this 
potent  fiend  was  let  loose  upon  earth  immediately  upon  the 
Fall,  and  appeared  to  Eve  as  she  sewed  together  the  first 
fig-leaves. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     2 15 

9.  And  when  a  woman  saw  that  her  friend 
was  possessed  of  one  of  these  spirits,  she  said, 
Lo,  she  looketh  like  unto  Aphrite  or  like  unto 
Adhowdee,  and  she  rejoiced  in  her  heart,  al 
though  she  mourned  outwardly ;  for  so  it  was 
that  every  woman  could  see  that  her  neighbor 
was  like  unto  Aphrite  or  Adhowdee,  but  could 
not   see   the    same    likeness   in   herself;    and 
she  thought  within  herself,  Behold,  she  hath 
this  evil  spirit  and  therefore  I  have  it  not,  and 
I  am  glorified  in  her  calamity. 

10.  And  when  a  woman  found  not  favor  in 
the  eyes  of  men  they  said,   She  is  Aphrite ; 
but  when  her  raiment  provoked  the  scorn  of 
women,  they   said,    She   is   Adhowdee ;     and 
they  believed  that  there  was  no  charm  where 
with  to  cast  out  the  evil  spirit  Adhowdee  from 
a  woman,  save  silken  raiment  made  after  the 
manner  of  the  Pahlivoos. 

11.  And  because  they  feared  more  to  look 
like  unto  Adhowdee  than  like  unto  Aphrite  (for 
they  knew  that  a  woman  might  not  seem  to  a 
man  like  unto  Aphrite,  although  she  had  on 
only  one  linen  garment) ,  therefore  was  it  that 
the  countenances  of  the  Fuss-women  fell,  and 
that  their  hearts  sank  within  them. 

12.  But  the  men,  seeing  their  perplexity,  said 
unto  them,  Why  are  ye  cast  down,  and  why 
do  your  hearts  fail  you?     For  behold,  now,  we 
do  not  ask  that  ye  should  pledge   yourselves 


2l6  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

one  to  another  not  to  wear  raiment  from  the 
land  of  the  Pahlivoos,  and  from  the  land  of 
Jonbool.  God  forbid  that  we  should  ask  the 
women  of  our  Fuss-people  to  do  such  a  thing. 

13.  Have  ye  not  all  of  you,  ye,  your  friends 
and    acquaintances,    laid    up    for     yourselves 
treasures  of  silken  apparel  and  head-tires  and 
fine-twined  linen,  which  are  enough  for  you 
to  wear  throughout  this  war ;  yea,   even  if  it 
should  continue   yet  five   years  longer !     We 
ask  ye  not  that  ye  shall  not  go  in  attire  from 
the  land  of  the  Pahlivoos  and  of  Jonbool,  but 
that  ye  shall  not  buy  the  same. 

14.  And  for  all  the  women  who  are  not  Fuss- 
people,  and  who  furnished  you  the  substance  of 
your  Great  Fair,  but  were  not  officers  of  the 
same,  and  who,  because  they  are  not  rich,  have 
not  laid  up  for  themselves  treasures  of  silken 
raiment  and  fine   linen  and  of  jewels,  when 
they  have  pledged  themselves  unto  you  not  to 
buy  soft  clothing  made  in  the  land  of  the  Pah 
livoos,  and  when  that  which  they  have  is  worn 
out,  let  them  go  in  common  raiment  made  by 
the  hands  of  langkies  in  the  land  of  Uncul- 
psalm. 

15.  And  when  the  Fuss-women  heard  of  ap 
parel  made  by  langkies  in  the  land  of  Uncul- 
psalm  they  became  pale,  and  seemed  as  if  they 
would  vanish  away ;  but  when  they  considered 
the  matter,  and  remembered  each  one  of  them 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  21 7 

that  it  was  not  she  who   should  wear  it,   the 
thing  pleased  them,  and  they  consented  to  it. 

1 6.  And  they  sent  out  a  writing ;   and  they 
signed  the  writing,  saying  unto  the  women  of 
Gotham,  Assemble  yourselves  together  at  the 
hall  of  Peter  who  is  called  the  Barrel-maker, 
and  let  us  pledge  ourselves  one  to  another  that 
we  will  buy  no  more  silken  raiment,  neither 
head-tires  from  the  land  of  the  Pahlivoos,  nor 
fine-twined  linen   like   unto   the  spider's  web, 
from  the  land  of  Jonbool,  nor  jewels  of  gold 
nor  precious  stones  from  other  lands,  while  this 
war  lasteth. 

17.  And  the  women  came  and  filled  the  hall 
*of  Peter  the  Barrel-maker,  so  that  it  was  full 
of  the  rustle  of  garments  and  the  murmur  of 
voices,  as  when  a  soft  wind  moveth  the  trees 
of  the  forest. 

18.  And   the  women  who   had   been   chief 
officers  of  the  fair  were  set  upon  an  high  place, 
and  they  were  clad  in  gorgeous  raiment,  and 
wore  marvellous  head-tires  upon  their  heads,  so 
that  the  men  looked  at  them  in  wonder  and  the 
women  with  envy ;  and  they  said,  There  have 
not  been  such  head-tires  made  in  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm,  neither  shall  be. 

19.  But  there  were  few  men  suffered  in  that 
assembly.     And  one  of  them  they  made  presi 
dent.     And  he  was  a  goodly  man  and  a  courte 
ous.     And  after   Peter   the  Barrel-maker  had 

19 


2l8  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

made  an  oration  unto  them,  the  president  read 
the  writing  and  declared  the  covenant  unto  the 
assembly. 

20.  And  he  asked  their  voices  upon  it.    And 
many  gave  their  voices  for  it.     But  when  he 
asked  again,  there  were  many  more  that  gave 
their  voices  against  it. 

21.  Whereupon  the  president  and  the  women 
which  had  been  chief  officers  of  the  fair  were 
astonished,   and   knew  not  what  to  do.     And 
the  president  said  unto  the   assembly,  Ye  do 
not  rightly  in  giving  your  voices   against  the 
writing.     For  behold,  these  women  at  whose 
call  ye   are   assembled   together,    and   which 
have  signed  the  writing,  are  Fuss-people,  and 
they  looked  not  that  any  should  speak  against 
that  which  it  seemed  good  unto  them  to  do ; 
neither  becometh  it  you  to  speak,  except  for  it; 
and  for  this  only  were  ye  gathered  together. 

22.  Then  did  he  ask  their  voices  again ;  and 
again  there  were  more  voices  against  the  writ 
ing  than  for  it,  and  there  was  confusion  and 
perplexity  upon  the   high  place.     And  there 
began  to  be  an  uproar  in  the  assembly ;  and 
certain   women  therein  lifted   up  their   voices 
against   the    women    upon    the    high    place, 
saying, 

23.  Wherefore     have    ye    brought   us   into 
this  place  to  deceive  us  ?   and  why  is  it  that 
ye  have  thus   dealt  with   us  ?     Think   ye  to 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      2 19 

blind  us  to  the  pride  and  the  naughtiness  of 
your  hearts  ? 

24.  For  indeed,  now,  it  would  be  a  good  thing 
that  we  should  keep  in  this  land  all  the  gold 
and   the    silver   which   the  women    spend   for 
sumptuous  apparel ;  and  we  would  gladly  sign 
a  writing  with  you  and  pledge  ourselves  one  to 
another  to  wear  no  garments  made  in  the  land 
of  the  Pahlivoos  and  in  the  land  of  Jonbool, 
from  this  time  forth  until  the  war  is  ended. 

25.  But  think  ye  that  we  see  not  that  ye 
promise  only  not  to  buy  this  raiment,  or  that 
we  know  not  that  ye  have  laid  up  for  yourselves 
treasure  of  silken  apparel,  and  collars  of  fine- 
twined  linen,  and  head-tires  marvellous  to  be 
hold,  and  jewels  of  gold  and  precious  stones 
enough  for  many  years,  and  that  ye  make  no 
covenant  with  us  not  to  wear  this  raiment? 

26.  Yea,  verily,  and  we  know  that  ye  will 
wear  it ;  and  that  when  we  who  have  not  laid 
up  treasures  must  needs  buy  other  raiment,  if 
we  sign  this  writing   and  make  this  covenant 
we  must  buy  raiment  made  by  langkies  in  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm ;  and  that  while  we  see 
you  arrayed  in   sumptuous   apparel,  we  shall 
look  each  one  of  us  like  unto  Aphrite  or  like 
unto  Adhowdee. 

27.  Think  ye  that  we  will  do  this  because  ye 
are  Fuss-people?     No,  not  for  the  whole  land 
of  Unculpsalm.     Come  down  therefore  among 
us  if  ye  would  serve  this  land,  and  keep  the 


220  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

gold  and  silver  within  its  borders,  and  do  as  ye 
would  make  us  do,  and  become  each  one  of 
you  like  unto  Aphrite  and  Adhowdee ;  else  will 
we  not  hearken  unto  you. 

28.  Then  the  women  upon  the  high  place 
were  dismayed,  and  their  knees  knocked  to 
gether  like  Belshazzar's ;  and  they  said  one  to 
another,  Are  we  even  as  the  simple  ones  that 
we  should  do  this  thing?     But  some  of  them 
waxed  wroth    and   said,   It  is  the   men,   it   is 
Solomon   the   Chief   Treasurer,    and    Hiram, 
whose  surname  is  Bah  Gnee,  his  minister,  who 
sitteth  at  the  receipt  of  custom,  who  have  coun 
selled  these  women,  and  have  brought  this  con 
fusion  upon  us. 

29.  And  the  saying  found  favor  in  the  eyes 
of  the  women ;  and  they  thrust  all  the  men  out 
of  the  assembly.     And  they  set  the  women  who 
refused  to  sign  the  writing  at  naught,  and  made 
a  covenant  that  was  right  in  their  own  eyes. 

30.  Now  the  wife  of  Pshawdee  had  sought 
to  join  herself  unto  these  women ;  for  she  said, 
Then  shall  my  name  be  written  upon  the  writ- 

VER.  28.  Solomon  the  Chief  Treasurer  was  removed  from 
his  treasurership  by  Abraham  and  afterward  made  Chief 
Judge  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm ;  and  Hiram  no  longer 
sat  at  the  receipt  of  custom.  His  successor  was  Simeon,  a 
goodly  man,  whose  tongue  is  said  to  have  been  like  oil  and 
who  was  wise  in  his  generation.  He  had  also  been  Chief 
Almoner  of  the  city  of  Gotham,  in  the  chronicles  of  which 
these  facts  are  recorded. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  221 

ings,  and  men  will  see  that  I  too  am  one  of  the 
Fuss-people,  and  may  become  Sussah-ettee. 
And  at  first  the  women  would  not  suffer  her. 
But  after  these  things  they  said  one  to  another, 
Behold,  now,  we  shall  need  some  one  who  is 
not  Sussah-ettee  to  appear  with  us  in  this  mat 
ter. 

31.  So  they  suffered  her.  And  after  these 
things  they  fled  each  one  of  them  into  the  far 
country,  some  into  the  mountains  and  others 
to  the  sea-side,  and  were  no  more  seen  in 
Gotham. 

.  32.  And  Nah  Pohlion,  the  king  of  the  Pah- 
livoos,  was  told  of  what  these  women  had  done. 
And  he  that  told  him  said,  Will  not  my  lord 
make  war  upon  these  langkies  whose  women 
seek  to  take  bread  out  of  the  mouths  of  the  ser 
vants  of  my  lord,  and  to  bring  his  kingdom  to 
destruction  ? 

33.  And  Nah  Polion  answered  and  said,  Not 
so  ;  neither  is  my  spirit  troubled  by  these  cove 
nants.  When  these  Fuss-women  of  Gotham  do 
no  longer  wear  the  silk  and  the  jewels  and  fine- 
twined  linen,  but  apparel  themselves  in  raiment 

VER.  33.  According  to  the  scholiast,  tradition  says  that 
Nah  Pohlion  was  right,  and  that  the  Fuss-women  of  Go 
tham  neither  imposed  this  covenant  upon  the  other 
women,  nor  ceased  to  wear  the  gorgeous  raiment  made 
in  the  land  of  the  Pahlivoos,  but  that  on  the  contrary  they 
made  themselves  more  glorious  therein  than  ever  before. 
See  also  Book  IV.,  Chap,  xii.,  verses  21,  22. 
19* 


222  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

made  by  langkies  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm, 
then  shall  I  consider  the  matter,  even  though 
they  make  no  covenant. 

34.  For  he  was  wise  in  his  generation ;  and 
he  had  sojourned  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL,    OF   PEACE.  223 


CHAPTER  VII. 

I.  The  Armies  of  Unculpsalm.  2.  Jeph  seeketh  to  terrify 
them.  5.  A  Phiretah  Captain  attacketh  a  fort.  9.  And 
ministereth  the  New  Gospel  of  Peace  to  the  Niggahs 
that  are  therein.  18.  Pshaivdee  and  certain  Officers  of 
Unculpsalm  compromise  themselves  unto  the  Phiretahs. 
24.  Ulysses  and  George  the  Mede  march  upon  the  chief 
city  of  the  Ephephvees.  28.  The  Battle  in  the  Wilder 
ness.  31.  Ulysses  circumventeth  Robbutleeh.  34.  Pri 
mus  and  Assohkald  Edditah  publish  a  false  proclamation. 
42.  Abraham  giveth  his  enemies  another  martyr.  47. 
Abraham  speaketh  in  parables.  60.  Raphael,  the  cap 
tain  of  a  Phiretah  ship,  bloiveth  his  trumpet.  69.  But 
he  and  the  men  of  Jonbool  are  discomfited. 

NOW   these    things    happened    about   the 
spring-time  of  the  year.     And  the  days 
drew  nigh  when   the   armies   of  Unculpsalm 
should  march  against  the  armies  of  Jeph  the 
Repudiator. 

2.  And  Jeph  said,  Behold,  now,  before  they 
march  upon  me,  I  will  strike  terror  into  these 
langkies  and  into  the  Niggahs,  whom  they  are 
fighting  to  set  free,  and  whom  they  suffer  to 
fight  under  their  banner.     I  will  minister  the 
new  gospel  of  peace  unto  them  even  as  my 
friends  the  Kopur-hedds  and  the  Pahdees  min 
istered  it  unto  them  in  Gotham. 

3.  And  he  sent  one  of  his  chief  captains  with 


224  THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

an  army  of  three  thousand  men  against  a  fort 
that  stood  by  the  Father  of  the  Waters.  And 
there  were  only  six  hundred  fighting  men  in 
that  fort ;  and  three  hundred  and  fifty  of  these 
were  Ethiopians,  even  Niggahs,  which  had 
never  drawn  the  sword. 

4.  And  the  captain  of  the  Phiretahs  marched 
against  the  fort,  and  sent  a  trumpet  before  him, 
saying  to  him  whom  commanded  the  fort,  Let 
there  be  peace  between  us  while  I  shew  thee 
that  it  will  be  better  for  thee  to  give  thyself  into 
my  hands.     But  he  would  not.      And  while 
there  was  peace,  the  Phiretah  captain  marched 
his  army  into  a  better  vantage. 

5.  Then  he  fought  against  the  men  of  Un- 
culpsalm ;    but  he  prevailed  not,  for  the  fort 
was   strong.     And  again  he   sent  a  trumpet, 
saying,  Let  there  be  peace,  as  aforetime.     And 
while  there  was  peace  he  marched  his  army 
again   into  a  vantage  ground,   and  placed  it 
around  the  fort  on  all  sides. 

6.  And  again  he  fought,  and  his  men  climbed 
over  the  wall  into  the  fort,  because  there  were 
not  men  enough  within  to  line  the  wall, 

VER.  3.  In  the  margin  of  the  manuscript,  it  is  written,  in  a 
hand  like  that  of  the  original,  "  and  this  fort  was  called  after 
the  name  of  a  Phiretah  captain,  which,  when  he  was  in  Mecsi- 
cho,  builded  a  fort,  dug  the  ditch  inside  the  walls  thereof." 
But  how  does  this  guide  us  who  know  not  the  name  of  the 
captain?  Robinson,  a  frivolous  critic,  suggests  that  the 
whole  affair  was  only  another  pillow  case :  trivial  and 
quibbling  conjecture. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  225 

7.  And  when  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  saw 
that  they  were  too  few,  they  submitted  and  laid 
down  their  weapons.     And  then  they  thought 
that  there  was  peace. 

8.  But  when  the  Phiretahs  saw  that  these 
men  had  submitted  and  laid  down  their  weap 
ons,  and  that  they  themselves  were  many  and 
strong,  and  that  the  others  were  few  and  feeble, 
they  said,  Now  let  us  minister  the  new  gospel 
of  peace  unto  these  langkies  and  unto  the  Nig- 
gahs  which  do  fight  under  their  banner,  that 
we  may  show  them  that  we  are  Tshivulree,  and 
that  we  mean  that  peace  shall  spread  her  wings 
under  our  banner. 

9.  Then  they  fell  upon  the  Niggahs  as  they 
stood  in  their  ranks  without  weapons,  and  slew 
them  as  they  stood ;  for  they  were  Tshivulree. 

10.  And  they  shot  at  them  as  they  fled,  and 
as  they  lay  wounded  upon  the  ground. 

1 1 .  And  they  put  to  death  the  langkies  which 
were  with  them,  even  the  soldiers  and  the  offi 
cers  which  had  submitted  and  given  up  their 
weapons. 

12.  And  they  slew  the  women  of  the  Nig 
gahs  and  their  children. 

13.  And  they  set  on  fire  the  house  in  which 
lay  the  sick  and  the  wounded ;  and  when  one 
that  was  wounded  asked  for  water,  they  gave 
him  fire. 

14.  And  they  threw  the  bodies  into  the  water 


226  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

and  into  the  fire ;  and  they  threw  into  the  fire 
some  that  were  living,  and  some  that  were  liv 
ing  they  buried ;  and  all  this  they  did  for  be 
cause  that  they  were  Tshivulree. 

15.  And  few  men  fell  fighting  on  that  day; 
but  of  the  six  hundred  not  fifty  were  left  alive. 

1 6.  For  thus  do  the  Tshivulree  and  the  Pah- 
dees  which  serve  them  minister  the  new  gospel 
of  peace. 

17.  And  on  the  same  day  when  these  things 
were  done,  certain  of  the  captains  of  the  Tshiv 
ulree  went  down  to  a  boat  which  was  by  the 
shore  of  the  river  nigh  unto  the  fort ;  and  there 
were  certain  men  of  Unculpsalm  in  the  boat, 
and  Pshawdee  was  also  among  them. 

18.  For  Pshawdee  had  gone  down  upon  the 
Father  of  the  Waters  to  buy  merchandise  and 
get  gain. 

19.  And  when  the  captains  of  the  Tshivulree 
entered  into  the  boat,  Pshawdee  and  they  that 
were  with  him  bowed  down  themselves  unto 
them,  and  said  unto  them,  It  is  very  good  and 
gracious  of  our  lords  that  they  visit  their  ser 
vants,  although  their  servants  are  langkies  and 
men  of  Unculpsalm.     What  are  we,  and  what 
have  we  done  that  our  lords  should  visit  us,  and 
show  us  the  light  of  their  countenance?     And 
they  compromised  themselves  unto  them. 

20.  And  they  made  haste,  and  set  on  bread 
before  them,  and  poured  out  wine  unto  them, 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  227 

and  they  ate  and  drank  with  them,  while 
the  blood  of  the  Niggahs  and  of  their  own 
brethren  was  upon  their  hands.  And  when 
they  drank,  they  bowed  themselves  down  and 
compromised  themselves. 

21.  This  did  Pshawdee  and  they  that  were 
with   him ;    for  they  said   within   themselves, 
When  the  war  is  over  and  there  is  peace  again 
in  the  land,  the  Phiretahs  and  the  Tshivulree 
may  be  serviceable  unto  us,  and  we  shall  get 
gain  by  them,  and  have  places  in  the  govern 
ment. 

22.  And  Jeph  the  Repudiator  and  the  Tshiv 
ulree  looked  that  the  langkies  should  be  struck 
with  terror,  and  that  they  would  cease  to  re 
ceive  the  Niggahs  into  their  armies.     But  it 
came  to  pass  that  the  langkies  were  more  than 
ever  set  upon  subduing  the  Phiretahs.     And 
the  very  Niggahs,  which  had  been  from  gene 
ration  to  generation  under  the  yoke,  were  not 
struck  with  terror,  but  from  that  time  looked 
for  the  day  when  they  should  take  vengeance 
for  their  brethren. 

23.  Now  Robbutleeh  had  gathered  together 
a  mighty  host  in  Pharjinnee,  and  he  had  filled 
that  country  with  forts  and  with  strong  places, 
and  had  cast  up  mounds  upon  the  roads,  and 
he   lay  in  wait  for  Ulysses  and  George  the 
Mede,  and  for  the  army  of  Unculpsalm. 

24.  And  in    the    spring-time,   even  in  the 


228  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

month  when  the  men  and  the  women  of  Gotham 
were  used  to  seize  their  household  stuff  and 
flee,  each  one  of  them  out  of  the  house  in 
which  he  was  into  another ;  Ulysses  who  was 
called  Unculpsalm  and  George  the  Mede 
marched  southward.  And  they  crossed  the 
rapid  river  which  is  called  after  the  name  of 
Anna,  the  queen  of  the  land  of  Jonbool. 

25.  And  when  they  reached  the  wilderness 
of  Pharjinnee  which  lieth  south  of  that  river, 
Robbutleeh  came   out   of  his   stronghold  and 
marched  to  meet  them. 

26.  For  that  wilderness  was  a  howling  wil- 

VER.  24.  The  singular  custom  recorded  in  this  passage 
seems  to  have  been  peculiar  to  the  people  of  Gotham  even 
among  the  inhabitants  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  No 
trace  of  the  custom  has  been  discovered  in  the  history  of 
any  other  nation,  nor  has  any  reason  or  even  any  cause  for 
it  been  brought  to  light.  It  has  been  conjectured  that  it 
was  part  of  the  wisdom  of  the  three  wise  men  of  Gotham 
before  referred  to  in  these  comments.  On  the  other  hand 
some  have  supposed  that  it  originated  in  the  circumstance 
that  the  first  woman  of  Gotham  had  such  an  aversion  to 
soap,  water,  and  brooms,  that  her  house  was  never  invaded 
by  them,  and  that  this  continuing  until  the  consequences 
became  Ho  longer  tolerable  even  to  her  she  gathered  up 
her  household  stuff  and  fled  to  another  house  which  she 
had  built,  meantime,  setting  her  old  house  on  fire  as  she 
left  it,  and  that  this  happened  on  the  ist  of  May,  which 
was  observed  after  that  time  by  an  initiative  commemora 
tion  of  her  Hegira  on  the  part  of  the  women  of  Gotham, 
and  also  by  the  burning  of  old  beds  in  the  street,  and  even 
of  houses  at  that  time  of  the  year,  and,  indeed,  at  many- 
others. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     22$ 

derness,  and  full  of  snares  and  thickets,  and 
marshes  and  quagmires,  so  that  horsemen 
might  not  fight  therein,  neither  any  engine  of 
war  be  used  therein.  And  there  were  hills 
behind  which  Robbutleeh  could  march,  and 
only  he  and  his  officers  knew  the  way  through 
the  snares  and  the  thickets  and  the  quag 
mires. 

27.  Wherefore    Robbutleeh    said,    I     shall 
drive   Ulysses    and   George   the    Mede    back 
straightway,  even    as  I  drove    out  Joseph  of 
Kalaphorni,  and  put  them  to  the  sword ;  for  in 
this  place  one  man  can  do  more  to  keep  back 
than  five  to  make  way. 

28.  And  he  fell  upon  the  army  of  Uncul- 
psalm  furiously,  and  the  armies  fought  together 
all  that  day,  and  neither  prevailed.     And  the 
next  day,  or  ere  the  sun  had   risen,    Ulysses 
and  George  the  Mede  fell  upon  Robbutleeh. 
And    the    battle    lasted   all   the    second   day. 
And  thrice  did   Robbutleeh    gather  his  army 
together   in   one   place  to   break  through   the 
ranks   of  Unculpsalm ;   but  he  prevailed  not. 
And  they  fought  again  in  the  evening  of  this 
day  ;  and  when  the  battle  was  over,  the  armies 
of  Unculpsalm   had   not  gone  one   foot  back 
ward,  but  still  faced  the  Phiretahs,  and  pressed 
forward  against  them. 

29.  And  the  armies  fought  hand  to  hand, 
and  neither  the  great  engines  of  war  nor  the 

20 


23O  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

horsemen  could  come  into  the  battle.  And 
there  fell  in  those  three  days  of  the  men  of 
Unculpsalm,  fifteen  thousand,  and  of  the  Phi- 
retahs  there  fell  twelve  thousand. 

30.  And   when    Robbutleeh   saw   this,    and 
that  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  still  pressed  for 
ward,  and  that  of  his  men  which  were  fallen 
more  were  killed  than  wounded,  he  saw  that 
he  could  not  destroy  Ulysses  in  the  wilderness, 
but  that  he  might  be  destroyed  there  himself; 
and  he  marched  backward  in  the  night  time, 
and   entered   into   one    of   his    strong    places. 
And  in   the    morning   Ulysses   marched    after 
him.    And  he  attacked  Robbutleeh  in  his  strong 
place,    and   prevailed    against   him,  and   took 
captive  two  thousand  soldiers,   and  two  of  his 
great  officers,  and  many  engines  of  war,  and 
many  banners.     Yet  was  Robbutleeh  not  ut 
terly  discomfited ;  for  he  was  in  a  strong  place. 
And  he  drew  his  army  closer  together  to  make 
himself  stronger. 

31.  Then  did  Ulysses  feign  that  he  would 
attack  Robbutleeh  in  his  strong  place,  but  he 
marched  past  him  craftily  in  the  night,  and  in 
the  morning  when  Robbutleeh  looked,  lo,  there 
was  peril   that  Ulysses  would  fall   upon   him 
from  behind.     So  he  made  haste  and  marched 
backward  by  a  shorter  road.     And  as  Ulysses 
was  crossing  another  river  called  after  Anna, 
Robbutleeh  fought  against  him  on  the  banks 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  231 

of  the  river ;  but  Ulysses  crossed  the  river  in 
the  face  of  Robbutleeh  ;  and  Robbutleeh  went 
backward  before  him,  and  crossed  yet  a  third 
river  called  after  Anna,  and  encamped  in 
another  strong  place. 

32.  And  Ulysses,   waiting  craftily  until  he 
saw     that    Robbutleeh    was    well    encamped 
in  his  strong  place  on  the  south  side  of  the 
third   river,  marched   backward  in  the  night 
over  the  second  river,  and  downward  along  its 
banks   swiftly,   until  he  was  over  against  the 
chief  city  of  the  Phiretahs. 

33.  And    again     Robbutleeh     looked,    and 
behold,  he  was  in  peril  of  Ulysses  coming  in 
behind  him,  and  between  him  and  his   chief 
city,  and  cutting  him  off  from  food  for  his  men 
and     provender     for     his     horses.      And    he 
marched  backward  yet  a  third  time,  and  went 
into  the   city.     And  when  Ulysses  had    shut 
him  up  within  the  city,  the  Phiretahs  said  that 
Robbutleeh    had  put   Ulysses  just  where   he 
wished  .him  to  be. 

34.  And   in  these  days  two  scribes,  which 
were   apostles   of   the  new    gospel  of   peace, 
Primus  who  dwelt  among  the  merchants,  and 
Assohkald  Eddittah,  who   to  gain  the  World 
had   lost    his    own    soul,    published   a  procla 
mation,    signed   with  the    name  of   Abraham 
and  of  his  chief  counsellor,  saying, 

35.  That  the  warfare  of  Ulysses  had  come 


232  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

to  naught,  and  that  the  people  should  fast  in 
sack-cloth  and  ashes,  and  that  there  was  need 
for  four  hundred  thousand  more  men  for  the 
armies  of  Unculpsalm. 

36.  Now  the  proclamation  was  a  false  proc 
lamation,   and    nevertheless  were    the   people 
much  cast  down  by  it,  for  they  knew  not  that 
it   was   false ;    and    the   money-changers    got 
great  gains  thereby. 

37.  And  Abraham  saw  that  the  matter  was 
weighty ;  and  he  said  unto  Jonaydics,  Go  now 
and  seize  these  men  and    their   houses,    and 
their  writings,  that  it  may  be  known  who  hath 
done   this  wickedness.     And    afterwards,    be 
cause  he  was  compassionate,  and  because  the 
men  were  of  small  account,  he  said,  Let  the 
scribes   go   free,    but   keep   their   houses   and 
their  writings,  that   no  evidence   may  be  de 
stroyed. 

38.  But  it  was  found  that  the  proclamation 
was  written  by  another  scribe  to  deceive  all 
the  scribes  in  Gotham,  but  that  all   of  them 
were   careful    not   to   publish   it,    except   only 
Primus  and  Assohkald  Eddittah.     And  when 
this  was  shown   unto  Abraham,   he  said,  Ye 
are  guilty  in  that  ye  were  not  more  careful ; 
but   take  your    houses     and  your  books    and 
your  writings  again.     I  know  that  hereafter  as 
heretofore  ye  will  revile  me  daily  ;  but  what  is 
that  to  me?     Go  in  peace.     But  for  that  which 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  233 

ye  have  already  suffered,  it  is  no  more  than  ye 
ought  to  suffer  because  that  by  your  careless 
ness  ye  did  so  mislead  and  afflict  the  people. 

39.  Then  the  other  scribes,  that  they  might 
magnify  their  office,  and  that  their  craft  might 
not  be  in  danger  and  set  at  naught,  wrote  in 
their  books  against  Abraham,  saying  that  he 
ought  not   to    have  seized  upon   Primus    and 
Assohkald  Eddittah,    and    their   houses,    and 
their  writings. 

40.  But,   except  the   Kopur-hedds  and  the 
followers  of  John  See  of   Mah-Rippozah,  all 
the  people  said,  Amen. 

41.  And  straightway  Primus  and  Assohkald 
Eddittah  began  again  to  revile  Abraham,  saying 
daily   that  he  was  a  traitor  and  a  tyrant   and 
one  that  sought  to  grind  the  people  to  powder, 
and  defy  the  Great  Covenant,  and  destroy  the 
nation ;  but   chiefly  they  did  declare  that   he 
was  an  oppressor,  because  that  he  would  suffer 
no  man  to  speak  or  to  write  evil  of  him. 

42.  And  again  Abraham  ministered  occasion 
unto   his    enemies.     For   there    came    a   man 
from  Kewbah  who  had  sold  an  hundred  and 
fifty  Niggahs  that  were  free  into  bondage,  for 
his  own  profit,  although  he  was  an  officer  ap 
pointed  by  the  queen  of  that  country,  to  pre 
vent  the  bringing  of  Niggahs  to  be  sold  there. 
And  after  he  had  received  the  money,  he  fled 
to  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

20* 


234  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

43.  And  the   Qjjeen   of    Kewbah   sent   an 
ambassador   unto  Abraham,  saying,  Give  me 
this  man  that  he  may  be  judged  according  to 
the  law  of  his  own  country.     And  Abraham 
sent  officers  and  took  the  man,  and  gave  him 
to  the  queen. 

44.  And   thereupon  the    Kopur-hedds,   and 
the  disappointed  men,  and  Pshawdee,  and  all 
of  his  sort,  yea,  verily,  and  even  the  men  also 
which  cared  only  for  the  everlasting  Niggah, 
said,  Behold,  Abraham  hath  given  us  another 
martyr.     Four  had  we  before,  and  now  a  fifth 
is  vouchsafed  unto  us.     For  to   Clement   the 
lawgiver,   Abraham   hath   added   Primus   and 
Assohkald  Eddittah,  the   scribes,  John  See  of 
Mah-Rippozah,  and  this  Niggah-stealer  from 
Kewbah. 

45.  And  they  sought  to  stir  up  the  people, 
saying,    Hath   not  this   land  hitherto   been  a 
refuge  for  the  oppressed  and   an  asylum  for 
them  which  were  persecuted  by  the  kings  of 
the  earth?     And  now  this  man   of  Kewbah 
hath  only  stolen  one  hundred  and  fifty  Niggahs 
and  sold  them  into  slavery,  and  the  queen  of 
that  land  seeketh  to  oppress  and  to  persecute 
him  by  bringing  him  before  judges  to  be  tried 
by  the  law ;  and  Abraham   giveth  him  a  pris 
oner  into  her  hands.     Alas !    who  shall  com 
fort  us  ?  for  now  have  we  seen  the  day  of  our 
humiliation. 


THE    NEW   GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  235 

46.  But  the  people  said,  How  are  we  humil 
iated?     And  as  for  this  man,   is  it  not  rather 
he  which  is  an  oppressor?  Yea,  verily,  and  by 
the  laws  of  all  lands  is  he  an  outcast  and  worse 
than  a  murderer.     And  shall  our  banner  be  a 
refuge  and   our  land  an   asylum  for  such   as 
these  ? 

47.  And  it  was  told  unto  Abraham  that  the 
Kopur-hedds  and  the  outlandish  men,  and  the 
men  that  thought  only  of  the   everlasting  Nig- 
gah,  had  joined  themselves  together  to  judge 
him  in  this  matter.     And  Abraham  said,  Be 
hold  now   this   remindeth  me    of    a   parable. 
(For  he   often   spake   in   parables ;    and    the 
people  said,    He   learneth   these  parables   of 
Eumun  Aytsher  and  Kawmunz  Entz,  his  famil 
iar   spirits ;)    but   others   called   them  Eumah 
and  Muthah-ouit. 

48.  A  certain  man  had  a  large  household 
which  was  at  strife  within  itself.     And  some 
of  the  members  said,  We  will  no  longer  be  of 
this  household;    but  we  will  depart,  and  we 
will  destroy  the  house  and  the  barns  and  the 
buildings,  and  will  divide  the  household  stuff 
and  carry  off  our  part   thereof,   so  that   there 
shall  no  longer  be  the  same  household. 

49.  Now,  these  were  all  of  one  mind.     But 
the  remainder  were  at  strife  among  themselves  ; 
and  it  was  chiefly  about  the  manner  of  serving 
and  the  payment  and  receipt  of  money,  and 


236  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

the  treatment  of  strangers  ;  and  some  said  one 
thing  and  some  another. 

50.  Then  the  master  of  that  household  said, 
What  shall  I  do  ?     I  will  withstand  them  that 
would  destroy  the  household,  but  I  must  also 
reconcile  the  remainder  one  with  another,  else 
I  cannot  do  the  former  thing,  and  we  shall  all 
perish. 

51.  And  he  did  so ;  and  he  withstood  the  de 
stroyers,  and  day  by  day  he  reconciled  some  of 
the  remainder  one  with  another ;  and  they  that 
were  reconciled  held  up  his  hands.     But  the 
others  said,  Not  so ;  for  we  will  not  have  this 
household  reconciled,  except  the  serving  and 
the  money  and  the  treatment  of  strangers  be  as 
it  seems  good  unto  us ;  and  these  hated  each 
other  day  by  day  more  and  more,  and  feared 
more  and  more  that  they  should  be  reconciled. 
And  they  each  sought  to  cast  out  the  master  of 
the  household ;  but  they  could  not. 

52.  But  it  came  to  pass  that  on  a  certain 
day  they  said   one  to  another,  Come,  let  us 
forget  our  enmity  for  a  certain  time  that  we 
may  join  together  to  cast  out  the  master  of  the 
Household,  that  when  he  is  cast  out,  we  may 
contend  without  let  or  hindrance,  and  that  this 
household  may  be  no  more  afflicted  with  recon 
ciliation. 

53.  Which   now,   therefore,   think  ye  most 
loved  that  household,  the  master  thereof  and 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  237 

they  that  were  reconciled,  or  they  that  would 
not  be  reconciled,  and  that  sought  to  cast  out 
him  that  would  reconcile  them  ?  And  which 
think  ye  would  prevail  against  the  other,  they 
that  were  all  of  one  mind,  or  the  remainder  that 
were  at  strife  among  themselves? 

54.  And  Ulysses,  after  he  had  threatened  to 
take  the  chief  city  of  the  Ephephvees  from  the 
north  side  thereof,   marched  suddenly  to  the 
river   called   Djeemz,    and   attacked  the   city 
upon  the  south  side. 

55.  Then  said  all  the  men  who  would  have 
had  Litulmak  the  Unready  made  chief  ruler, 
Lo,  Ulysses  doeth  that  which  Litulmak  hath 
done   before   him.      (For   Litulmak   had   also 
marched  to  the  Djeemz,  with  Robbutleeh  hard 
after  him.)     And  they  glorified  the  wisdom  of 
Litulmak. 

56.  And  it  was  told  unto  Abraham  that  the 
Knsuvvutivs  and  the  Kopur-hedds  said  thus. 
And  Abraham  answered  and  said,  They  speak 
truly ;  for  both  Litulmak  and  Ulysses  did  go 
from  the  north  side  of  the  city  of  the  Epheph 
vees  unto  the  river  Djeemz.     And  this  remind- 
eth  me  of  another  little  parable. 

VER.  53.  Abraham's  parable  is  not  without  applicability 
to  recent  events  in  our  own  country.  We  may  see  among 
ourselves  a  certain  faction  which  will  not  be  reconciled  with 
the  others  unless  they  may  rule  the  household  entirely  ac 
cording  to  their  own  notions.  To  them  the  questions  of 
this  verse  may  well  be  put. 


238  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

57.  Two  men  entered  into  an  house;   but 
they  entered   it  not   together.      And  both  of 
these  men  went  out  of  that  house;  but  they 
also  went  not  out  together. 

58.  And  the  first  was  thrust  out  by  the  neck 
and  shoulders,   and  was  beaten  until  he  was 
half  dead.     But  the  last  went  out  because  he 
would  go,   and  they  that  were  in  the  house 
were  not  able  either  to  stay  him  or  to  follow 
him. 

59.  Judge  ye  now,  therefore,  which  of  these 
men  was  like  unto  Litulmak,   and  which  was 
like  unto  Ulysses. 

60.  Now  certain  of  the  men  of  Jonbool,  ship- 
men,   had    builded    great  ships  for  Jeph   the 
Repudiator,  ships  of  war.     And  they  had  put 
on  them  great  engines  of  war  made  in  the  land 
of  Jonbool ;  and  the  sailors   and  the  fighting 
men  therein  were  men  of  Jonbool. 

61.  And   to  be    captain  of  the  chiefest  of 
these  ships  Jeph  sent  one  named  Raphael  (not 
the  angel.) 

62.  Yet  like  the  angel  Gabriel  did  he  blow  a 
trumpet;   but  it  was   his   own   trumpet.     For 
after   the  manner   of  the  Tshivulree   and  the 
Phiretahs,  he  was  a  boaster. 

63.  And  sailing  over  the  seas  to  the  four 
corners  of  the  earth,  this  Raphael  did  nothing 
but  seize  and  burn  the  ships  belonging  to  the 
merchants   of  the   land   of  Unculpsalm,    and 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  239 

blow  his  own  trumpet  in  the  land  of  Jonbool 
and  in  the  land  of  the  Pahlivoos. 

64.  But  he  fled  from  the  ships  which  Abra 
ham  sent  out  over  the  seas  to  search  for  him  ; 
and  as  he  fled,  he  burned  and  destroyed  them 
which  could  not  fight  with  him,  and  blew  his 
trumpet,  and  the  echoes  thereof  were  heard  in 
the  land  of  Jonbool  and  of  the  Pahlivoos. 

65.  And   at   the   last   one   of  the    ships  of 
Unculpsalm  which  had  searched    for 'him    a 
long  time  and  found  him  not,  overtook  him  in 
a  haven  in   the   land   of  the   Pahlivoos   over 
against  the  land   of   Jonbool,   as    thou   goest 
down  to  the  great  sea.     And  the  captain  of  the 
ship  lay  in  wait  for  Raphael  to  do  battle  with 
him. 

66.  And    Raphael    saw  that   he    could   no 
longer  flee.     Then  he  blew  his  trumpet,   and 
said,  Go  to,  I  will  no  longer  suffer  this  langkie 
to  hang  out  his  banner  before  my  face  and  to 
defy  me.     And  he  wrote  a  letter  to  the  langkie 
captain  saying, 

67.  Tarry  but  two  days ;  flee  not  away ;  and 
I  will  come   out  to  fight  with  thee,  and  I  will 
give  thy  flesh  to  the  fish  of  the  sea.     Who  art 
thou  that  thou  shouldst  stand  before  me  ?     For 
such   was  the   manner  of  speech  among   the 
Phiretahs. 

68.  And  the  captain  of  the  ship  of  Uncul 
psalm  answered  him  nothing  ;  but  awaited  his 


240  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

coming    silently,    after    the    manner    of   the 
langkies. 

69.  So  he  went  out;  and  the  ships  fought 
together.     And  the  ship  of  Unculpsalm  quickly 
had  the  mastery  over  the  other  and  destroyed 
it,  that  it  sank  into  the  deep,   and  the  waters 
closed  over  it  forever. 

70.  And  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  and  chiefly 
the  merchants  and  the    shipmen,   when  they 
heard  of  these  things,  rejoiced  and  took  cour 
age.     But  when  the  men  of  Jonbool  saw  the 
ship  which  they  had  builded,  and  the  engines 
of  war  which  they  had  made,  and  the  sailors 
which   were   of  their   land    thus    brought    to 
naught,   they   were    filled  with  wonder,   and 
their  hearts   were  troubled;  for   they  thought 
that  the  day  of  reckoning  drew  nigh. 

7 1 .  And  all  of  the  wonderful  acts  that  were 
done  in   the  land  of  Unculpsalm  after  these 
things,  of  the  battles  of  Ulysses,  and  the  gov 
ernment  of  Abraham,  of  the  end  of  Pshawdee 
and  of  John  See  of  Mah-Rippozah,  until  peace 
was  restored  unto  that  land,  are  they  not  writ 
ten  in  the  book  of  the  vision  of  Benjamin,  the 
brother  of  Phernandiwud  ? 

VER.  71.  The  promise  or  declaration  made  in  this  verse 
was  not  kept  or  else  the  manuscript  has  been  mutilated. 
The  former  is  probably  the  case,  as  Pshawdee  and  John 
See  of  Mah-Rippozah  seem  to  have  fallen  into  obscurity. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


BOOK  FOURTH. 


[Published  May  iQth,  1866.] 
16  (241) 


BOOK    FOURTH. 


CHAPTER   I. 

I.  Choosing  a  Chief  Ruler.  4.  The  Shear-man  marcheth  into 
Jahrji.  10.  And  he  goeth  up  against  Hadal-antah.  14. 
The  Phiretahs  in  the  land  of  the  Kahnux.  15.  Send 
Kullah  Rado  to  Horatius  the  Scribe.  19.  Who  goeth 
into  the  land  of  the  Kahnux.  20.  Abraham  seeth  through 
their  devices.  25.  And  Horatius  returneth  home  again. 

NOW   after  these    things   the  time   came 
when  the  people  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm 
should  choose  again  a  man  to  rule  over  them. 

2.  For  it  was  the  chief  delight  of  the  people 
of  that  land  to  busy  themselves  about  the  choos 
ing  of  their  chief  ruler  ;  so  that  they  occupied 
themselves  with  it  by  day,  and  talked  one  with 
another  about  it  when  they  sat  at  meat  and 
when  they  lay  down  and  when  they  rose  up, 
and  gave  their  thoughts  to  it  in  the  watches 
of  the  night. 

3.  And  when  a  chief  ruler  was  chosen,  so  it 
was  that  the  people  began  straightway  to  strive 
one  with  the  other  as  to  who   should  be   chief 
ruler  after  him ;  and  he  who  had  been  made 

243 


244  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

chief  ruler  sought  first  of  all  things  to  cause 
himself  to  be  chosen  again. 

4.  So  that  when  any  man  came  before  him, 
or  wrote  a  letter  to  him,  asking  that  he  would 
make  him  his  officer,  or  cause  justice  to  be 
done  to  him,  or  grant  favor  unto  him,  he  said 
not,  Hail !  my  lord,  that  is  chief  ruler  over  'the 
land  of  Unculpsalm,  but,  Hail !  my  lord  chief 
ruler  that  is  to  be  hereafter. 

5.  And  about  those  days  the  army  of  the 
Bhum   Urs    marched   into  the  South.      Now 
these  were  not  of  Ur  of  the  Chaldees,  but  of 
Bhum  Ur  of  the  Raoudees. 

6.  And  the  chief  captain  of  the  Bhum  Urs 
was  a  mighty  soldier  before  the  Lord ;  and  he 
was  called  the  Shear-Man  because  that  he  cut  his 
way  into  the  country  of  the  Phiretahs  which  is 
called  the  land  of  Dicksee,  and  shore  it  in  twain. 

7  •  This  did  he  entering  it  not  from  the  North 
over  the  border  of  Masunandicsun,  but  south  of 
the  land  of  Ohlcaintuk,  where  the  people  are 
mighty  and  fearful  to  behold,  for  their  upper 
parts  be  like  unto  a  horse  and  their  lower  parts 
be  like  unto  an  alligator,  and  the  sound  of 
their  neighing  goeth  over  the  land. 

8.  And  the  Bhum  Urs  left  the  land  of  Ohl 
caintuk  on  the  North,  and  went  by  the  way  of 
Chatter-niggah  (for  it  is  the  country  of  the 
everlasting  Niggah)  even  as  thou  goest  down 
to  Hadal-antah  which  is  in  the  land  of  Jahrji. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  245 

9.  And  it  was  at  Chatter-niggah  that  Ulys 
ses  had  overcome  the  army  of  the  Phiretahs 
that  Jeph  the  Repudiator  had  sent  to  drive  the 
langkies  beyond  the    borders  of  Ohlcaintuk, 
and  that  Joseph  of  Kalaphorni   fought   them 
upon  the  mountain  top  above  the  clouds   and 
drove  them  out  of  their  stronghold. 

10.  And  when    Ulysses  was    made    chief 
captain  over  all  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm,  he 
sent  for  the  Shear-Man  and  his  Bhum  Urs  to 
come  to  Chatter-niggah. 

11.  And  afterward  in  the  spring  time  of  the 
year    the  army  of  the  Bhum    Urs    marched 
Southward  into   Jahrji,  and  went    up  against 
Hadal-antah  to  take  it. 

12.  But    the   way    from  Chatter-niggah  to 
Hadal-antah  was    long,   and    it    lay   through 
mountains    and    narrow    valleys    and    strong 
places,   and  in    these    the    Phiretahs  fortified 
themselves.     But  the  Shear-Man  cut  his  way 
through  them,   after  his    manner,    and   stood 
before  Hadal-antah. 

13.  Now  when  men  saw  that  the  way  from 
Chatter-niggah  was  long,  and  that  the  army  of 
the  Bhum  Urs  was  fain  to  march  slowly  and  fight 
warily,  and  when  they  saw  that  Ulysses  him 
self  and  George   the    Mede   still  lay  on  the 
south  of  the  chief  city  of  the  Phiretahs  without 
taking  it; 


246  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

14.  The  hearts  of  the  feeble-minded  began 
to  fail  them,  and  many  of  them  joined  them 
selves  unto  the  sect  of  the  Oueecneas. 

15.  Now  there  were  certain  Phiretahs  which 
had  fled  into  the  land  of  the  Kahnux  which 
bordered  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  on  the  north, 
and  which  was  a  province  of  the  empire  of 
Jonbool ;   and  they  dwelt  there,  working  mis 
chief  against  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  in 
this  they  were  mightily  holpen  and  encouraged 
by  the  Kahnux. 

16.  And  these  men  called  unto  them  one 
named  Kullah-Rahdo,  one  of  the  simple  ones, 
which  did  their  bidding,  and  said  unto  him, 

17.  Get  thee  unto  Horatius  the  scribe,  who 
dwelleth  in  Gotham,  and  who  is  the  chief  of 
the  sect  of  the  Oueecneas,  and  say  unto  him 
that  the  Phiretahs   are  willing  now  to  make 
peace  with  the  men  of  Unculpsalm,  and  that  it 
pleaseth  us  to  receive  an  offer  of  truce  from 
Abraham  and  his  council  that  we  may  lay  it  at 
the  feet  of  our  master  Jeph  the  Repudiator. 

VER.  14.  The  manuscript  here  is  much  mutilated;  but 
from  what  remains  it  appears  that  Horatius  the  scribe  had 
proposed  that  if  the  rebellion  of  the  Phiretahs  was  not  put 
down  by  a  certain  time  their  demands  should  be  acceded 
to,  and  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  divided.  But  the  Phiretahs 
were  not  put  down  by  that  time ;  and  yet  the  people  in 
sisted  that  the  war  should  go  on,  and  they  laughed  Hora 
tius  to  scorn,  and  distrusted  him  (whom  before  they  had 
honored)  ever  after. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  247 

1 8.  Now  Kullah-Rahdo  had   published  his 
folly  to  all  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  so  that  his 
name  was  a  by-word  for  foolishness  to  all  the 
men  of  that  land.    Likewise  were  the  Phiretahs 
in  the  land  of  the  Kahnux  known  to  be  crafty 
men  and  stiff-necked.     Yet  did  Horatius  the 
scribe  hearken  unto  the  message,  and  sent  let 
ters  about  it  unto  Abraham,  saying, 

19.  That  now  he  might   make   peace    and 
confirm  it  with  writings,  and  pay  the  Phiretahs 
for   their   Niggahs,  and   glorify  himself,   and 
Horatius    the    scribe   and   Kullah-Rahdo   for 
ever. 

20.  And  he  himself  hastened  to  meet  the 
Phiretah    men   at    the    place   of  the   Falling 
Waters.     This  did  he  because  he  was  chief  of 
the  sect  of  the  Oueecneas. 

21.  But  Abraham  said  within  himself,  Be 
hold,  now,  do  I  not  see  through  this  matter  as 
plainly  as  any  man,  unless  he  be  Horatius  the 
scribe,  or  Kullah-Rahdo  his  yoke-fellow,  may 
see  through  a  millstone  in  which  there  hath 
been  a  hole  made  to  turn  it  withal? 

22.  And  he  sent  a  message  to  Horatius,  but 
it  was  not  written  to  him  nor  to  the  Phiretahs, 
but  unto  all  nations  and  unto  all  peoples,  say 
ing : 

23.  If  there  be  any  man  that  hath  power  and 
authority  to  make  a  covenant,  even  a  covenant 
that  shall  be  kept,  that  the  Phiretahs  shall  lay 


248  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

down  their  arms  and  go  each  man  to  his 
own  home  and  obey  the  laws  of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  that  the  Niggahs  shall  be  set 
free  forever;  let  him  come  unto  me,  and  no 
man  shall  do  him  harm  coming  or  going. 

24.  Then  did  the  hearts  of  the  Phiretahs  at 
the  place  of  the  Falling  Waters  sink  within 
them.     For  they  saw  that  Abraham  was  wiser 
than  Horatius  in  his  generation,  and  that  their 
craft  had  failed  them,  and  that  Abraham  and 
the  men  of  Unculpsalm  would  fight  the  battle 
even  unto  the  end. 

25.  But  they  put  a  bold  face  upon  the  mat 
ter,  after  their  fashion,  and  they  said  unto  Ho 
ratius,  What  is  this  to  which  thou  hast  bidden 
us?     We  looked  for  an  offer  of  peace,  and  be 
hold  thou  hast  brought  upon  us  a  buffet.     Get 
thee  gone,  for  we  will  none  of  thee. 

26.  Then  Horatius  gat  him  home  quickly. 
And  the  people  remembered  how  that  in  the 
beginning  he  had  said,  Let  the  Phiretahs  go, 
with  their  provinces,  and  keep  their  everlasting 
Niggah.     And  the  people  laid  all  these  things 
up  in  their  hearts. 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  249 


CHAPTER  II. 

I.  The  Phiretahs  march  into  the  province  of  Tschaddbelhee. 
2.  The  Kopur-hedds  assemble  at  the  city  of  the  Zukkahs. 
5.  The  Shear-Man  taketh  Hadal-antah.  6.  And  the 
Kopur-hedds  are  cast  down.  9.  Philscurrydoivn  dis- 
comfiteth  Jeiv  Bahlurlee  in  the  valley  of  the  Shinning 
Door.  13.  And  in  Ke-wbah.  17.  Certain  Phiretahs 

join  themselves  together.  21.  And  rob  a  village  in  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm.  26.  Jonaydics  ordereth  them  to  be 

pursued  into  the  land  of  the  Kahnux. 

AND  after  these  things  the  army  of  the 
Phiretahs  marched  again  into  the  prov 
ince  of  Tschaddbelhee,  and  carried  off  spoil,  and 
burned  a  town  therein.  And  when  men  saw 
this  and  saw  that  the  Shear-man  had  not  yet 
cut  his  way  into  Hadal-antah,  and  that  Ulysses 
still  lay  with  the  army  of  George  the  Mede 
south  of  the  chief  city  of  the  Phiretahs, 

2.  Then  the  Kopur-hedds  and  the  sect  of 
Smalphri  among  the  Dimmichrats  and  certain 
of  the   Oueecneas,    gathered    themselves    to 
gether  at  the  chief  city  of  the  Zukkahs  which 
was  called  Sheik  Ahgo,  to  declare  whom  they 
would  set  up  before  the  people  to  be  chosen 
chief  ruler. 

3.  And  the  chief  of  the  Kopur-hedds  was 


250  THE    NEW   GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

Horatio,  who  was  surnamed  the  Seemer,  and 
the  chief  of  the  sect  of  Smalphri  was  Augustus 
the  money-changer ;  and  Augustus  they  made 
ruler  of  the  assembly  for  a  little  while,  because 
he  was  chief  of  the  sect  of  Smalphri,  and  be 
cause  he  was  rich ;  but  the  chief  man  of  the 
assembly  and  the  ruler  thereof  was  Horatio  the 
Seemer. 

4.  And  they  declared  that  Litulmak  was  the 
man  whom  the  Kopur-hedds  delighted  to  honor, 
and  whom  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the 
Dimmichrats  would  choose  for  chief  ruler  of 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

5.  Now  it  came  to  pass  that  while  the  assem 
bly,  in  which  Horatio  the  Seemer  and  Augustus 
the  money-changer  were  chief  men,  did  these 
things,  that  the  chief  captain  of  the  Bhum  Urs 
enticed  the  captain  of  the  Phiretahs  with  his 
army  out  of  Hadal-antah,  and  he  fell  upon  him 
and  cut  his  army  in  twain,  and  smote  them  hip 
and  thigh,  and  pursued  them  until  they  were 
weary,  and  then  marched  back  and  took  Hadal- 
antah.     And  this  was  noised  abroad  over  the 
land  as  the  men  of  that  assembly  departed  to 
their  homes. 

6.  Then  did  the  countenances  of  the  Kopur- 
hedds  fall  and  their  countenances  fail  them  as 
aforetime,  when  George  the  Mede  obtained  the 
victory  over  Robbutleeh,   and  when  Ulysses 
took  the  city  of  Wickedsburg. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  251 

7.  And  they  said  one  to  another,  Why  hath 
this  calamity  fallen  upon  us,  and  what  is  our 
iniquity  that  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  should 
be  victorious? 

8.  But   the   Dimmichrats   which   loved  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  better  than  they  loved  the 
triumph  of  their  own  faction,  rejoiced  greatly, 
and  likewise  did  all  the  other  men  of  that  land, 
save  them  that  had  joined  themselves  unto  the 
Kopur-hedds  or  unto  the  Oueecneas. 

9.  Moreover,  about  those  days,  Philscurry- 
down,  a  great  captain  in  the  army  of  Uncul 
psalm,  who  was  mighty  in  battle,  riding  upon  a 
horse,  and  who  was  captain  of  horse  in  the 
army  of  George  the  Mede, 

10.  Having  been  sent  by  Ulysses,  the  chief 
captain,  fell  upon  Jew  Bahlurlee  in  the  valley 
of  the  Shinning  Door,  which  is  the  chief  en 
trance  from  the    land    of  the    Phiretahs  into 
the  land  of  the  langkies.      And  because  the 
langkies  and  the  Phiretahs  had  chased  each 

VER.  7.  This  sect  of  the  Dimmichrats  seem  always  to 
have  recognized  the  chastening  hand  of  affliction  in  the 
success  of  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm.  Their  example  is 
edifying,  but,  considering  their  end,  it  must  be  confessed, 
not  encouraging.  The  candor  of  the  author  (who  was 
manifestly  of  this  sect)  appears  in  the  manner  in  which  he 
speaks,  in  the  next  verse  and  elsewhere,  of  the  other  sect 
of  the  Dimmichrats,  with  which  he  was  at  variance.  But 
it  appears  from  a  previous  passage  at  the  end  of  the  first 
Book,  that  he  was  impelled  to  his  task  by  an  invisible  and 
resistless  power. 


252  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

other  back  and  forth  through  this  valley,  and 
because  in  the  tongue  of  the  men  of  Ouahlztrete, 
men  who  run  back  and  forth  are  said  to  shin, 
this  valley  is  called  the  valley  of  the  Shinning 
Door  unto  this  day. 

11.  And    Philscurrydown     fought     against 
Jew  Bahlurlee  three  times,   and  each  time  he 
smote  him  and  had  the  victory  over  him,  and 
pursued    him    with    slaughter,    and  took    his 
engines  of  war,  and  more  than  half  of  them 
that  were  left  alive  he  took  captive. 

12.  And  no  more  was  heard  of  Jew  Bahlur 
lee,  until  he  fled  and  took  ship  and  went  and 
dwelt  in  Kewbah.     And  then  he  began  railing 
and  boasting  after  the  manner  of  the  Phiretahs, 
saying   that  he  would  have   had   the   victory 
over  Philscurrydown,  save  that  he  had  only  a 
few  men,  and  that  Philscurrydown  had  many. 

13.  But  when  Philscurrydown  heard  this,  he 
said,  Behold  this  book,  wherein  are  written  the 
names  of  the  men  which  I  took  captive  from 
Jew  Bahlurlee,  and  the  numbers  of  his  slain 
that  I  buried ;  and  the  numbers  of  the  captives 
and  of  the  slain  are  more  than  all  that  Jew 
Bahlurlee  saith  were  in  his  army.     Moreover, 
the  number  of  great  engines  of  war  that  I  took 
from  him  is  greater  than  belongeth  to  his  army, 
according  to  his  showing,  and  more  than  could 
be  carried  by  them,  as  every  man  who  is  cap 
tain  of  a  company  well  knoweth. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  253 

14.  And  then  Jew    Bahlurlee  was    put   to 
shame  before  all  men.      For    it  was  said    a 
strong  man  may  be  discomfited,   but  only  he 
that  is  mean  in   spirit  seeketh  to  cover  his  ca 
lamity  with  lies. 

15.  And    Philscurrydown    laid    that  valley 
waste  with  fire  and  sword,  so  that  no  army  of 
the  Phiretahs  might  live  therein ;  and  it  is  also 
called  the  Valley  of  Destruction  unto  this  day. 

1 6.  Now    Philscurrydown    was    small     of 
stature,  and  he  was  of  the  race  of  the  Pahdees. 

17.  And  while  he  was  driving  Jew  Bahlurlee 
and  his  army  out  of  the  valley  of  the  Shinning 
Door,  and  laying  waste  that  valley,  certain  of 
the   Phiretahs   who  had   gone   into   the   land 
of  the  Kahnux,  that    they  might  work    evil 
against  the  langkies,  and  who  were   made  of 
in  that  land, 

18.  Banded   themselves  together,  and  took 
arms  in  their  hands,  and  went  over  into  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm  into  a  village  of  the  langkies. 

19.  And  they  hid    their  arms  under  their 
garments,  and  the  langkies  knew  not  that  they 
were    Phiretahs ;    for   the   langkies    and    the 
Phiretahs  being  of  one  blood  and  one  speech, 
when  the  Phiretahs  carried  themselves  peace 
ably  and  went  not  about  blaspheming  and  slay 
ing,  men  knew  not  that  they  were  Phiretahs. 

20.  Now  in  this  village  there  was  no  army, 
nor  any  fighting  men,  neither  did  the  armies  of 


254  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

Unculpsalm  dwell  in  the  country  round  about 
or  pass  through  it,  as  the  armies  of  the  Phire- 
tahs  did  in  the  valley  of  the  Shinning  Door. 

21.  And    after    they  had    sojourned    many 
days  in  the  village  and  dwelt  with  the  inhabi 
tants  thereof  so  that  they  might  spy  out  the 
land,  they  dispersed  themselves    through  the 
village,  and  at  a  certain  hour  with  one  consent 
they  entered  the  houses  and  the  stables  and 
the  shops  of  the  artificers,   and  began  to  lay 
hands  upon  the   gold  and  the  silver  and  the 
horses  and  the  cattle. 

22.  And  because  of  the  war  there  were  few 
in  the  village  save  old  men  and  women  and 
children ;  for  most  of  the  young  men  were  in 
the  armies  of  Unculpsalm. 

23.  And  before  the  few  that  were  in  the  vil 
lage  could    gather    themselves    together,  the 
Phiretahs  got  upon  the  horses  they  had  taken 
and  began  to  ride  out  of  the  village.      And 
those  that  attempted  to  hinder  them  they  fell 
upon  and  wounded  sorely,   and  went  on  their 
way  rejoicing. 

24.  But  the  young  men  that  were  left  in  the 
village  assembled  quickly,  and  got  other  horses 
and  pursued  the   Phiretahs.     Yet  could  they 
not  come  up  with  them  before  they  had  passed 
the  border  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  into  the 
land  of  the  Kahnux.     So  they  escaped. 

25.  For  the  land  of  the  Kahnux  was  part  of 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  255 

the  dominions  of  the  Queen  of  Jonbool ;  and 
an  evil-doer  in  the  one  country  could  not  be 
taken  in  the  other  save  by  a  demand  made  by 
one  chief  ruler  upon  the  other. 

26.  But  Jonaydics,.  who  was  captain  in  that 
region,  said  this  is  not  the  evil-doing  of  one 
man  against  another  man ;  this  is  the  doing  of 
the  Phiretahs  who  have  invaded  our  land  from 
the  land  of  the  Kahnux,  coming  because  they 
were  our  enemies,  but  carrying  themselves  not 
like  soldiers  but  like  robbers. 

27.  Therefore  he    commanded  his    officers 
saying,    Pursue  and  overtake  and  spare  not ; 
and  stay  not  your  pursuing  when  ye  come  to 
the  borders  of  the  land  of  the  Kahnux,  but 
pass  over,  and  if  ye  find  the  men,  fall  upon  them 
and  hew  them  in  pieces  before  the  Lord.    And 
all  the  people  said,  Amen. 


256  THE    NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  III. 

I.  Zoord.  5.  Becometh  chief  counsellor.  6.  Is  hated  by  the 
men  of  Jonbool  and  the  Pahlivoos,  because  he  prophesi- 
eth  against  them.  n.  He  causeth  the  command  of 
Jonaydics  to  be  disobeyed.  15.  The  Kahnux  let  the 
Pkiretahs  escape.  16.  Zoord's  decree. 

NOW  the  chief  of  Abraham's    counsellors 
was  Bilhe,  whose  surname  was  Zoord. 
2.  And  Zoord  was  wise,  and  he  had  served  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  as  a  lawgiver  and  a  coun 
sellor  from  the  time  when  he  was  thirty  years 
old  until  now  the  hair  of  his  head  was  gray. 
And   he  was    held   in   honor   throughout   the 
land  of  Unculpsalm,  except  among  the  Kopur- 
hedds  and  the  Phiretahs. 

VER.  i.  Bilhe.  This  name  is  noticeable  from  its  similar 
ity  to  some  others.  We  have  Bilhah  the  concubine  of 
Jacob;  and  Dr.  Trite  points  out  that  BilAe  must  be  the 
masculine  form  of  Bilhah,  for  he  regards  the  h  in  the 
latter  as  superfluous.  There  is  also  Bildad  the  Shuite, 
one  of  Job's  comforters,  whom  Dr.  Trite  thinks  was 
probably  the  father  of  Bilhe.  Some  persons  have  been 
led  so  far  in  their  search  after  persons  of  our  own  time 
and  country  to  whom  to  apply  the  relations  of  this  book, 
as  to  suppose  that  Bilhe  may  mean  one  of  Mr.  Lincoln's 
cabinet.  But  what  writer  would  venture  to  take  such  a  lib 
erty  with  a  cabinet  minister? 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  257 

3.  And  even  the  Phiretahs,  although  they 
hated  his  counsels,  found  no  occasion  against 
him,  and  had  respect  unto  him ;  for  he  was  a 
courteous  man  and  a  subtle. 

4.  And  men  said  that  he  should  have  been 
chief  ruler  instead  of  Abraham,  if  it  had  not 
been  for  Horatius  the  scribe.     And  they  looked 
that    he    should   oppose    himself   unto  Abra 
ham  ;  but  he  was  without  envy,  and  served  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  in  pureness  of  heart. 

5.  And  when  Abraham  said  unto  him,  Be 
hold,  now,  thou  hast  wisdom  to  govern  and  art 
cunning  to  make  laws  and  covenants,  and  art 
a  man  of  experience  among  rulers,  and  can  di 
vine  ;  and  I  am  a  simple  man,  without  experi 
ence   among   rulers ;    be   therefore   my  chief 
counsellor ;  then  Bilhe  consented  and  became 
the  chief  counsellor  of  Abraham. 

6.  Now  the  rulers  of  the  land  of  Jonbool, 
and  the  lords  thereof,  and  the  scribes  and  the 
pharisees,  and  the  merchants  and  the  shipmen 
hated  Bilhe  whose  surname  was  Zoord. 

7.  For  when  they  sought  the  downfall  of 

VER.  4.  A  passage  of  the  manuscript,  too  much  mutilated 
to  be  translated  in  a  connected  form,  tells  us  that  Horatius 
was  one  of  Bilhe's  admirers  and  friends,  and  that  they 
worked  together,  Horatius  always  upholding  Bilhe,  until 
Bilhe  refused  to  consent  that  Horatius  should  be  made  one 
of  the  chief  lawgivers  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm ;  after 
which  Horatius  became  Bilhe's  enemy ;  and  no  mean  one ; 
for  he  had  a  great  following. 
22* 


258  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

Unculpsalm,  and  would  have  fought  against 
her  in  the  day  of  her  calamity,  he  took  away 
occasion  from  them,  and  he  prophesied  against 
them,  declaring  continually  that  the  Phiretahs 
would  come  to  naught,  and  that  the  greatness 
and  the  power  and  the  glory  of  the  land  of  Un 
culpsalm  should  endure  forever.  Wherefore 
the  men  of  Jonbool  hated  him  with  an  exceed 
ing  great  hatred. 

8.  And  the  king  of  the  Pahlivoos  and  his 
counsellors  said  one  to  another,  What  doth  it 
matter  what  this  babbler  sayeth  ?     Let  us  not 
turn  back  therefor,  but  go  on  and  get  gold  and 
glory  in  Mecsicho.     But  Zoord  heeded  neither 
the  hatred  of  the  men  of  Jonbool,  nor  the  scoff 
ing  of  the  great  ones  among  the  Pahlivoos,  and 
he  said  unto  them, 

9.  Behold  now  the  pride  and  the  naughtiness 
of  your  hearts  !  I  tell  you  that  the  day  is  com 
ing,  and  will  soon  come,  when  ye  shall  be  at 
your  wits'  end  in  this  matter,  and  shall  repent 
yourselves  in  dust  and  ashes.     But  they  heeded 
him  not,  and  went  on  their  way,  both  them  of 
Jonbool  and  the  Pahlivoos. 

10.  And  now  again  he  took  away  occasion 
from  them ;  for  he  went  unto  Abraham  and  he 
said  unto  him, 

11.  Let  my  lord  live  forever,  and  be  ruler 
of  the  land  for  a  second  time.     Let  my  lord 
hearken  unto  his  servant  concerning  the  com- 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  259 

mand  of  Jonaydics ;  which  indeed  would  do 
justice  unto  the  Phiretahs,  and  unto  the  Kah- 
nux,  and  unto  the  men  of  Jonbool,  but  which 
would  work  confusion  for  us  hereafter. 

1 2 .  For  either  this  band  of  Phiretahs  are  rob 
bers,  or  they  are  soldiers  who  obey  the  com 
mand  of  Jeph  and  his  officers.     Now,  if  they 
be  robbers,  they  have  offended  against  our  law, 
and  must  be  demanded  by  thy  servant  to  be 
punished;  and  if  soldiers,  then  they  have  of 
fended  against  the  laws  of  the  land  of  Jonbool, 
and  we  can  neither  demand  them  for  to  be  pun 
ished  nor  join  battle  with  them  except  within  our 
own  borders  or  within  theirs,  unless  we  do  that 
which  is  cause  of  war  among  all  nations. 

13.  Let  us  not  do  thus  foolishly;    because 
there  is  an  account  between  us  and  the  rulers 
of  the  land  of  Jonbool  because  of  the  ships  that 
the  men  of  Jonbool  have  furnished  to  the  Phi 
retahs  to  our  harm ;  and  this  matter  is  greater 
than  the  other  an  hundred-fold. 

14.  Let  my  lord  Abraham,  therefore,  issue  a 
proclamation  that  the  command  of  Jonaydics 
be  not  obeyed,  that  we  may  come  to  our  great 
accounting  with  clean  hands. 

15.  And  Abraham  consented,  and  the  com 
mand   was   not   obeyed.      And   demand   was 
made  upon  the  rulers  of  the  Kahnux  for  the 
Phiretahs ;  but  they  gave  them  not  up,  but  let 
them  escape ;  for  the  people  desired  it,  and  the 
judges  winked  at  the  matter. 


260  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

16.  Then  Zoord  issued  a  decree  in  the  name 
of  Abraham,  —  saying  that  no  man  might  come 
from  the  land  of  the  Kahnux  into  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  unless  he  had  a  writing   sealed 
with  the  seal  of  the  ambassador  of  Abraham  in 
the  land  of  the  Kahnux,  showing  that  he  was 
neither  a  Phiretah  nor  other  robber.     And  the 
writing  cost  five  pieces  of  silver. 

17.  And  for  because  there  was  great  traffic 
between  those  lands,  and  men  went  back  and 
forth  every  day  about  their  business,  there  went 
up  a  great  cry  thereat.     And  before  many  days 
the  Kahnux  sent  messengers  unto  Zoord,  and 
said, 

1 8.  Let  not  my  lord  lay  his  hand  so  heavily 
upon  his  servants.     For  my  lord  hath  touched 
his  servants  where  they  are  most  tender,  even 
in  their  business  and  in  their  pockets.     Take 

.now  away,  we  beseech  thee,  thine  hand  from 
off  thy  servants,  and  let  them  go  back  and  forth 
about  their  business  as  aforetime,  and  thy  ser 
vants  will  undertake  that  their  borders  shall  be 
guarded,  that  no  Phiretahs  nor  no  manner  of 
robbers  pass  over  them  to  do  evil  unto  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm. 

19.  And  when  Bilhe,  whose  surname  was 
Zoord,  saw  that  they  were  in  the  dust  before 
him,   although  he  wielded  not  the  sword,  he 
was  gracious  unto  them,  and  he  revoked  the 
decree. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  26l 


CHAPTER  IV. 

I.  The  choice  of  Abraham  the  second  time.  4.  Andrew, 
whose  surname  was  Jon-sing.  9.  Is  set  up  to  be  the 
second  ruler  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.  10.  And  is 
chosen,  n.  The  Phiretahs  seek  to  burn  Gotham.  18. 
Phineas  who  was  called  Umbuggah.  20.  Hiram  the 
Publican. 

AND  it  came  to  pass,  that  after  these  things, 
about  the  time  of  the  new  moon,  the  peo 
ple  met  together  in  their  cities,  in  their  towns, 
and  their  villages,  to  choose  their  chief  ruler. 

2.  And   Abraham   was   chosen.      And   the 
multitude  of  them  that  gave  their  voices  for 
Abraham  was  so  great,  that  the  Kopur-hedds 
and  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmi-' 
chrats  and  the  Oueecneas  hid  their  heads  and 
crept  away  from  the  sight  of  men.     And  Pri 
mus  the   scribe,  who   dwelt  among  the  mer 
chants,  said,  Behold,  I  will  write  no  more  to 
instruct  the  people  of  this  land  and  the  rulers 
thereof;  but  I  will  pour  out  the  wealth  of  my 
wisdom  before  the  merchants. 

3.  Now  there  was  chosen  with   the   chief 
ruler  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  a  man  to  rule 
in  his  stead  if  he  should  die  before  the  time  for 


262  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

which  he  was  chosen  was  ended,  or  if  he 
should  be  smitten  with  grievous  sickness  or 
have  a  devil. 

4.  And  the  men  who  had  set  up  Abraham  to 
be  chosen  a  second  time,  looked  about  for  a 
man  to  be  set  up  with  him,  to  rule  if  need  be  in 
his  stead.     And  their  eyes  fell  upon  Andrew, 
whose  surname  was  Jon-sing. 

5.  Now  this  Andrew  had  aforetime  made 
garments  for  the  Phiretahs.     And  he  was  cun 
ning  to  make  garments  of  woollen ;  so  that  they 
who  before  the  time  when  Andrew  came  among 
them,  had  worn  raiment  made  by  the  sons  of 
Mizphit,  ceased  from  wearing  it  and  bought 
garments  of  Andrew.     Wherefore  Andrew  was 
hated  of  the  sons  of  Mizphit. 

6.  And  Andrew  waxed  rich,  and  came  to  be 
one  of  the  lawgivers  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm, 
and  sat  in  the  great  council  of  the  nation.     And 
it  was  of  the  Niggahs  that  he  was  called  Jon- 
sing.     Likewise    there   were   many   Niggahs 
that  called  themselves  Jon-sing. 

7.  And  when  the  Phiretahs   rebelled,   they 
said  unto  him,  Come  with  us,  and  be  one  of  us  ! 
But  he  spurned  them,  and  said,  Get  from  be 
fore  my  face ;  for  God  do  so  to  me  and  more 
also,  if  I  rest  day  or  night  until  ye  are  hanged, 
each  one  of  you,  for  this  iniquity. 

8.  Therefore,  when  the  Phiretahs  were  sub 
dued,  and  brought  to  naught  in  the  province 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  263 

where  Andrew  dwelt,  Abraham  made  Andrew 
governor  thereof. 

9.  And  the  men  said  one  to  another,  Behold 
now  this  Andrew,  whose  surname  is  Jon-sing, 
and  who  is  governor  of  his  province,  is  he  not 
wise,  and  hath  he  not  been  faithful  among  the 
faithless  and  served  this  nation,  taking^his  life 
in  his  hand? 

10.  Let  us  therefore  set  him  up  to  be  chosen 
as  the  second  ruler  in  the  land.     And  they  set 
him  up,  and  he  was  chosen. 

n.  And  about  these  days  certain  of  the 
Phiretahs,  which  had  gone  to  dwell  in  the 
land  of  the  Kahnux,  took  counsel  together  to 
destroy  the  city  of  Gotham  and  all  that  was 
therein. 

12.  And  they  sent  not  an  army  to   march 
against  it  and  take  it ;  but  they  took  to  them 
selves  certain  men,  and  said  to  them, 

1 3 .  Go  ye  now  into  the  city  of  Gotham ,  and  go 
to  the  inns  there,  and  take  lodging  as  friends ; 
and  say  each  of  you  unto  his  host,  Give  me  now  a 
convenient  chamber  that  I  may  lodge  with  thee ; 
and  look  ye  that  your  chambers  be  fitting  unto 
that  for  which  ye  are  sent.     And  some  of  you 
go  unto  the  houses  where  men  players  and 
women  players  play  before  the  people. 

14.  Take  also  with  you  oil  and  brimstone. 
And  it  shall  be  that  upon  a  day  appointed  ye 
shall  with  one  consent  pour  the  oil  and  the 


264  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

brimstone  upon  your  beds,  and  upon  the  floors 
of  the  chambers  under  your  beds,  and  in  hidden 
places  in  the  other  houses  ye  shall  pour  them, 
and  ye  shall  set  fire  to  them,  and  so  shall 
they  be  burned,  and  the  houses  round  about. 

15.  In  the  night  shall  ye  do  it,  that  the  city 
being  ftred  in  many  places  when  the  men  are 
asleep,  there  shall  be  none  to  extinguish  the 
fires  until  the  city  be  ready  to  be   consumed 
even  like  unto  Sodom  and  Gomorrah. 

16.  And  certain  of  the  Phiretahs  were  pricked 
in  their  consciences  and  said,  Is  it  lawful  for  us 
to  do  this  thing?     For  do  not  all  men  who  go 
to  an  inn  trust  each  unto  the  faith  of  the  other 
while  they  are  in  the  inn  together,  even  al 
though  they  be  enemies?     And  doth  not  the 
host  receive  them,  also  trusting  them?     And 
are  there  not  women  and  children  in  the  inns 
which  shall  be  consumed  therewith? 

17.  But  the  others  would  not  hearken  unto 
these,  and  answered  them,  saying,  We  seek 
not  to  burn  the  women  and  children,  but  only 
the  houses;   and  if  there  be  any  women  and 
children  in  the  houses,  their  blood  shall  be  upon 
their  own  heads. 

VER.  17.  It  may  be  supposed  that  such  an  answer  could 
be  made  only  by  a  half-civilized  Chaldean,  at  once  bloody 
and  subtle,  like  some  of  the  characters  with  whom  we  are 
made  acquainted  in  the  Hebrew  Scriptures.  But  the  follow 
ing  modern  instance  shows  that  the  same  spirit  which 
animated  these  Phiretahs,  may  be  developed  among  patri- 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  265 

18.  And  the  men  did  as  they  had  been  com 
manded,  and  they  set  fire  to  many  inns.     Like 
wise  also  did  they  to  the  house  of  Phineas,  who 
was    called    Umbuggah,  wherein  were    men 
players  and  women  players,  and  harlots,  and 
marvellous  beasts  and  fishes,   even   leviathan. 
And  as  it  is  written,  He  causeth  the  deep  to 
boil  like  a  pot,  who  can  stir  him  up  ?    so  Phin 
eas  had  him  there  in  the  pot,  and  had  one  to 
stir  him  up.     Also  the  whale  that  Jonah  swal 
lowed   and    his    gourd   that   withered    away; 
and  Jonah  was  outside  the  whale,  and  sat  in 
the  shadow  of  the  gourd. 

19.  But  Ken-Edee,  chief  of  the  watchmen, 
had  heard  of  the  device  of  the  Phiretahs,  and 
had  set  his  watchmen  to  watch  them.     And 
they  watched  for  the  men,  and  took  some  of 

archal  institutions  and  in  our  own  time  among  our  own 
people. 

Capt.  Robert  Cobb  Kennedy,  who  had  been  educated  at 
West  Point,  and  who  was  a  planter  in  Louisiana  before  the 
rebellion  of  1861,  was  hanged  at  New  York,  March  25th, 
1865,  upon  convictions  of  setting  fire  to  hotels  in  that  city. 
Before  his  death  he  made  a  confession  of  which  the  follow 
ing  sentences  are  a  part :  — 

"  '  I  set  fire  to  four  hotels,  or  rather  to  Barnum's  Museum, 
Lovejoy's  Hotel,  Tammany  Hotel,  and  the  New  England 
House.  The  others  only  set  fire  to  the  house  in  which 
each  was  stopping,  and  then  cut  off.  ...  In  retaliation 
for  Sheridan's  atrocities  in  the  Shenandoah  Valley,  we 
desired  to  destroy  property,  not  the  lives  of  women  and 
children,  although  that  of  course  would  have  followed  in  the 
train.' " 

23 


266  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

them,  and  stopped  the  fires,  so  that  the  city  was 
not  burned. 

20.  Now  the  Phiretahs  had  set  fire  to  many 
of  the  great  inns  in  Gotham,  but  to  the  house 
of  Hiram  the  Publican  they  set  not  fire  ;  where 
fore  men  said,  Behold  how  Hiram  the  publican 
is  bound  unto  the  Phiretahs  and  is  one  with 
them,  for  they  set  not  fire  to  his  inn,  neither 
consumed  they  his  habitation. 

21.  And  Hiram  answered  and  said,  Go  to, 
now,  needs  must  it  be  that  a  publican  set  his 
inn  on  fire  to  show  that  he  is  faithful  unto  the 
government  of  Unculpsalm  ?     And  he  laughed 
them  to  scorn. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     267 


CHAPTER  V. 

I.  The  Shear-man  cutteth  his  -way  to  the  sea.  3.  Saiphtee 
discomfiteth  a  Phiretah  Captain.  7.  Ulysses  marcheth 
against  Robbutleeh  again,  and  discomfiteth  him.  n. 
Jeph  the  Repudiator  fleeth.  13.  The  song  of  the  Nig- 
gahs.  24.  The  men  of  Gotham  are  drunken  'with  wine. 
25.  Ulysses  again  hath  the  victory.  30.  Robbutleeh  lay- 
eth  doivn  his  arms.  34.  And  also  the  other  captains  of 
the  Phiretahs. 

AND  it  came  to  pass  that  after  these  things 
the  captain  of  the  Bhum  Urs  marched 
westward  through  the  breadth  of  the  land  of 
Dicksee  even  unto  the  sea-shore.  And  the 
Phiretahs  spoke  very  fierce  words  against  him, 
and  prophesied  evil  against  him,  and  filled  the 
land  with  their  roarings  after  their  fashion. 

2.  But  the  Shear-man  heeded  not  the  fierce 
ness  of  their  words  or  their  prophesying  or  their 
roarings,  and  marched  onward.     And  the  Phi 
retahs  called  upon  Robbutleeh  to  send  help  unto 
them,   but  Ulysses  held  him  fast  so  that  he 
could  not.     And  the  Phiretahs  fled  from  before 
the  Bhum  Urs,  and  the  Shear-man  cut  his  way 
onward  through  the  land. 

3.  Moreover,  about  this  time,   the  Phiretah 


268  THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE. 

captain  whom  the  Shear-man  had  driven  out 
of  Hadal-antah,  gathered  together  a  great  army 
and  marched  against  a  mighty  captain  in  the 
armies  of  Unculpsalm,  who  was  named  of  his 
soldiers  Saiphtee. 

4.  (Now  this  captain  came  out  of  Pharjin- 
nee,   and  was  one  of  the  Ephephvees.     Yet 
was  he  faithful  to  the  land  of  Unculpsalm.) 

5.  And  Saiphtee   marched   backward,   and 
drew  the  Phiretahs  after  him  and  away  from 
the  army  of  the  Bhum  Urs.     And  when  he  had 
drawn  them  far  westward  into  the  land,   he 
went  into  a  little  city  there ;  and  the  Phiretahs 
sat  down  before  it,  and  boasted  that  they  would 
take   him   captive    and   put   his   army   to   the 
sword. 

6.  Then  he  gathered  his  army  together,  and 
marched  out  of  the  city,  and  fell  upon  the  Phi 
retahs  while  their  boastings  and  their  cursings 
were  in  their  mouths  :  And  he  discomfited  them 
with  great  slaughter,  and  they  fled  from  before 
him,  and  he  pursued  after  them  many  days,  and 
slew  them  as  they  fled ;    and  their  boasting  was 
turned  into  wailing  and  gnashing  of  teeth,  so  that 
the  city  where  Saiphtee  fell  upon  them  is  called 
Gnashfill  unto  this  day. 

7.  And  after  these  things  Ulysses  saw  that 
his   time   was    come,    and    that    the    occasion 
wherefor    he    had   waited    and   watched    and 
toiled  for  many  days  had  been  given  unto  him. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  269 

8.  And  he  marched  upon  Robbutleeh  while 
his  army  was  yet  in  the  forts  and  the  strong 
places  that  he  had  made.     And  Ulysses  had 
the  victory,  and  drove  Robbutleeh  out  of  his 
forts  and  his  strong  places. 

9.  And  it  was  the  Sabbath  day.     And  Jeph 
the  Repudiator  sat  in  the  synagogue  which  was 
in  the  chief  city  of  the  Phiretahs ;  and  the  chief 
men  of  the  Phiretahs,  Ephephvees,  were  about 
him,  and  as  he  sat,  there  came  a  messenger  to 
him  from  Robbutleeh,  saying, 

10.  Thy  servant  is  discomfited,  but  not  yet 
destroyed.    Nevertheless  he  can  no  longer  hold 
the  city.     Save  thyself,  thou  and  thy  household 
and  thy  counsellors,  and  flee,  for  Ulysses  is 
upon  thee. 

11.  And  Jeph  went  straightway  out  of  the 
synagogue  to  his  house,  and  began  to  gather 
his  gold  and  his  silver  and  his  stuff.     And  the 
thing  was  noised  abroad  in  the  city,  and  there 
was  great  commotion.     And  the  Phiretahs  fled 
from  that  city  and   from   the   villages   round 
about,  leaving  only  their  women  and  children. 
And  Jeph  fled  southward  before  them,  uttering 
boastings,  and  making  proclamations. 

VER.  9.  Ulysses  had  the  victory,  although  he  went  into 
battle  on  the  Sabbath  day ;  and  the  armies  of  Jeph  were 
overcome  although  he  was  in  the  synagogue.  This  is  one 
of  those  mysterious  dispensations  which  seem  to  be  sent  to 
baffle  our  understandings  and  to  try  our  faith. 

VER.  n,  12.  Uttering  boastings  and  making  proclama- 
23* 


270  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

12.  And  as  Jeph  was  fleeing  out  of  the  city, 
a  company  of  Niggahs,  which  had  joined  them 
selves  unto  the  armies  of  Unculpsalm  entered 
it  from  the  other  side  ;  and  as  they  entered  they 
lifted  up  their  voices  with  one  accord  and  sang, 
saying, 

13.  Tell  unto  me,  Niggahs,  and  declare  unto 
me,  oh  ye  of  woolly  locks  and  dark  counte 
nance,  have  you  seen  the  lord,  have  you  seen 
the  master? 

14.  Whose  beard  is  upon  his  face  and  above 
his  mouth  upon  his  face? 

15.  Have  you  seen  him  pass  this  way  since 
the  dawning,  looking  like  one  who  goeth  hasti 
ly  into  a  far  country  ? 

16.  He  saw  the  smoke,  the  smoke  rose  up 
before  him  on  the  river,  and  he  said, 

17.  O  my  soul,  these  are  the  ships  of  Fa 
ther  Abraham. 

18.  Then  he  covered  his  head;  he  put  on 
the  covering  of  his  head ;  he  covered  his  head 

tions.  Upon  this  passage  the  Rev.  Robert  Tombs,  D.  D., 
of  Georgia,  has  the  following  edifying  remarks  :  "  What  a 
warning  is  here  set  before  us !  Jeph  boasted  and  fell,  and 
boasted  even  as  he  was  falling.  Thus  it  is  always  with 
weak  souls  who  are  confident  in  their  own  strength.  Let 
us,  my  Southern  brethren,  use  this  example  to  our  own 
improvement  by  giving  daily  thanks  that  the  weakness  and 
the  folly  of  this  poor  heathen  have  not  been  laid  upon  us ; 
but  that  we  have  the  modesty  as  well  as  the  valor,  the 
magnanimity,  and  the  high  chivalric  tone  which  have  ever 
been  the  peculiar  characteristics  of  the  South." 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     271 

speedily ;  his  head-covering  he  put  on  with 
haste.  He  departed,  he  went  swiftly ;  he  de 
parted  covering  his  head  with  haste. 

19.  It  seemeth  unto  me  that  he  hath  fled, 
and  my  soul  saith  within  herself,  he  hath  ske 
daddled. 

20.  Behold  the  master  fleeth,  the  lord  passeth 
away. 

21.  But  the  servant  remaineth,  the  Niggah 
abideth  forever. 

22.  For  he  is  the  everlasting  Niggah. 

23.  Lo,  now  the  kingdom  cometh,  and  the 
year  of  Jubilee  is  at  hand ;    and  the  Niggah 
shall  rule  in  the  land,  and  the  master  shall  be 
cast  down  under  his  feet. 

VER.  13-23.  This  passage,  as  all  oriental  scholars  will 
see,  is  much  older  in  style  than  the  rest  of  the  book,  and 
has  traces  of  the  period  of  the  most  ancient  Hebrew  and 
Chaldee  writers.  Although  it  is  a  song  and  is  rhythmical, 
a  comparison  will  show  that  it  belongs  rather  to  the  period 
of  the  author  of  the  song  of  Deborah,  or  even  of  Lamech, 
than  to  that  of  the  more  cultivated  writers  of  the  time  of 
David  and  Solomon.  It  was  probably  an  ancient  song 
preserved  by  tradition  among  that  strange  and  recordless 
people,  the  Niggahs.  Yet  there  has  been  discovered  a 
coincidence  of  thought  between  this  song  and  the  following 
stanza :  — 

"  Say,  darkies,  have  you  seen  de  massa, 

Wid  de  muffstash  on  he  face, 
Go  'long  de  road  some  time  dis  mornin', 

Like  he  gwine  for  leabe  de  place? 
He  see  de  smoke  way  up  de  ribber 

Whar  de  Lincum  gun-boats  lay ; 


272  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

24.  And  the  news  of  the  fall  of  the  city  was 
spread  abroad  over  the  land   upon  the  light 
nings  of  the  heavens.     And  there  were  great 
rejoicings,  and  feastings,  so  that  that  night  all 
the  city  of  Gotham  was  drunken  with  wine. 
Likewise  was  it  in  many  other  cities  of  the 
langkies.     And  the  Kopur-hedds  were  abased, 
and  the  Oueecneas  vanished  away,  so  that  not 
one  of  them  was  found  thereafter,  and  the  sect 
of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmichrats  was  swal 
lowed  up  in  the  victory  of  the  Eunyunmen. 

25.  And   Robbutleeh  essayed  to  flee  west 
ward   with    his  army  among    the   mountains. 
But   Ulysses  pursued  after  him  and   overtook 
him,  and  fell  upon  him  with  great  slaughter. 

26.  And  his  army  saw  that  their  cause  was 
lost,    and    many  of  them    fell    behind,    and 
wandered  into  the  wilderness,   or  went  home 
ward,  for  there  was  no  power  to  keep  them. 
But  many  were  faithful  unto  the  end. 

He  took  he  hat  and  leff  berry  sudden, 
And  I  'spose  he's  runned  away. 
De  massa  run,  ha!  ha! 

De  darky  stay,  ho !  ho ! 
It  mus'  be  now  de  kingdum  comin', 
An'  de  yar  of  Jubilo." 

It  cannot  be  denied  that  the  coincidence  noticed  does 
exist  to  a  certain  degree.  This  can  only  be  accounted  for 
upon  the  plausible  and  ingenious  hypothesis  of  Dr.  Trite, 
that  either  the  former  was  written  before  the  latter  or  the 
latter  before  the  former. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      273 

27.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  Ulysses  with 
his  army  got  before  Robbutleeh  with  his  army, 
and  cut  him  off  and  hemmed  him  in  on  every 
side.     And  he  could  have  fallen  upon  Robbut 
leeh  and  the  remnant   of  his   army  and   put 
every  man  to  the  sword  and  cut  them  off  from 
the  face  of  the  earth. 

28.  But  he  had  compassion  upon  them  and 
respect  unto  them ;  for  Ulysses  was  not  a  man 
of  blood.     And  he  sent  a  messenger  unto  Rob 
butleeh,  saying : 

29.  Behold  now  the  end  has  come,  and  thou 
and  thine  army  are  in  the  hands  of  thy  ser 
vant.      Lay  down  thine    arms    now,  and  let 
there   be   peace   between   thee    and  me ;  and 
our  Father  Abraham  shall   pardon  thee,  and 
receive    thee    again  as  one    of    the    children 
of  Unculpsalm,  and  treat  thee  with  honor,  thee 
and  thine  officers,  and  all  that  are  with  thee. 

30.  But  at  first  Robbutleeh  would  not ;  for  he 
was  stout-hearted  and  stiff-necked.     But  after 
ward  he  considered  the  matter,   and   for  the 
sake  of  them  that  were  with  him  he  consented. 

31.  And  he  and  his  captains  and  his  officers 
and  his    soldiers  laid  down  their    arms,  and 
gave  themselves  up  captive. 

32.  And    there    was    an    apple-tree    where 
Robbutleeh  gave  himself  up.     That  it  might 
be  fulfilled  as  it  was  written,  We  will  hangjeph 
the  Repudiator  upon  a  bitter  apple-tree.     And 


274  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

that  tree  grew  and  multiplied  so  that  it  filled 
the  whole  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

33.  But  Ulysses  sent  them  every  man  to  his 
own  home,  saying,  See  only,  that  ye  obey  the 
laws  of  the  land  of   Unculpsalm,    and   have 
respect  unto  the  proclamations  of  our  Father 
Abraham.     And  he  gave  them  horses  to  ride 
upon ;  for  the  way  was  long  and  the  road  that 
they  had  travelled  was    hard.     And   he  said 
keep  the  horses,   that  ye  may  till  your  fields 
and  gather  in  your  harvests. 

34.  Now,  when  the  other  Phiretah  captains 
saw  that  Robbutleeh  had  laid  down  his  arms, 
they  laid  down  their  arms,  all  save  one  upon 
the  farthest  border  on  the  south-west  as  thou 
goest  into  the  land  of  Mecsicho. 

35.  And  it  was  in  the  spring  time,  in  the 
fourth  month,  on  the  ninth  day  of  the  month, 
that  Robbutleeh  laid  down  his  arms ;  and  be 
fore  the  sowing  of  the  latter  wheat  was  accom 
plished  the  other  captains  had  done  likewise. 
And  about  the  time  of  the  barley  harvest,  there 
was  peace  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  ;  so  that 
the  men  who    fought    gathered   in   the  latter 
wheat  harvest.     For  when  the  war  was  over 
each  man  returned  unto  his  own  home. 

VER.  33.  The  road  that  they  had  travelled  was  hard. 
Upon  the  margm  of  the  manuscript,  in  an  ancient  hand  is 
written,  —  "  As  one  of  the  poets  and  prophets  of  this  peo 
ple  had  before  declared,  'Jordan  is  a  hard  road  to  travel,  I 
believe,' "  having  manifestly  reference  to  the  undertaking  of 
the  Phiretahs  and  their  discomfiture. 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  275 


CHAPTER  VI. 

I.  The  Phiretahs  are  dismayed  at  their  defeat.  5.  Some 
submit  themselves.  8.  But  others  plan  another  minis 
tration  of  the  New  Gospel  of  Peace.  13.  They  band 
themselves  together  to  slay  Abraham  and  his  counsellors, 
and  Ulysses,  the  chief  captain.  18.  The  Durrektahs. 
28.  Abraham  is  slain.  32.  The  people  mourn  for  Abra 
ham. 

NOW,  when  the  Phiretahs  saw  that  Rob- 
butleeh  was  discomfited  and  taken  cap 
tive,  and  that  Jeph  the  Repudiates  was  flying 
southward,  giving  out  boastings  and  proclama 
tions, 

2.  (This  was  before  the  other  Phiretah  cap 
tains  had  laid  down  their  arms,) 

3.  They  were   dismayed,   and    said  one  to 
another,  Now  shall  we  be  put  to   the  sword 
and  carried  away  captive,   and  hanged  upon 
trees,  and  roasted  with  fire,  and  have  hot  pitch 
poured  upon  us,   and    be  ridden  upon  sharp 
beams  very  grievous  to  bestride,  even  as  we  did 
before  this  war  unto  the  langkies  when  they 
came  among  us  saying,  Do  ye  unto  all  men 
even  as  ye  would  have  all  men  do  unto  you. 

4.  Behold  we   are  subdued;  and  our  Nig- 


276  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

gahs,  to  keep  which  we  would  fain  have 
destroyed  the  government  of  Unculpsalm,  are 
taken  from  us. 

5.  And  most  of  them  submitted  themselves 
and  put  their  necks  under  the  yoke.     But  some 
of  them,  as  they  heard  that  Jeph  the  Repudia- 
tor  was  flying  southward,  giving  out  boastings 
and   proclamations,  conceived   wickedness   in 
their  hearts,   and    said,   There   yet  remaineth 
unto  us  one  opportunity. 

6.  For  although  peace  seemeth  to  be  coming 
unto  the  land,  it  is  not  peace  according  to  the 
new  gospel. 

7.  And  it  behoveth  us  that  there  shall  be  a 
new  ministration  of  this  gospel,  for  the  minis 
trations  that  have  been,   from  the  time  when 
Prestenbruux  ministered  it   unto   Charles  the 
Summoner  unto  the  day  when  Phernandiwud 
ministered  it  unto  the  watchmen  of  Gotham,  and 
unto  the  day  when  the  Pahdees  and  the  friends 
of  Horatio  the  Seemer  ministered  it  unto   the 
people  of  Gotham,  and  the  Niggahs  that  were 
therein,  did  not  attain  unto  the  power  and  the 
majesty  and  the  might  that  pertaineth  unto  this 
gospel. 

8.  Let  there  be  therefore  a  new  ministration 
which  shall  bring  us  peace  according  unto  the 
new  gospel,  which  shall  cause  all  ministrations 
which  have  been  heretofore  to  seem  as  nothing, 
and  which  shall  make  an  end  of  the  govern- 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  277 

ment  of  Abraham  the  Honest ;  for  we  will  not 
have  this  man  to  rule  over  us. 

9.  Then  they  took    counsel    together,    and 
said  one  to  another,  Remember  now  the  minis 
tration  of  Prestenbruux  how  it  came  to  naught, 
was  it  not  because  only  one  man  was  ministered 
unto,    and  he,   even    Charles  the  Summoner, 
was  left  alive?     Let  us  therefore  do  no  such 
folly,  but  let  us  be  thorough  in  this  matter. 

10.  And  they  took  counsel  together  to  slay 
Abraham  and  all  his  counsellors,  and  Ulysses, 
the  chief  captain,  and  Andrew,  whose  surname 
was  Jon-sing,  in  one  night. 

11.  For  they  said,  Thus  shall  the  govern 
ment  of  Unculpsalm  come  to  an  end,   and  the 
power  of  the  langkies  shall  vanish  away,  and 
there  shall  be  confusion  among  the  counsellors, 
and  the  armies  shall  be  without  a  leader,  and 
weakness  shall  come  upon  the  land  as  upon  a 
man  who  fainteth  by  the  wayside. 

12.  And  we  shall  seize   upon  the  govern 
ment,  and  the  Kopur-hedds  shall  join  them 
selves  unto  us,  and  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among 
the  Dimmichrats,  and  the  friends  of  Horatio 
the  Seemer.     For  did  they  not    minister  the 
new    gospel    unto    the    officers  of  Abraham, 
and  unto  the  langkies  and  the  Niggahs  that 
dwelt  within  Gotham,   and  the  country  round 
about  ?     And  we  shall  rule  the  land,  and  the 
new  gospel  of  peace  shall  prevail. 

24 


278  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

13.  Then  a  band  of  the    Phiretahs  bound 
themselves  together  by  an  oath,  and  they  lay 
in  wait  to  slay  Abraham  and  his  counsellors, 
and  Ulysses  the   chief  captain,   and  Andrew, 
whose   surname  was  Jon-sing,  on    the  same 
night. 

14.  Now,  at  the  time  when  the  band  of  the 
Phiretahs  conspired  together  to  slay  Abraham 
and  his  counsellors,  and  Ulysses,  and  Andrew 
whose  surname  was  Jon-sing,  Bilhe,  whose  sur 
name  was  Zoord,  lay  sick  in  his  house. 

15.  And  there   came  a  day  whereon  Abra 
ham  had  commanded    the    banner  of  Uncul- 
psalm  to  be  raised  with  great  rejoicings  upon 
the  ruins  of  the  fort  which  lay  before  Tchawl- 
stn,  and  when  he  was  to  go   to  the  hall  of  the 
players,   that   the    men-players    and   women- 
players  might  play  before  him  even  as  David 
played  upon  the  harp  before  Saul.     For  his 
head  was  weary,  and  his  heart  was  troubled, 
even  in  the  hour  of  the  triumph  of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm.     And  Ulysses  the  chief  captain 
was  to  go  with  him  to  the  hall  of  the  players. 

16.  And  the  liers-in-wait  said,  Behold  our 
opportunity  has  come ;  for  we  can  slay  Abra 
ham  and  the  chief  captain  together,  and  one 
of  us  shall  slay  Bilhe  the  chief  counsellor  as  he 
lieth  sick  upon  his  bed,  and  another  shall  slay 
Andrew,    whose     surname    is    Jon-sing,    and 
others  also  the  other  counsellors. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  279 

17.  And  Abraham  went  to  the  hall,  and  sat 
in  a  little  room  in  the  gallery,  he  and  his  wife 
and  one  of  his  captains ;  and  the  men-players 
and  women-players  played   before   him,   and 
before  the  people  that  were  in  the  hall  round 
about.      But  Ulysses   the   chief  captain   went 
not  to  the  halls  with  Abraham,  but  journeyed 
into  the  north  country. 

18.  But  the  liers-in-wait  said,  We  can  tarry 
no  longer,  let  the  ministration   be  this  night, 
even  although   the  chief  captain  be  not  with 
Abraham.     Moreover,  hath  he  not  taken  his 
journey  upon   a  roadway  of  iron  ?     Mayhap 
the   Lord  will   deliver    him    into    our    hands 
through  the  hands  of  the  Durrektahs. 

19.  Now  the  Durrektahs  were  robbers. 

20.  And  they  lived  upon  the  roadways  of 
iron  (for  there  were  roadways  of  iron  in  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  through  the  country  and 
even  in  the  cities  thereof) ,  and  the  Durrektahs 
enticed  the  people  thereon,   men,  women,  and 
children,  saying  unto  them  : 

21.  Come   unto  us,   for    our  ways  like  the 
ways  of  wisdom  are  ways  of  pleasantness,  and 
all  our  paths  are  peace. 

22.  And  the  people  listened  unto  them,  and 
went  upon  their  roadways,  and  the  Durrektahs 
took  them  and  thrust  them   into   prison,  even 

VER.  22,  23,  24.  May  not  those  who  insist  upon  a  modern 
origin  for  this  work  be  triumphantly  referred  to  this  pas- 


280  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

prisons  upon  wheels,  noisome  and  ill-smelling, 
so  that  they  could  not  breathe. 

23.  And  on  the  roadways  in  the  cities  the 
Durrektahs  thrust  the  people  by  fifties  and  by 
hundreds  into  dungeons,  even  dungeons  upon 
wheels,  until  there  was  not  room  therein  for  a 
man's  hand,  so  that  they  could  neither  sit  nor 
stand  as  it  becometh  men  to  sit  or  stand,  but 
each  was  held  up  by  being  pressed  against  the 
other. 

24.  And  the  people  seethed  together  in  the 
wheeled  dungeons,  even  as  the  flesh  of  a  kid 
is   seethed    in  a  pot;  and  the   steam  of   their 
seething  went  up  round  about  them   and   be 
came  the  breath  of  their  nostrils  ;  and  as  they 
were  dragged  on  in  the  dungeons,  with  what 
breath   they   had  they   reviled    their   tormen 
tors. 

,25.  And  when  the  Durrektahs  had  taken  the 
money  of  the  people  and  put  them  into  the 
wheeled  dungeons,  ofttimes  they  killed  them, 
dashing  out  their  brains  and  breaking  their 
arms  and  legs.  So  that  whereas  in  other 
countries  when  one  man  hated  another,  he 
fell  upon  him  with  the  sword  and  slew  him, 

sage  in  refutation  of  their  theory?  Was  anything  like  the 
conduct  of  these  Durrektahs  ever  heard  of  in  this  country  — 
anything  that  could  be  thus  told  even  by  way  of  parable  ? 
In  these  days  of  civilization  and  philanthropy,  who  needs  to 
be  told  that  proceedings  like  those  of  the  Durrektahs  are 
quite  impossible? 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      28l 

or  mingled  poison  with  his  meat,  in  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm  he  was  gracious  unto  him,  and 
lent  him  money  and  sent  him  to  take  a  jour 
ney  upon  a  roadway  of  iron  whereon  there 
were  Durrektahs. 

26.  Yet   the   people   slew  not   the  Durrek 
tahs  ;    for    the    langkies   were    long-suffering 
and  slow  to  anger,  except  men  treated  them 
with  scorn  and  reviled  them  like  the  men  of 
Jonbool ;  and  the  Durrektahs  waxed  rich  and 
robbed  and  murdered  diligently  day  by  day; 
and  no  man  hindered  them. 

27.  Wherefore    it   was    that   the   Phiretahs 
looked  that  mayhap  Ulysses  should  be  put  to 
death  at  the  hands  of  the  Durrektahs. 

28.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  while  the  men- 
players     and    women-players    played    before 
Abraham    as   he    sat   in  the   little  room,  and 
before  the  people  as  they  sat  in  the  hall,  one 
of  the   liers-in-wait   entered  "the  room  privily 
and  slew  him  by  the    side   of  his  wife ;   and 
while   men   stood   still  with  astonishment,  he 
fled  and  escaped  into  the  wilderness  of  Phar- 
jinnee,  even  into  the  country  of  the  Epheph- 
vees. 

VER.  28.  Abraham  was  slain  as  he  sat  looking  upon  men- 
players  and  women-players.  This  good  man  was  betrayed 
into  going  to  what  was  very  plainly  something  like  what 
we  now  call  a  theatre.  Having  yielded  to  the  temptation, 
and  stepped  aside  from  the  path  of  duty,  he  met  his  death. 
If  he  had  not  gone  to  see  the  players,  he  would  not  have 
24* 


282  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

29.  And   at   the  same  time  another  of  the 
same   band   entered   the   house    of  the   chief 
counsellor,  whose   surname  was   Zoord,  say 
ing,  Let  me  see  the  chief  counsellor,  for  I  am 
come  from  his  physician. 

30.  And  he   made  his  way  to   the  bedside 
of  the    sick,    and   fell   upon   him,   and  smote 
him  with  the   sword,  that  he  fell  down  upon 
the   ground  as  one  dead.     Yet  was  he  not 
dead. 

31.  And  the  lier-in-wait  also  smote  the  son 
of  Zoord,  who  was   called   Phredzoord,  and, 
leaving   him    for    dead,    fled   also.      But  the 
hearts  of  the  men  to  whom  it  had  been  given 
to  slay  the  counsellor  for  war,  and  Andrew, 
whose  surname  was  Jon-sing,  failed  them. 

32.  And  there  was  great  sorrow  throughout 
the  land  when   it  was   known  that  Abraham 
was  dead,  and  in  the  lands  beyond  the  sea. 
And   even   in   the  land   of  Jonbool,  men   be 
wailed  themselves  that  he  was  slain.     For  all 
men  saw  that  he  had  been  a  just  man  and  a 
merciful,  and  that  he  judged  the  land  in  right 
eousness. 

been  killed  in  a  theatre.  A  fruitful  example  and  an  awful 
warning  to  the  worldly  in  these  latter  days.  But  the  saintly 
Spoonbill's  conclusion  that  Zoord,  the  chief  counsellor,  be 
ing  nearly  killed  in  bed  is  a  lesson  against  yielding  to  the 
weakness  of  the  flesh  and  passing  precious  time  in  that 
position,  is  hardly  warranted.  Perhaps  the  warning  was 
intended  only  for  chief  counsellors. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     283 

33.  And  the  men  of  Jonbool  sent  messages 
to  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  telling  the  people 
of  that  land   their  sorrow  for  the  slaying  of 
Abraham,   and  that  they   held   his   name   in 
honor. 

34.  But  the  langkies   answered  and   said, 
Ye   do  well  that  ye  are   sorry;   but   must  a 
ruler  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  be  slain  by 
liers-in-wait   before    ye    can    see    that    he    is 
worthy  of  honor?     Go  to,  now,  what  valueth 
such  honor  to  him  or  to  us? 

35.  And  men  went  out  into  the  wilderness 
after  the  liers-in-wait,  and  pursued  them  upon 
horses,  and  one  they  slew,  and  the  others  they 
took,  and  they  hanged  them  upon  a  gallows, 
and   a  woman  that   had  been   privy  to   their 
lying-in-wait. 

36.  And  Abraham's  body  was    embalmed, 
and  was  taken  through  the  land  and  through 
the  cities   and  villages   thereof,  by  the  same 
way  by  which  he  had  passed  when  he  came 
from  his  house  when   he  was   first  chosen  to 
be  chief  ruler,  and  over  which  he  returned  not 
again  alive.     And  the  people  which  had  come 


VER.  33.  See  the  blundering  craft  of  the  men  of  Jonbool. 
They  had  reviled  Abraham  for  three  years,  and  now,  when 
he  was  slain  and  the  langkies  are  victorious,  they  mourn 
over  and  glorify  the  very  man  who  a  few  days  before  they 
were  reviling.  See  also  that  the  langkies  knew  their  craft. 
In  vain  is  the  net  spread  in  the  sight  of  any  bird. 


284  THE    NEW    GOSPEL,   OF    PEACE. 

out  to  meet  him  then,  to  greet  him  with  rejoic 
ing,  now  came  sorrowing,  and  as  his  coffin 
passed  they  uncovered  their  heads  and  bowed 
themselves  down  before  it.  And  the  land 
mourned  Abraham  many  days. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     285 


CHAPTER    VII. 

I.  Andrew  ruleth  tJie  land  of  Unculpsalm.  7.  The  rulers 
of  Jonbool  and  the  Phiretahs  tremble.  8.  Jeph  the 
Repudiator  fleeth  South-ward.  10.  But  is  overtaken 
by  the  horsemen  of  Unculpsalm.  16.  His  wife  per- 
suadeth  him  to  put  on  her  garments.  22.  He  fleeth  in 
them.  24.  But  discovereth  himself.  27.  And  is  taken 
captive. 

AND  Abraham  slept  with  his  fathers,  and 
Andrew,  whose  surname  was  Jon-sing, 
ruled  in  the  land. 

2.  For  the   hopes    of   the   Phiretahs   were 
brought  to   naught,  and    the    government   of 
Unculpsalm  came  not  to  an  end,  but  continued 
according  to  the  Great  Covenant ;  neither  was 
there  confusion  among  the  counsellors. 

3.  For  the   counsellors  and   all  the  people 
said,  Is  not  Andrew,  whose  surname  is  Jon- 
sing,  chosen  to  be  chief  ruler  in  the  stead  of 
Abraham?      Let  the  land  be  ruled  as  afore 
time  according  to  the  Great  Covenant  which  is 
like  unto  the  laws  of  the  Medes  and  Persians, 
and  altereth  not. 

4.  And  Ulysses,  the  chief  captain,  escaped 
out  of  the  hands  of  the  Durrektahs,  so  that  the 


286  THE   NEW   GOSPEL  OF   PEACE. 

armies  lacked  not  a  leader ;  and  the  land  was 
stronger  than  it  was  before  the  slaying  of 
Abraham. 

5.  For  Robbutleeh   and   his   chief  officers, 
and  even  all  they,  save  the  robbers  among  the 
Phiretahs  which  went  about  slaying  each  other 
with  knives  and  with  shooting-irons,  declared 
against  this  manner  of  putting  to  death  privily 
by  liers-in-wait.      And  they  said,  Behold,  we 
are  discomfited  and  subdued,  doth  it  not  be 
hoove  us  to  submit  to  the  conqueror,  that  he 
may  be  merciful  unto  us  and  not  grind  us  to 
powder  ? 

6.  And  all  other  nations  and  peoples  were 
amazed,  and   said,  Lo,  this   is   wonderful   in 
our  eyes  that  the  langkies  have  subdued  the 
Phiretahs,  and  more,  that  when   their   chief 
ruler  was  put  to  death,  although  there  were 
factions  in  the  land,  the  government  fell  not 
into  confusion ;   neither  did  the  langkies  fall 
upon  the  Phiretahs  and  put  them  to  the  sword, 
and  visit  their   own  sins  upon   them,  treating 
them  as  they  had  been  treated   by  the    Phi 
retahs,  but  every  man  went  his  way  in  peace, 
and  justice  was  done  even  as  aforetime.     Such 
a  thing  was  not  known  before ;  no,  not  since 
the  world  began. 

7.  And  the  rulers  of  the  other  lands  and  the 

VER.  7.  Observe  how  the  men  of  Jonbool  are  in  constant 
fear  lest  the  langkies  should  make  war  upon  them  at  the 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     287 

scribes  sought  to  recommend  themselves  unto 
the  governors  and  unto  the  people  of  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm.  For  they  remembered  how 
they  had  spoken  evil  of  that  land  and  thrust 
out  the  lip  at  it  when  they  thought  the  nation 
might  be  destroyed  and  the  people  divided; 
how  the  shipmen  of  the  land  of  Jonbool  had 
builded  war-ships  for  the  Phiretahs  and  the 
king  of  the  Pahlivoos  had  sent  over  an  army 
into  Mecsicho,  which  otherwise  he  had  not 
dared  to  do.  For  the  rulers  and  the  scribes 
said,  Lest  these  langkies,  having  their  army 
ready  to  be  set  in  battle  array  and  their  war 
ships  builded,  make  war  upon  us. 

8.  Now,  as  Jeph  the  Repudiator  fled  south 
wards,  uttering  boastings    and   proclamations, 
messengers    overtook    him,  saying  that  Rob- 
butleeh  had  been    discomfited,   and  had  laid 
down  his  arms,  and  given  himself  up  captive, 
and   that  the  other    Phiretah  captains  would 
do   likewise.     And  when  Jeph  heard  this  he 
stopped  his   boastings   and  his  proclamations, 
and  fled  on  the  faster.     But  the  horsemen  of 
Unculpsalm  followed  hard  after. 

9.  And  there  were  with  Jeph   certain  sol 
diers  of  the  Phiretahs,  which  kept  guard  over 

first  opportunity,  and  how  the  langkies,  in  spite  of  the  be 
havior  and  the  speech  of  the  men  of  Jonbool,  have  no 
thought  of  molesting  them.  A  terrible  lesson  in  these 
groundless  alarms  of  a  guilty  conscience. 


288  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

him  night  and  day ;  and  his  wife  also  was  with 
him.  And  when  they  rested  by  the  way  they 
went  not  into  villages  and  houses,  but  pitched 
their  tents  in  the  fields. 

10.  And  before  many  days-  the  horsemen  of 
LJnculpsalm  came  up  with  them,  and  the 
soldiers  fled  before  them  and  left  Jeph  and 
his  wife  and  their  servants  in  their  tents. 

n.  And  Jeph's  wife  said  unto  him,  Jeph, 
the  langkies  be  upon  thee.  Flee  now  for  thy 
life,  and  take  to  the  woods  and  the  mountains ; 
else  they  will  take  thee  and  hang  thee,  even  as 
the  langkie  boys  have  sung,  saying, 

12.  We  will  hang  Jeph  the  Repudiator  upon 
a  tree ; 

13.  Upon     an    apple-tree     shall    Jeph    be 
hanged ; 

14.  Yea  upon  a  tree  that  beareth  bitter  ap 
ples  shall  he  be  lifted  up. 

15.  And  Jeph  answered  and  said,  How  can 
I  flee,  seeing  that  the  langkies  have  surrounded 
us  on  every  side,  and  that  they  know  me,  and 
that  I  am  not  swift  of  foot  to  flee  before  them ; 
and  moreover  that  they  will  seize  upon  every 
man  that  cometh  out  from  our  tents  and  carry 
him  away  captive  or  mayhap  put  him  to  death 
instantly  ? 

16.  And  his  wife  said,  Hearken  unto  me. 
Behold,  here  are  my  garments :   put  them  on 
straightway,   and    put    this    bonnet    upon  thy 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     289 

head,  and  go  out  of  the  tent  boldly,  and  I  will 
go  with  thee  and  say  thou  art  my  mother. 

17.  Then  Jeph    answered  and    said,  I  may 
not   put  on   thy  garments ;    for  although  it  is 
written  that  a  woman  may  wear  the  garment 
of  her  husband,   even    the   garment  which  is 
unmentionable,    and    all    men  know  that  she 
often  doeth  it,  it  is  not  written  that  the  husband 
may  wear  the  garments  of  the  wife. 

18.  Moreover  I  have    not  proved  this  rai 
ment;    and  the  inner    garments  are  fearfully 
and  wonderfully  made,   and  are  like   unto  a 
ladder,  even  a  ladder  upon  which  angels'  feet 
are  seen   even  as  Jacob    saw    them  when  he 
slept  at    Padan-aram.     And    the    guiding  of 
these  garments  is  learned  only  after  many  trials. 
And  peradventure  I  shall  wear  them  without 
showing  what  they  are  feigned  to  conceal,  and 
then  will  the  langkies  know  that  I  am  not  a 
woman. 

19.  Now  Jeph's   wife   hearkened   not  unto 
his  pleadings,  but   persuaded   him  earnestly. 
And  he  suffered  her  to  indue  him  with  the  gar 
ments  ;  and  she  put  them  on  hastily ;  for  the 
langkies  came  on  apace  and  the  peril  was  great. 

20.  And  they  went  out  of  the  tent,  she  and 
her  husband.      And    they  met  certain  of  the 
langkies  who  said  unto  them,  We  seek   Jeph 
the  Repudiator.     Tell  us  now  where  we  may 
find  him,  and  it  shall  be  well  with  you. 

25 


2pO  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

21.  And  Jeph's  wife  answered  and  said,  Thy 
handmaid  knoweth    not  where    Jeph  is.     He 
was  among  our  tents,  but  when  my  lords  the 
langkies  came  he  fled,  thy  handmaid  knoweth 
not  whither.     Suffer  now  thy  handmaid  to  de 
part  with  her  mother,   who   is  with  her,   that 
they  may  draw  water    and  they  will    return 
again. 

22.  And  the    langkies  suffered    them,  and 
turned  to   look  after  them  as  they  departed. 
And  Jeph's  heart  sank  within  him  as  he  went, 
and  he  began  to  go  faster.     And  the  garments 
incumbered  him  as  he  went. 

23.  Then  he  thought  within  himself,  Oh  that 
I  might  gird  up  my  loins  and  flee  ;  but  I  can 
not  because  of  the  fashion  of  the  garments. 
Yet  may  I  not  lift  up  the  outer  garments  about 
my  knees,  even  as  I  have  seen  the  women  of 
Gotham  lift  them  up,  gathering  them  on  each 
side  in  their  hands,  in  the  street  which  is  called 
Broad  ?     Even  so  shall  I   show  that  I  know 

VER.  21.  Thy  handmaid  know eth  not  where  Jeph  is.  Sad 
to  relate,  Jeph's  wife  lied.  She  did  know  where  her  hus 
band  was,  yet  she  said  that  she  did  not.  Suppose  that,  by 
a  chance  that  might  easily  have  happened,  she  had  acci 
dentally  been  shot  dead  upon  the  spot  by  one  of  the  lang 
kies,  and  sent  into  the  next  world  with  her  lie  unrepented 
of,  how  awful  the  thought  that  she  would  lie  in  torment  for 
all  eternity,  through  yielding  for  a  moment  to  the  tempta 
tions  of  carnal  affection!  Because,  therefore,  we  do  not 
know  when  we  may  be  called  to  answer  for  our  lies,  we 
should  always  tell  the  truth. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


how  to  wear  the  garments  like  a  woman  ;  and 
the  langkies  shall  say,  It  is  a  woman.  And 
he  lifted  them. 

24.  And    it  came    to  pass  that  when  Jeph 
lifted  the  garments  and  ran,'  the  langkies  look 
ing  saw  his  feet  and  his  legs  running  ;    and 
they  said  one  to  another, 

25.  Behold  now,  and  see  :  the  garments  are 
the  garments  of  a  woman,  but  the  feet  are  the 
feet  of  a  man  ;  neither  doth  a  woman  when  she 
raiseth  her  garments  stride  in  this  fashion  with 
her  legs,  but  minceth  her  steps. 

26.  And  they  saw  it  was  a  man,  and  they 
pursued  after.     And  Jeph  raised  the  garments 
higher,  even  unto  the  girding  of  his  loins  that 
he  might  flee  faster,  and  they  fluttered  in  the 
wind  behind  him  as  he  fled. 

27.  And  the  langkies  outran  him  and  over 
took  him,  and  they   saw  that  it  was  Jeph  the 
Repudiator,  who  had  boasted  himself  that  he 
was  chief  ruler  over  half  the  land  of  Uncul- 
psalm.     And  they  sent  him  to  Andrew,  whose 
surname  was  Jon-sing,  and  Andrew  cast  him 
into  prison,  and  there  he  is  unto  this  day. 

VER.  27.  Jeph,  who  boasted  himself  chief  ruler  over  half 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  was  taken  by  Andrew  and  cast  into 
prison,  like  a  common  malefactor  —  a  lesson  to  a  boasting 
Phiretah.  "  And  there  he  is  unto  this  day."  This  passage 
plainly  shows  that  the  saintly  penman  wrote  this  book  not 
long  after  the  end  of  the  war  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 
It  is  difficult  to  deny  the  merit  of  plausibility  to  Dr.  Trite's 


292  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

suggestion  that  if  we  could  determine  the  date  of  the  writ 
ing  of  the  book  we  might  approximate  to  that  of  the  occur 
rence  of  the  war,  while,  on  the  other  hand,  if  we  knew  when 
the  war  took  place  we  could  conjecture  the  date  when  the 
book  was  written. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     293 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

I.  The  Kopur-hedds  seek  to  join  themselves  unto  Andrew. 
3.  Although  they  have  reviled  him.  \\.AssohkaldEd- 
dittah  craivleth  on  his  belly  before  Andrew.  13.  Andrew 
'will  have  none  of  them.  15.  But  giveth  himself  dili 
gently  to  ruling  the  land.  16.  Augustus  the  money 
changer.  18.  Goeth  to  the  land  of  Jonbool.  19.  He  is 
rebuked  by  other  money-changers. 

AND  it  came  to  pass,  after  the  slaying  of 
Abraham,  that  the  Kopur-hedds  and  the 
sect  of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmichrats  said 
among  themselves,  Lo,  now  had  been  the  day 
of  our  triumph  had  we  not  been  at  enmity  with 
Andrew  who  sitteth  in  the  seat  of  Abraham. 

2.  For  Andrew  was  a  Dimmichrat;  but  so  it 
was  that  when  he  was  made  governor  over  his 
province    the    Kopur-hedds    and  the  sect  of 
Smalphri  reviled  him  and  spoke  evil  against 
him  day  by  day,  saying, 

3.  This  man  is  like  the  beasts  of  the  field, 
for  he  walloweth  like  a  sow,  and  he   raveneth 
like  a  wolf,  and  his  ravings  and  his  howlings 
are  like  the  wild  beasts  of  the  forest;  he  is 
faithless  as  a  serpent ;  even  as  a  cockatrice  is  he 
unto  the  men  of  his  sect  and  his  province. 

25* 


294  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

4.  Moreover,   he  made  garments  aforetime 
for  the    Phiretahs,  and  caused  them  to   turn 
away   from   the    handiwork   of   the    sons    of 
Mizphit. 

5.  And  when  Andrew  was    chosen    to  be 
second  in  the  land  and  to  rule  if  need  be  in  the 
stead  of  Abraham,  then  were  the  railings  and 
revilings  of  the  Kopur-hedds  and  the  sect  of 
Smalphri  against  him  tenfold  greater  than  be 
fore.     For  they  thought  that  thus  they  would 
commend  themselves   unto    their   masters  the 
Phiretahs  by  reviling  a  man  born  among  them 
who  loved  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  more  than 
he  loved  the  everlasting  Niggah,  and  who  had 
set  his  face  against  them  in  their  rebellion. 

6.  And    chief    among    them   who    reviled 
Andrew  was  Assohkald  Edittah,  the  scribe  in 
Gotham,  who  to  gain  the  World  had  lost  his 
own  soul. 

7.  For  although  he  reviled  Abraham  and  his 
chief  counsellors  day  by  day,  and  had  reviled 
them  for  three  years,  ever  since  he  had  sold 
himself  unto   the  Kopur-hedds  in  the  second 
year  of  the  rule  of  Abraham,  yet  he  published 
it  unto  the  people  of  Gotham  that  they  should 
pray  that  the  life  of  Abraham  might  be  pre 
served,  lest  perchance  the  rule  might  fall  into 
the  hands  of  this  Andrew  whose  surname  was 

VER.  7.  No  Jitter  than  a  horse  to  rule  the  land  of  Uncul- 
fsalm.     See  note  B  at  the  end  of  this  book. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  295 

Jon-sing,  saying  that  he  was  like  unto  a  beast, 
even  to  the  unclean  beast  that  is  worshipped  in 
the  city  of  Swine-sin-naughty,  and  no  fitter 
than  a  horse  to  rule  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

8.  For  he   bethought  him  not  that  Andrew 
might  one  day  sit  in  the  seat  of  Abraham. 

9.  Thus  it  was  that  the  Kopur-hedds  were 
at    enmity  with  Andrew,    and   that  they    be 
wailed  themselves,  saying,  Behold  now,  Andrew 
is  a  Dimmichrat,  and  we  also  are  Dimmichrats  ; 
woe  unto  us  that  we  have  reviled  him,  else  we 
might  join  ourselves  unto  him  and  set  ourselves 
against  the  Phiretahs  (  now  that  they  are  con 
quered),  and  he  would  make  us  his  officers 
and  the   government  should   again   be  in  the 
hands  of  our  faction,  and   we   should  be  tax- 
gatherers,  and  sit  at  the  receipt  of  custom. 

10.  And  it  came   to  pass   that  after  a  little 
while   they  did  strive  to  join  themselves  unto 
Andrew,    and    they  bowed    themselves  down 
unto  him  and  said,  Hail,  my  lord  chief  ruler  of 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm  that   is  to  be.     And 
they  compromised  themselves  unto  him. 

1 1 .  But  of  all  that  compromised  themselves 
the  chiefest  was  Assohkald  Eddittah  who  had 
gained   his  World   and  lost   his  soul ;    for   he 
compromised  himself  daily  before  Andrew,  and 
crawled  on  his  belly  in  the  dust  before  him, 

VER.  ii.  Be  gracious  my  lord  unto  the  meanest  of  thy 
servants.     See  note  B  at  the  end  of  this  book. 


296  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

and  said,  Be  gracious,  my  lord,  unto  the  meanest 
of  thy  servants ;  and  let  the  light  of  thy  coun 
tenance  shine  upon  thy  servant,  and  suffer  thy 
servant  to  lick  the  dust  from  thy  feet,  and  place 
thy  foot  upon  the  neck  of  thy  servant,  for  thou 
art  the  light  of  this  land  and  the  saviour  of 
this  people ;  and  it  is  meet  and  right  and 
pleasant  that  thy  servant  should  compromise 
himself  unto  thee  and  crawl  upon  his  belly  in 
the  dust  before  thee,  and  that  his  body  should 
be  thy  footstool.  Only  be  gracious  unto  thy 
servant  and  his  friends ;  and  unto  thee  be  the 
power  and  the  glory,  and  unto  us  the  loaves 
and  the  fishes. 

12.  But   when  Andrew   had  heard   this  he 
said  within  himself,  Doth  this   scribeling  think 
that  a  man  forgetteth  on  one  day  that  which 
was  the  day  before  ?     Do  I  not  know  this  man 
and  they  who  bought  him,  and  what  they  have 
been  these  three  years  when  there  was  need 
of  true  men  in  the  land  ?     Now,  as  I  live,  and 
as  my  soul  liveth,  and  as  I  hate  a  rebel  against 
the  government  of  Unculpsalm,  so  more  than 
a  rebel  do  I  hate  and  loathe  a  Kopur-hedd. 

13.  And  Andrew  regardeth  not  the  words  of 
Kopur-hedds,  but  passed  them  by  as   an  idle 
wind,  and  kept  his  counsel  in  his  own  heart. 

14.  But  nevertheless  the  Kopur-hedds  con 
tinued  to  bow  down  unto  him,  and  the  sect  of 
Smalphri  among  the  Dimmichrats  magnified 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.      297 

him,  and  the  Phiretahs  abased  themselves  be 
fore  him,  and  they  among  the  langkies  who 
worshipped  the  everlasting  Niggah,  and  served 
him  only,  sought  to  join  Andrew  unto  them 
selves.  For  they  each  of  them  said,  If  Andrew 
will  join  himself  unto  us  we  can  rule  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm  in  the  interest  of  our  faction. 

15.  But    Andrew    cared  for   none  of  these 
things,    and  gave  himself  diligently  to  ruling 
the   land    according   to   the   Great  Covenant. 
And,  as  he  ruled  it,  not  only  the  Kopur-hedds, 
and  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmi- 
chrats,  and  the  Phiretahs,  but  the  worshippers 
of  the  everlasting  Niggah  all  went  about  crying, 
Great  is  Andrew  whose  surname  is  Jon-sing, 
and  we  are  his  prophets !     Hail  to  him  chief 
ruler  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  that  is  to  be 
hereafter ! 

1 6.  And    about    the   time   when  Jeph  was 
taken  captive  and  cast  into  prison,   Augustus 
the  money-changer,  who  was  one  of  the  sect 
of  Smalphri  among  the  Dimmichrats  that   set 
up  Litulmak  to  be  chosen  chief  ruler  in  the 
place  of  Abraham,  went  to  the  land  of  Jonbool ; 

17.  And  passed  through  it  to  the  countries 
beyond  wherein  he  was  born  and  brought  up, 
and  whither  aforetime  when  Phranclin  ruled 
the  land  he  had  been  sent  as  an  ambassador ; 
so  that  the  men  of  those  countries  said,  Behold 
they  send  a  stranger  unto  us :  Are  there  not 


2p8  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

men  born  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  that  are 
fit  to  be  sent  ambassadors,  but  must  they  obtain 
one  of  our  people  and  send  him  back  to  us  to 
speak  for  them  ? 

18.  And  others    answered,   he  hath  bought 
this  office   of  the  Dimmichrats  with    a  price. 
For  he  hath  gathered  together  much  gold  and 
silver  in  his  money-changing,  and  he  coveted 
honor;    and   he  had   such  honor    as  may   be 
bought. 

19.  Now,  when   he  came  into  the   land  of 
Jonbool,  there  met  him  other  money-changers, 
rich  men,  whose  servant  he  had  been,  and  who 
had  sent  him  into  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  to 
write  them  letters   from  that  land,  with  news 
that    they  might    get   gain    thereby  in    their 
money-changing.     And  they  also  were  of  the 
circumcision. 

20.  And  when  they  met  him  they  looked 
upon  him  in  silence,  and  Augustus  saw  that 
they  were  wroth  with  him. 

21.  Then  one  of  them  whose  name  was  Na 
than  opened  his  mouth  and  said  unto  Augustus, 
How  is  it  that  thou  hast  not  written  the  truth 
unto  us  in  thy  letters?     For  day  by  day  these 
three  years  hast  thou  assured  us  that  the  Phi- 
retahs  would  prevail,  that  the  land  of  Uncul 
psalm  would  be  divided  in  twain,  and  that  Jeph 
the  Repudiator  would  be  ruler  over  one  half 
thereof. 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  299 

22.  Wherefore,  believing  thee  our  servant  in 
what  thou  sentestunto  us  in  thy  letters,  we  have 
gone  astray  in  our  money-changing ;  and  thou 
hast  not  only  lost  us  much  money  that  we  had, 
but  hindered  us  of  much  money  that  we  might 
have  gained.     Tell  us  now  wherefore  thou  hast 
done  this  evil  against  us,  even  against  us  whose 
servant  thou  wast,  and  who  lifted  thee  up  and 
sent  thee  over  into  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  ?     It 
seemeth  to  us  that  thou  art  not  cunning  to  be  a 
money-changer,  or  that  the  truth  is  not  in  thee. 

23.  And  Augustus  stood  before  them  dumb, 
and  answered  not  a  word.     And  after  these 
things  men  heard  of  him  no  more. 


3OO  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

I.  The  Phainyuns.  3.  Oulda irin.  7.  Nohl,  a  great  captain 
of  the  blood  of  the  langkies.  9.  Stayeth  the  Schyndees 
in  Ouldairin.  II.  The  Pahdees  conspire  in  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm.  14.  Their  Hid-Sintur.  18.  Their  Sinnit. 
20.  The  Phainyuns  declare  hoiv  it  is  that  they  govern 
Ireland.  21.  A  schism  among  the  Phainyuns.  27.  The 
three  governments  of  Ouldairin.  30.  The  end  of  the 
Phainyuns. 

AND  about  those  days  there  arose  certain 
men,  Pahdees,  calling  themselves  Phain 
yuns,  who  conspired  together  to  wrest  the  isle 
of  Ouldairin  from  the  Queen  of  the  land  of 
Jonbool. 

^  2.  Now  it  was  from  the  isle  of  Ouldairin  that 
the  Pahdees  came  into  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 
And  they  professed  great  love  unto  that  isle, 
insomuch  that  they  oftentimes  gathered  them 
selves  together  and  poured  out  drink-offerings 
in  honor  of  Ouldairin,  and  put  on  green  aprons 
and  green  apparel  upon  their  shoulders,  and 
put  green  branches  in  their  caps,  and  walked 
about  the  streets  carrying  green  banners. 

3.  (For  Ouldairin  was  also  called  the  green 
isle,  and  they  that  came  from  it  into  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm  were  called  Green-auns) . 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  301 

4.  And  every  man  when  he  wished  them  to 
give  their  voices  that  he  should  be  made  a 
judge  or  an  officer,  must  needs  praise  not  the 
land  of  Unculpsalm  and   the   langkies,  who 
framed  the  government  and  the  laws  thereof, 
but  the  isle  of  Ouldairin,  and  the  Pahdees  who 
from  the  beginning  neither  established  govern 
ment  in  their  own  land  nor  administered  laws 
anywhere,  except  in  the  city  of  Gotham. 

5.  Yet,  although  the  Pahdees  came  from  that 
land  because  they  were  poor,  and  many  of  them 
became  rich  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  it  was 
never  known  of  any  man  that  a  Pahdee  returned 
with  his  riches  to  the  isle  of  Ouldairin,  that  he 
professed  so  much  love  unto,  neither  he  nor  his 
children. 

6.  But  although  the  Pahdees  never  had  es 
tablished  government  or  administered  laws  in 
Ouldairin,  they  diligently  sought  instead  there 
of  to  have  schyndees  therein,  first  with  the  men 
who  sought  to  establish  a  government  for  them, 
but  if  not  with  them  then  with  each  other. 

7.  And  the  schyndees  were  great  schyndees, 
and  went  on  without  ceasing  from  one  end  of 
the  island  even  unto  the  other,  until  there  arose 
one  whose  name  was  Nohl,  who  was  a  man 
after  the  heart  of  the  langkies. 

8.  And  he  was  of  their  blood  and  of  their 
kind,  and  in  very  deed  he  was  a  langkie,  and 

VER.  6.  See  Book  I.  Chap.  ii.  v.  3. 


3O2  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF  PEACE. 

he  ruled  the  langkies  and  the  land  whence  the 
langkies  had  come.  For  this  was  before  that 
land  came  under  the  dominion  of  the  evil  spirit 
Jonbool,  and  its  people  ceased  to  be  like  the 
langkies  and  became  Jonboolish ;  which  came 
to  pass  about  four  generations  after  the  fathers 
of  the  langkies  went  out  of  that  land. 

9.  And  Nohl  was  a  great  captain  before  the 
Lord.     And  he  went  over  to  Ouldairin,  and  he 
fell  upon  the  Pahdees  who  had  been  making 
schyndees  with  his  officers  and  each  other,  and 
he  smote  them  hip  and  thigh,  and  put  every 
man  of  them  to  the  sword.     And  he  swept  that 
land  even  as  a  woman  sweepeth  a  room  to  gar 
nish  it. 

10.  And  after  that  there  were  no  more  schyn 
dees   in   Ouldairin,    save   the   schyndees   that 
every  Pahdee  maketh  with  some  other  Pahdee, 
lest  he  should  pine  away  and  die.     For  if  the 
Pahdees    strove    to    make   a   great    schyndee 
against  the  men  of  Jonbool,  the  king  of  Jon 
bool  sent  officers  with  a  little  army,  and  the 
Pahdees  remembered  Nohl,  and  the  remem 
brance  dissolved  their  knees  and  wrought  con 
fusion  in  their  counsels. 

1 1 .  But  now  the  Pahdees  in  the  land  of  Un- 
culpsalm  said  one  to  another,  Are  we  not  in 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  where  the  power  of 
Jonbool  cannot  touch  us,  or  the  officers  thereof 
follow   us?    and  we    are    many   and   receive 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     303 

money ;    let  us  therefore  conspire  to  make  a 
great  schyndee  in  the  isle  of  Ouldairin. 

12.  And  they  gathered  themselves  together, 
and  they  took  a  large  upper  room,  and  they 
placed  men  at  the  outside  of  the  outer  door, 
clad  in  raiment  of  green  and  gold,  and  having 
drawn  swords  in  their  hands. 

13.  For  they  said,  How  shall  men  know  that 
we   are  conspiring  secretly,   unless  we  set  a 
guard  over  ourselves? 

14.  And  they  chose  a  chief  man  to  rule  them, 
and  they  called  him  the  Hid-Sinter,  which  be 
ing  interpreted,  is  the  top-middle ;   for  in  the 
tongue  of  the  Pahdees  hid  is  top,  and  sinter  is 
middle. 

15.  For  they  said,  How  shall  men  know  of 
him  what  he  is  unless  we  call  him  the  Hid- 
Sinter?     For  how  can  they  know  that  he  is  not 
in  the  middle  unless  we  call  him  the  hid,  and 
how  can  they  know  that  he  is  not  at  the  top 
unless  we  call  him  the  sinter  f 

16.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  after  many  days 
the  Hid-Sinter  sent  out  tax-gatherers,  and  they 
went  among  the  Pahdees  and  chiefly  among 
the  Bihdees  throughout  the  city  of  Gotham  and 
the  other  cities  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  ;  and 
they  gathered  tribute  of  the  Pahdees  and  the 
Bihdees ;  and  the  sum  thereof  was  great,  even 
hundreds  of  thousands  of  pieces  of  silver. 

17.  Then  the  Hid-Sinter  and  his  chief  offi- 


304  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

cers  took  unto  themselves  a  house  great  and  spa 
cious  in  the  city  of  Gotham,  and  they  adorned 
it  with  gold  work,  and  with  carver's  work,  and 
with  hangings  of  many  colors,  and  fared  sump 
tuously  therein,  and  poured  out  drink-offerings 
night  and  day  unto  the  isle  of  Ouldairin. 

18.  And  they  set  up  a  government  therein, 
which  they  called  the  government  of  Ouldairin, 
and  choose  unto  themselves  certain  lawgivers, 
which  they  called  the  Sinnit. 

19.  And  when  men  asked  of  them,  How  is 
it  that  this  is  the  government  of  Ouldairin,  see 
ing    that   Ouldairin   is   three    thousand    miles 
away,  and  is  ruled  by  the  Queen  and  the  law 
givers  of  the  land  of  Jonbool  ?  that  the  Phain- 
yuns  answered  and  said  : 

20.  Is  not  this  man  the  Hid-Sinter?  and  are 
not  these  men  the  Sinnit  ?  and  do  not  these  other 
men  guard  the  door  in  garments  of  green  and 
gold  with  drawn  swords  that  men  may  know 
that  we  are  conspiring  secretly  ?     And  the  laws 
that  the  Sinnit  makes  and  the  Hid-Sinter  signs 
with  his  name,  are  they  not  declared  to  be  the 
laws  of  the  isle  of  Ouldairin?    and  can   the 
Queen  of  Jonbool  prevent  this  or  pass  the  men 
who  guard  the  door  with  drawn  swords  and  ar 
rayed  in  garments  of  green  and  gold?     How, 
therefore,  is  it  not  the  government  of  Ould 
airin  ? 

21.  Now  it  came  to  pass  that  when  certain 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     305 

of  the  Pahdees,  Phainyuns,  saw  that  the  Hid- 
Sinter  and  his  chief  officers  lived  in  a  great 
house,  and  fared  sumptuously  every  day,  and 
poured  out  drink-offerings  unto  Ouldairin  night 
and  morning,  and  lived  as  if  all  their  kinsfolk 
and  acquaintance  were  dying  day  by  day,  and 
that  there  was  a  ouaic  without  end, 

22.  That  their  souls  were  moved  with  envy, 
and  they  said  each  within  his  own  heart,  Why 
should  I  not  live  in  a  great  house  and  fare 
sumptuously  and  pour  out  drink-offerings  unto 
Ouldairin,  and  have  a  ouaic  without  end? 

23.  But  unto  each  other  and  unto  the  world 
they  said,  Behold  the  Hid-Sinter  and  his  offi 
cers  do  not  govern  Ouldairin  righteously,  and 
they  waste  the  substance  of  the  people. 

24.  Let  us  therefore  declare  their  govern 
ment  to  be  at  an  end,  and  let  us  set  up  a  new 
government,  with  a  new  Hid-Sinter  and  a  new 
Sinnit,  even  ourselves.     And  they  did  so. 

25.  And  they  declared   that  the  first  Hid- 
Sinter  was  no  longer  Hid-Sinter,  but  that  their 
Hid-Sinter  was  the  real  Hid-Sinter,  and  was 
not  only  at  the  top  and  at  the  middle  but  at  the 
bottom  and  at  both  sides  at  the  same  time  ;  and 
moreover  they  especially  declared  that  tribute- 
money  should  no  more  be  paid  to  the  first  Hid- 
Sinter  and  his  officers,  but  unto  theirs. 

26.  But  the  first  Hid-Sinter  and  his  officers 
would  not  be  set  at  naught,  neither  would  they 

26* 


306  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

cease  receiving  tribute-money ;  but  they  de 
clared  that  the  second  Hid-Sinter  and  his  offi 
cers  themselves  were  naught. 

27.  And  so  it  came  to  pass  that  there  were 
three  governments  for  the  isle  of  Ouldairin ; 
one  in  the  land  of  Jonbool  and  two  in  the  city 
of  Gotham  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  that 
neither  of  these  governments  could  do  ought  to 
hinder  the  other. 

28.  But  when  the  Phainyuns  gathered  unto 
themselves  men,  Pahdees,  in  the  island  of  Ould 
airin,  who  went  about  there  in  the  night-time 
with  swords  and  with  spears  and  with  staves, 

29.  The  governors  sent  there  by  the  Queen 
of  Jonbool  took  these  men  and  cast  some  of 
them  into  prison,  and  banished  others  into  a  far 
country.     And  the  great  council  of  the  land  of 
Jonbool  made  a  law  by  which  the  governors 
of  Ouldairin  might  take  any  man  and  cast  him 
into  prison  and  keep  him  there  without  trial ; 
and  they  did  so  with  many  men. 

30.  And  so  the  end  of  the  Phainyuns  was 
that  they  brought  it  to  pass,  that  every  Pahdee 

VER.  26.  They  'would  not  cease  receiving  tribute-money. 
Note  how  these  poor  benighted  Phainjuns  clung  to  their 
filthy  lucre ;  craving  tithes  and  taxes,  and  seeking  to  put 
their  patriotism  out  to  profit.  How  blest  are  we  and  other 
countries  upon  whom  has  dawned  the  sun  of  enlighten 
ment  and  Christianity,  and  who,  therefore,  neither  among 
our  priesthood  nor  our  politicians  find  any  of  this  self- 
seeking  I 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     307 

in  the  isle  of  Ouldairin  might  be  cast  into  prison 
and  kept  there  without  a  trial.  And  therefore 
do  the  Phainyuns  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm 
believe  that  Ouldairin  is  governed  by  their  Hid- 
Sinter  and  their  Sinnit  unto  this  day. 


3O8  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  X. 

I.  Certain  men  of  Jonbool  lend  money  unto  the  Phiretahs. 
3.  And  ask  it  again.  4.  The  answer  of  the  Phiretah 
ambassador.  6.  The  men  of  Jonbool  bellow.  8.  But 
ask  their  money  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm.  10.  The 
ambassador  of  the  government  of  Unculpsalm  asketh 
payment  for  certain  ships.  12.  The  ans-wer  of  the  rulers 
of  Jonbool.  14.  Zoord  proposeth  that  judges  be  ap 
pointed.  17.  Saying  of  the  men  of  Unculpsalm. 

AND  about  these  days  certain  men  of  the 
land  of  Jonbool,  friends  of  the  Phiretahs, 
to  whom  they  had  lent  money,  hoping  that  they 
would  receive  the  same  with  usury, 

2.  (As  it  is  written  in  the  first  book  of  this 
gospel,  thus  shall  we  be  avenged,  and  turn  also 
every  man  an  honest  penny,) 

3.  Seeing  that  Robbutleeh  had  laid  down  his 
arms,  and  that  Jeph  the  Repudiator  was  cast 
into  prison,  went  to  the  ambassador  of  the  Phi 
retahs  in  the  land  of  Jonbool,  saying,  Pay  us 
that  thou  owest. 

4.  To  whom  the  ambassador  answering  said, 
I  owe  you  nothing.     For  it  was  not  unto  me 
that  ye  lent  the  money,  but  unto  the  ambassa 
dor  of  the  ruler  of  the  Phiretahs.    Behold,  now, 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     309 

there  is  no  longer  a  ruler  of  the  Phiretahs,  nei 
ther  are  there  Phiretahs  any  more  in  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm,  and  so  therefore  am  I  no  longer 
an  ambassador ;  for  no  man  can  be  an  ambas 
sador  when  there  is  none  to  send. 

5.  Go  now,  therefore,  and  find  your  debtor, 
for  I  am  not  he  ;  and  when  ye  have  found  him, 
ye  shall  receive  your  own  with  usury ;  and  so, 
although  ye  be  not  avenged,  ye  shall  turn  every 
man  his  honest  penny. 

6.  Then  these  men  of  Jonbool  gathered  them 
selves  together  and  looked  in  each  other's  faces 
in  amazement  and  perplexity;   for  they  said, 
We  cannot  find  our  debtor,  for  he  has  vanished 
from  the  face  of  the  earth.     And  they  began  to 
bellow  forth  their  grievance ;  for  there  is  noth 
ing  that  grieveth  the  men  of  Jonbool  so  sore  as 
not  to  receive  their  own  with  usury ;  and  the 
noise  of  their  bellowings  was  heard  throughout 
the  land  and  upon  the  sea,  even  the  bellowing 
as  of  the  bulls  of  Bashan. 

7.  And  after  they  had  bellowed  for  a  time,  a 
certain  man  rose  in  their  assembly,  and  said, 
Behold,  now,  there  is  no  longer  any  ruler  of  the 
Phiretahs,  neither  any  nation  of  Phiretahs  to 
pay  us  our  money  which  we  lent  to  destroy  the 
government  of  Unculpsalm ;  but  the  rulers  of 
Unculpsalm  have  driven  out  the  rulers  of  the 
Phiretahs   and  rule  the  whole  land  of  Uncul 
psalm  as  aforetime. 


3IO  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

8.  Let  therefore  the  government  of  Uncul- 
psalm   and   the   people  thereof  which  inhabit 
the  country  of  the  Phiretahs  pay  us  the  money 
that  we    lent   that  the  government  of  Uncul- 
psalm  might  be  destroyed,  as  it  is  meet  and 
right  for  them  to  do.     For  whatever  may  be 
destroyed,  there  always  remaineth  some   man 
or  some   thing  to  whom   it  belongeth  to  pay 
every  man  of  Jonbool  his  own  with  usury. 

9.  And   the    saying   pleased  the  assembly; 
and  they  all  cried  out    Eer-eer    and   Oor-ae, 
which,  in  the  tongue  of  the  Hittites  and  Ham- 
merities  of  Gotham,  is  Hi  hi  and  Bulhephur- 
ewe. 

10.  But  when   the   ambassador   of  Andrew 
said   to   the  rulers    of  the    land    of  Jonbool, 
Behold,    now,    the    ships    of  war  which    the 
shipmen  of  Jonbool  builded  for  the  Phiretahs, 
and  which  went  forth  from  you  without  let  or 
hindrance  to  burn  the  ships  of  our  merchants 
upon  the  seas,  did  great  damage  to  us  and  to 
our  people  with  whom  the  men  of  Jonbool  are 
not  at  war,  but  to  whom  the  rulers  of  Jonbool 
profess  friendship. 

11.  Pay   us  therefore   for   the   ships  which 
have  been  burned,  because  ye  did  not  let  or 
hinder  your  shipmen  in  building  ships  for  the 
Phiretahs,    or   the   Phiretahs  in   taking   them 
from  your  havens,  but  winked  at  their  doings. 

12.  The    rulers    of    the    land    of  Jonbool 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF    PEACE.  3! I 

answered  and  said,  Go  to,  we  will  not  pay, 
neither  is  it  unto  us  that  ye  are  to  charge  your 
losses.  Look  ye  yourselves  after  the  ships  of 
your  merchants.  It  becometh  not  the  rulers 
of  the  great  land  of  Jonbool  to  let  or  hinder  any 
man  of  Jonbool  in  turning  an  honest  penny 
whosoever  may  suffer  by  reason  thereof.  The 
laws  of  the  great  land  of  Jonbool  are  as  the 
laws  of  the  Medes  and  Persians  and  alter  not, 
except  when  it  is  to  our  profit  to  alter  them, 
nor  can  we  change  them  only  to  hinder  our 
shipmen  from  building  ships  to  destroy  the 
government  of  Unculpsalm. 

13.  Then    the    ambassador   of  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  took  counsel   with  Bilhe,  whose 
surname  was  Zoord,  and  said  unto   the  rulers 
of  Jonbool : 

14.  Behold,  now,  we  are  at  issue  in  this  mat 
ter.     If  ye  will  not  pay  for  the  ships  which  the 
ships  of  war  that  were  builded  in  your  eyes 
and  which  have  come    out  before  your  faces 
have  destroyed,  let  there  be  a  judge  appointed 
to  pronounce  judgment  between  us,  according 
unto  the  testimony ;  and  let  the  judge  be  one 
who  is  held  in  honor  in  the  land  of  Jonbool  and 
in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

15.  But    the  rulers  of  the   land  of  Jonbool 
answered    and    said,    We   will    neither    pay, 
nor  shall  there  be  a  judge  appointed  between 
us. 


312  THE    NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

16.  This  did   they  after  the  manner  of  the 
rulers  of  the  land  of  Jonbool ;  and  the  men  of 
Jonbool  after  tneir  manner  cried  Eer-eer  and 
Oor-ae. 

17.  Then  said  the  men  of  Unculpsalm  one  to 
another,  Content ;  we  can  wait  and  see  what 
time  will  bring  forth  out  of  this  matter.     This 
example  may  be  worth  more  unto  us  than  pay 
ment. 

18.  And  when  the  Phainyuns  in  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm  arose,  the  hearts  of  the  merchants 
of  Jonbool   quaked  and  their   knees  knocked 
together;    for  they   looked  that    the    men   of 
Unculpsalm    should   help  and   encourage  the 
Phainyuns.     And  their   scribes   wrote   in  the 
books  which  they  published  day  by  day  unto 
the  people,  that  this  thing  should  be.    But  such 
was  not  the  manner    of  the  langkies,  which 
now  ruled  in  the  land  of  Unculpsalm. 

19.  For  it  came  to  pass,  at  the  end  of  the 
first  year  after  the  rebellion  of  the  Phiretahs 
was  brought  to  naught,  that  certain  men  of  the 
Phainyuns, 

20.  Moved  by  the  cries  of  the  Pahdees  and 
chiefly  of  the   Bihdees,  which  said,  We  have 
given    unto   you    of   our    money,    and    what 
have  ye  done  therefor  ?    Ye  have  fared  sump 
tuously,   and    poured  out  drink-offerings  unto 
Ouldairin,  and  lived  as  if  there  had  been  a 
ouaic  without  end,  and  have  had  men  stand- 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     313 

ing  at  your  doors  clad  in  green  and  gold  and 
with  drawn  swords  in  their  hands, 

21.  But  ye  have  made  no  schyndee,  neither 
brake  ye  the  head  of  any  man,  or  had  ye  any 
one  of  you  his  own  head  broken,  nor  did  ye 
minister  occasion  unto  us  for  a  single  ouaic. 
Give  us  back  therefore  our  money,  for  we  have 
received  nothing  therefor, 

22.  Went  over  into  the  land  of  the  Kahnux, 
near  the  place  of  the  Falling-Waters,  and  began 
to  make  a  schyndee  there  in  the  name  of  Ould- 
airin.     And    they   brake    the    heads    of   the 
Kahnux,  which  bled  before  them. 

23.  Then  did  the  Phainyuns  which  were  in 
the  land  of  Unculpsalm  begin  to  flock  north 
ward  that  they  might  cross  over  and  join  their 
fellows. 

24.  But  Andrew   sent   out    a   proclamation 
against   them,   and    commanded    George    the 
Mede  that  he  should  take  soldiers  and  turn  the 
Phainyuns  back  from  the   borders,  and  take 
prisoners  them  which  would  go  over  or  which 
had  gone  over  and  essayed  to  come  back. 

25.  Also  the  soldiers  of  Jonbool  which  were 
in  the  land  of  the  Kahnux  came  down  upon  the 
Phainyuns  so  that  they  fled  and  were  dispersed, 
and  their  schyndee  came  to  naught. 

26.  Then  were  the  men  of  Jonbool  and  the 
rulers  thereof  amazed  that  the  langkies  should 
be  just  to    their   ill-wishers    and    offend   the 

27 


314  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

Pahdees.  For  the  rulers  of  that  land  turn 
neither  to  the  right  nor  to  the  wrong,  but  go 
which  way  leadeth  to  their  profit;  and  so 
they  look  that  the  rulers  of  other  lands  shall 
do.  And  for  a  long  time  they  marvelled  and 
were  astonished  at  these  doings  of  Andrew 
whose  surname  was  Jon-sing  and  of  the 
langkies. 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF  PEACE.  31$ 


CHAPTER  XL 

I  The  end  of  the  Dimmichrats  dratveth  nigh.  4.  The 
building  of  the  scaffolds.  8.  The  Dimmichrats  in  the 
Province  of  Gotham  have  no  scaffold,  n.  They  take 
counsel  of  a  Durrektah.  13.  And  steal  a  scaffold  from 
the  Eunyunmen.  16.  The  Eunyunmen  are  dismayed. 
19.  But  they  build  another  scaffold.  21.  The  Niggahs 
are  set  free  by  the  Great  Covenant. 

NOW  after  Andrew,  whose  surname  was 
Jon-sing,  had  governed  the  land  about 
six  months,  men  began  to  see  that  the  days  of 
the  sect  of  the  Dimmichrats  were  numbered. 

2.  For  about  that  time  the  rulers  of  many  of 
the  provinces  of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  were 
to  be  chosen.     And  the  sect  of  the  Dimmi 
chrats  set  up  their  men  to  be  chosen,  and  the 
sect  of  the  Eunyunmen  set  up  theirs. 

3.  Now,  they  who  had  held  up  the  hands  of 
Abraham  and  his  councillors  throughout  the 
war  against  the  Phiretahs,  without  regard  to 
their  own  sect  or   faction,   called   themselves 
Eunyunmen ;    and  chief  of  these  Eunyunmen 
was  Andrew,   whose  surname  was  Jon-sing, 
whom  the  death  of  Abraham  had  made  chief 
ruler.     For  he  had  been  a  chief  man  among 


316  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

the  Dimmichrats  for  many  years,  and  had 
given  his  voice  against  Abraham  the  first  time 
that  he  was  chosen  ;  yet  was  he  among  the  first 
and  the  strongest  of  those  that  held  up  the 
hands  of  Abraham  and  his  councillors  against 
the  Phiretahs. 

4.  Now  it  was  the  custom  in  the  land  of  Un- 
culpsalm  when  any  man  would  be  chosen  ruler, 
either  chief  ruler  over  all  the  land  or  ruler  over 
a  province,  for  his  friends  and  they  of  the  sect 
who  would  have  him  chosen,  to  build  a  scaffold, 
and  set  him  up  on  high  thereon  for  many  days 
before  the  people. 

5 .  And  the  people  gave  much  thought  to  the 
making  of  these  scaffolds,  and  the  planks  and 
the  fashioning  thereof  had  meaning  in  their 
eyes.     And  when  a  man   was   set  up  to   be 
chosen  ruler,  they  walked  about  the  scaffold 
whereon  he  was  lifted  up,  and  examined  it  with 
care,  and  saw  of  what  it  was  builded,  and  how 
it  was  fashioned,  and  chiefly  whether  it  was  a 
scaffold  which  would  seem  good  in  the  eyes  of 
others ;  so  that  when  a  man  was  set  up  to  be 
chosen,  they  asked  one  of  another,  not  whether 

VER.  5.  Note  the  extreme  folly  of  these  men  of  Uncul- 
psalm,  in  concerning  themselves  less  whether  a  man  was 
wise  and  just  and  a  lover  of  his  country,  than  upon  what 
sort  of  a  scaffold  he  stood  to  gain  their  voices.  An  unmis 
takable  mark,  this,  of  the  primitive  period  at  which  this 
book  was  written,  and  of  the  rude  and  semi-barbarous  con 
dition  of  the  people  to  whom  it  refers. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  317 

he  was  wise  and  just,  and  a  lover  of  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm,  but,  what  was  his  scaffold. 

6.  And  these  scaffolds  were  preserved  from 
the  choosing  of  one  ruler  unto  the  choosing  of 
another ;    and    therefore    they   were    held    in 
honor.     But  sometimes  a  scaffold  waxed  old; 
and  because  it  was  decayed  and  weak,  it  broke 
down  under  him  that  was  lifted  upon  it,  and 
he  fell  amid  the  ruins  thereof  among  the  peo 
ple  ;  and  being  laughed  to  scorn,  he  was  not 
chosen. 

7.  And  to  prevent  this  calamity,  the  old  parts 
of  the  platforms  and  parts  that  no  longer  found 
favor  in  the  eyes  of  the  people  were  taken  out 
and  new  planks  put  in  the  places  thereof,  so 
that  at  last  the  substance  of  the  scaffold  was 
entirely  changed,  and  yet  was  it  called  by  the 
same  name. 

8.  And  it  came  to  pass  that  when  the  time 
drew  nigh  to  build  the  scaffolds,  the  chief  men 
of  the  Dimmichrats  in  the  province  of  Gotham, 
seeing  that  the  scaffolds  whereon  the  men  of 
their  faction  had  been  lifted  up  in  other  prov 
inces  were  looked  upon  askance  by  the  people, 
although  much  of  the  old,  which  seemed  goodly 

VER.  7.  The  scaffold  'was  entirely  changed,  and  yet  it  was 
called  by  the  same  name.  Surely  there  was  nothing  like 
this  ever  heard  of  in  this  country,  except  the  famous  jack- 
knife,  which  had  had  three  new  blades  and  two  new  handles 
and  was  nevertheless  the  same  old  jack-knife. 
27* 


3l8  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

in  their  eyes  in  the  days  when  they  looked 
upon  it  lying  upon  their  bellies  as  they  com 
promised  themselves  before  the  Phiretahs,  had 
been  taken  away,  and  parts  of  new  fashion  put 
in  place  thereof, 

9.  Gathered  themselves  together  before  the 
Eunyunmen  came  together  in  counsel,  and  took 
counsel  one  with  another,  and  said, 

10.  What  shall  we  do  for  a  scaffold  on  which 
our  man  may  be  lifted  up,  and  which  will  seem 
goodly  in  the  eyes  of  the  people,  now  that  they 
are  standing  up  before  the  Lord  like  men,  even 
as  our  old  scaffolds  seemed  when  we  looked 
upon  them  lying  on  our  bellies  before  the  Phi 
retahs?     For  the  people  are  possessed  of  the 
evil  spirit  Bak  Bohn,  and  they  will  have  none 
of  those  things.     And  they  were  at  their  wits' 
end;    for  they  could  not  find  wherewithal  of 
their  own  to  make  a  new  scaffold  that  would 
please  the  people. 

n.  But  a  certain  man  among  them,  a  man 
of  craft  and  subtlety,  which  also  was  a  Durrek- 
tah,  and  gathered  his  gold  upon  the  roadway 
which  leadeth  unto  the  city  of  the  Bisons,  as 
thou  goest  unto  the  land  of  the  Kahnux  by  the 
place  of  the  Falling  Waters,  and  the  roadway  is 
called  Gothamsentrul,  opened  his  lips  in  the  as 
sembly  and  said, 

12.  Why  should  we  take  thought  and  trouble 
about  building  a  scaffold  on  which  to  set  our 
man,  when  there  is  one  builded  already? 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     319 

13.  And    they   asked    him,    what   meanest 
thou?    and  where  is  this  scaffold?     And   he 
answered  and  said,  Even  the  scaffold  of  the 
Eunyunmen,  which  is  ready  to  our  hand.     Let 
us  take  it  and  set  our  man  thereon,  and  the 
Dimmichrats  shall  say,  Behold  it  is  our  man, 
and  the  Eunyunmen  shall  say,  Lo,  is  it  not  our 
scaffold?  and  we  shall  have  all  their  voices. 

14.  And  the  saying  pleased  the  assembly. 
And  they  did  according  unto  the  saying,  and 
went  secretly  and  stole  the  scaffold  of  the  Eun 
yunmen  and  set  up  their  man  upon  it. 

15.  And  all  the  people  marvelled  at  the  craft 
and  the  subtlety  of  the  Durrektah,  which  did 
his  robbing  upon  the  road  called  Gothamsent- 
rul  which  leadeth  unto  the  city  of  the  Bisons. 

1 6.  Now,  when  the  Eunyunmen  saw  what 
had  been  done,  they  were  astonished,  and  knew 
not  what  to  do.     And  their  chief  men  assem 
bled  themselves   together  in  sore  perplexity, 
saying, 

17.  Woe  are  we  ;  for  our  scaffold  is  not  only 
taken  from  us,  but  it  is  used  by  the  Dimmi 
chrats,  who  set  it  up  as  their  scaffold,  and  we 
cannot  get  it  of  them  by  suing  them  at  the  law ; 
and  if  we  make  one  like  unto  it,  men  will  say 
that  we  have  stolen  the  scaffold  of  the  Dimmi 
chrats  ;  for  they  were  before  us  in  this  matter. 
And  the  Eunyunmen  were  at  their  wits'  end  for 
a  scaffold,  so  that  some  of  them  said,  Let  us 


32O  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

give  our  voices  for  the  Dimmichrats,  because 
they  stand  upon  our  scaffold. 

18.  But  a  certain  man  among  them   arose 
and  said,  Why  are  ye  thus  cast  down,  and  why 
do  ye  talk  thus  foolishly  together?    Let  us  build 
another  scaffold  of  our  own  like  unto  that  which 
the  Dimmichrats  have  stolen  from  us ;  and  let 
us  set  up  our  men  upon  it,  and  it  shall  come  to 
pass  that  when  the  people  see  that  both  the 
scaffolds  are  the  same,  then  they  shall  do  what 
they  have  not  done   aforetime,  and  they  will 
look  at  the  men  instead  of  the  scaffold,  and  see 
who  they  are  and  what  they  have  been. 

19.  And  it  shall  be  that  when  they  find  one 
man  is  a  Eunyunman,  and  that  both  stand  upon 
the  same  scaffold  and  preach  from  the  same 
pulpit,  that  only  those  will  give  their  voices  for 
the  other  which  are  Dimmichrats,  caring  more 
for  their  faction  than  for  the  government  of 
Unculpsalm. 

20.  And  though  they  still  doubted  and  were 
sad  at  heart,  the  Eunyunmen  did  as  this  man 
had  counselled.     And  it  was  as  he  had  fore 
told.     For  the  people  said,   These  men  pro 
phesy  in  the  same  words  and  stand  on  scaffolds 
which  are  like  one  to  the  other;   but  one  of 
them  is  the  friend  of  James  who  faced  both 
ways,  and  of  Phernandiwud,  and  of  Horatio, 
who  is  called  Seemer.     Let  us  therefore  give 
our  voices  for  the  other  who  is  not  of  the  syna 
gogue  of  Satan. 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     32! 

21.  So  the  Eunyunmen  were  chosen  in  the 
province  of  Gotham  as  well  as  in  the  other 
provinces ;  and  the  voices  for  the  Eunyunmen 
were  as  the  voices  of  a  great  multitude,  like 
unto  the  waves  of  the  sea  for  numbers. 

22.  Moreover,  about  those  days  a  new  sen 
tence,  even  a  great  decree,  was  added  to  the 
Great  Covenant;   and  this  new  sentence  and 
decree  set  the  Niggahs  free  in  all  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm,  and  in  every  province  thereof  for 
ever. 

23.  And  even  the  Phiretahs  in  their  prov 
inces  consented  unto  this  sentence. 

24.  And  the  people  rejoiced  greatly;    and 
there  went  up  a  great  shout  from  all  the  land 
that  there  was  no  more  any  everlasting  Nig- 
gah.     And  men's  hearts  were  glad ;   for  they 
were  weary  of  the   everlasting  Niggah,   and 
their  souls  sickened  when  they  thought  of  the 
blood  and  the  treasure  that  he  had  cost  them, 
and  they  thought  in  their  joy  that  they  should 
hear  no  more  of  him. 


322  THE    NEW   GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

Choosing  of  a  Chief  ruler  for  Gotham.  3.  The  man  set 
up  by  Phernanditvud  is  not  chosen.  5.  The  Phyarmen 
cease  from  off  the  land.  8.  And  Phernandi-wud  joineth 
himself  unto  the  Phainyuns.  n.  His  oration  unto  them. 
J5-  Jee  Ephtrane.  17.  And  his  oration.  19.  And  his 
counsel.  21.  The  Bihdees.  22.  Will  not  look  like  Aphrite 
and  Adkoivdee. 

AND  again,  about  these  days,  the  time  came 
when  there  should  be  a  chief  ruler  chosen 
for  the  city  of  Gotham. 

2.  And  four  men  were  set  up  :  but  Phernan- 
diwud  did  not  set  himself  up.     Yet  did  he  set 
up  one  of  the  four ;  and  the  men  of  Tahmunee 
which  were  Dimmichrats,  but  which  had  held 
up  the  hands  of  Abraham,  set  up  one  also,  and 
the  Eunyunmen  set  up  another. 

3.  And  he  that  was  set  up  by  the  men  of 
Tahmunee  was  chosen ;  but  he  that  was  set  up 
by  the  Eunyunmen  was  nearly  chosen  ;  and  he 
that  Phernandiwud  set  up  had  so  few  voices 
that  men  laughed  him  to  scorn. 

4.  Likewise    also    the    sect    of    Phyarmen 
disappeared ;  for  the  lawgivers  of  the  province 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     323 

of  Gotham    declared    that    there   should   no 
longer  be  any  Phyarmen. 

5.  And  when  Phernandiwud  saw  all  these 
things,  that  the  men  set   up   for   rulers   were 
rejected  only  because  they  were  Dimmichrats, 
and  that  the  man  of  his   naming   was  set   at 
naught  in  the  choosing  of  chief  ruler  for  the 
city  of  Gotham,    and  that  there  was  neither 
any  more  everlasting   Niggah   or   any   more 
Phyarmen,  he  perceived  that  the  foundations 
of  the  world  were  shaken  and  that  the   end  of 
the  sect  of  the  Dimmichrats  was  nigh. 

6.  Then  he  said  within  himself,  What  shall 
I  do?     And  like  Pshawdee  when  he  doubted 
whether  he  should  join  himself  unto  the  Phari 
sees  or  unto  the  Phyarmen,  so  Phernandiwud, 
because  there  were  no  longer  any  Phyarmen, 
doubted  whether  he  should  join  himself  unto 
the  Pharisees  or  unto  the  Phainyuns. 

7.  But  when  he  considered  the  Pharisees, 
and  saw  that   they  received   no  man  among 
them  whose  walk  had  been  found  slantindicu- 
lar,    he  joined  himself  unto   the  Phainyuns. 
For  he  said  within  himself,  Even  although  the 
foundations   of  the   world  be  broken  up,    the 
Pahdees  will   govern  Gotham ;  and  if  I  join 
myself  unto  the   Phainyuns  they  can  at  any 
time  make  me  chief  ruler  over  the  city. 

8.  Now  to  be  chief  ruler  over  the  city  of 
Gotham  no  longer  brought  honor  or  power  to 


324  THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

any  man.  For  the  lawgivers  of  the  province 
had  taken  away  the  power  because  of  Pher- 
nandiwud  and  of  the  Pahdees  ;  and  Phernandi- 
wud  himself  had  taken  away  the  honor.  But 
the  chief  ruler  of  Gotham  made  many  small 
officers  and  had  offerings  of  pursentojobs  made 
unto  him.  Wherefore  although  the  power  and 
the  honor  had  departed,  some  men  sought  to 
be  chief  ruler  over  Gotham,  and  Phernandiwud 
was  among  them. 

9.  And    there    was     an     assembly    of  the 
Phainyuns   at   the  hall  of    Peter   the  Barrel- 
maker,  and  Phernandiwud  went  to  the   assem 
bly,  and  standing  up,  he  said, 

10.  Men,    brethren,     and    Phainyuns,    the 
duties  of  the  upright  men  are  three.     And  the 
first  is,  to  keep  the  commandments.     All  this 
have  I  done  from  my  youth  up. 

1 1 .  And  the  second  is  to  take  care  of  him 
self  and  his  family.     For  is  it  not  written  that 
he  that  provideth  not  for  his  own  house  is  worse 
than  an  infidel?     Wherefore  my  brethren  ye 
know  that  in  this  I  am  better  than  any  infidel, 
and  have  been  from  the  days  when  I  was  part 
ner  with  Marahvine  even  unto  this  day. 

12.  And  the  third  is  that  a  man  should  be 
ready  to  maintain  the  government  of  his  coun- 

VER.  10,  n,  12.  It  has  been  humiliating,  but  necessary, 
and  perhaps  wholesomely  chastening  to  our  pride  and  self- 
conceit  to  point  out,  in  the  course  of  these,  comments,  in- 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  325 

try,  and  to  sacrifice  himself  thereunto.  Now  I 
say  unto  you  that  to  maintain  the  government 
of  the  land  of  Unculpsalm  it  is  needful  that  we 
go  to  war  with  the  men  of  Jonbool  about  the 
island  of  Ouldairin ;  and  for  a  man  to  sacrifice 
himself  to  his  country  he  ought  to  offer  him 
self  up  willingly  to  be  chosen  chief  ruler  of 
Gotham ;  and  this  I  am  willing  to  do,  my 

stances  in  which  the  folly  or  the  wickedness  of  the  people 
of  Unculpsalm  has  a  parallel  in  our  own  time  and  country. 
It  is,  therefore,  comfortable,  though  perhaps  ensnaring,  to 
cite  an  instance  from  our  recent  annals,  which,  in  the  spirit 
of  devotion  to  religious  duty,  and  of  self-sacrifice  to  princi 
ple  which  it  exhibits,  corresponds  remarkably  with  the  shin 
ing  example  in  the  text.  At  a  meeting  of  the  Fenian  Brother 
hood,  in  New  York,  at  the  Cooper  Institute,  February  I2th, 
1866,  Fernando  Wood  spoke,  and  said  :  — 

"There  are  three  duties  imposed  upon  man.  To  his 
God,  which  requires  obedience  and  reverence,  looking  to 
his  welfare  hereafter ;  to  his  family  and  himself,  looking  to 
his  welfare  here  on  earth ;  and  to  his  country,  requiring 
sacrifices  and  endurance  in  the  maintenance  of  its  govern 
ment,  institutions,  and  laws.  ....  This  is  the  duty  of 
the  American  citizen,  and  as  an  American  citizen  am  I  here 
to-night. 

"  I  differ  from  my  friend  who  preceded  me.  He  says  we 
do  not  want  a  war  with  England.  I  say  we  do  want  a  war 
with  England.  [Cheers.]  And  if  I  were  ten  years  younger 
than  I  am,  I  would  be  organizing  Anti-British  clubs  while 
you  are  organizing  Fenian  clubs.  [Great  applause.]  I 
want  all  my  countrymen  to  be  engaged  in  this  war.  [Ap 
plause.]  I  decry  the  doctrine  that  politicians  are  not  to  be 
admitted  to  your  counsels.  I  spit  upon  the  idea  that  our 
government  is  to  keep  aloof  from  this  war.  I  want  it  to 
take  an  active  part  in  it.  [Great  cheering.]  And  I  coun 
sel  acts,  ivant  acts  against  the  British  government." 
28 


326  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

brethren.      Blessed    be   the    Phainyuns,    and 
cursed  be  the  men  of  Jonbool. 

13.  Then  were  the  Pahdees  pleased  with  the 
words  of  Phernandiwud ;    so  that  they  broke 
out  into  shoutings  and  dancings  and  shaking 
of  staves,  which  in  the  language  of  the  Pah- 
dees  are  called  shall-lay-lows ;  and  for  about 
the  space  of  half  an  hour  they  shouted,  Great 
is  Phernandiwud,  and  great  are  the  Pahdees, 
and  worthy  to  be  rulers  in  Gotham,  and  glori 
ous  are  the  Phainyuns  among  the  Pahdees,  and 
worthy  is  Phernandiwud  to  be  a  leader  among 
the  Phainyuns  and  chief  ruler  of  Gotham. 

14.  And  there  was  also  at  this  assembly  one 
named  Jee  Ephtrane,  who  had  sought  to  have  a 
road-way  of  iron  and  to  be  a  Durrektah  in  the 
chief  city  of  the  land  of  Jonbool,  which  was 
called  Lunn  Unn.     And  he  bade  the  scribes  of 
that  city  to  his  house,  and  made  feasts  for  them, 
hoping  that  they  would  persuade  the  people  to 
pay  money  for  his  iron  road-way,  that  he  might 
live  by  it  and  become  a  Durrektah,  and  a  rob 
ber  like  unto  the  Durrektahs   in  the   city  of 
Gotham. 

15.  And  some  of  the  scribes  went  to  his  feasts 
and  drank  his  wine,  but  many  would  not  go ; 
neither  would  the  people  allow  him  to  have  his 
road-way  of  iron.     Wherefore  he  was  wroth 
with  all  the  men  of  Jonbool,  and  chiefly  with 
the  lawgivers,  and  judges  and  officers  thereof, 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  327 

and  he  prophesied  against  them  by  night  and 
by  day. 

1 6.  And  at  the  assembly  of  the  Phainyuns, 
Jee  Ephtrane  took   up   his  parable   and  said, 
Great  is  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  mighty 
and  wise  and  good  are  the  people  of  the  land, 
and  glorious  is  the  banner  of  Unculpsalm  ;  and 
chief  among  the  people  of  Unculpsalm  are  the 
Pahdees,  and  chief  among  the  Pahdees  are  the 
Phainyuns ;  but  greatest  and  mightiest  and  best 
and  most  glorious  and  wisest  is  Jee  Ephtrane. 

17.  Accursed  be  the  rulers  of  the  land  of 
Jonbool,  who  oppress  the  Pahdees  in  Ouldairin, 
and  hinder  them  of  their  schyndees,  and  thrice 
accursed  be  the  men  of  Jonbool  who  would  not 
suffer  Jee  Ephtrane   to  become   a  Durrektah, 
and  live  by  a  road-way  of  iron  in  their  chief 
city,  even  in  Lunn   Unn.     For  greatest   and 
mightiest  and  wisest  and  best  and  most  glori 
ous  is  Jee  Ephtrane,  who,  because  of  the  wick 
edness   of  the  men  of  Jonbool,  in   that   they 
would  not  suffer  him  to  be  a  Durrektah,  is  the 
friend  of  the  Pahdees  and  the  apostle  of  the 
Phainyuns. 

18.  And  Jee  Ephtrane  counselled  the  Phain 
yuns,  saying,  Buy  nothing  that  is  made  by  the 
men  of  Jonbool,  neither  ye  nor  your  wives  nor 
your  daughters ;  and  when  the  merchants  of 
the  land  of  Jonbool  see  that  the  Pahdees  will 
buy  none  of  their  merchandise  neither  in  Ould- 


328  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

airin  nor  in  Ashantee  in  the  land  of  Uncul- 
psalm, 

19.  They  shall  set  the  land  of  Ouldairin  free, 
and  shall  bow  themselves  down  before  the  Pah- 
dees,  and  say  unto  them,  Let  our  lords  buy  of 
their  servants  once  more  raiment  for  themselves 
and  for  their  wives  and  their  daughters,  and  we 
shall  be  their  bounden  servants  and  bondsmen 
forever. 

20.  This  he  said  because  the  men  of  the  land 
of  Jonbool  lived  only  to  trade.     They  rose  early 
and  lay  down  late ;  they  took  counsel  together 
in   their   great   assembly   of  lawgivers ;    their 
scribes  wrote  books ;  they  colonized,  which  in 
the  langkie  tongue  is  annexed ;  they  went  into 
far  countries  and  into  unknown  lands,  and  died 
of  pestilence  and  famine ;  they  made  war  and 
fought  stoutly,  laying  down  their  lives  freely ; 
and  all  this  they  did  that  they  might  entice  or 
compel  people  to  trade  with  them. 

21 .  But  it  came  to  pass  that  when  the  women 
of  the  Pahdees,  even  the  Bihdees,  heard  of  this 
counsel,  they  also,  like  the  langkie  women  of 
Gotham  who  had  assembled  in  the  hall  of  Peter 
the  Barrel-maker,  the  year  before,  to  pledge 
themselves  in  like  manner,  cried  out, 

22.  Behold  ye  would  make  us  look  like  unto 
Aphrite  and  like  unto  Adhowdee.     Think  ye 
that   we    are    more    foolish  than   the    langkie 
women  who  brought  to  naught  the  devices  of 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  329 

the  Fuss-women  to  make  them  look  like  unto 
Aphrite  and  like  unto  Adhowdee?  Shall  we 
see  the  langkie  women  dressed  in  glorious  ap 
parel  from  the  land  of  Jonbool,  while  we  go 
in  common  raiment  made  in  the  land  of  Uncul- 
psalm  ?  No  !  not  for  all  the  island  of  Ould- 
airin. 

23.  So  this  counsel  came  to  naught  like  that 
of  the  Fuss-women,  because  the  Bihdees,  like 
their  mistresses  the  langkie  women,  lived  in 
fear  by  day  and  by  night  of  the  evil  spirits, 
Aphrite  and  Adhowdee. 

24.  Thus  was  it,  and  when  the  days  drew 
nigh  that  the  sect  of  the  Dimmichrats  should 
come  to  an  end,  that  Phernandiwud  and  Jee 
Ephtrane  made  unto  themselves  friends  among 
the  Phainyuns. 

28* 


330  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

I.  The  vision  of  St.  Benjamin.  4.  The  mist  upon  the  land 
of  Unculpsalm.  6.  Men  with  their  heads  looking  back 
wards.  8.  Prince  John  the  son  of  Littulvan.  n.  Men 
filled  with  the  east  wind.  14.  Men  with  jire  hidden  in 
their  bosoms.  17*  Idolaters.  20.  Men  who  seek  oil  out 
of  the  rock.  30.  A  man  who  walked  slantindicularly. 
33.  Robert  of  Jahrji.  39.  The  vision  of  the  beast.  46. 
The  number  of  the  beast  and  the  meaning  of  the  vision. 

THE  vision   of  Benjamin   the   scribe,   the 
brother  of  Phernandiwud,  which  he  saw 
sitting  in  his  house,  nigh  unto  Pughtammug, 
where  he  wrote  the  book  called  Deighlinuze. 

2.  It  was  in  the  fourth  month  of  the  second 
year  in  which  Andrew,  whose  surname  was 
Jon-sing,  was  chief  ruler  over  the  land,  on  a 
day  about  the  sixth  hour  of  the  evening,  after 
I  had  eaten  and  poured  out  drink-offerings  unto 
Tahmunnee,  that  I  saw  a  vision,  falling  into  a 
trance,  yet  having  mine  eyes  open. 

3.  And  I  looked,  and  behold  I  saw  before 
me  all  the  land  of  Unculpsalm,  and  all  the 
people  thereof,  from  Ouaydowneest  even  unto 
Mecsicho,  and  from  the  ocean  on  the  east  even 
unto  the  ocean  on  the  west. 


THE   NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  331 

4.  And  I  saw  that  there  was  a  mist  and  a 
smoke  mingled  together  over  the  land,  so  that 
men  walked  about  as  it  were  in  twilight,  seeing 
things  darkly.    And  the  mist  lay  thickliest  from 
east  to  west  along  the  middle  of  the  land,  so 
that  the  men  of  the  north  could  not  see  the  men 
of  the  south,  and  the  men  of  the  south  could 
not  see  the  men  of  the  north. 

5.  And  there  were  no  more  Phiretahs  in  the 
South ;    and   in   the   North   the   voice   of  the 
Oueecneas  was  not  heard  in  the  land,  and  the 
Kopur-hedd  had  hid  himself  in  holes  and  cor 
ners  ;  but  he  alone  of  the  evil  things  which  the 
war  had  gendered  still  lived,  and  his  venom 
and  his  craft  had  not  departed  from  him. 

6.  And  I  looked  and  saw  certain  men  whose 
heads  grew  upon  their  shoulders  with  their  faces 
looking  backwards,  so  that  when  they  walked 
they  walked  one  way  and  looked  another,  and 
they   stumbled   and   were   uncertain    in    their 
going. 

7 .  And  it  was  shown  to  me  in  my  vision  that 
these  were  men  of  the  sect  of  Smalphri  among 
the  Dimmichrats  which  had  not  forgotten  any 
thing,  neither  had  learned  anything,  and  could 
not    see    that    their    sect    had    passed    away. 
And  they  went  about  asking,  Where  are  the 
Dimmichrats?      And  what  is  now  a  Dimmi- 
chrat?     And  when  they  essayed  to  go  forward 
they  went  backward ;  for  their  heads  and  their 
feet  were  at  variance. 


332  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

8.  And  I  looked  and  saw  one  of  these  men 
sitting  in  sackcloth  and  ashes ;  and  I  saw  that 
it  was  Prince  John,  who  was  the  son  of  Littul- 
van  who  had  been  chief  ruler  over  the  land  of 
Unculpsalm.     And  as  he  sat  in  the  ashes  with 
head  looking  backward  between  his  shoulders, 
he  laughed  and  spoke  like  one  whose  heart  is 
glad  with  wine.      And  he  took  some  of  the 
ashes   in   his   hand  and  said  unto   them  that 
passed  by, 

9.  Behold  this  gold  dust  from  Kalaphorni,  is 
it  not  richer  than  the  gold  of  Ophir?     And  he 
held  up  his  sackcloth  to  the  passers-by,  saying, 
See  the  sumptuousness  of  my  raiment,  and  how 
I  am  clothed  in  silken  apparel,  even  in  silken 
apparel  embroidered  with  gold. 

10.  Go  now,  therefore,  unto  Andrew,  whose 
surname  is  Jon-sing,  and  greet  him  from  me, 
saying,  Hail !  chief  ruler  of  the  land  of  Uncul 
psalm  that  is  to  be  hereafter.     Behold  I,  even 
I  Prince  John,  clad  in  sumptuous  raiment  and 
sitting  in  the  gold  dust  of  Kalaphorni  and  look 
ing  forward,  set  thee  up  to  be  chosen  chief 
ruler  a  second  time.     And  he  laughed,  and  the 
cheer  of  his  countenance  was  like  one  who  sit- 
teth  at  a  feast. 

11.  And  I  looked  again,  and  I  saw  certain 
men  who  had  filled  themselves  with  the  east 
wind   and   who   were   puffed  up  exceedingly 
therewith,   and  had  become  so  light  that  as 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  333 

they  walked  they  kept  not  upon  the  ground 
among  their  fellows,  but  as  they  stepped  they 
rose  into  the  air,  even  into  the  mist  that  brooded 
upon  the  land. 

12.  And  as  they  rose  up  from  the  earth  into 
the  air  they  shouted,  Niggah  !  niggah !  nig- 
gah  !     Niggah  !  niggah  !  niggah  ! 

13.  And  I  saw  that  the  mist  was  made  of 
the  breath  of  these  men  as  they  rose  up  into  the 
air  and  shouted. 

14.  And  as  I  looked  southward,  I  saw  cer 
tain  other  men,  who  kept  a  smouldering  fire  in 
their  bosoms  ;  and  they  neither  sought  to  put  it 
out  nor  to  fan  it  into  a  flame,  but  they  cherished 
it,  and  breathed  upon  it,  and  as  they  breathed 
they  muttered  Niggah  !  niggah  !  niggah  !   Nig 
gah  !  niggah  !  niggah  ! 

15.  And  I  saw  that  the  smoke  over  the  land 
was  that  which  came  from  the  fire  which  these 
men  cherished  in  their  bosoms. 

16.  And  I  saw  one    man    bowing   himself 
down  before  the  image  of  a  Pahdee ;  and  he 
said,  Be  thou  my  god,  and  I  will  worship  thee, 
only  make   thou   thy  servant  a   ruler  in  the 
land. 

17.  And  I  saw  another  man  bowing  himself 
down  before  the  image  of  a  Niggah  ;  and  he 
said,    Be   thou   my   god,   and  I  will  worship 
thee :  only  make  thou  thy  servant  a  ruler  in 
the  land. 


334  THE   NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE. 

18.  And  the  man  who  bowed  himself  down 
before  the  image  of  the  Pahdee  cursed  the  men 
of  Jonbool ;  and  the  man  who  bowed  himself 
down  before  the  image  of  the  Niggah  cursed 
Andrew,  the  chief  ruler,  and  reviled  the  Great 
Covenant. 

19.  But  there  were  some  which  bowed  down 
before  the  image  of  the  Niggah,  not  praying 
that  they  might  be  rulers  in  the  land,  but  be 
cause  he  was  the  everlasting  Niggah,  and  him 
they  sought  to  make  even  as  the  langkies  and 
as  the  other  men  of  Unculpsalm. 

20.  And  I  looked  again,  and  I  saw  certain 
men  seeking  oil  out  of  the  rock ;  and  I  said  to 
one  of  them,   What  meaneth  this  ?     And  he 
said,  I  will  show  thee. 

21.  And  there  passed   before    mine  eyes   a 
lake  that  smoked  and  sent  up  fumes  of  fire  and 
brimstone;  and  I   considered  and  saw  that  it 
was  the   lake  which  covered  the  cities  of  the 
plain,  even  Sodom  and  Gomorrah,  and  that  I 
was  shown  what  had  been  in  the   beginning, 
because  the  lake  yet  smoked. 

22.  And  upon  the  shore  of  the  lake  there 
walked  a  man  searching  diligently.     And  he 
who  showed  me  this  said  unto  the  man,  What 
seekest  thou  ? 

23.  And  the  man  answered  and  said,  Behold, 
the  Lord  hath  just  destroyed  the  cities  of  the 
plain  with  fire  and  brimstone  and  oil  of  the 


THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE.     335 

rock,  and  I  was  one  of  the  nine  just  men  in 
Sodom  to  whom  there  was  not  found  a  tenth. 
And  I  only  have  escaped,  and  my  house  and 
my  wife  and  my  children  are  consumed. 

24.  And  now  I  seek  here  for  oil  of  the  rock 
that  is  left  of  the  burning,  (for  peradventure 
the  Lord  may  have  had  a  little  over,)   that  it 
may  not  be  lost,  but  that   I  may  take  it  and 
trade  with  it. 

25 .  And  the  man  who  showed  me  this  said, 
Behold  he  is  the  father  of  all  them  that  trade 
in  Gotham,  and  chiefly  of  them  that  have  their 
merchandise  in  the  oil  of  the  rock.     And  the 
lake  vanished  away. 

26.  And  as  I  looked,  one  of  the  multitude 
which  sought  oil  out  of  the  rock,  fell  upon  his 
knees  and  prayed  that  he  might  strikile ;  for 
in  the  langkie  tongue  this  meaneth  to  find  oil 
of  the  rock. 

27.  And  there  came  to  him  a  man  in  priest's 
garments  and  rebuked  him,  saying,  Ye  ought 
not  to  pray  for  oil,  for  to  do  thus  is  a  wicked 
ness    and     an     abomination.      But    the    man 
answered,  and  said,  Go  to,  do  ye  not  pray  for 
rain?     And  if  ye  may  pray  for  rain,  which  is 
but  water,  why  may  I  not  pray  for  oil  ? 

28.  And    the     man    in    priest's    garments 
answered  him  nothing,  but  cried  out  upon  him 
Anathema  1 

29.  And  in  all  this  time,  I  heard  voices  com- 


33^  THE    NEW    GOSPEL   OF    PEACE. 

ing  out  of  the  clouds  over  the  land,  crying, 
Niggah  !  niggah  !  niggah  !  Niggah  !  niggah  ! 
niggah ! 

30.  And  I  looked  again,  and  I  saw  a  man 
walking  slantindicularly,  and  holding  his  right 
hand  behind  him  with  the  palm  thereof  upward. 
And  I  saw  not  the  face  of  the  man,  but  I  said 
within   myself,   His  walk   is  as  the   walk  of 
Phernandiwud. 

31.  And  I  heard  the  voice  of  the  man  whose 
walk  was  slantindicular ;  and  it  was  a  smooth 
voice ;  and  it  said,  Give  me  money  out  of  the 
treasury  of  the  people,  and  I  will  share  it  with 
thee. 

32.  And  I  saw  men  dropping  money  into 
the   right  hand  of  the  man  whose  walk  was 
slantindicular.     And  they  were  of  the  people 
called  Ophisoldurs,  and  of  the  noble  army  of 
counter  actors. 

33.  And  I  saw  Robert  of  Jahrji,  who  dwelt 
among  the  tombs,  who  was  one  of  the  lawgivers 
of  Unculpsalm  before  the  war,  and  to  whom 
Phernandiwud  had  compromised  himself,  and 
crawled  on  his  belly  when  he  demanded  the 
arms   which  were  kept   by  Ken-Edee,   chief 
captain   of   the   watchmen  of    Gotham,    from 
going  to  the  Phiretahs  of  Jahrji. 

34.  And    Robert,   who     dwelt    among    the 
tombs,   approached  the  man  whose  walk  was 
slantindicular,  saying,  Hail !    my  brother  ac- 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  337 

cording  to  the  order  of  the  Dimmichrats  !  And 
the  man  whose  walk  was  slantindicular  passed 
by  Robert  without  greeting,  answering  only, 
Vanity,  vanity,  all  is  vanity  !  Give  me  money 
out  of  the  treasury  of  the  people,  and  I  will 
share  it  with  thee. 

35.  And  Robert  turned  away  and   met  one 
of  the  people  called  Gnuzebois,  which  dwell  in 
Gotham,  and  which   are  small   of  stature  but 
loud  of  voice,  and  which  fear  no  man,  neither 
have  respect  unto  any  man.     And  the  Gnuze 
bois  are  Pahdees,  and  the  sons  of  Pahdees. 

36.  And  Robert  said  unto  the  Gnuzeboi,  I  trow 
not  that  ye  of  the  North  have  gained  much  by 
your  victory,   seeing  that  ye  treat  us  neither 
like  conquerors  nor  like  friends,   and  that  the 
Niggah  continueth  to  be  the  everlasting  Nig- 
gah.     When  we  who  were  Phiretahs  are  receiv 
ed  again  among  the  lawgivers  of  Unculpsalm, 
ye  shall  repent  yourselves  of  all  that  ye  have 
done  these  five  years. 

37.  And  the  Gnuzeboi  answering  him,  said, 
in  an  unknown  tongue,  Ewbud  am^  which  is, 
being  interpreted,  Behold,  thou  art  a  man  of 
small  account  in  my  judgment ;  for  this  is  the 
speech  and  the  manner  of  the  Gnuzebois. 

38.  And   still   the   voices    came  out   of  the 
clouds  above  the  land  crying,  Niggah !  nig- 
gah  !  niggah  !  Niggah  I  niggah  !  niggah  ! 

39.  And  I  looked  again,  and  I  saw  many 

29 


33$  THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE. 

beasts  upon  the  land,  even  great  multitudes, 
and  chiefly  round  about  the  cities  thereof. 
And  I  saw  the  beasts  afar  off  dimly,  but  I  saw 
that  the  beasts  were  evil  beasts  and  marvellous, 
and  like  unto  no  other  beast  that  hath  been, 
neither  shall  be.  And  in  my  trance  I  strove 
to  get  nearer  to  the  beasts,  but  I  could  not; 
for  my  striving  was  all  within  myself,  and  my 
feet  took  no  hold  upon  the  ground. 

40.  Then  there  appeared  a  man  before  me 
with  a  divining  rod  in  his  hand.     And  I  said 
unto  him,  What  are   these  beasts  ?     And  he 
said,  I  will  show  thee. 

41.  And  he    stretched    out  his  rod  toward 
Gotham.     And  I   saw  one  of  the  beasts  that 
were  around  Gotham  rise  up  into  the  air,  and 
he  came  toward  the  man  with  the  divining  rod, 
and  he  passed  before  mine  eyes.     Flying  he 
passed ;  yet  not  with  wings  ;  but  sailing  slowly 
like  unto  the  flight  of  an  eagle.     For  he  was 
sustained  by  the  power  of  the  rod. 

42.  And  I  beheld  and  saw  that  his  body  was 
as  the  body  of  a  serpent  behind,  and  before  as 
the  body  of  a  dragon,  and  the  stench  of  his 
abominations  filled  the  air  round  about, 

43.  And  the  beast  had  three  heads  ;  and  the 
head  upon  one  side  was  as  the  head  of  a  cater 
pillar,    and  it  devoured    as  it  went;  and  the 
head  upon  the  other  side  was   as  the  head  of 
the  unclean  beast,  even  the  head  of  a  swine 
that  walloweth  in  the  mire. 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE.  339 

44.  And  the  head  between  these  heads  was 
as  the  head  of  a  man  ;    and  it  was  lifted  up  on 
high.     And  the  mouth  thereof  spake  wonderful 
things,   and  uttered   boastings,  and    lies,   and 
prophesied    smooth    things.     And    while    the 
head  thus   spake,  they  who  listened  saw  not 
the  head  of  the  caterpillar  that  devoured  as  it 
went,  or  the  head  of  the  swine  that  walloweth 
in  the  mire. 

45 .  Now  the  face  of  the  head  that  was  be 
tween  the  two  heads  and  was  raised  on  high  was 
turned  from  me.     And  the  man  with  the  divin 
ing  rod  said  unto  me,  Wilt  thou  see  the  face  of 
the   beast  ?    for   his  number  is  written  in  his 
forehead;    and  this    is  the  beast,  he  and  his 
kind   that   thou  seest  in   herds  over  the  land, 
which  afflicteth   the    land   of  Unculpsalm  in 
this    generation  and  shall  afflict  it  hereafter. 
And  I  answered  him,  Yea. 

46.  Then  the  beast,  as  he  was  passing  from 
my  sight  into  the  mist  slowly  and  as  if  with 
the  flight  of  an  eagle  that  moveth  not  its  wings, 
turned  his  face  upon  me :  and  I  looked  upon 
his  forehead,  and  the  number  of  the  beast  was 
four  and  eleven  and  forty-four ;  and  the  face 
of  the  beast  was  as  mine  own,  even  as  mine 
own  natural  face  when  I  behold  it  in  a  glass. 

47.  And  when  I  saw  mine  own  face  upon 
the  head  of  the  beast,  and  when  mine  own  eyes 
looked  into  mine  eyes,  the  sweat  of  my  fore- 


34-O     THE  NEW  GOSPEL  OF  PEACE. 

head  was  cold  and  my  flesh  crept  upon  my 
bones.  And  I  essayed  to  speak,  but  I  could 
not ;  for  my  tongue  lay  in  my  mouth  as  the 
tongue  of  one  who  is  dead. 

48.  And  as  I  strove,  I  heard  the  voices  in 
the   mist,    crying,  Niggah  !  niggah  !  niggah  ! 
and  those  in  the  smoke  answering  unto  them, 
Niggah  !  niggah  !  niggah  ! 

49.  Then    the  vision    passed  away,   and  I 
came  out  of  my  trance.    And  when  I  considered 
the  matter,  I  rejoiced  in  my  heart,  although 
the  new   gospel  of  peace   had  not  prevailed. 
For  I  saw  that  the  last  state  of  that  land  was 
like  unto  the  first. 


END    OF   THE   FOURTH   BOOK, 


THE   NEW   GOSPEL    OF   PEACE.  34! 


NOTE  C. 

In  all  Oriental  literature  and  in  that  of  ancient  Greece 
and  Rome  there  is  no  other  record  of  such  a  deliberate, 
shameless,  and  instant  change  toward  a  man,  upon  his  be 
ing  suddenly  raised  from  a  comparatively  unimportant 
position  to  one  of  great  power,  as  this  of  the  Kopur-hedds 
and  their  bought  slave  the  scribe  named  Assohkald  Eddi- 
tah.  But  as  in  our  own  recent  annals  we  found  a  counter 
part  to  the  self-sale  of  this  individual,  in  the  history  of  the 
New  York  World,  newspaper  (see  p.  155),  so  do  we  now  find 
in  the  columns  of  that  newspaper  an  example  of  time-serv 
ing  quite  equal  in  shamelessness  to  this  recorded  by  the  an 
cient  Oriental  historian,  and  singularly  like  it  in  purpose. 
The  following  passages,  with  others  of  like  character,  ap 
peared  in  the  World  :  the  first  when  Andrew  Johnson  was 
a  candidate  for  the  office  of  Vice-President,  the  second 
when  he  had  taken  his  seat  after  his  election  to  that 
dignified  but  not  influential  office,  which  he  was  not  ex 
pected  to  leave  for  four  years. 

[From  the  World,  June  igt/t,  1864.] 

"  It  is  a  great  incongruity  to  erect  such  a  gorgeous  and  im 
posing  pile  as  the  national  capitol,  and  then  select  a  boor 
for  the  highest  dignitary  that  enters  it.  So  costly  a  shrine 
does  not  beseem  so  cheap  an  idol."  .  .  . 

"  Mr.  Johnson  seems  rather  too  much  nettled  for  a  great 
man,  at  his  want  of  social  consideration  at  Nashville,  and 
with  exquisite  delicacy  of  taste,  he  flaunts  his  nomination  in 
the  faces  of  the  'aristocrats,'  as  an  offset  to  their  con 
tempt."  .  .  . 

.  .  .  "  Was  there  ever  so  contemptibly  disgusting  an 
exhibition,  by  a  man  with  dignity  of  character  enough  to 
be  a  town  constable  ?  If  we  proceed  from  the  elevation  of 
Mr.  Johnson's  sentiments  to  the  clearness  and  sagacity  of 
his  mind,  we  shall  find  that  one  part  of  his  character  can 
not  put  the  other  to  the  blush. 

"  To  bestow  space  upon  him  at  all  is  a  mark  of  respect 
which  we  pay,  not  to  his  person,  but  to  his  new  position." 


342  THE   NEW   GOSPEL   OF   PEACE. 

\JFrom  the  World,  March  gth,  1865.] 

"...  If  Andrew  Johnson  had  not  been  drunk  on 
inauguration  daj,  the  speech  which  he  would  have  made 
would  have  been  less  incoherent,  but  in  all  other  respects 
it  would  have  been  the  same.  The  shallow  demagoguery, 
the  affected  '  plebeian '  pride,  the  real  self-contempt  and  se 
cret  envy  of  more  fortunate  men,  these  have  been  betrayed, 
these  have  been  the  stock  and  staple  of  every  speech  of 
Andrew  Johnson  for  years.  We  say  nothing  of  his  political 
tergiversation.  It  is  ridiculous  to  suppose  that  he  ever  had 
any  political  principles.  He  was  nominated  because  he  had 
none,  but  could  bellow  his  bastard  « loyalty '  loudly.  We 
refer  now  to  that  which  was  most  degarding  in  his  vinous 
speech  —  its  betrayal  of  his  inmost  character.  It  is  neces 
sary  to  affirm  either  that  he  has  been  drunk  every  time  he 
has  made  a  speech  since  Mr.  Lincoln  rewarded  his  political 
dishonesty  by  making  him  military  governor  of  Tennessee, 
or  else  that  he  is  —  drunk  or  sober,  boy,  man,  tailor,  sena 
tor,  governor,  or  Vice-President  —  the  low  boor,  which,  with 
infinite  pain,  in  the  last  Presidential  contest,  we  felt  it  our 
duty  to  declare  him  to  be.  His  speeches  are  all  alike.  This 
last  one  in  the  Senate  chamber  was  no  exception,  save  in 
its  incoherence.  Read  his  speech  on  hearing  news  of  his 
own  nomination  at  Baltimore.  Let  our  readers  look  to 
their  files.  It  was  published  at  the  time.  It  reeks  with  the 
very  same  vulgarity,  the  same  demagoguery,  the  same  low 
lived  manners  and  morals.  .  .  . 

"The  drunken  and  beastly  Caligula,  the  most  profligate 
of  all  Roman  emperors,  raised  his  horse  to  the  dignity  of 
consul  —  an  office  that,  in  former  times,  had  been  filled  by 
the  greatest  warriors  and  statesmen  of  the  republic,  the 
Scipios,  the  Catos,  by  Cicero,  and  by  the  mighty  Julius 
himself.  The  consulship  was  scarcely  more  disgraced  by 
that  scandalous  transaction  than  is  our  Vice-Presidency  by 
the  late  election.  This  office  has  been  adorned  in  better 
days  by  the  talents  and  accomplishments  of  Adams  and 
Jefferson,  Clinton  and  Gerry,  Calhoun  and  Van  Buren ;  and 
now  to  see  it  filled  by  this  insolent,  drunken  brute,  in  com- 


THE    NEW    GOSPEL    OF    PEACE.  343 

parison  with  whom  even  Caligula's  horse  was  respectable ! 
—  for  the  poor  animal  did  not  abuse  his  own  nature.  And 
to  think  that  only  one  frail  human  life  stands  between  this 
insolent,  clownish  drunkard,  and  the  Presidency!  May 
God  bless  and  spare  Abraham  Lincoln!  Should  this 
Andrew  Johnson  become  his  successor,  the  decline  and 
fall  of  the  American  republic  would  smell  as  rank  in  his 
tory  as  that  of  the  Roman  empire  under  such  atrocious 
monsters  in  human  shape  as  Nero  and  Caligula." 


THE   END. 


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LIBRARY,  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  DAVIS 

Book  Slip-10m-l,'63(D5068s4)458 


266U-8 


White,  R.G. 

Mew  gospel  of  peace. 


Call  Number: 


EU58 
W58 


